SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Looking back, I don't think my WH floated in and out of any "fog".

I think, in his case, he has been used to being able to talk his way out of anything and his comments, like your Wh's comments about doing ANYTHING to make this right, it is just words. Words spoken in the hope it will be enough to have things "the way it was" before we became aware of their betrayals.

In time, you may become aware of more laziness on his part. If you are prone to examining the past you may become aware of who really carried the water in your R, and in your lives.

The best thing you can do for yourself, and your baby, is nurture yourself. Don't struggle and ruminate with him, it will only disturb your personal peace and thwart your understanding.

It will feel very dark, for a while. Know that. There is no getting around moving through the darkness to move into the light. Everytime you make a detour, back into the struggle and darkness, will stall your journey into the light.

ETA: typo

An unremorseful spouse can not assist your healing.

[This message edited by alphakitte at 7:08 AM, October 4th (Friday)]

Stat - I just read through this thread, and as a Vet I just want to say that seeing this from that point of view, your H is doing the minimum to convince you to not D. If you don't force him to make changes and address the issues at hand he will continue to mistreat you emotionally, and most likely will go right back to cheating.

He is NOT remorseful, he is just wanting to maintain the status quo, a truly remorseful spouse does anything and everything they need to to help the BS.

Stay 180, see an attorney, and rely on family and friends for love and support. You also need to get some IC so that you figure out that you will be just fine being independent and on your own.

((((and strength))))

He said he will not run circles around me to fix it. I can file for divorce if I like.

Oh fuck him! He should be standing on his head shitting nickles while whistling Dixie.

HE did this, HE can either do ALL the work to attempt to repair it, or HE can kick rocks.

Your daughter desperately needs a mother right now. Quit wasting precious energy engaging with that cocksucking motherfucker.

HE put your and your daughter's lives at risk with his behavior. Think about that for a second. If you found him with a gun to her head, how sorry would you feel for him then?

Get mad honey, I mean like go-to-jail mad, throw down in the parking lot of Walmart like white trash mad. It will serve you well.

He.risked.his.marriage.

He. risked.your.health.

He.risked.his.daughter's.health.

He.risked.his.job.

I hear what you all are saying. Your objectivity keeps me focused. My mind is in agreement, it's just taking my heart time to catch up. Every part of me feels so raw, that I think I'm letting the full truth of his actions sink in bit by bit because I cannot handle it all at once. Perhaps once it sinks in, I'll get angry like I need to in order to propel myself forward. His actions just break up all the basic assumptions I've carried around my entire life about love, respect, honesty, and my assumptions about him. It is hard for me to make all these adjustments right away, which is probably why I invest so much energy trying to understand. I don't want my the beliefs I've held my entire life about the way the world should work and how people should treat each other to be shattered. I know when the shock and denial wears off, my basic assumptions will need to change.

I don't want my the beliefs I've held my entire life about the way the world should work and how people should treat each other to be shattered.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your beliefs. People should treat each other with decency and respect. The problem with douchebags is they don't share your beliefs. It doesn't matter what he has "said" he believes. What are his actions telling you?

I think he is on as much of a roller coaster as you are. Considering the chaos that is ensuing, it's not surprising that you are both all over the map.

Just breathe - you do not have to make a decision now.

As far as coping, just be patient, it will get easier as time goes by. What I did was force myself to focus. When I would feel really down, start thinking about horrible things, I would force myself to stop it and think about something else. If I was in my living room I would literally stop everying and focus on what was right in front of my face, the couch, the coffee table, etc. Look out the window and really look. See the trees with their leaves off and what a pretty sight they were. I know it all seems overwhelming, but you do have some control/power over your day. Take the control back. I think if you can accomplish "acceptance" you are halfway there. Of course it sucks, things are a mess, but ok, accept they are a mess and focus on what you are going to do to move forward.

We can tell you a million times that it will get better, you will focus at work, you will find peace. But for you, all you feel is misery right now - it's hard to hear those messages and believe them, but try.

What momaofana said..When and if I ever get in another argument with my WH about whether or not he was remorseful n the aftermath of his A, I will use her analogy..I might substitute watermelons for the nickels, lol..Perfect analogy for what the remorseful person should be willing to do to fix things after major betrayal..

I need to take my own advice but here goes..

I hope I don't come off as preaching or rambling..

I am hoping that what you are experiencing with your WH is the worst and last betrayal of this magnitude that you will ever experience for the rest of your life..I have this hope for all of us and myself also...

