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I feel like I am betraying him by posting this, but I have to let this out somewhere and I really don't want to talk to him about this.

My H cannot say 'no' to his work. When something comes up, he does his utmost for work. He rarely turns down work for family stuff.

I have a surgery scheduled for this coming Monday at 4pm. Note the time of the surgery. I'm going to have general anesthesia, which terrifies me. This surgery was a long time coming. It is not a surprise. H had insisted on taking care of me.

Well, today, i.e., Friday, H's work told him that he has an urgent meeting on Monday. I have to give him brownie points - he did tell them he could not because he has to take his wife to surgery. (um. DUH!!!) Work asked if the surgery could be rescheduled. (!!!) He said no.

SOOO... they asked if he could go to dinner on Monday night related to the meeting. And what does he say? Of course he is going to go. He feels awful, he feels guilty. He called me immediately to tell me. He went on and on about how awful this all is. He apologized for ranting. He's just "venting".

So what was I supposed to say? Oh, it's all right. Don't worry about it.

Which is what I said. I had already lined up a caregiver because I did not know what time I would be finished. I have confirmed with the caregiver that she can stay with me when H goes to his fucking dinner.

He has done this before. At the birth of my older son, i.e., FIRST BABY - high risk pregnancy, high risk birth, ambulances and surgeons on standby... by day 3, he was working on a presentation due a couple of days after that.

I would think a new father might be able to tell his manager that he might want to take a fucking week off after his FIRST BABY was born.

But no...

It's okay. I will be fine. If I don't die from the general anesthesia, I will be fine. I can take care of the kids and of myself. He can go to his work dinner.

My H cannot say 'no' to his work.

My first thought was "Huh. I got one of those." but then you went into detail. Good Lord US, that is just wrong!

So what was I supposed to say? Oh, it's all right. Don't worry about it.

Which is what I said.

But here's the thing. It's not ok. That's a lie. You need to tell him how you really feel, whether he changes his plans or not. Don't stuff your feelings and beliefs.

I hope all goes well with your surgery. Will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

I'm married to that guy, too.

I think you HAVE to talk to him or you'll just continue to build resentment.

I think you HAVE to talk to him or you'll just continue to build resentment.

I completely agree. I get it, Song. Trust me, I do. INAB used to be that way for our church - could not and would not say no. It wasn't until I communicated to him how it affected me and gave examples that he actually opened his eyes and realized its a problem. Talk to him, hon. Don't let it fester. That's dangerous. I hope all goes well with the surgery.

I understand completely. It is such a big thing to decide to rely on him to be there----and then he chooses to be at work instead.

I totally get it.

It is such a big thing to decide to rely on him to be there

Exactly! This! I had it all planned out. I was going to drive myself. I was going to figure out return transportation. I was going to set everything up! So that he would not have to alter his work schedule.

He insisted on taking the afternoon off to drive me to the hospital and stay there until I was ready to go home. He was adamant! So I relented.

I should have known better.

I can't talk to him about this. He is already angry at himself for not being able to say 'no'. I mean, he is so introverted he cannot even ask someone to move so he can get something. I cannot ask him to be what he is not.

I cannot ask him to be what he is not.

You can ask him to be there for you. It's up to him to figure out how to do that. If he honestly can not say "no" to someone how can you possibly ever feel safe with him, US?

If you need to have a back up plan at all times and schedule you're emergencies aren't you basically alone?

I'm so sorry. (((US)))

I can't edit on this but he's saying no to you, so obviously he's capable of doing it. Kind of makes his "I'm so sorry I can't say no to work" bullshit, to me.

Just want to say that it sounds very, very frustrating, and I can see why you're having a hard time. This is a time where you'd really like his support and his presence, both physically and emotionally, and he said he'd be there, and now he isn't. It's upsetting.

I know you've said that you can't talk with him about it because he feels angry enough right now. Is there a way that, in a quieter moment, you can bring up your feelings? Did you two talk about it when it happened after the birth of your baby? What did he say then?

I don't have any great advice, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

I can't even tell you how much crap I just do on my own, because I know there is no way he's going to help. From flying around the world (literally) with two kids on my own, driving MYSELF home after outpatient surgery, driving myself to the ER, and even having my wisdom teeth pulled using only Novocaine so I could drive myself home afterwards.

It's incredibly frustrating and can really lead to long term resentment.

(((hugs))) and good luck with the surgery.

SH - We have talked about the baby thing. He blames it on his manager, that the manager should know better than to ask an employee to create a presentation for 5 days after baby's birth. And, in retrospect, the presentation wasn't even all that important <- H's words. But it doesn't translate into... "in a week, THIS Monday's dinner will seem unimportant". For him, it is something work wants him to do urgently, therefore it eclipses everything else.

UO - You are right. I do feel alone most of the time.

It doesn't matter. This is his choice. I think I will go ahead and schedule transportation for myself so that he won't feel guilty for missing Monday's meetings.

My godmother always tells me that problems that can be solved with money aren't real problems. This can be solved with money. It's not a problem.

