SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your healing continues, in spite of the guy's hangups and condescension. Take care Aubrie and keep going!!!

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:21 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

(((Aubrie))),

If he's truly NPD, he'll only continue to hurt you if you let him. It's tough, but NC really is the best way to go with NPDs.

I "screwed up" and talked to my BIL the other day. Royally pissed off my NPD SIL. I should have just stayed completely NC.

So, I get it. It completely pisses you off and there's nowhere to put that anger because expressing it at them gets you nowhere.

Just keep healing YOU.

My sister opened up and said she feared him. Always had. He told her it was all I'm her head and she needed to stop it. I piped up and said if it was all in her head, then it was all in mine, and we must both be crazy and need therapy. (sarcasm) My mom was so angry and they were both "flabbergasted" that we would say something like that because he "has never" given us a reason to fear him. Oh. Ok.

He made a HUGE production about apologizing about "stuff that happened 15 years ago". Because that's in the PAST. That's not today. And dwelling on all that old stuff prevents us from moving forward. (Rugsweeping) He completely discounted our feelings and if he actually acknowledged anything, it was in a condescending attitude. But ya know, he loves us soooo much.

I pointed out that his love is conditional as long as we're making him proud, then he rips it away when we embarrass him or if we fall. He completely denied that and said that I belonged to my husband and what I do falls back on my husband. That it doesn't matter to him one way or the other. Liar. LIAR! He has ALWAYS made his displeasure known. Even in my raising of MY children.

Oh there was a lovely little bit about the kids too. We asked they back off reprimanding our children if we are present. He basically said if its his house and the noise/chaos exceeds his tolerance, he WILL get onto them. No you wont. Because you have ZERO tolerance. They won't come over anymore. I pointed out that despite what they think, my children are very well behaved and people always rave about how good they are, even when they're somewhat rowdy. I got an earful on that one too.

I tried. We all did. We knew it most likely wouldn't help anything. But he knows where we stand. That's what I keep telling myself. He cant say he doesn't know now.

I fluctuate between anger at the stupidity of it all, and "my give a dang is busted". He will never change. And I know his cycle. I've seen him do this to other families. He will either cut us out, be condescending towards us in the name of being "kind", or pack his bags and move to another city. I hope he chooses option 3. Buh-bye.

It wasn't worthless - there's value in you and your sister saying your truths out loud, even if they weren't received.

Sending you, QS and your kids strength and comfort. Onward together.

(((Aubrie)))

I take my hat off to you.

It takes a lot of strength & insight to do what you just did.

I just wanted to tell you that I have learned a lot from reading your posts over the last few months.

I have been following this one closely because I have a very similiar problem with a NPD MIL. I have not had a relationship with her since Dday but keep getting subtle

pressure from WH to resume some sort of relationship with her for the kids sake.

Altho I see it clearly ( same dynamic as you are describing with the condescension, "she hasn't done anything wrong so I am the one with the problem", etc.), I do not feel strong enough to even confront her, because she has a way of manipulating the conversation---I'm sure you know what I mean. My only other option was to not have any contact.

It sounds like you were able to stay very centered & say what you needed to say.

We are proud of you!

Just wanted to add, I think that one of the main issues when dealing with NPD in a family member, especially an elder, is believing that we have a right to stand up for ourselves. At least, that is what I struggle with.

Sorry Aubrie. It sucks.

Keeping people like that at a distance is the only way. It does hurt. And there is no changing them.

NIK is right, there was something achieved because you spoke up.

This is a toxic relationship. One it's best to be out of. And it's good not to spread the man into your children's lives anyway.

Ugh- FOO.

Thanks mchercheur. Its been quite a journey. Deep down I knew that this would come to a head and there would be confrontation, but I kept hoping otherwise. Delusional much?

I feel a sense of peace that I was able to say some things, even tho it fell on deaf ears. I only regret that I cried. I couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't do it stone cold, sober faced. Dang emotions.

The family dynamic will never be the same again. It will be very awkward, but I'm prepared for that. If NC is the only answer, cool beans.