I have learned that people, even our loved ones, can be counted on to do the unexpected...Some of the things people say and do will be shitty..Once I begin to expect the world to behave a certain way the rug always gets pulled out from under my feet..I have a trusting nature and I will keep my trust in a person unless and until her or she betrays that trust or gives me a reason to be wary..

I guess what I am saying is that it is essential for one to have faith in HIM/HERSELF that he or she will weather any storm in the best way possible..Prayer

counseling, education, skills, hobbies, etc,etc can give us the tools to nurture ourselves thru the worst of experiences..

Most people do want to help other people and be good people..With that being said there are some sick, rotten and broken people out there..At the very least, our WH's are broken..

It is up to us to ask for help when we need it.. We are good at nurturing other people.. It is time we learn to nurture and put a little more focus on ourselves..It is a process and a journey to gather up the strength and the tools, to gain faith in ourselves..This faith is necessary to deal with whatever the world dishes out at us..

Honey -- it was him that risk his job. HE did that. You have nothing to do with him losing his job if you tell or if someone finds out. He should have thought of that before he cheated. My fWH did the same thing!

"statistic" ITs an emotional Ride ....I went through the same ups and downs and total numbness .Hang in there you don't have to make any major decisions .I opted for R and its still going strong ....This is coming from someone that alwasy said I will not put up with infidelity . Focus on you ..right now you are scared beleive me you will go through all kind of emotion including anger .Regarding your work Please just take deep breaths .I did take a week off and when I went back I plunged myself in all kind of projects !! they kept my mind off I am not sure if you can do that .Just take it easy you don't have to make a dicision right now or anytime in the near future .When you make a dicision you will have a clear mind and you will know what you really want !! hang in there

Thank you. I wish I could repay you all for your time and advice.

((((statistic)))))

Is he still living out of the house? I'm not entirely sure, but if he isn't and it's viable for you too, see if you can get him out.

I would also be changing the passwords to all of those financial things he gave you.

Did you see the lawyer? If not go now.

I just had my DDAY anniversary, the first one. I was really upset it was when my life fell apart in many ways not just the infidelity.

DDAY two (which is in a couple of days) I made a series of choices to get my life back together (without SI). Now I am looking upon this day with a smile, because I made so many good choices that day, I can say to myself "fuck it, I still did well".

You need to take a day off work and make a series of GOOD CHOICES, you don't need a family member to hold your hand. Infact I would recommend against it because you need to prove to yourself you are independent. It's going to be a hard day (definitely) but I want you in a year's time to look back on that day with pride. For me this dday that's coming up I didn't realise how many choices I made that were good, I just jumped out of bed and did them.

You can jump out of bed and make good choices too. Allocate a day, change the passwords to the financial aspects, book a lawyer's appt, try and kick him out, and whatever else you need to do.

Then do something nice for yourself, I was really broke so I just brought some chocolate. It was pretty fucking good

Thank you Lauren123. I took your advice and made good decisions today. Ones that involved only myself, my daughter, family and friends. I hope I can keep it up.

I was also surprised to read posts from others... They all sound like mine. There is nothing special or unique or better/worse about what my husband did. He betrayed me, pure and simple.

Statistic, I rarely post on Just found out forum anymore.

All the nasty and cruel things he said to you were out of pure panic and to try to control you. Making you feel that if you told his job that you were ruining any chances of R??

All the same crap my H told me.

Then the shit hits the fan and they are left alone. My H did all the same things.... He was ashamed and said he would do whatever I wanted. Saying that he knew he screwed up the most precious thing he ever had in his life and he was ready for any consequences including death. He even told me several times he wished for death for hurting me. Within a few weeks MOW's H and myself

thought the the A was over and done...

WRONG. He ended up taking underground. Then he slowly would start to get defensive, telling me " you see this is why this wont work between us! You need to let it go, I'm not with that lying bitch anymore!"

But he was... Not every single WS restarts the A again. But many do.

I had your same attitude. I loved him more than he deserved. I tried to be perfect. I tried playing nice, being his friend. Until I said no more and decided I was selling off everything I could and move with our youngest daughter. I put my trust in God and got counseling. I was destroyed, I wanted to die everyday for months. I lost a crazy amount of weight in2 months, tons of hair fell out, I had to take a few sleeping pills each night.