The Xs IC asked him if he understood that his work was also one of his mistresses. I felt the same way about work as I later felt about the OWs but I too felt like I couldn't say anything.

I thought by tolerating it I was showing how supportive I was. I did complain about it but did so in that "nothing can be done about it" way. To him that was my explicit permission for it to continue. Not only was I hurting about his choices I took the red hot poker and struck myself with it too. Its a mind fuck.

When we talked about it during False R he said he knew it bothered me a little but he did not understand that I felt abandoned and at the bottom of his list of priorities. I felt that expressing my basic needs was adding to his already too full plate of "To Do's" so I cast my needs aside.

TBH I threw myself into work to avoid dealing with him too. Not as retribution but in an attempt to balance out (deny) my feelings of abandonment. That strategy didn't turn out so well for me.

I find it very difficult to need someone's help let alone ask for it. If I have to ask for it I feel awful even when they comply. FOO issues I have yet to explore. I want them to want to do it. I don't want to have to ask. I want them to show me love the way I show them. This part is my problem.

Even if they weren't scared of GA I would want to be there to support them. For me, not for them. The bonus is that some people feel the same way about receiving it. Others just don't have that need so don't recognise it in me. There are even others who recognise it in themselves and enjoy receiving it but don't give it.

Truth is showing someone isn't enough - they misread the signs or don't see them at all. Sometimes you do need to tell them too.

This feels like a no-brainer to me. GA is not insignificant. Your needs are not either. If you feel you have made your needs clear and he is still choosing work then you now have a choice to make.

Make changes or adapt and leave things as they are (accepting that this is how it is and will always be).

I don't yet have the skills to deal with this stuff myself. I either feel shit because they don't do it or I feel shit for having to ask. Talk about self-defeating.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 8:00 PM, September 13th (Friday)]

I'll be fine. Even if I'm getting propofol, I'm not Michael Jackson. I will have an anesthesiologist monitoring me, unlike MJ. There will be nurses watching me, unlike MJ. Thousands (millions) of people get GA and they're fine.

H is really a good husband and a good father. I shouldn't complain. Anger is a secondary emotion. It's covering up fear, in this case. I need to recognize the underlying emotion and everything will fall into place.

Well, now I know where the pissy mood you wrote about earlier is coming from.

I would pray for you, but I don't think anyone listens to me, so instead I will just think good thoughts for your surgery and speedy recovery.

I hear ya. My H used to do this -- before his A too. Colleagues would call at all hours for assistance. Romantic dinner? Pick up the phone to help coworker. Vomiting kid? Pick up the phone to help coworker. Wife weeping about death of friend's husband? Pick up the phone...

You have tell him. You'd think it would be obvious but some people are oblivious. He finally stopped when I told him how I felt...and then told him he either told his coworkers not to call him at home, or *I* would tell them.

...he's saying no to you, so obviously he's capable of doing it. Kind of makes his "I'm so sorry I can't say no to work" bullshit, to me.

^This.

Sounds like the consequences of him disappointing "work" are greater than the consequences of letting you down. Especially when you kindly say it's OK (but not really, right?). Sure you can't talk to him about it? Is there no way for him to get out of the dinner?

I hope your surgery goes well and you recover quickly. And that your husband brings you back a really delicious meal from the restaurant that you can enjoy later. Or dessert. Dessert's good, and freezes well.

Not quite to this degree, but I have been this husband and it's not OK.

One of the things that I have been working on post A is boundaries with everyone. Friends, family, work, even the needy cats.

The well-being of one's spouse takes precedence over everything else these days. Work is learning this whether they like it or not.

I cannot ask him to be what he is not.

But he IS your husband. I thought there was something in the vows about forsaking all others. Work falls pretty low on the food chain here.

Priorities.

I mean, he is so introverted he cannot even ask someone to move so he can get something. I cannot ask him to be what he is not.

I thought I was introverted, but I think it had more to do with being Conflict Avoidance for me. Shit comes up at work for everyone, but every time he is needed...

You can ask him to be something he is not, but if it doesn't come from within himself it will never change and you will have to decide if that is ok. And it doesn't have to be..

@US

I totally relate as I have "one of those too". It's extremely lonely and rejecting a lot of the time.

Problem is, these types of H's rarely see "what the big deal is" (at least that's the case with my H). It seems at least your H feels guilty about it (even though he's doing it anyway). My H usually tells me I'm being difficult and I shouldn't complain as "it's work".

I feel like I've been conditioned to never express feelings about his work as when I do, it's dismissed as me being "ungrateful" as I have a great lifestyle and don't massively contribute financially to that lifestyle.

What he can't believe is, I'd gladly give up the lifestyle to have him by my side after an operation.

So much of what you're saying makes sense to me. I can absolutely understand what you're feeling. For some reason, I have a feeling last minute, he will say no to the Monday night dinner, not that it matters as you have it covered, but it's the kind of thing my H would do.

My A was an extreme anger reaction to the suppression of not talking about him working all the time. When I did talk about it, it always came out aggressively. I am now learning to be assertive in my communication with him.

As you said:

I cannot ask him to be what he is not.

AND

H is really a good husband and a good father. I shouldn't complain