I was not close to the woman my STBXH has been involved with for years and years, but I did think of her as a friend or at least a friendly acquaintance. We belonged to the same social group. What makes it really hateful is that she made her first real gestures of friendship towards me right at the point that my STBXH got seriously involved with her and more when he finally decided to divorce me to be with her. Clearly, she was making a pretense of friendship just to keep me from being suspicious. That more than anything is what convinced me that she is a heartless, soulless, selfish bitch who cares nothing about whose life she ruins in order to get what she wants. And if that isn't bad enough for you, she was still married to one of my STBXH's best friends when they got involved! My STBXH spent years involved with the wife of one of his best friends, and she carried on with one of her husband's best friends for years before she got around to divorcing him, making it a triple or even quadruple betrayal.
I too have felt the sting of thinking about my STBXH and his adulterous mistress laughing at my gullibility. But I would urge all of you in the same situation not to feel shame over it. Think about this: they are essentially laughing at you for trusting people who are as untrustworthy as they are. That says a whole lot more about what sorts of people they are than it does about you. You trusted because you're trustworthy; they laugh at that because they are dishonest, selfish, and hateful.
I know that for many people, the initial impulse is to try to salvage the marriage, especially when there are children involved. But when I think of cheaters laughing at their betrayed spouses for trusting them, all I see is people who are so heartless and unfeeling that they actually find pleasure and humor in cruelty and in the suffering of others. In my opinion, anyone who can be that vicious doesn't deserve to live among decent people and is incapable of having a decent marriage. It certainly isn't someone I would ever allow to live in the same household as my children.
The thing is, I now have reason to believe that my STBXH has been cheating for most if not all of our marriage and with multiple women and that others were also my friends or friendly acquaintances. I think he had sex with my former best friend. It's hard to explain her peculiar behavior during my divorce any other way. I don't know what numerical value of betrayal I suffered and will probably never know.
I don't want apologies from any of them except my former best friend. If she did have sex with my STBXH, there were reasons that would make it forgivable. I wouldn't believe a word of any apology my STBXH and any other adulterous mistress offered. It would be nothing more than a self-serving attempt to whitewash what they did to me along the lines of: "See how sorry I am? That means I'm really a terrific person and you're a hateful bitch for not forgiving me."
Nope. Not interested in a pretense of an apology. I'd much rather call up her place of employment, church, friends, and family and tell them all in detail how much of a whore she really is.
What can make it really bad for people like us is when we know or strongly suspect that many of our so-called friends knew about the affair(s) and either aided and abetted or covered it up by their silence if nothing else. I have literally been betrayed or at least abandoned by every single person I know who isn't a relative.
I'm terrified that I will never be able to open my heart enough to try to make friends again. I already had trust issues before all this. I don't really care that much about the prospect of never remarrying. I don't have enough good experiences of marriage to want to be married again. But how am I supposed to live if I can't make friends again?
When I think about that, I wish that all those so-called friends who betrayed and/or abandoned me would suffer the kinds of things that happen in all those stupid horror movies my STBXH and his adulterous mistress love. There are many days when I hate my former so-called friends and want to see them suffer even more than my STBXH and his adulterous mistress(es).
The 2xB situation is so incredibly painful because not only are you betrayed, but you are also robbed of a vital part of your normal support system.
You are exactly right, Ascendant. Except that I was robbed of my entire support system except for my family. I was left with NO ONE ELSE.
It has tainted every interaction I have with everyone.
This. So much this.
How do you not hate and distrust the whole world after everyone you've ever known except your family has betrayed and/or abandoned you? Is it even possible to heal after something like that?
At least my family is great. I couldn't ask for a better one. That is the one and only good thing I feel I have going for me.
I will close by saying that I hope not to ever again hear any nonsense about the Bro Code or sisterhood. If you live among people who expect monogamy in marriage, you don't engage in extra-marital sex with anyone if you are a decent person. Period. End of discussion. You should not need to be in a friendship with that person not to derail that person's marriage. You should not have to be the same sex as that person to avoid sex with that person's partner. You should simply be faithful and honest. Even if you aren't married yourself, having sex with someone that you know is married still makes you a selfish, cheating douchebag.