This process has also healed the relationship between my sister and I. We bear many of the same scars. We are communicating on a much deeper, more mature level. This process is helping her heal and fix her own issues. And her husband is very supportive of both her and I.

Something I keep thinking about. When I told my Mom about my A, literally the first thing out of her mouth was, "You know I can't tell your dad." Well....why not? If he doesn't judge people, doesn't keep score, if I rise and fall by my own merits, if I "belong" to QS now, why does Daddy dear's opinions or thoughts on it matter hmmmm? Both my parents are talking out both sides of their mouths. Surpriiiise!

Crazy making. But I am ok. My sister will be ok, our husbands and children will be ok, and life will go on.

The family dynamic will never be the same again.

Is this really a bad thing?

When you change, the people around you can't not change. I heard that from either our MC or Catwoman, I can't remember, but in any case, it's true. In some ways your parents seem similar to BR's, and this was a huge thing we had to deal with early on. I'm still on high alert when they're around our kids, but it really hasn't been an issue, because we make it very clear to them that we are our kids parents and will do the parenting.

No. Its not a bad thing. Just different.

I explained to my sister about us changing, them not, and "the norm" no longer being "the norm". She sees it. But its still new to her and she's trying to figure out how to accept and find peace with it. Time. Just takes time.

You did the right thing. And you held your ground. It is so hard to step out of these foo patterns, and everyone will fight to shove you back into your role. Take care of yourself, your husband and kids. I am happy that you and your sister are finding each other in this in a deeper way. Take care.

Saw my family in a public setting today. Mother shunned me completely. Wouldn't even look at me. Kept her back to me at all times. My dad made eye contact but that was it. How big of him.

Yay FOO. Thanks for some of that unconditional love you swore up and down you had for your kids. Not.

I feel so sad. My daughter is so close to Mother. And to have that stripped away? How do I tell her? How do I help her process and fill the void? How can you replace people in your life? You can't. Not without pain and scars. How do I help a 8 and 5 year old thru that? I don't even know what to say to them.

"Your grandparents are childish brats, throwing a tantrum for not getting their way. Look good and hard kids. That's how NOT to act."

I'm so tired. Exhausted from being on high alert. Tired of the mind games. Knowing they are still trying to manipulate. (Mother's tears and boohooing) I can see her texting or calling a day or two from now. "Why haven't you talked to me? Do you have a problem with me?" Uhh...no Drama Queen. Do you?

She's done it before. I will not be surprised if she did it again.

QS held me today while I was in a weepy moment. "Its ok to grow up. You've waited a long time to do that." That broke my heart to hear. I've been stunted. I feel so behind the rest of the kids in my class.

I'm really sorry things didn't go down better, Aubrie. For what it is worth, I think it took a lot of courage for you and your sister to stand up to your folks. I think you did the right thing.

Sending strength to you and your family.

Proud of you, Aubrie. That had to be difficult but you took your piece of control back.

I love my parents dearly, but my father needs this confrontation. I've chosen to deal with it, though, by just keeping my distance and maintaining my relationship with my mom. I see no value in engaging with him, especially because I am not sure I could get my siblings to go along with me.

Good for you. I hope you find some peace in the new family dynamic.

Aubrie,

That was a very brave thing to do. It took me years to do, and some of the stuff got resolved and some remained as status quo. The difference now is, I assert my boundaries and that feels good. (Scary sometimes, but good!) It is empowering to be true to ourselves.

I picture it as that damaged little girl finally getting the love and care that she needs. When our parents don't do it, we have to step up and help that little girl heal. Then we can be on our way to being healthy women.

And think of your own children, and how you and your H are changing that cycle. That's what we have power over.

I feel so sad. My daughter is so close to Mother. And to have that stripped away? How do I tell her? How do I help her process and fill the void? How can you replace people in your life? You can't. Not without pain and scars. How do I help a 8 and 5 year old thru that? I don't even know what to say to them.

Do you want your kids to keep watching you get verbally/emotionally abused by your parents & get the message that it is acceptable for you to be treated that way? You would be teaching your kids that it is ok to let people treat you & them that way.

