SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To the BS out there: how long did it take you to figure out the affair was a deal breaker?

Well, in my case, he made the decision for me. He unilaterally ended our marriage with no discussion at all. He first came to me out of the clear blue sky and asked for a separation. I asked why, WTH, etc. I asked immediately if he was having an A, of course he wasn't, blah, blah, blah.

He refused to do marriage counseling or anything, so we did in house separation while he looked for a place to live. At that time, I was still hopeful that he'd pull his head out of his ass and realize what he was doing. Six weeks after the "separation" talk, I discovered the A. It was heartbreaking, but validating at the same time as I knew something was going on. I told him he needed to leave and he basically said that was fine, because he had found an apartment and she would be moving in with him shortly. She did.

He then threatened me for two months with filing for D, but never did anything about it. So, I got an attorney and did it myself. Just like I had to take care of everything else in our marriage.

It was always a deal breaker for me because he never made any attempt to fix his problems, he just went underground. I was sticking it out until my youngest graduated from high school until my oldest daughter uncovered his latest A so I couldn't hide it from her (she was the one that told me). I busted him at his whore's house and he left from there. Crept back to the house that night while I was at a school parent meeting to grab a few personal items and left. Moved 4000 miles away about a week later. I started the legal paperwork immediately so my original plan to exit when youngest graduated got moved up about two years. His actions determined my decision long ago, with the last D-Day only confirming what I already decided.

I knew from Day 1 but raged against it. I didn't want it to be. I could never look at him the same way again. I would never trust him implicitly again. I found it hard to live with myself for even considering giving him a second chance. I hated myself for it.

I raged against it being a deal breaker all through a 3m False R. I didn't completely accept it until a few months after Final S. Boy, was that painful.

These days I see his total lack of remorse as a gift. It forced my hand - I had no other choice unless I wanted to tolerate my husband having affairs. Having no other choice freed me well before I had the strength and courage to free myself.

I'm with SBB. I think deep down I knew it early on. But I forged ahead anyway. There really was no trust left and I guess my gut was right. Because she broke NC and I packed my shit and left. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. But I think everyone person has a breaking point. Some can put up with shit longer than others. But there comes a time when you just know. And when you do, don't second guess yourself. Just move along because its not fair to anyone involved.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 2:51 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

For me, it was when we were going through a family tragedy, and I found he had started cheating again! At that moment, I knew he would never be there for me, that for him...it would always be HIS needs, his wants first.

When I found out he was back in contact with AP 6 months into our "R".

Done. I walked away and never looked back.

When even after kicking him out and his affair damn near instantly died (she ran for the hills), there was still not an ounce of remorse for what he had done. Clearly the affair was just the tip of the iceburg of what was really going on and it quickly became clear that he isn't mentally healthy enough to do anything that would be necessary to get past the damage that was done. Hell, it would have been a struggle just to get to the point where he accepted that what he did was wrong and that is a battle that I wasn't willing to take on.

I appreciate all the responses. What i was really looking for was a literal when. That is, how long after DDay. WW and i are at 14 months. And like allot of us, we have terrifically awesome days, weeks. And horrible days. Sometimes i just want to say.fuck it. Others, i couldn't be more sure of or success.

About 6 months of false R with his behavior getting worse. One night he never returned home without a call and the next morning I filed. He is NPD and I was codependent and scared out of my wits. But I did it!! I won my freedom.

15 months. I needed time. I needed the shock and pain to settle. I wanted to get myself to a place that I could make decisions driven by my head, not my heart or his manipulations.

When I found out he was trolling for sex with an old girlfriend despite being "happier than he's ever been".

Sorry--I just saw your update. Seven months.

3-1/2 years after Dday.

I couldn't get unangry. I stayed angry and cried all the time and couldn't think straight about anything. I finally decided to get serious counseling starting May 2013. By the end of June I knew his A was a dealbreaker and was all along. I gave him 3 more years of my life to fix himself...he wouldn't do it no matter what I said, did or threatened. So....

Filed D July 1, 2013

In-house separation July - end of September.

Divorced 9/25/13

Moved out 10/7/13

I knew in my gut on dday that the marriage was over, not so much because the affairs were a deal breaker but I knew he would never have any remorse.

We separated for 5 mo then he came back for three. What a disaster never went no contact. Finally he walked out one morning without a word and got on a plane back to Thailand. He never wanted to try again but I wouldn't have anyway.

I was about 6 or 7 months into a combination of false reconciliation and working the 180. I was talking more and more with my friends about their experience of marriage and realizing that my marriage was normal. We both had problems. We needed to work on those problems, but nothing was out of the norm.

I had friends and family getting angry for me and helping me realize that I had to start focusing more on myself and my children. My wife had to start making very significant progress, otherwise it was time to end my suffering. It felt like the situation I was in was emotionally abusive. I could no longer be a willing participant.

Due to other life circumstances, there was a lull during which neither of us had to think about or address the ongoing affair much for several weeks. After that time, she made a series of choices that made it clear that she hadn't made any progress in her thinking or feeling during that time. She was in complete avoidance mode, and I could tolerate it no longer. By that point, I was waiting for a clear and unambiguous incident to use as instigation for the final request that she leave. I asked her to leave one morning when I knew she had stayed at the OM's house. I remember typing up the text and then staring at it for a while before hitting send. I could not longer tolerate her benefitting from the life that I provide while carrying on an active affair right in front of me.

On last D-Day I knew the legal process of D had to begin...

I knew it was his time to go after almost 6 months of in house separation and him pretty much flaunting the A in my face. He just stopped even remotely trying to hide it.

DD was April and he moved out in September.

There was never any offer of R.

There was only talk about, "he didn't know what was going to happen, we could get back together but just not now."

After DD 1, I vascillated back and forth. I didn't know what I wanted...no scratch that. I wanted the A to never have happened.

DD 1 he didn't want to end his A, he just agreed not to disrespect me anymore in my home. Said he wouldn't have anything to do with her until he went back to Afghanistan. He went and bought a secret phone. I knew the day he bought it and the day he activated it, 6 days later.

After about a week and a half, I had enough of waiting for him to pull his head out of his fourth point of contact. I confronted him and told him to get out.

An hour later, he came back, gave me the phone and we destroyed it together.

He went back to Afghanistan. About 2/3 weeks later, he sent me an email he clearly meant to send to her. He gave some ridiculous lie about how it wasn't meant for her.

I made an appointment, had to wait about 3 weeks because my lawyer was in high demand. Once I saw her, I filed for legal separation. But truthfully, I was hoping he would come home and he would give me true R.

He came back from Afghanistan Aug 21 and was still proclaiming he was leaving me because I couldn't just leave well enough alone and get over it. Spouted off several times how I was holding him to me and woudln't free him. I just smiled and listened to him. The next day, he woke up and started packing. I had to stall him so he would still be there when the process server would be there (7:00 a.m.).

He was served and he left within an hour.

I still hoped he would give me true R.

A few days later, I found out he moved her to our state and in his apartment.

THAT was when I had no more doubts.

He did me a huge faovr. Now, I'm healing, and he is a f&@kwit! (Thanks SBB, I first learned that term from you!)

edited for typos and clarity.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:36 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

I'm with SBB. I think deep down I knew it early on. But I forged ahead anyway.

+1 for this. I knew as soon as it happened but couldn't face it. Took me 2 years including 1 year of false R to pull my own head out of my ass and file. Best decision I ever made and I haven't looked back since.