I'm a little confused by your situation. Did you know that your wife was having an affair when you cheated? I assume you had a hunch.
I think you're displaying a lot of guilt for something that pales in comparison to what your wife did before and after her pregnancy.
No. The thought popped into my head as a suspicion a few times, but it was readily and easily dismissed, due to other circumstances. My stress related E.D in response to about 30% of the jobs in my field drying up, literally overnight, stress related to a kid, then pandemic, etc, etc. Part of the reason I feel guilty is because I already had access to everything. I already had my wife's passwords to all her accounts. If I had even done a cursory glance at my wife's shit, I would have known.
Another reason I feel guilty is for not letting either of us revert to a half Ramen diet just so that we could afford to do a proper separation. I feel guilty for caving in to HB, and I worry that my brief endorsement of it might lead her on. I feel guilty for cheating on her. The guilt from that is so much worse now; When she didn't know if she should tell me, she made a throw away account on reddit, trying to determine whether to tell me, or bury it forever and completely rededicate herself to our marriage. I have access to that account, and was astonished by the horrible things people were saying. Ranging from telling her to just divorce me, leave our kid with me, and vanish; to telling her to go die, and even propositioning her in DM's.
My wife is the type of person who fight with a street corner preacher just because. She has put verbal and physical smackdown on people in public before. When we were dating, she broke a biker's arm for grabbing her ass. She didn't even fight on reddit. I can't help but feel that I broke her, which is probably what she feels about me.
Have you thought about meditation? How’s it going for you today? Have you dug into your ONS and whys yet?
I unfortunately, can not meditate. Always too much going on upstairs. I'm feeling alright, just got out of the hospital. On the good bless, I can not participate in HB related activities for a month. Unless I'm good with never getting an erection again. Other than that, my brother is being an asshat in general, trying to push me to divorce, and my daughter is discovering the joy of art. Crayons, markers, feces.
My IC and I have started digging. So far the whys appear to be similar to my wife's. I didn't feel desired, while my AP chased me in a roundabout way. I felt like I had done something so horrendously wrong that my wife couldn't even talk to me about it. There's probably more. A lot more.
With every lingering pain that happens when I’m triggered I feel the need to pursue the revenge affair.
I’m not sure what else I can do to make me okay with eating a shit sandwich.
You aren't supposed to be okay with eating a shit sandwich. Since I didn't know about my wife's affair, mine isn't really a revenge affair, but do you know what mine got me? A second shit sandwich. Instead of me and my wife each eating a single shit sandwich apiece, we're both eating two, double-decker, shit sandwiches apiece.
The only way you won't end the same if you 'get even' is if you don't regret it. In which case, you would eventually be unhappy with your own behavior during this time.