His IC tells him the "details" don't matter and to not answer my questions.
Is his IC trained in infidelity? I suspect not. But I also wonder how you know this is what the IC is telling your husband. I would caution you from labeling this a fact if your source is your husband.......
We have two young daughters. They are absolutely a part of this equation. However, they are not the only motivation to learn to R....and the motivation they are looks like this.....
Learning to R is benefiting me as a person...I am growing and discovering new things about me. I am engaging in R with my wife to see if we can have a healthy M together AND to model behavior that I believe could benefit our daughters too. I am intent on showing them through our actions how two mature adults resolve conflict and grow past it. This approach is brand new to my wife and I. Pre-A we almost NEVER fought. Yeah, we see that fact for the red flag it is. Neither of us saw our respective parents successfully do what we are attempting to do. Our M was one based more on what NOT to do then what to do. Our M was more based on what we DIDNT want then what we DID want.
How healthy would that be to give our kids this gift?
If I had chosen D immediately upon my DD....I see no other gift to our kids then the same crappy one our parents gave us. They would have no better chance then I did. We have an opportunity to do better because we know better. I am not saying we are Yoda-wise. We just know how WE turned out coming from a D family, from parents who were not able to accomplish what we are now trying to do.....to work on a broken M to a successful conclusion. And you cant get any more broken then the destruction that adultery is.
But, if we didn't have kids I am not sure I would have chosen R. Hard to say for sure because this whole experience has called into question just how I would react to life-altering trauma.
It is ironic that BS wrestle so intently with how our actions will affect our kids and our families....and these same considerations were so noticeably absent in the minds of a WS engaged in adultery. In my sitch, my wife and her AP have 7 kids between them (oh yeah, and two spouses too). The pain and turmoil of their affair absolutely did not play any sort of role in their decision making process. In my case both of them would drop kids off at the same school....then meet up to nurture their affair. Kiss kids good bye, then within an hour kiss (and more) an adult NOT their spouse. In my sitch, their respective kids were topics of conversation between them.....so its not like they forgot they were married and had kids! Wedding rings never came off........I digress.
At one point my wife admitted to hurting me and putting our marriage at risk....but proudly said she would never do anything to hurt her daughters.
IMO, I have the right to know the truth. But, sadly, after a year of R-ing. He still won't give it to me...
Radical honesty....that, I believe, is a very big piece of this puzzle. Adultery is the polar opposite of radical honesty. Sin only exist in the absence of honesty....it can not stand in the light of truth.
This is why your husbands IC is.....odd.
I know about short term behavioral therapy....where a therapist works on modifying behavior without much back story or introspection. But in the case of adultery....the sin must be completely exposed to be killed. His IC is doing a disservice to him and your M. Adultery is a fruit off a vine that was planted years before the actual act occurred. Adultery is not a singular bad decision, it is a result of how a person copes with life. These coping mechanisms, like most, dates back to the formative years...ages 9-17.
I suspect your husband, like most WS, would LOVE this type of approach...it fits so nicely into their comfort zone. The whole....yeah, I made a mistake, but its not that bad, no need to examine it closely, lets just move on.....approach is a pretty easy throw back to how they operated inside their affair, and could be close to how they operated in their M pre-A. It is in my case.
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:12 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]