Still no communication of any form from the parental units. Bizarre feeling. There is freedom, there is peace, QS said last night he respects me so much more for standing up for myself. Yet there is a burden. I don't want to "be right" and them "be wrong". Its not about that. It's about respect. Its about being healthy and retraining them how they can and cannot treat us. And I know its a time thing.

Our counselor (Pick your jaw up. Yes we have a counselor) has been the biggest help and support. Has my parents pegged. I think the counselor knows them better than they know themselves. Which I find humorous for some reason. They aren't near as healthy as they're trying to tell everyone. And I'm finding out more and more, there aren't many people buying their brand of crazy. I feel so stupid for not being able to see it sooner.

Everything I was telling my sister last week? All the stuff we were told is "all in your head and you need to stop it right now"? Yeah, I was right and it's not all in our heads. Its real. And the counselor labeled it abuse. And all but called my dad a narcissistic bully.

We were given examples on what to say should we be approached. That was my struggle. What do I say if they come to me? I have ammo now. A non-confrontational, subtle message that says, "This is not cool, I am hurt by your actions, this will take time, and I am not rug sweeping this crap."

I don't want my children to think it's ok to be abused. I don't want the to think its acceptable to be treated the way they've been treated while at the parental unit's house. That was something brought up in the meeting. They are MY children, I will discipline them if needed. Well, I was informed that the parental units have "a certain threshold" and if my children cross it, they will be disciplined by my parental unit. Umm....what!? They didn't tell me where that "threshold" is, and it really doesn't matter. They are MY kids. Raise up off of them. So...my children will not be going there anymore. Simple as that.

The parental units wouldn't dare to discipline other people's children. But its ok for mine? Not anymore. I'm over it. I was abused. I will not tolerate it for myself or my children a minute longer.

My sister and I have been crutches for my parents. Although my Dad acts like he's a-ok, he has zero self-esteem. Zero self-worth. That's why he uses people around him. To feel more important and loved. When he builds "friendships", they are always with people with money or influence. Makes dad feel more special. He uses us kids in a similar way. We're part of his mini empire. We took that away from him. He's not a happy camper.

Mother suffers from "social anxiety". Which frankly, I don't buy. I don't want to come off as heartless but I saw her say something in the meeting and she started crying. Dude. M-a-n-i-p-u-l-a-t-i-o-n. My heart turned to ice. I feel zero pity. Her "social anxiety" is fed by her using ME as a crutch. She makes me entertain the guests that dad invites at the drop of a hat. No more. She vents to me about "your father". Umm...tell HIM. Work it out with HIM. But noooo. "I could never tell him this!". Well, sounds like they need counseling. I'm not the sounding board anymore. I've taken her crutch away. She has "no one" to talk to. She is terrified. Wonder how long they'll sit in that house without their crutches before their world comes crashing down around them. That little paradise they are trying to sell to everyone? It's all smoke and mirrors.

All the crap she has told me and my sister we need to do? Make new friends, do new things, make time for ourselves, communicate with our husbands, get our husbands into counseling? Yeah. She won't do any of it herself! She has no friends, she has no outside hobbies, she doesnt make time for herself, she doesn't communicate with her husband, and OMG, they do n.o.t. need counseling. "Aubrie, you don't really know what its like over there..." Yes I do. We were enmeshed for years. I know her very well. Too well.

The sadness comes and goes. The tears come and go. Ultimately, I know we're doing the right thing. It's just new and different. Those little voices of "rebellious", "disrespectful", "loyalty" keep slapping me around. I know that's the abuse bleeding thru.

We'll get this.

Another typical ploy used by this type of narcissistic bully is to tell you that you are overly sensitive. They turn it completely around---you are the one with the problem---there is nothing wrong with them, & they didn't do anything wrong.

Oftentimes they are condescending to people, talk down to them, to make themselves feel superior.

Aubrie, you & your sister drawing a line in the sand is changing the whole balance of power. Your parents have a choice----they can start treating you with respect, or there will be no relationship.

Sounds like you are off to a good start in taking care of yourself. Good luck.

Sometimes you have to prune a diseased limb off of the family tree.

I'm proud of you and your sister for finding your voices.

You did good Aubrie.

We had to do this with WS parental units.