SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I "wasn't meeting his man-needs".

Didn't matter that 5:00am, deep in REM sleep was not my high point of sexual energy, and at bedtime he was either watching TV catatonicly or snoring, or that when I begged him to make love in the morning he shrugged me off to go have brekkie with his business partner - EVERY DAY. Nor was being yelled at or given the silent treatment my idea of foreplay. In spite of that, we still had sex several times a week if not every day, and I only refused him ONCE in 43 years - after I knew he was screwing around.

He is still telling everyone he can this lie. His last word on the subject was an email to me saying that he hoped and prayed I would learn to take care of a man both in and out of his pants.

I, too, was too controlling. I wouldn't let him wear his black socks rolled down over his white ones. (Sorry for laughing - I thought it was a joke)

I didn't allow him to drink.

(we were abstainers from the get-go - never knew he wanted to!)

I got the "my way or the highway" speech too. unfortunately, when dealing with a passive-aggressive, SOMEBODY has to make decisions/take action when one partner refuses.

I was unsupportive. Because I asked questions like "how are we going to pay for this?"

All in all - its all garbage, justification, entitlement and excuses to enable him to look in the mirror. I was not perfect, but I was pretty darn close. I was an awesome mom and an even better wife to someone who did not deserve me.

- Not being a mind reader when I was supposed to have been

- Not being able to control the recession

- Apparently not supporting her in her work. I never complained that she had to travel. And I let her go chase the job and promotion she wanted while I took care of our son.

- Not being excited about life because my father died, my mother got cancer two weeks later (which stress caused me to get shingles), I had a 9 day hospital stint for a kidney problem and had a kitchen accident that spurred two emergency room visits. Yeah I was a bit depressed that year.

- the fact that she was the bread winner and her job was throwing money at her left and right and my business wasn't. Guess that's my fault.

- That I wasn't feeding her ego or praising her enough for her need for validation.

Let's see...

Apparently telling him that I didn't want to have sex during my period was rejecting him.

Having sex at least twice a week wasn't enough.

He wanted oral sex.

But it all boils down to,

I failed Mind-Reading 101, because he never expressed any of these needs.

a big expensive camera just to take 600 pictures of the cat,

Ha ha ha. This is so funny that they all pretty much convince themselves of the same justifications.

-if we are controlling then they must be weak

-if we are not meeting their "needs" they must also not be meeting ours

-if we are treating them like handymen/handywomen then they must not be showing much interest in the house on their own

-if we can't read their minds, then they must be caowards and shit communicators

Seriously, a cheater is a cheater. THey are not HONEST and that includes being honest with themselves. I guess it is pretty simple to be a douche.

I have a letter WH wrote me a week or so before DD#2. Despite his fervent desire to torch it now, I'm keeping it. It's the perfect example of just where his head was for most of our marriage. In it, he accused me of lots of things, including:

1. Being too "selfless," which he insinuated was being deliberately martyr like.

2. Being hard to get along with, because I wanted to talk and resolve the issues we were having 11 months post the first DD.

3. For not realizing he had been unhappy for "a long, long time."

4. For being hard to talk to about his long term unhappiness.

5. For being too responsible, which was contributing to his long term unhappiness.

I found out about the second set of EAs with three different women two days later, which had been going on for five months at that point.

I was blamed for....everything!!!!

1. His drinking. He drank because I was home or he would pick a fight to give him an "reason" to drink.

2. His affair. I wasnt affectionate enough. I didn't have his "back". I didt want to have sex with him.

3. Finding out about the affair. He was so careless that it wasn't as if I had him bugged.

4. The ending of our marriage. From him...."Everyone else cheats and they get to live happily ever after. Why don't I?"

I could go on, but I think the point is made.

As our marriage disintegrated, I was blamed for things all the back to our honeymoon. Things I had never heard, never knew.

According to her, the entire marriage was bad, all 25 years of it.

I so wish I'd not wasted her time.

I was blamed for the following:

1) Being signed off work for two months with mild work related depression in Spring of 2012.

Spending those two months at home dropping off and collecting the children from school and doing household chores so that WW didn't have to. She said she resented me for doing the stuff with the kids that she wanted to do.

2) Forcing her to have an affair

3) Forcing her to work fulltime so that we could afford a chosen lifestyle

4)Finding out about the affair

5)Proving that my suspicions were correct

6) She had no choice but to have an affair. It was my fault. I drove her onto the cock of another man.

7) I wanted sex too much so she has a physical affair with another man and has to put out even more for him.

