SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OK..well..... i'll just tell you, over the last year the ONLY BH's that I can remember that have had a remorseful WW are the ones that were so outraged by the behavior that they either immediately initiated divorce proceedings or threw their wives out.

all the ones that tried to plead (I'll try harder, I promise, don't leave me, pleeeeease), love, convince, their spouses, ultimately had their women leave them. The wives simply had no respect for them.

it's almost like a power thing.

If you kick her ass out, expose her, refuse to talk to her because she's a piece of shit, tell everyone what she did so that she has to sit alone in an apartment facing her actions, maybe look for a new job, she may start to actually realize how bad she screwed up. She may start to want you back.

but.... do you WANT her? I mean, really? Think this through friend.

do you actually want her after what she did? The world is full of people who don't pull that kind of shit.

best of luck. I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

Oh and thanks for the reassurance on therapy. Today, I learned I am going to be participating in EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and prepossessing).

Twice a week for a bit, and then I will dial it back when I can start become my own man again. I am not typing this for myself, but here is a message for an ego-driven man people...

I have always thought I was important. And I am. But I don't need anyone here to tell me that. If you've made it this far down in my terrible story, and you still aren't happy with yourself. Make your own thread. You're a wonderful person, and you matter.

YOU MATTER.

your poor thing!! I know your pain, it feels like it will kill you. It will come damn close and leave you scarred forever. She is saying with her actions and words that she doesn't want to stay together..you have no kids this is a blessing. Four months after the wedding! well for sure it has been going on for awhile. I say walk away and don't look back. Easier said than done iknow!

but.... do you WANT her? I mean, really? Think this through friend.

do you actually want her after what she did? The world is full of people who don't pull that kind of shit.

No I don't. But thank you for summing it up.

I hope you know Can you start your wife infidelity has nothing to do with you. You do not deserve this. She's got major issues The probably stem back from her childhood. I totally agree with Mike7. Do not beg or plead for her to come back. That is the worst thing you can do. She will lose even more respect for you. And you that is not very attractive. Remember stay strong don't take anybody shit.

You definitely need to get this information to the OM wife. Just like someone posted earlier he'll run back to his wife wanting to work his marriage out. The fact you need to bring this affair out into the light. I really do think you should send this information to her superiors at her work. Do not protect this affair by keeping quiet. Good luck buddy keep posting

well hang in there. it will get better. you will survive. take care of yourself. work out, eat, and drink water. a lot of us had the betrayed spouse diet where we lost weight.

take care. I have found that it helps to post here.

I am seeing every single reply as they come in, and I cannot express how much I am glad I found this site. It was first about the venting, but at this point, it was about the responsiveness.

Because when you take the time (like many have done) to pour your soul into the "just found out" forum. You just stare at it. I don't feel alone right now. Thank you all.

I have individual responses to each and every person who took the time to read my stupid story. Thank you . That's what I learned in therapy today. I actually matter. I haven't felt like that in years. Thank you.

Feel your pain so much and just want to add my support. There are so many horrible stories, people who have done nothing but be loyal and devoted to partners who just do not deserve them.

I also agree with outing OM to his wife but be prepared you may not get the response you expect from her. The other BS in my situation said I was trying to ruin his life - I still have no regrets for telling him though - she is his problem!

Sending you strength & hugs to help you through this terrible time.

Brother I'm sorry you find yourself here. Your story is a very sad and traumatic one. This whole thing has the makings of a real life PTSD situation. I would suggest to you that you stash away any copies of evidence you have in a secure place away from your home. I'd further recommend that you do not keep any of them readily available for your viewing. You have already been exposed to the filth and its been burned into your memory. But like most of us who have been there you will be tempted to look at it over and over. Back when I JFO video chatting and alike were not as common as they are today. But written chat and e-mail were the rage at that time. In my case my XWW OM had a fetish. He liked to masturbate to sexually explicit written text about actual and fantasy based sexual activities between him and my XWW. During a time of legal woes that was falsely inflicted on me by XWW and OM, my attorney had a forensic scan done of my home PC's hard drive. It was there that thousands of these e-mails and chats were discovered. Also discovered was proof of my innocence of the mentioned legal woe I had. After using this evidence to have my legal case dismissed my attorney sent me copies of everything to use in my upcoming D. I also made a few copies to forward to all concerned parties. But for some strange reason I kept reading them over and over. I have to tell you I almost went insane doing this. I rage and emotional abuse I endured was unbelievable. All because I kept that evidence handy. It actually brought me to a point of severe depression and I had some rather serious thoughts of what I wanted to do to her and the OM. I eventually found this site and took the advice given to me and saw a therapist. She suggested I lock those papers away. I did just that and I am suggesting to you to do the same.

