SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I did for a year and it backfired terribly. We are now seperated.

Anyone else? Sometimes, I wish he just messed up once or with one woman, but read my tag. And, there's more. I just found out more a couple days ago.

If he could have told me the truth, maybe I could forgive. But, he hasn't. His IC tells him the "details" don't matter and to not answer my questions.

IMO, I have the right to know the truth. But, sadly, after a year of R-ing. He still won't give it to me...

I gave it a try thinking I owe it to the kid. I'll stick with it if it works, and I'm happy.

If there was no kid, I would be gone.

[This message edited by LetMeRollIt at 6:24 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

That's that he SAYS his IC tells him

Don't think it's all necessarily for the kids. But if we didn't have any my DDay would have gone differently. I would have gone to a hotel and who knows what would have happened. I couldn't do that because I'm a SAHM. I do know wanting to save my family is a motivator. But I also love him and can't imagine doing this with someone else. He says the same.

Hopefully its just more of a motivator vs. a reason, if that makes sense?

IMO, I have the right to know the truth.

Concur. Being honest is a great example for the kids.

Doing it for the kids : No

But I would say I am thinking about them and my reactions wouldn't be the same if we had no kids. Maybe she would had sleep on the couch longer.

I'm totally doing this for the kids, and he knows it. If I didn't have kids with him I would have not begged him to stay and not leave me for her. But I probably wouldn't have made it the 6 months of the affair I knew about though either.

I am totally doing this for my kids!!! Or at least trying to

I would be gone if it were not for my daughter. I don't want her to grow up in a broken home. Not to mention being a single mom will be freaking hard. I do understand a broken home is better than a dysfunctional one. She will be 2 in February. We have been trying to R for a year and I'm feeling pressure to get a divorce while she is still a baby and won't remember much. From what I read though these things take time so I don't want to rush it. I'm really torn on what to do next. WS just stated his first voluntary IC this week. I'm really over it at this point with his lack of remorse and rugsweeping but I don't want to rock the boat during the holidays either. I have also felt like I wish I could catch him slipping so my decision would be clear. Either that or he made it obvious he was a changed man. This middle of the road bs really makes a decision difficult. I'm not sure which board I'm supposed to post in anymore. R, D, or general?

Yes, partially. At least why I am trying to R. If i found it out on my own, he'd be so gone. Even with his tearfilled confession, if we didn't have the girls... He would be gone. Honestly... If not for the kids, we'd have split after his EA. If we had made it that far... for our anniversary last year, he bought two puzzle piece keychains, and mine said, "thank you for 6 years of putting up with my shit". He wasn't whistling a bit of fucking dixie.

He's different now. Like, 180. But it's only been a month... It's hard to trust this new and improved WH, after 11 years of being his last priority.

His IC tells him the "details" don't matter and to not answer my questions.

Is his IC trained in infidelity? I suspect not. But I also wonder how you know this is what the IC is telling your husband. I would caution you from labeling this a fact if your source is your husband.......

We have two young daughters. They are absolutely a part of this equation. However, they are not the only motivation to learn to R....and the motivation they are looks like this.....

Learning to R is benefiting me as a person...I am growing and discovering new things about me. I am engaging in R with my wife to see if we can have a healthy M together AND to model behavior that I believe could benefit our daughters too. I am intent on showing them through our actions how two mature adults resolve conflict and grow past it. This approach is brand new to my wife and I. Pre-A we almost NEVER fought. Yeah, we see that fact for the red flag it is. Neither of us saw our respective parents successfully do what we are attempting to do. Our M was one based more on what NOT to do then what to do. Our M was more based on what we DIDNT want then what we DID want.

How healthy would that be to give our kids this gift?

If I had chosen D immediately upon my DD....I see no other gift to our kids then the same crappy one our parents gave us. They would have no better chance then I did. We have an opportunity to do better because we know better. I am not saying we are Yoda-wise. We just know how WE turned out coming from a D family, from parents who were not able to accomplish what we are now trying to do.....to work on a broken M to a successful conclusion. And you cant get any more broken then the destruction that adultery is.

