SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

if it was your WW who was out and about by herself one day,and came upon a gorgeous,young hot sexy man..and she not only noticed him..but started thinking about how he might look naked..and started imagining herself fucking him..and got all..um..excited...would this be ok with you?

She did do that. Thanks for reminding me.

Listen, some men do obsess, some don't. The majority of the men I know don't. The bad apples definitly spoil the bunch and I think lumping us all into a "drooling dog pack" is a little over the top.

Im wondering..all the men who are saying this is normal...most of you are BH's..if not all of you. Im curious..if it was your WW who was out and about by herself one day,and came upon a gorgeous,young hot sexy man..and she not only noticed him..but started thinking about how he might look naked..and started imagining herself fucking him..and got all..um..excited...would this be ok with you?

The om in my wife's case was a fucking joke, skin and bones pimpley ass fuck, looks and fantasy about fucking had nothing to do with it. It was all an emotional assault.

We always have talked about other people's looks and before anything had happened between them we actual made fun of his appearance for a good half hour (shallow asshole I know). So no it doesn't bother me as long as she keeps her line in the sand.

Im curious..if it was your WW who was out and about by herself one day,and came upon a gorgeous,young hot sexy man..and she not only noticed him..but started thinking about how he might look naked..and started imagining herself fucking him..and got all..um..excited...would this be ok with you?

I ask because most of the women responding on here are BW's..who have been cheated on..some of us know how "just looking" can lead to an affair.

At what point does "just looking" transcend to equate with some kind of ambiguous slippery slope that leads to mental rape and depraved sexual disrespect?

Because I look at a woman and think "Hey I bet she looks good naked" that gets wrapped up with extended fantasies and plotting out and participating in an affair?

You say you ask that because you have WH's who were "just looking" and entered an affair as if boundaries and intent were not the primary issue, but the fact that I am just looking at a woman when I have been faithful for 20 years at the age of 36. As well as be told I am mentally raping someone for viewing them as a living person with sexual appeal, not because I go home and construct elaborate fantasies but because a fleeting thought passes through.

Drooling, leering and jacking off like a deranged monkey is not normal, and does not equate.

I didn't say YOUR "just looking" equated to anything. I said some of our WH's affairs started out as a glace..a look..at attraction..so when our WH's tell us they look at other women and think about how she would look while riding him..yeah..I don't like it. It scares me. Because he has shown me he can do *that*..you know?

I asked because *some" of the BH's who have responded..not ALL...have said leering at a woman and thinking about fucking her is normal and "all men" do it. I was wondering if THOSE same men would be ok if their WW's did it...the looking and fantasizing. Clearly,if you are not a man who thinks looking at women and immediately thinking about how she would look under you,then the question wasn't for you..it was for those men who think this is normal behavior for men..does that mean it's ok for their WW's...and if not...then why should it be ok for our WH's?

RyeBread...I apologize if I struck a nerve.

Why is everybody yelling?

have said leering at a woman and thinking about fucking her is normal and "all men" do it

Where was that stated?

I think the "thinking about fucking her" is kind of a rather large leap. If you look at someone attractive it's not usually in the, that outfit is nicely put together kind of way. Registering attraction is linked to our sexuality. Otherwise our species would have been a blip.

That doesn't mean it becomes a Jenna Jameson movie on loop.

Confused, your husbands affair did not start with a glance. Trust me. If that's what he's telling you, he's full of shit.

As always well said SG.

There is a definite difference between stealing a look at a beautiful individual and undressing an eyefucking the shit out of someone.

At the risk of sounding like a complete and utter prick (which is not my intent I am only hypothesizing) but I wonder if some of the reasons why it is such a big issue is some personal insecurities about their own appearance, due to the fact that society as a whole has driven it so far down our necks of what beautiful really is that 90 % percent of the modern world has issues with their own appearance, my self included and I am pretty good looking guy or so I have been told. Also on that note both my wife and myself notice women checking me out all the time, and it makes her giggle, cause I am with her.

Again not meant to offend anyone, and I apologize if I have

I wasn't quoting anyone..and Im not calling anyone out..but a few on here have stated these thoughts are normal.