Its very difficult navigating life when dealing with the aftermath of infidelity. One can not make informed decisions while under emotional duress. You are going to need all your mental facilities in the upcoming weeks and months. So do yourself a favor and get those videos away from where you can access them on a whim. Its only going to bring you to a point of insanity if you keep viewing them. With all of that said, I want you to also abstain from thoughts of R until your in a proper state of mind to make an informed decision. All too often we BS in our fragile state of mind jump to the conclusion that R is something we want to do. Its a natural thing as we want to reclaim what we feel is ours. But it might not be the best decision for us in the long haul. I'd also like to caution you that while you have been exposed to a shit load of decadence so far there is a great possibility that the whole story is still unknown. Your WW behavior and her rush to exit your life is indicative of a person who is trying to minimize the damage here. This implies to me that you have only scratched the surface of a lifestyle she has been hiding from you. There is a very good chance that this has been an ongoing situation in her life. Its often said that the spouse is always the last to know. And I find that statement to be very true. So before you rush to a decision get the facts bro. Its great that you want to contact the OM spouse. And I highly recommend that you do just that. For me I made an undeniable package of proof and evidence and sent it registered mail where only the addressee could sign for it. That worked for me an OM threw my XWW under the proverbial bus. As my XWW was a subordinate of the OM I also sent the exact same package to their employer. He was subsequently fired as this was not his first foray into the employee pool. I also sent a copy to his church pastor as he portrayed himself to be the stand up married man and father who coached the church sponsored little league. I did this because in the conversations between OM and XWW he bragged of also pilfering the married mothers of the kids he coached.

I know this a lot to absorb right now. But your best strategy is to take a hard line here. Gather as much of the truth as you can. Don't think you will ever get 100% of it as I feel that's impossible. But 80-90 percent is enough to know the exact gist of it all. Make yourself a priority now. You are going to suffer and suffer a great deal. This will affect not only your marital life, but your life as a whole. This includes interactions with friends and family and most importantly your career. I strongly suggest you inform your employer of what's going on as your work will suffer. And in my case I almost lost my job due to my state of mind. Once I informed my employer of what was going on they gave me a leave of absence for a month to get my shit together. In that month I really worked hard in therapy. I also got myself on some medication that helped tremendously. So don't discount that avenue either. Keep a keen eye on yourself, physical and mental maladies are very common after discovery. Consider any and all medical suggestions by professionals. Be very cognizant of self medicating as well. Its real easy turning to the bottle or other substances during these times. This is going to get worse before it gets better. The trick is to try and be as aware and informed as humanly possible. Make decisions based on fact rather then emotion. You will get there just like he rest of us. Keep posting and reading the healing library. Much information and advice is there. Hang in there dude, we are here when you need us.

^^^^ Everything that Stronger says

So true.

You were only married four months and this was happening? Was it happening your whole marriage???

You did not cause this by not wanting to move. Sorry, but your wife has deep seated psychological issues to be doing this in such a young marriage. She is most definitely not the woman she presents to you and the world. Her true persona is the one you saw in the emails and video. The sooner you come to accept that, the sooner you will start to heal.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sucks. Please don't make it worse by letting yourself believe that she is something she isn't, or that she will become the woman you THOUGHT you had. She won't. And she knows that, that's why she came to you in a moment of uncharacteristic honesty and said she had to leave. But even then she lied and blameshifted and laid it at your feet when she said it was because YOU wouldn't be able to forgive and that someday YOU would hate her. That's bullshit. In her heart she knows that the woman in the video and the ads and the swinging activities is the woman she really is.

If you don't get away from her, when she calms down and can "think" clearly again, without the stress of having to figure out how much you know so she can tailor her lies, she will come back. She will try to convince you that she can change and be the woman you want. Please, don't let that happen.

Usually, I am all for reconciliation. Not this time. You need to run as fast and as far away from this one as possible.

"I know you still love and have feelings for her but I can speak from painful experience that those feelings are for someone you thought existed but doesn't."

I agree with Allatsea. I'm really sorry for all your pain. It's good you found this site. I'm sure you want to believe your WW really loves you and is just going through a tough time, she didn't mean it, etc. I'm sorry, but she continued to contact OM even when your marriage was on the rocks. They filmed themselves having sex! I'm concerned for you. Your WW doesn't seem remorseful, and has even told you she wants to leave. Let her go and move on with your life. You seem like a kind, caring person. don't you think you deserve better than this?

Yes, please please make sure his BS knows about the affair and the sex tape. My XWH and his OW were caught by her BS about 3.5 years ago. He agreed not to tell me if they would stop. OW just got a secret phone and they continued. I had a right to know when the other spouse found out. I lived through 3.5 more years of lies and betrayals because of all 3 of them.

Dude...so sorry about this.

There is an acronym you will see posted here from time to time.

KISA - Knight in shining Armor

You are in full KISA mode. You sound like someone that so wants to save her from herself. YOU CAN'T. I know you want to try but that will only bring you soul crushing pain. Think of her as a drug addict. Have you ever heard of anyone wanting someone to stop using enough to make them stop? I don't think I've ever heard of it happening. Ever.