But, if we didn't have kids I am not sure I would have chosen R. Hard to say for sure because this whole experience has called into question just how I would react to life-altering trauma.

It is ironic that BS wrestle so intently with how our actions will affect our kids and our families....and these same considerations were so noticeably absent in the minds of a WS engaged in adultery. In my sitch, my wife and her AP have 7 kids between them (oh yeah, and two spouses too). The pain and turmoil of their affair absolutely did not play any sort of role in their decision making process. In my case both of them would drop kids off at the same school....then meet up to nurture their affair. Kiss kids good bye, then within an hour kiss (and more) an adult NOT their spouse. In my sitch, their respective kids were topics of conversation between them.....so its not like they forgot they were married and had kids! Wedding rings never came off........I digress.

At one point my wife admitted to hurting me and putting our marriage at risk....but proudly said she would never do anything to hurt her daughters.

IMO, I have the right to know the truth. But, sadly, after a year of R-ing. He still won't give it to me...

Radical honesty....that, I believe, is a very big piece of this puzzle. Adultery is the polar opposite of radical honesty. Sin only exist in the absence of honesty....it can not stand in the light of truth.

This is why your husbands IC is.....odd.

I know about short term behavioral therapy....where a therapist works on modifying behavior without much back story or introspection. But in the case of adultery....the sin must be completely exposed to be killed. His IC is doing a disservice to him and your M. Adultery is a fruit off a vine that was planted years before the actual act occurred. Adultery is not a singular bad decision, it is a result of how a person copes with life. These coping mechanisms, like most, dates back to the formative years...ages 9-17.

I suspect your husband, like most WS, would LOVE this type of approach...it fits so nicely into their comfort zone. The whole....yeah, I made a mistake, but its not that bad, no need to examine it closely, lets just move on.....approach is a pretty easy throw back to how they operated inside their affair, and could be close to how they operated in their M pre-A. It is in my case.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:12 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

I listen to Dr. Laura on the radio...just about a month now so I am not sold on her approach completely. But her recurring message to BS is basically this.

So you spread your legs for the wrong man. You choose to have unprotected sex with the wrong woman. You married them and had kids with them. YOU MARRIED THEM AND HAD KIDS WITH THEM! You made your decision, now you are stuck with this person until your youngest kid is 18. Until they are 18 you are to stick it out with your spouse because you made the decision to marry and have kids with them.

She does say that if the abuse continues you are to protect yourself and your kids. But after that threat subsides...you have a responsibility to be the parent you choose to be when you decided to have kids.

Pretty strong stance.

Like I said....I am not sure if Dr. Laura is in it JUST for ratings and shock value like some other radio personalities...but she is consistent in this message.

She doesn't tip toe around the character flaws that enable a person to commit adultery. She does speak to the possibility that a person can move away from the tendencies that allowed adultery to be an option for coping with life...but is very frank that it takes a lot of hard work and dedication. Two traits that are very weak in a WS....so she is pretty sober about the success rates. She kind of bucks the other literature I read about how successful a M can be after adultery is invited into it.

Again, I am only 1 month listener to her show. If others are more familiar with her work please chime in. I admit I could be summarizing her stance on adultery and kids incorrectly. I feel it is pretty darn close but, like everything associated with adultery, the details matter.

Peace be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:15 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

He's different now. Like, 180. But it's only been a month... It's hard to trust this new and improved WH, after 11 years of being his last priority.

I could have written this myself. He is completely different right now, but it hasn't been that long. 13 years of "flirting", fishing, pursuing, creeping, etc. is not easily overlooked for 6 weeks of model behavior. While it is noticed and appreciated, I am cautious.

Guilty...at least at first. The kids were all I cared about, even above my own personal best interests. My oldest even wanted/wants us to divorce, and live with me. She doesn't like her mother's drinking.

4-5 months from dday now, she doesn't drink as much, and is becoming a better person, wanting our marriage to work. No longer in the fog. She has many FOO issues, much to work on.