UO..Im am well aware of EXACTLY how my husbands bullshit(there was no affair) started. It was intentional and deliberate. That is not what he is telling me. he didn't have to tell me..I read all about it on dday in his secret email account. I wasn't speaking for myself..I meant the general "some of us"..because..again..I am not trying to be specific about any one BH,WH,BW,WW on here. It is true that some of our WH have said it started with a look...so for some men.."just looking and fantasizing" doesn't stop there..clearly. And when it is a WH who is the one looking and fantasizing..it worries some of us.

I stated in my first post on this thread that MY WH has said..several months ago..this was normal and "all men do it." maybe for some men it's a large leap..but for other's..it's not.

Some BW's have expressed That this bothers them...I was curious if the BH's who said this is normal would be ok if their WW had the same thoughts about other men. I didn't mean to piss anyone off.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:01 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Generalizations tend to tick people off, so I will avoid that slippery slope. Besides, how the heck would I know what's going on in someone else's thought process?

I have been married for over 28 years and have never cheated on my wife. No sex with someone else, no kissing, no secret dates or phone calls or texts, etc. That being said, I have struggled with thinking about doing just that from time to time.

This might not be a problem for some but as one who identifies himself as a Christian, it bothers me that I even have those thoughts.

I've endured a loveless, sexless marriage for many of those years, along with a lying, cheating WW, which has certainly not helped. But at the end of the day, what I think about is totally on me.

There's a difference between a glance and staring or leering, which I imagine must make women quite uncomfortable. At least I try to be discreet about it.

There's an old saying that fits for me. "You're not responsible for the birds that fly over your head, but you are if you let them nest in your hair." Or something like that.

Some BW's have expressed That this bothers them...I was curious if the BH's who said this is normal would be ok if their WW had the same thoughts about other men. I didn't mean to piss anyone off.

I know you didn't, confused. I have a question, though. Some that have posted that they are bothered by their WS's doing this have also posted on threads about being flattered by being hit on. Just how do those two things go together?

If men eye fuck wouldn't being hit on be really offensive as that's a pretty agressive form, I'd think. Kind of like "just wink, I'll do the rest"?

That's a serious question, by the way. Not a smart ass one. How can the concern and flattered by it co-exist?

[This message edited by uncertainone at 2:16 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Beats me.

It skeeves me out when a man checks me out. Usually it's in the grocery store..and we are both wearing wedding rings.

If he is far enough away that I can't see his ring..and he can't see mine.. Im so jaded that I automatically assume he is married. And..it skeeves me out.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:21 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

My husband said something to the effect once during a heated argument that if men did what they wanted to all the time then most men would be in jail and then he preceded to tell me who he wanted to do it with. So I guess according my husband yes.

But, I have to be honest. I don't simply look at a particular man who is sexy and consider having sex with him. But, I have had fantasies about a particular type of male (no one specific). So it is basically the same I guess.

It skeeves me out when a man checks me out. Usually it's in the grocery store..and we are both wearing wedding rings.

This is going to happen no matter what, people check people out. The only way to combat this is to become an agoraphob and never go out. A wedding ring doesn't change how attractive you are to another person it only signals to them DON'T FUCKING TOUCH. People will look at others just as they always have, human nature.

This subject can rile my ass up a bit. I was married to the most controlling woman in the universe. If I barely glanced at a woman in a store or there was one on TV or in a car next to me she immediately thought I was interested and flew into a fit of rage. I spent 15 years looking at the floor because I was...well and idiot. Thankfully she decided to fuck someone else so my life is now normal. Yes, and normal for me is to be able to look at women because quite frankly I like the way women look...it doesn't mean I'm going to rape them with my eyes or try to bed them. I will never be in another relationship where the trust is so bad that this is even an issue. Don't appreciate that there are other attractive women in the world? Lord, this isn't that complicated.

Am I the only one reading this thread and thinking, "hmm, remember when Jimmy Carter admitted to lusting in his heart" ... or likely I'm the only one old enough to remember that.

(I hope this doesn't violate guidelines to mention a political figure, if it does, mods please delete!)

Nobody's affair started with just a glance, unless you want to see that as an event prior to the affair and make some logical fallacy about correlation = causation, in which case why not take it all the way back to getting out of bed that morning as the cause. At least that gives us all an excuse to stay in bed, cuz you know, we are avoiding an affair.

