SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found this site earlier this week and have been lurking....I have been in my relationship for 6 years, married for just over 3 years. About a year and a half ago we were doing fertility treatments and one of H bloodwork came back with an STD. Knowing I have never cheated, I was immediately heartbroken, he denied it for the first hour and then admitted and swore it was just one time and oral only and that it would never happen again. I want to believe him I just don't know if I can get to that place, for the first year I think I've been living in a fog, life went on after the first two weeks of me screaming and yelling and crying it was just like nothing happened. Now its creeping up for the last 6 months, I can't have sex with H without mental pictures and I mean we are fine for everyday life but I want intimacy and I don't know how to get there.

Sweetsteps,

First, welcome to SI. I am sorry you need to be here, but it is a good place. If you have been lurking the last week, hopefully you have become aware of the healing library. It is very helpful.

Have you and your H been through individual counseling (IC) or marriage counseling (MC)? If the A is not appropriately addressed you will not heal and the issues cannot be resolved. Pretending it didn't happen isn't going to help either of you. I am sure it stays on your mind, but how is your H helping you heal?

The emotions are pretty overwhelming and it can take a long time to recover from betrayal. Unfortunately, you have no idea if it really was the "one" time or not. That is where IC and MC can be very helpful.

Right now, take care of yourself. Read the library and post often. As you read and learn, you will learn about transparency, no contact, etc.

Have you been tested then?

Welcome to SI, sweetsteps.

Take a look through our Healing Library (link in the yellow box on the upper left corner of this page)

It is filled with information passed down from those who came before us. The "one time only" response is more often than not a lie, and you need to protect yourself until he's ready to come completely clean.

I agree that if you haven't already you should get tested. Also, counseling to suss out what is going on with your H is a really good idea.

Keep posting and let us know what's going on.

Sending hugs.

Yes I was tested at the time...I came back clean and since H has been treated he came back clean on test #2 (I think it was clamydia...honestly the first couple days when this all came into light was is a bit of blur but pretty sure it was that cause it was like a pill the health unit gives you and it goes away)

As for counselling I started doing email counselling through my work EAP program but quite frankly I don't think its helping much. I can't afford to pay a counsellor nor am I willing to spend my hard earned cash on something that isn't my problem. I'm just a guess still really angry, I didn't do anything wrong here so why should I be the one that has to suffer....its not fair.

How is it that I went for almost a year and a half without really thinking about things, obviously our sex life has been barely there or non existent but everyday life was normal. But now I am consumed with thoughts...I thought this should be getting easier...not harder.

And how will I ever know it was just one time and it was just oral? How am I supposed to believe that? I want to believe it it would make it so much more simplier if it was. Honestly I just feel like I want a genie in a bottle and my one wish is a truth serum for an hour....thats all I need 1 hour and know my answers are being answered 100% honestly.

Healing is not a straight line as you're finding out...sometimes, when you feel like you're regressing, it's possibly because you didn't fully process the 'anger (or whatever) phase'. Maybe you didn't allow yourself to feel it fully because you didn't want to be an angry person - or be seen as an angry person (or in denial, bargaining, depressed, etc.)

I say be who you are, feel what you feel - give yourself permission to be it all - embrace it. Experience it. Drink it dry.

One day it will occur (to your surprise) that you haven't been angry in awhile. And it helps to take expectations off yourself: 'Shouldn't I be over this by now?' etc.

Truth serum.

One idea would be to call several polygraph places, & research typical questions - get to know about the process.

Costs, yes...maybe save for it?

Once you have some confidence in knowing how a typical session would likely play out, tell him - "We're going to a polygraph and you're going to take one."

His reaction will tell you everything I think...

I can't afford to pay a counsellor nor am I willing to spend my hard earned cash on something that isn't my problem

I understand what you're saying but this is your problem, too. You're suffering from post infidelity stress syndrome. You need help to process what you've learned, and how to get through this. He is probably happy to forget all about it. You're not. You both need to learn how to get through this, and counselling can help. Counselling will help with communication and intimacy if you're both willing to tackle it. He can't do it alone, you can't do it alone although some individual counselling would probably be advisable before doing joint counselling.

I'm sorry you've been put into this situation.