If it came to D, I'm pretty sure I could win the custody battle, and was prepared, but I felt R, if possible, was best for the family. We were in limbo for a while, I was trying to do what I thought was best for the kids, at one point during a fight, I told her I was ready for a divorce because of the way she continued acting (the A was over, but still in fog and alcohol).

Funny, when I told her I was ready for D and was serious about it, that seemed to be what motivated her to want to change. I was truly ready to leave and told her so. We still have a lot to work on, but things are definitely better now.

We have not given our kids the best example of what a marriage should be. I am ashamed of that. Hopefully a true and successful R will give the kids a sense of hope about it.

But, make no mistake, I am more than capable of raising the kids on my own, and she knows it.

For the time being I am here for the kids. DD10 is fearful we will D. I am doing my best to just deal with this. I do not know what the future holds but I want them to know I at least tried. If we did not have children WH would have come home to find me gone. No muss no fuss...just gone.

The kids are the biggest reason I chose to attempt R. I saw how hurt my 11 y/o son was when WH moved out, it literally broke what was left of my heart at that point.

WH is not the same man I married, he has done a complete 180 and has never given up trying to be a better person.

If there were no kids, I would not be with him, sad but true

There is a big difference between Reconciliation and Staying Married.

I'm leaving. I filed for D after catching WH in A #1. Later, found out he had #2 and #3 going as well. And other situations over the years. The main reason - for my kids. My situation may be different than yours bc my youngest are about to turn 18. We won't have to deal with custody, child support etc. They will go where they want, and fortunately they want to be with me. WH doesn't want them, except once a week for a steak dinner. So, we all agree they'll stay with me when they're home from college breaks. I think, even if kids were younger, I would do the same. It's scary as hell to be on my own, but also kind of exciting! I won't have much money, but I'll have my self-respect and my dignity. I can save what I can, instead of WH spending our savings on OW. I think this is the best example I can give to my kids. i don't badmouth their Dad to them, but they're old enough to see him for what he is. I need to be strong, and show my kids that they deserve respect also. I don't want to be an example that they can be independent. They should never stay with someone who cheats on them, disrespects them and lies to them. I deserve better and so do my kids. I'm leaving the cheater and i'm doing it for them!

True. If i was just "staying married for the kids" i wouldn't care what he does.

oops, I meant "I want to be an example that they can be independent."

I want to preface this by saying that it is very jaded by my own childhood experiences.

I'm staying with my H because I believe in our relationship. I believe it is worth working on and that we will both do what is necessary to build a strong marriage. I divorced my first H for hurts much less than infidelity. He was always angry. We fought (verbally) a lot. Our house was always tense. I loved him and believed we could work on our relationship. I did not want my daughter to grow up with divorced parents. He showed me that he was not willing to do the work on himself necessary to heal and create a loving, happy, safe atmosphere in our home. I divorced him. He is remarried and has the same problems in his new marriage that we had. When I found out about my current H's infidelity, I had my daughter, a son and a baby on the way. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I chose to leave, they could still have happy, healthy lives. My decision to stay with my H was based on HIS responses and subsequent actions. I knew at my core that he would do the work necessary to create a happy, loving, safe home. I would never stay in relationship that was anything less and use stability for my kids as justification for that. Kids know when something is off. They also learn what a marriage should be from seeing yours. I never want my kids to believe that they have to settle for less than what they deserve. I don't want to teach them that you have to trade true happiness or self-respect or anything else for marriage. Kids are intuitive, and even if you think your pain/doubt/discontent are completely in secret, your child will recognize that something is not right. Even when you co-parent well, your children will recognize the lack of intimacy in your relationship. They will learn that being married means giving up yourself for a happy facade. At least, that's what I learned, and I refuse to stay in a marriage where that is the lesson I am teaching my children.

I know it is hard liberty, but I commend you for standing up for yourself and your right to know the truth and be respected in your relationship. The lesson you are teaching your children by doing that is a great one indeed.