There is a reason for it. The person doing drugs likes it more than anything else. Your WW likes the lifestyle you didn't know about more than she likes being married. You being a better guy isn't going to change that.

I am the first guy that will tell you to reconcile. I am a big proponent of that. But... you don't have kids. RUN!!!!!!!!!

I would send her a text and tell her to let you know where she is so she can be served with divorce papers.

She may have "hidden" who she was through your time together but what you are seeing is her. She isn't going to change. I believe that's the reason she doesn't want to reconcile. She knows that's who she is and isn't going to change for you.

Cut your losses...

Oh yea, I would ABSOLUTELY out the OM to his wife. I struggled with this for so long in my situation. I didn't want to cause her pain. She was so grateful I told her.

Also, I would use the video as a bargaining chip to get what I wanted in the divorce. I am sure they would hate for their company to find out.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 10:02 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

LTLH - Sorry about your situation. You have been receiving excellent advice already, so I won't even try.

I just wanted to chime about Damaged71's comment.

Also, I would use the video as a bargaining chip to get what I wanted in the divorce. I am sure they would hate for their company to find out.

I am sure that Damaged71 offered it with the best of intentions, but I wanted to caution you about the possibility of exposing yourself to a charge of extortion. Please talk to whoever ends up becoming your lawyer about this.

Also, start wearing a VAR whenever you interact with her.

Good luck to you!

[This message edited by frankier at 10:26 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

Frankier is right, extortion is wrong and I didn't quite mean it that way.

I would be tragic to "lose" in a divorce when you weren't at fault at all.

Wow. I am SO sorry. Words are not enough.

First, you sound like you're in a bit of shock "over the cheating" - probably not really. Probably in the bargaining stage of grief - I will overlook the cheating if she will just come back.

She's telling you who she is - SHE is not willing to do the work. SHE is not willing to "risk" that you might hate her one day (SHE is protecting herself). SHE is a horrible person.

There is nothing about you in there except that you deserve better which is honestly the only true thing that I see coming out of her mouth.

I think its time to 180 her, see a lawyer, get a separate bank account and take 50% of whats in the joint, and act as if you are going to get divorced.

She MAY wake up and change but unfortunately, right now, it does not seem like she will.

What Stronger says.......Goes

This place would be 50% less effective (for me) if Bigger,Stronger & Buffalo decide its time to move on.

Those 3 helped so much even though they did not directly address me....just by reading their responses over the years.

Also note that there is a board on I CAN RELATE that is for Betrayed Men......its epic in helping cope and talk through things.

With that being said.....Im praying for you man. I remember my first 6 months.....well...some of it. Its a world of pain and hurt....but you WILL get through it....just know that. Take care of yourself.....eat right....trying to get sleep. Maintain your job credibility (that almost got me fired)....everything is effected by this....but...you will get through.

[This message edited by Long Gone at 11:10 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

When you talk to your lawyer, ask about an annulment. Given that you've only been married 4 months, if you can do that, then you both walk away with what you came into the marriage with. She will have no spousal financial claim on you whatsoever.

Please do remember that her NOT making a decision, is a decision. It's a decision to not try. And I know that thinking back at that marriage with all of your friend there, all of the emotions that you thought were true at the time, is just paralyzing horrible. Remember, you didn't cause this, it's not your fault, and you cannot change anyone but yourself. This secret, her infidelity, is not your secret to keep. You do not owe her silence. If you separate and divorce, you do owe your friends and family the truth, when they ask what happened. You certainly don't have to go into graphic details. A simple statement that you believe fidelity in a marriage is a del-breaker is enough.

Please also call your doctor and schedule a full STD/HIV panel of tests, along with the follow-up testing. Unfortunately, when your WW slept with the OM, she also slept with every person that he slept with. And if she was at a swingers club, now she has put you in the position of sleeping with every fricking person that anyone that touched her, slept with. You need to do this ASAP.

I'm so very sorry. Please do come back often for support. We are all here for you.

Thanks everyone. She texted me back this morning, and said that in her heart, she feels she will hurt me again someday. She's probably right.

She then called me, and we were on the phone for a little over an hour. I yelled at her like I have never yelled at anyone in my life. It's all kind of fuzzy really. I don't remember details, but I remember being satisfied. My thoughts are so crazy right now, I have a hard time finding the right words. This morning, I found them.

As for the DVD, I actually don't know where it is now. It's not at home, and not at work. She couldn't have taken it, she didn't know it existed. That I am a little worried about. I don't want to ruin her for the rest of her life.

I also tried to call the other man's wife during the day today. Was calling on their house line. I don't know her first name, so I didn't leave a message. Sounds weird to just say "Hey guy's wife. Call me. It's important." It's also VM, so he may check it anyways.

I have their home address. I could write her a letter, but again, I don't know her first name. Do I address it to Mrs. their last name? I considered trying to see if her name was listed on their mortgage or anything. Like checking the central appraisal district website.