I cried myself to sleep for months because we had NEVER slept apart in 20 yrs. And there I was I a kingsize bed curled up a mess.

Today we are in true R. The remorse hit him like a bomb once he was away from MOW for like 4-6 months of NC. I still struggle with all the mean things he said and did. I found way too much evidence, videos of her naked, pictures galore, caught them once, texts, stains on clothes....

Today he's 200% transparent. It took

God, patience and doing the 180.

There is awesome advice here.

Remember ONE THING. Engrave this in your brain. There is no more taking his word for it. Actions,actions ...actions is what you need to go by.

It doesn't matter if he has an alibi.

If he gets upset because now that he's being honest you doubt him?

He lost that and it will take as long as it takes to get it back. Trust can return but you will never be blind again. There are great people here who understand.

((Hugs))

Statistic, I'm glad to read you made good decisions for yourself and your daughter today. You are gaining perspective and getting stronger emotionally.

Focusing on you and your baby are what you need to do right now.

This, from momoftana,

He should be standing on his head shitting nickles while whistling Dixie.

is so true, funny-as-hell, and is going in the quote thread.

What type of behavior should I expect to see of someone that is truly remorseful. I understand the need to focus on his behavior and not his words. How did you all know your spouses were truly remorseful?

So far, he sounds remorseful but goes back and forth on mc depending on wether or not he is angry. He continues to inflame our conversations by bringing up his paranoid beliefs that I want to tell everyone in the whole world and ruin him.

I'm in individual counseling. I'm not making any movement. Have any of you decided to divorce instead of reconcile? How has it been since?

Here is the thing--as long as he is telling you that you will be ruining his life if you tell everybody, he is not owning his stuff. You will not be doing anything but telling the truth. He needs to be prepared for you to tell anybody and to suck it up and deal with the consequences. HE DID THIS. He cannot ask you to cover up for him.

Now, there are perfectly good reasons for you to limit the number of people that you tell. If you do R, it can make it easier with family and friends. On the other hand, you may need the support of these people. You need to make that call. What your WH needs to do is understand and support your decision, whatever you decide. He needs to understand that your decision is not made to "punish" him, but to promote your healing.

Until he is ready to own his behavior and deal with the consequences and not put any part of this on you, he is not ready to R.

I find myself in less emotional turmoil than I was when I first found out and it's been just over 2 weeks. I wonder if I am numb or in disbelief. Did any of you struggle with this? I don't want to stay this way because I not want to run away from my problems, rug sweep, or only postpone the necessary grieving process.

It may also be the fact that he is acting more like the person I thought he was. Still, all in all, I don't feel as intense emotions right now and it's weird given the turmoil I was in just recently. Did you all go through stages where you didn't feel as intense about the affair as before? Of course it is uncomfortable to think about, but it doesn't floor me like it did just a week ago.

Also, how many details about the affair did you all find helpful for your own recovery? Did you need specifics about the affair? Or was knowing that it was a PA all you needed to know. I find myself wanting to know how they made plans and his things from me. I want to know how close they were to one another and what he saw in her. When did you have enough info? How did you know?

Signs of remorse from. My WS:

: he stopped going back and forth with defensiveness then sorry

: he cried A Lot/ he would go over the story and keep saying " why did I risk losing the best thing in my life?

: he calmly gave me access to all his accounts/passwords, deleted people off FB.

: quit hanging out totally

: quit the gym, where he met her

( this was huge to me because he absolutely loved to work out most of his life!)but he didnt miss the gym anymore and quit working out until now. We workout together now.

:called me through out the day to see how I was feeling. Sent lots of texts during the day, sending quotes..apologizing

: avoids as many triggers as he can for me

: has made me his main priority

: he apologized to my family, his family and friends ALL INDIVIDUALLY. I didn't demand this but he ultimately felt that everyone deserved an apology because he hurt so many people and if he wanted R then he had to so this.

:he started visiting church with me searched and found a men's group at our church that helps him tremendously.

: he has felt the need to talk to people he knows that are having an A and shares his story

: he calls me as soon a he leaves work and we talk until he gets here. If he's running late at work he ALWAYS calls me from work to let me know

The most important thing that he has done this on his own. I feel he understands just how much he destroyed my heart and trust.

But in the first months I to R he acted a lot like your H. Same comments and all. It's like they have a few moments where they feel how fucked up they are and feel guilt...but then switch back to douchebag mode. Either road you choose will be difficult but you will end it in a better place