SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Felco - Please please please listen to me.

YOU need to figure out how to be happy with you. Without depending on others to provide you peace, comfort, relief. That is up to you.

Why do I say this? Because your wife hasn't even completely moved out and this is about the 3rd time you mention dating. Because if you don't figure out that your happiness has to come from you, you are going to get sucked back into another unhealthy relationship where you are willing to put up with way more than you should.

Your fear of being alone is palpable. If you are not in IC get in IC and figure out why you feel this need for companionship. Friends, and family can help fill the need for support, and love. You truly need to figure out how to stand alone.

(((((and strength))))

I hear what you all are saying about the dating thing. I am not going to move into anything it's just keeping my mind from obsessing over all this.

I came to a place of acceptance of her Twin Flames feelings and now I am focusing on all the other BS.

It's still hard everyday because it just does not make sense. But I am movi g on. She is still projecting her anger/ feelings at me when I don't respond the way she wants but I am not going to be her door mat or confidont. She wants me to help her and be here for her. Nope. She can figure it out.bi am sleeping better but still wake up in disbelief and sad.

Just venting.

Seconding meet-up groups. I just went to one this week, a mix of men and women. Was it nice to feel that possibly some of those men might be interested in me? Sure, but I was only there in order to get out, meet people, have fun--strictly platonic. Set up boundaries for yourself that focus only on contact that will be healing and healthy. Don't try to put a band-aid on what's happening by looking for romantic companionship. It will only set you back. The only way out is through Felco!

Felco, I get it and I know what you mean. one of the things I did early on was to call up my buds for a guys night out. The planned activity was a couple of hours at Top Golf, then the rest of the night at a pool hall. All guys but one are married. I forget my ring at home. We ended up going to a bar with live music since both options were packed with people. Little did we know there was a ton of single ladies there at this bar with one large group present for high school reunion. All of us guys huddled together drinking beer trying to figure out plan "C", when all of a sudden I'm getting pulled to the dance floor by one lady after another, I think five different ones in total. Two of them wanted to take me home that night, one of them was 6 ft tall blonde with a model figure and was celebrating her 50th. I passed on both and kindly introduced them to my single friend. The model went home with my single friend.

Yes, it was a HUGE confidence boost after I got home that night. I knew that I still "got it". The thing was, I was the designated driver that night but if I was not I would have been going home with the model. I'm glad I didn't because I didn't want to have to justify that behavior to my future 2nd wife.

Stay away from dating situations and pick up places for the time being and find non-pressured social events. Just don't go to these things expecting to start up a romance. Just try being comfortable with yourself first in social situations and build from there.

Also the danger is finding someone new who may be just like your WW because we have a tendency to fall for someone comfortable that may mirror our own WS and not recognize that is the reason for the attraction. You don't want to make the same mistake twice. You've had enough twin flame fvck-ups to deal with.

Felco,

I started reading this thread from the beginning and honestly I more or less gave up…

I think one of the main reasons we respond in such strange manners to infidelity is the simple fact we aren’t ready for it. So try this exercise:

Imagine your wife was someone that came up to you and punched you in the face. Then she says “I’m not going to punch you again”. Then she punches you in the face. Then she says “Sorry. Won’t happen again”. Then she punches you. The she says “Sorry, but I just can’t avoid punching you, even if I don’t want to hurt you”. Then she punches you.

How many repeats does it take before you realize that MAYBE it would be a good idea to keep your face out of her reach?

You can’t control her fists. But you can control where you park your face.

Felco: What do you need to want to remain married to this woman? What does she need to do so you think the marriage can be saved? Define those factors, outline them in a clear and concise way, make sure she knows the requirements… and then carry on moving out of the marriage until and unless she agrees in a very clear and concise to your demands and shows with her actions that she´s in with the plan.

To use a comparison I often grab: Imagine your house is on fire. You would never try to negotiate with the flames or make concessions. You wouldn’t feel safe in the living room because the fire is only in the bedroom at the moment. You wouldn’t hesitate calling the fire brigade because you fear their boots will damage the hardwood flooring. You wouldn’t call a contractor to evaluate the damage before you got your family out of danger… I venture that you would focus on killing the flames and THEN and only THEN evaluate the cost and your next steps. This is where your marriage is right now. It’s burning. And the flames keep on telling you they mean no harm…

Kill the fire, end the infidelity. If that leads to your marriage being over… Well… as long as you surrivie along with those that wanted out of the flames… then you can rebuild.