Cliche after cliche:

Too controlling (she once called it "nurturing")

Not enough "space" (I told her to go,out with her friends; I'd watch the kids, as I always did. )

Suffocating ( I told her to take a trip with some girlfriends; have fun)

Didn't appreciate how hard she worked (begged her to quit her job as it was clearly stressful for,her and was adversely affecting our family, taking her away from the children. Told her we would downsize our life if we needed too. No problem. Told her to take a year off. Told her I'd support anything she was interested in; e.g., going back to school)

I forced her to have an affair

I made her move out. Twice. (I begged her not to go and then to please come back.)

Just on and on. Sickening.

It was my fault because:

I made him marry me.

I wouldn't let him have ow as a friend.

All we did was fight.

I was trying to control him.

I wanted him to wear his wedding ring.

I lost to much wieght.

Nothing he did was good enough for me.

I was never happy with what he gave me.

List goes on and on..

And the latest: Because I checked his phone.

The all time big one: HE CAN'T TRUST ME!

I can relate to everyone of these lists. especially

1. being controlling

2. not meeting his needs

whatever...

All of this stuff needs to go in the affair Fog handbook.

Some of this crap, though ridiculous and sad, is also hilarious because of its contradictoriousness (I know that cannot be a real word!)

7) I wanted sex too much so she has a physical affair with another man and has to put out even more for him.

I was unsupportive. Because I asked questions like "how are we going to pay for this?"

- Not being able to control the recession

5. For being too responsible, which was contributing to his long term unhappiness.

The all time big one: HE CAN'T TRUST ME!

And the list goes on and on and on and ....

I got a new one this past weekend.

I am being blamed for why her seasonal allergies are so bad this year. Aparently I don't deep clean enough when I clean the house.

I spent too much time on the computer. Never mind that often it was for work. And my computer was in the living/main room. I also didn't spend enough time with the family and focused too much on sports. Never mind that my sports events started at 9-10 at night on Sundays when everyone else was sleeping, also never mind that almost every waking moment when I wasn't at work or driving to/from work I spent it with my family it still wasn't enough. I also didn't help out enough around the house. Never mind that I was moving a few tons of stone and built a stone retaining wall for our garden and filled it with dirt all with a broken rib. I just didn't help out enough.

I think they just find excuses for their affairs and try to justify it so they don't have to face the reality of what they did.

I failed Mind-Reading 101, because he never expressed any of these needs.

^^THIS^^^

I honestly can't believe the stuff that came out of his mouth.

We didn't like the same movies.

I didn't like sports.

I didn't want his brother to be the best man at our wedding. (Really??)

He hadn't loved me in years.

I was never happy.

We grew apart.

I should have known he was unhappy. (even though he never expressed that he was.)

I could go on and on with ridiculous nonsense. In one breath he'll say I did nothing wrong, I was a good wife, he shouldn't have cheated. And in the next breath he'll say something completely retarded.

It didn't matter what I did. Everything was always my fault. Breathing...exsisting....How dare I?

<====== Used too many paper towels.

I think I may have single-handedly caused global warming.

Oh, I forgot, among the list of my most terrible flaws contributing to her "unhappiness in much of the marriage":

I played too much Xbox. (Guess I should have been at strip clubs instead.)

I chewed too much nicotine gum. (I guess I should have smoked.)

I didn't want her to have leather seats for our new car. (We didn't have much money at the time.)

I was impatient when teaching her how to use a computer.

I didn't want to visit Cambridge after an exhausting (and wonderful( afternoon walking all around Boston.

I am truly a monster! She really had no choice...

Ummm, everything.

Pretty much blamed me for everything: Top blames:

1. When we flew to London (note after 18 hr flight/stopovers) I didn't go with him to have a drink - I had a 2 hour sleep. He had to have a drink with a crazy Irishman.(last in London 14 yrs ago!! He insisted I rest because I was also unwell...food poisoning!!

2. He used to sing...but I was jealous of him so he stopped....note stopped 25 yrs ago

3. you are the reason why I don't have a relationship with my brother & sister. Note no one has a relationship with these people....WH said they never do anything. Note their mother died in 2011 & they couldn't even help with funeral details. That was left to WH, me & step-siblings

4. I wouldn't give him a back massage @ 10 pm even though I had promised in the morning. Note I was studying & looking after children. Never offered me a back massage.

5. I didn't pick the car he had chosen for me....yes dear i didn't want that car.

6. .....the list goes on.

The bottom line is they are very selfish individuals who need to blame others because they cannot look at own internal problems.