Funny thing about looking, I can say I have been in enough establishments where the entertainment consisted of not just seeing attractive women, but seeing them without their clothes on. Funny thing about attractive women, I find them attractive, I enjoy looking at them, but even when I look at them without their clothes on that does not automagically translate into me thinking about fucking them. I actually enjoy beautiful sights, whether they are people, landscapes, sunsets, or things people have built. I have often looked at beautiful cars without trying to steal them. Same thing in my mind.

Lord, this isn't that complicated.

but things change after an affair... there was disrespect with the affair and now there should be no movement in that direction. at. all.

There's a guy I work with occasionally at my 2nd job. When we finish a job he shakes hands with the other guys and wants to hug me. He gets met with my hand. Before my affair, I would have accepted a hug. Just can't happen... I know this is different than looking but the boundaries and respect thing is the same.

I get it. There's an immense number of attractive women out there.

I can't spend my life wanting to fuck every sexy woman, though, so I focus all sexual thoughts and feelings (that I become aware of) on my W, as in 'That woman is ...<switch>... gorgeous, and I really want to be with W right now.'

After I got M, I pretty quickly became able to appreciate beauty and sexiness in women without hurting my relationship with my W. (She knows I appreciate other woman. She also has always been confident that she turns me on more than anyone else, which is still true.)

If were single, I expect I'd be looking for new sexual relationships. Happily, I'm not single. I get great pleasure seeing good looking woman almost every place I go, but I have no desire to do anything sexual with anyone but my W.

I will say that sometime I see a woman and think, 'Wow! I hope she's having sex with someone!'

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:19 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

I didn't say YOUR "just looking" equated to anything. I said some of our WH's affairs started out as a glace..a look..at attraction..so when our WH's tell us they look at other women and think about how she would look while riding him..yeah..I don't like it. It scares me. Because he has shown me he can do *that*..you know?

I asked because *some" of the BH's who have responded..not ALL...have said leering at a woman and thinking about fucking her is normal and "all men" do it. I was wondering if THOSE same men would be ok if their WW's did it...the looking and fantasizing. Clearly,if you are not a man who thinks looking at women and immediately thinking about how she would look under you,then the question wasn't for you..it was for those men who think this is normal behavior for men..does that mean it's ok for their WW's...and if not...then why should it be ok for our WH's?

I didn't see it in the context you state it except as decried as fucked up when a BH said anything about openly leering. If I missed that then I apologize, but as I read it you appeared to be talking about noticing a woman who looked sexy, that somehow progressing to fucking her.

I took offense because it's like me saying "if it was your WH who was out and about himself one day and came upon an interesting, bookish, puzzling young woman and he not only exchanged hellos with her but started thinking about how they might have a conversation... and then started imagining himself chatting with her online and texting her... and got all sucked into the conversation.. would this be okay with you?

I say that because most of the men responding here are BH's... who have been cheated on... some of us know how 'just chatting' can lead to an affair"

Yes, I know I am susceptible to infidelity under the right circumstances, and that's why I avoid them. Suggesting that just because I notice a woman that I'm completely oblivious to the fact that is step one to eventually fucking her over a guard rail on the Verrazano is like suggesting the BWs of this site might be oblivious to the fact that idly chatting with a guy can lead to the same circumstance, except somehow it goes from Point A to Point Befuckery for men without traversing the intervening space because my dick is an inherent character flaw.

Rachelc, YES!!!

but things change after an affair

Most of us here have had to understand the hard way, that thoughts can lead to something far worse. We aren't talking about noticing there is a beautiful woman standing over there. The right way to see it would be to notice a beautiful woman, just as you'd notice any beautiful person, child, teen, or adult. It's when it becomes sexual in nature, visualizing them naked, etc, that it crosses lines.

I know not all people will agree with me, and I get that. I'm chosing to only want a man in my life who respects and views women as humans, not as sexual objects. And at the same time, I'm raising my son to hopefully grasp the importance of this.

I will say that sometime I see a woman and think, 'Wow! I hope she's having sex with someone!'

LOL! I remember my brother telling me something similar about seeing a hot girl. My brother has a big mouth.