Finally Felco: Her “eternal flame” talk… That points to a desire for fantasy. You deal with fantasy with reality. Her small promises and then breaking of them… these are all ploys to maintain the drama and the fantasy. Just stick to reality. Just stick to keeping your face as far from her fists as possible.

^^^^^^^^^^^ This, this this!!!!!!

Bigger - You are awesome.

Felco, go reread his post, and really really think about what he has said.

That is all.

I totally agree with your words Bigger. I am in the best place mentally since Dday. I have accepted the fact that she has those feelings for him. I am letting her go and this helps me move on. Yes, I still have feelings but I know now that its not healthy and not dwell on them. I am trying to keep my distance and set the boundries. I am moving forward with the divorce and just navigating that process.

Today has been 10 weeks since Dday and in reflection I know I did all I could and I am proud of myself for following my heart and not reacting. Yes, I made "mistakes" but thats all in the process.

I really do thank each and everyone of you for your kindness, honesty, and 2x4's. I am a sensitive man and I will embrace that but will not be a doormat again!

Felco,

Of course you made mistakes. You are human and you have endured an unimaginable pain (although we on SI don't have to imagine it because we have all gone through it )

It is normal to want to fix the marriage especially when we are told by the one whom we have trusted and loved the most that it was our fault.

It takes several months of knife attacks from the WS for us to get the message. Only then do we start to step out of the way and scars begin to form. Bigger is 100% right.

It is a painful process and we all had to expereince it before we could see the path we HAD to take.

Well done. The scars will be with you forever. They may heal and not hurt to the touch, one day. But they will always be there and they will constantly remind you.

Anytime I am near her she wants to talk. This am is about property division. She is all business, no emotions.

Then get a lawyer and settle business. Make sure your WW understands you will be reporting your change in marital status to the authorities. Go back and read what Cayc posted about the legalities of your WW's citizenship.

Like Bigger posted, it's time for her to get a dose of reality. Even online dating isn't distracting you because you're still engaging emotionally. When you manage to look at her with fewer and fewer emotions, then the healing will begin.

I read the lists on what makes a twin flame. It reads like a combination of wayward excuses and justification for going back into mentally abusive relationships. The more of a struggle it is, the more it's real. so holding on is just convincing her it's true. Of course, so is the xOM staying with his BW, but I imagine only cheating her with stalking or something would cure that.

Lesson hard learned...anytime you read something here and your immediate response is "I know but..." Odds are the "but" is just an excuse that needs to be eliminated.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 1:55 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

Isis is correct. My IC told my wife to "remove "but" from any discussion of her A. The use of "but" negates every word said previous so just start after the but." Her jaw dropped when she realized exactly what she was saying.

Good Morning everyone!!

Today is 11 weeks since DDAy.

I am finally getting some real sleep. The obsessive thoughts have slowed down and I actually go some time without thinking about "it".

WW is starting to stay at her place now so that totally helps and by this weekend she should be completely out!!

I do have to admit the online dating has really helped keep my mind occupied. I have not go out on any dates and I have been truthful if asked any questions. I posted that I am looking for a companion.

I still wonder how someone can be so in "love" to someone when he has completely shut her out and told her point blank that he does not love her and to move on.

WW still says that it was not over between us and that she was not seeking an affair. If it was a "regular" affair she would have been done with him and wanting to reconcile. She is following her intuition. She continues to say that I am the one ending the marriage because I filed for divorce!! I said you left me with no real options. Her reply is, we can cohabitate! I reply, you are telling me you have deep unconditional LOVE for another man and if heleft his wife and family you would be with him and I am suppose to live with you and play house but there will be no romance or intimacy. That sounds GREAT!! Again, I can't make sense out of nonsense.

I feel like things are moving really fast.

Filed for divorce, house up for sale, she is moving out, working out all the issues with separation, etc.

I know I am doing that right thing but I do question if it is too much at one time??

I know I am doing that right thing but I do question if it is too much at one time??

No, not too much.

More like "It's about time!"

She continues to say that I am the one ending the marriage because I filed for divorce!! I said you left me with no real options. Her reply is, we can cohabitate!

Wow. I've seen people not wanting to own up to being a cake eating cheating POS, but this takes the cake. So you should hang out with her, be her husband, and hope that OM doesn't get a divorce because you'd be out on your ass in a second.

What a dumb bitch. Sorry - but what a dumb bitch. I wish I could follow her, and see her miserable life in a year, when she finally gets that OM doesn't give a shit about her, and you've moved on, and she's just a pathetic, used-to-be lovestruck moron.

