Hello Everyone,
I'm new here today, and very sorry but grateful to be here - Thankgsgiving Day. I'm thankful that my H and son have chosen to go cross country to see his elderly mother for the holiday because I can't bear to look at my H right now.
Last week, while 15-y.o. son and I were researching an English assignment on the family computer, there on the screen flashes a porn thumbnail in google. A year and a half ago a similar thing kept happening so I took it to the shop and they "de-bug" it. H said it's viruses causing the popups. Odd, though, because I've had my laptop seven years and never had a porn popup on it. But because I'm married to the most upstanding guy in the world, it never occurs to me that he's looking at porn on the family computer. Idiot! Fast forward a year and a half and here we are again. I consult with my H and say, if it's you I make no judgements, but I want to be sure it's YOU, and not the kids looking at online porn. Our conversation was so clichéd it was nauseating. Me: I don't even know who you are. Him: it was a one-time thing, I was looking for intimacy, and oh yes by the way that debacle a year and a half ago of the porn on the computer was my doing. I let him know I'm no prude but this feels to me like infidelity. (I lied about "no judgements.")
I know porn use by a spouse is a much-debated subject we could discuss forever, but I insisted he put himself in my shoes for a minute and tell me how he'd feel if the situation were reversed. He did say 'sad and angry.' Okay, he gets it, no more is said on the subject. I let him know I'm hurt but I can get over it. The on-line porn use doesn't bother me as much as the lying.
However, my gut is starting to tell me something's off. This is what happens when there's a betrayal. You start looking at the past to see if your memory jives with facts. So a few days ago I looked in the browser history and find a few more sites. He's a PhD engineer but clueless how to cover his online activity. He keeps Adult Friend Finder in his favorites bar! Since he's out of town this week I've spent countless hours combing his hard drive (thank you internet and youtube for showing me how because I am a technophobe) for anything and everything that looks porn related. I find a dozen different generic porn sites but far more troubling - dating hook-up sites. There's one account dating back to 2003! This site currently defaults to a street map of our city with girl's pix superimposed on them at various locations. Every one of these hook-up sites is global in nature, and lo and behold I've kept the family calendars for the last decade. I go back and look at the times he's been out of town and find that almost every time he uses the online dating sites - like adult friend finder, justbang, fuckbook.net ("THE place for discreet extramarital affairs"), okcupid, truecheater,com, getiton - it always corresponds to when he is preparing to leave town. He travels the world for his job, and was checking the dating sites prior to travel to Norway, Canada, Great Britain, and at least four U.S. cities. I suspect if I were an IT person I'd find plenty more, I just don't know every where to look.
So, suspicion is not proof. Is he just looking or really hooking up locally and globally? My problem is, I do not believe in coincidence. I just don't. On the other hand, my husband is the LAST guy on earth I'd believe capable of cheating. But I'd never pegged him for a porn user either. He used to say he thought it was gross. Well now I know he's a liar so there's that.
A few other red flags flying around in my head - A couple of weeks ago I just happened to be out around the time he comes home from work and saw him approaching the neighborhood from the opposite direction than he normally would come from the office. When I asked where he was coming from he told me I was mistaken, he was on his usual route home. No, I definitely was NOT mistaken. Is he gaslighting me? He frequently travels for work, always calls regularly. Two weeks ago, while traveling abroad, he neglected to tell me who he had dinner with that night. He ALWAYS throws out the names of his traveling colleagues in our calls. This time I had to ask - who'd you have dinner with? He says, a colleague. This is a first. I say, which one? He gives me a woman's name and then immediately launches into a 10-minute dissertation on her CV, as if I care, or am even listening at this point. Why the hell is he giving me her credentials??? Out of character.
I hate living the life of a snoop, but I would give anything to have access to his cell phone. But it's company issued and password protected so there's no way I can see what's on it.
From what little I've read in the past week on this and similar sites, the advice seems to be to not let on what you know or how you got the information. I'm taking this to heart, keeping a little journal, putting the pieces together. But, how do I translate this into proof? The not knowing if he's hooking up is killing me. I am SICK to my stomach. Can't eat, sleep, concentrate long enough to read a single sentence of a newspaper. This is all-consuming.
There is no doubt in my mind that if I get definitive proof of a single physical encounter we'll D. I just couldn't live with a cheater. When trust leaves the M, I can't imagine getting it back. Maybe if it was a one-time thing I'd give it a try, but his "friend finder" account goes back ten years. Whatever happens in the long run, I'll get through it. But I am sick to my core to think about my son, who adores his father even now, as a teenager. He recently wrote an essay for school on his role model - he chose to write about his dad: brilliant engineer, boy scout leader, never misses church, volunteers at every opportunity, etc. etc. Pillar of the community.
Unbelievably, after H and I had our heart-to-heart talk one week ago about how I'm hurt by the porn use and he assures me he's done with it, his browser shows that two days after that he logged onto another hook-up site. I can only presume it's in anticipation of a business trip he's taking next week to another U.S. city.
I am completely numb right now. I feel like I'm standing in quicksand.
Anyone have any suggestion on how to move forward? 5 minutes at a time? I know I'm going to have to be patient now (not my strong suit) waiting to see what transpires next, but my gut knows what it knows.
Thanks for listening.
Sideblinded.
