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I agree with Sister 100%.

That he actually went? That she wasn't blocked from being able to communicate with him in the first place? That he honored her last request by flying to her bedside..is he going to hold her hand until she passes?

Im sorry she is dying. Im sorry for her family. But it's you that I fell the most compassion for. Your WH asked if he could fly to see his mistress..and you said yes. Ive lost family to cancer too..this woman is not your family..and she is no friend of your WH.

What you did was so incredibly unselfish.

But what he did?

Selfish..and wayward.

(((((Crazy Daze))))

ETA: My little borther was dying of a rare disease when I was in the 3rd grade..he was in the first. He spent most of that year in the hospital. His Last Rite's were read. Im very happy to say that he is now a 38 year old man...and one of my very best friends.

Last Rite's are not a foregone conclusion that the person is going to pass away.

I understand..this is different..she has cancer. And,while Im sorry for anyone in that situation...your WH should not have gone.

(((((Crazy daze)))))

No sister

Not kind of resentment but resentment of not getting to have a bf or gf while married, but having the mindset that they were controlled by a spouse, wrong or right it would be there.

My spouse would never had gone because she is already dead to him. And if she isn't, then he can pack his bags, go to her, but never return to me.

I don't see any compassion in this at all. OP, I know you must be hurting very much. Big hugs to you.

Randomthoughts, but don't the WS's feel we are being controlling when we "make" them go NC with the AP's? Don't they feel we are controlling when we set up boundaries? Do they resent us? No, not if they are truly remorseful and they understand what healthy relationships are.

My spouse would never had gone because she is already dead to him. And if she isn't, then he can pack his bags, go to her, but never return to me.

Totally agree with Rebreather.

((((Crazy Daze))))

I think the fact that your WH even considered going, and his asking you if he could go is the issue.

It shouldn't be up to you to decide. You aren't a cop, or his mother.

He should have told you about the phone call and ended it there. Indifference towards OW is the goal here, IMO. Obviously he is not indifferent.

I'm sorry he put you in that position.

Sister

Yes a truly remorseful way ward will not see it as controlling or be resentful because hopefully by that time its seen as protecting oneself and the family from harm by the foggy wayward and the other person.

But her husband is not quite there yet, he might the he is but jumping on that plane is telling all of us something different.

When he comes to his senses or while he's coming out of the fog the downside of that will include fights he will try to turn it around as her being controlling and mean that he didn't get to say his goodbye.

Daze might not be able to recover from this if her anger breaks through, she is a Saint and I hope that her wayward gets his act together.

You did what you believed was right. That is best anyone can ever do.

Now, the best outcome might be if H arrives "a little too late". That way, you know you did your best, H did what he thought was called for, and if she is disappointed, she gets to take that up with her Maker. What could be more fair than that?

I see your point, Random. Yeah, Daze is a saint and I frankly wouldn't /couldn't be a saint and put up with this sort of thing. Not saying that is the only way to go, though.

I fully agree with your decision; it was a christian gift to the OW and speaks well of your compassionate nature.

I also agree that your FWH is a lucky man to have a wife with such a forgiving soul.

My spouse would never had gone because she is already dead to him. And if she isn't, then he can pack his bags, go to her, but never return to me.

^^^What Rebreather said.

Also agree with Sister.

...and confused615.

Nope, dying doesn't give someone a free pass. She should be begging to see Crazy Daze to ask for forgiveness. As for him going, I believe it just validates their relationship and that is very disrespectful to Crazy Daze. A remorseful spouse does NOT ask to see an affair partner, regardless of the circumstances!

Last Rite's are not a foregone conclusion that the person is going to pass away.

That was my second thought - just after my first thought that CD is amazingly compassionate, loving, and giving. It was the Christian thing to do and because of that I pray for you that your husband realizes what a GIFT he has in you. I have a very deep faith (although my language sometimes contradicts that) and I honestly don't know that I could have done the same. It's not that I am a heartless person - it's just that I don't give a damn about her or what happens to her.

You all know from my going on an on about it how Shrek has ingratiated herself all into the life of my in-laws. Every time I look up there is her fugly face just waiting for an opportunity to pounce on my husband. We had a death in the family earlier this year and sure enough she was at the funeral bawling her eyes out and drawing all kinds of attention to herself. Yet, there I sat, not 10 feet from the casket wishing it was her in it. Shame on me, but I bow to you CD for your strength, forgiveness, and compassion. Bravo.

What motivated you to acquiesce to this? Relief that OW would be gone forever?

I think it was a terrible idea. Not selfless and loving, but confusing and destructive.

Your husband is sharing end-of-life intimacies with another woman. One he loves.

I don't know if you've ever gone through death with a loved one, but it is a sacred and VERY intimate time.

I would NOT want my WH with his OW during this intensely intimate time.

It would cement her specialness in his mind. Poor, martyred OW, living without him until he gallantly shows up to declare undying love at her side, as she lies on her deathbed?

I'm afraid the intimacies they share will haunt the remainder of your marriage.

You've invited OW back into your lives. Only now, her spirit will be omnipresent. I know your intentions were generous, but I think this was very, very unwise.

I hope you keep peace with this. It makes me cringe.

I couldnt do this. Over is over. Its supposed to be over..... What does she want? DOes she want to sit and talk about the past? She could have left a letter. He should have refused to go.... Again, you are not put first. Which means she is.

he put you into a unconscionable position and manipulated your feelings of compassion and grief over your own losses.

That you took the high road and agrees speaks volumes of your sense of grace and dignity.

That he asked to do this speaks volumes of his disrespect for you.

he put you into a unconscionable position and manipulated your feelings of compassion and grief over your own losses.

Crazy Daze said that her WH didn't ask. However, he shouldn't have even gotten the call in the first place. In the second place, even if you did offer, he should have refused. I feel you are projecting your situation with your dear friend onto this situation, Crazy Daze. They aren't comparable at all.

I think that the fact that he went to her is going to be the final nail in the coffin.....

I would send him packin permanently.

She should of already been dead to him!

(((Crazy daze)))

I hope this works out for you.

Me, I would have helped him pack....everything.

Good morning, Crazy Daze.

How are you feeling today?