Sorry - I know she's the mother of your children, but seriously, what a dumb, selfish bitch.

Hello Felco:

I just read your thread for the first time in its entirety and I must say that I'm very sorry for what happened to you. I have read Brian Weiss's books and understand quite a bit about his theory of past life regression. Since your wife mentions the "twin flame" thing so often, it might be helpful for you to understand it a bit more. I believe she is misconstruing what regression therapy involves.

Here are the basics: A psychiatrist name Dr Brian Weiss had a patient in his office for treatment of severe anxiety. This patient was resistant to most forms of treatment, and so Weiss decided to try hypnosis. During one of his hypnosis sessions Weiss finds out that the woman knows details about Ancient Egyptian history and methods of body preservation. In addition, Weiss found out that the woman knew how to fluently speak languages that were never taught to her (latin, etc). The woman was in her 20's and had no formal college education, so it puzzled Weiss. With each subsequent hyponosis session Weiss brought up this woman's past lives and tried to find the root of her anxiety. After several dozen hypnosis sessions Weiss concluded that this poor woman was reincarnated several dozen times and her recurring anxiety was rooted in one of her past lives when she tragically drowned. Throughout her reincarnations, Weiss found a recurring theme: that people tend to be reincarnated along with their loved ones. In Weiss's patient's case she was repeatedly reincarnated with various manifestations of her father and Stuart (a guy she was having an Affair with). In reincarnation theory it is common belief that groups of people tend to reborn with their friends/mates from past lives. Weiss then made big bucks for himself as a 'regression therapist' and helping people discover what happened in their past lives.

So in your WW's eyes, she is destined to be reincarnated with this OM regardless of his scorn for her now. For some reason she believes OM was in one of her past lives. Although reincarnation is a foreign concept to most people of judeo-christian beliefs, in Asia it is fairly well accepted. If you want to read more, buy a copy of Weiss's book: Many Lives, Many Masters. Its a short book and you can finish reading it in a few hours.

So now here are my questions for you:

1) How is it that your WW believes this OM was her twin-flame? Has she ever undergone hyponosis or regression therapy? This is a very specialized branch of psychotherapy so its not too common

2) Does your wife ever talk of spiritual beliefs in reincarnation or karma?

3) If you REALLY want to push things I might suggest that you offer a hypnosis session for her with a well respected regression therapy expert. Insist that you go to these sessions and hear for yourself about her past lives. Tape the sessions if you can. Perhaps the hypotherapist will confirm that that your WW is crazy and that this loser is not her twin flame. If she hasn't undergone formal hypotherapy before, then the chances of her concluding that this guy is a twin flame is utter and complete bull-shyte and based on pure conjecture.

4) Your wife seriously sounds a bit psychotic at this point. She appears to have some very strange delusions and beliefs. Has she ever been checked for a psychiatric disorder? Does she show any signs of bipolar disorder or schizophrenia? She may have some early stage psychiatric condition. Does she make any paranoid statements or have any hallucinations? If so you might insist she see a psychiatrist as part of the divorce process.

In defense of Dr. Weiss, while he believes in reincarnation, he does not espouse the twin flame garbage. That's just a clever wayward justification. Weiss believes that while we may reincarnate among people we've "known" before, they do not play the same roles in our lives across lifetimes.

So, this star-crossed twin flame <gag> Iovers-across-eternity is just made-up bullshit.

I can't find anything that references Weiss and this Twin Flame theory.

I don't think the two are related, although I'm highly interested to see if they are in fact co-mingled.

If it was a "regular" affair she would have been done with him and wanting to reconcile.

Yea, 'cause her affair was "special." That's what they all think...

I can't find anything that references Weiss and this Twin Flame theory.

Google his book Only Love is Real - A story of soulmates reunited. I haven't read it, so I'm not sure if it's quite the same thing as Twin Flame theory.

I completely lost it yesterday. I am feeling very overwhelmed. House is up for sale, she moved out, things are just happening so fast.

I did all the things that I should have not done.

I cried for the first time in last 2 months, thus acted weak.

I groveled, begged, pleaded, questioned, etc.

I basically let it all out. Her feelings are the same.

"He is my Twin Flame and he has the key to my heart. I cannot give you what you want and I am not in love with you. I do not have those feelings for you.

Sorry, I can't work it out or try. It will not change things, I know it won't."

I know that she has told me in every way that she is done. I have a hard time with the TF thing abd when she says it was not you, it was for a reason and the affair was not an accident.

So, I am picking my heart and dignity up and accepting this shit.

One step forward