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Strange, did your lawyer also talk to you about the steps you would have to take if for some reason you decide not to continue to be legally responsible for the child? Another member went through this (alexA I think) and he had only a certain amount of time after finding out his son was not his to go before the court and be removed from all responsibilities for the child, which he did end up doing even though he chose to stay with his wife at the time (I believe he did eventually leave her because of her lack of remorse). I believe he found out when his son was 2 years old that he was not his father, rather from the get-go as you are. If I remember correctly he was in New York so not sure what California laws are like in this situation.

It wouldn't hurt to know your options concerning this, especially if there is a time limit from when you find out for sure whose baby this is.

[This message edited by cissi at 2:24 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]

Strange, did your lawyer also talk to you about the steps you would have to take if for some reason you decide not to continue to be legally responsible for the child?

Damn, I didn't really ask this question. I was more focused on what the OM rights and legal authority might be. Worth a follow up call. Thanks!

Another option to explore is to see if OM will just go fuck off. That might be the best option if you two plan on staying together.

Another option to explore is to see if OM will just go fuck off. That might be the best option if you two plan on staying together.

I agree...but at least right now he seems very serious about sticking around. :( I'd happily raise that kid as my own if he just disappeared and if my WW was prepared to make that commitment.

I mentioned my daughter and her boyfriend have a little baby boy, 8 months old now. They are no longer a couple (never married) and he comes here to our house a couple times a week on average to see the baby. He stays the entire day and sometimes spends the night. I often wonder how he would be if he knew for a fact that there was no chance that he and my daughter would be getting back together, how much he would be involved with the baby. I know he loves him but 75% of the time that he is here the baby is sleeping. Why does he sit around and stay here? To be with my daughter.

I wonder if the OM in your situation is not yet accepting that he is not going to be with your wife. If he is saying he wants to be involved with the baby so he can be around your wife, or have some kind of contact. If your wife becomes truly remorseful and he realizes there is never going to be that chance for him, I think you may see a big difference in how he interacts with the child. Just like my daughter's boyfriend - I think he would eventually fade away.

I'd happily raise that kid as my own if he just disappeared and if my WW was prepared to make that commitment.

Praying your WW gets her head out of her arse and realize how hard that is what it means that you're willing to do that.

Praying your WW gets her head out of her arse and realize how hard that is what it means that you're willing to do that.

Ditto that.

Strange, did your lawyer also talk to you about the steps you would have to take if for some reason you decide not to continue to be legally responsible for the child?

Please do find out about this.

Strange, did your lawyer also talk to you about the steps you would have to take if for some reason you decide not to continue to be legally responsible for the child?

IF you stay with your wife over the time that makes you legally responsible after this child is born and IF the child is the OM's, child support is calculated on a sliding scale. The most money goes to your oldest child, then the second child gets a lesser amount, the third, less yet.

This is why in the reverse situation (male WS and female BS with an OC) we recommend the BS to file for divorce and for child support for the existing children of the marriage, even IF they intend to stay together. This way, the children of the marriage are awarded the majority of the child support.

If I were you, I would consider telling OM he gets zero rights until you say he does. If he is ambivalent about the responsibility like you suggest, he might not have the drive or sense to pursue this legally.

Then find out from your lawyer how much time you have to change your mind in terms of paternity. You have quite a bit of power in this scenario that you can utilize.

If you are following the school of thought that says you should make the marriage a nice place to be, you gotta also make the affair hard.

Strange,

What has your WW been doing lately for you or the marriage?

Any changes? And please try to be as objective as possible. Hope and desire are difficult emotions to distance yourself from.

What has your WW been doing lately for you or the marriage?

Honestly, not much other than ending the PA. :(

Honestly, not much other than ending the PA. :(

Sorry to here that, friend. But, if nothing else, she is telling you what she currently wants by her actions(or should I say, inactions).

Just keep positioning yourself. Keep yourself open to the others' suggestions and advice.

You are going to be okay, one way or the other. Just keep on gathering your strength, and keeping your options open...whichever path that you will need to take.

I'm not confident you will take this advice but I thought I remembered a poster going through something similar so...

What happens if you stay married to your wife, you play father to OMs child for say a year. Then you find out she is still cheating with OM. At that point you file for divorce and the court may look at it that for a year of this child's life you have supported financially and emotionally even knowing the baby is not yours, now you could have to pay support for a baby that is not yours and your wife is with OM.

If you take on paternity of this child, make sure you understand you will pay support if down the road you get divorced.

I am reading this thread for the first time and just wanted to send you light.

This is one of those big, messy life situations with so many moving parts and lifelong consequences. In reading, I observed your shifting and working through a process that started with that initial shock. I see you trying to do and be better, which is such a challenge as a BS.

I think we find our truth and make the best decisions we can on any given day based on who we are and the information we have at the time.

I believe you are a thoughtful and compassionate man who will make the best choices for yourself, your children and your family.

So legally it sounds like the burden of proof of paternity lies with the OM. Is that correct? He would have to challenge paternity (and assume all it entails, including child support) in order to have a legal position in the child's life, should it be his. Is this correct, based on your consult.

The burden is on the OM to prove paternity. That wouldn't be difficult to do as long as my WW cooperates with the request, which she almost certainly would. If she changes her mind (highly unlikely) then he will probably run into a brick wall. Once paternity is determined to the satisfaction of the state then he could be granted visitation, which I would grant him without a court order anyway. He is prepared to pay child support (he went through the state calculator) without a court order. Although I'd like the certainty of a court order, getting one would mean state recognition of him as the bio-dad. That's probably going to happen based on OM's and WW's stated wishes. My preference, though, it that it never happens and he goes away. Pipe dream.

Then, in my opinion, your path is clear. I would determine paternity and give your WW a choice should it be his: NC. 100%. She does not divulge this information to him (and you will need to set an enormous consequence if she does). If the child is really important to him, he can challenge paternity and assume the burden of the same.

Before you tell me this is not fair, step back. This puts the choice of parenting squarely in his court. If parenting is important to him, he can file. You are letting him choose.

It looks like the only way he can be recongnized as the bio-dad is to challenge paternity. Even if we all attested to that fact the burden is still on him to initiate the proceeding. WW would almost certainly consent to the DNA testing. Without that consent I think his motion withers on the vine. You're right, though - he should not play a role in the child's life unless he takes the steps necessary to establish paternity. He can't have all the benefits without the responsibility.

Of course this all depends on if your WW wants the marriage and is willing to do what it takes, including those. If she is not, prepare for a cluster-f*ck.

That's the big question. Right now I'd say we are heading for divorce (her choice). We might also be heading for divorce (my choice). Divorce is actually much simpler legally and logistically. The only thing that will be clusterf*cked will be my broken heart. I'm terrified of the very notion of OM becoming my kids' step-dad. Terrified and sickened.

If the child is yours, then it is much more simple: your WW needs to choose. The OM is permanently and completely out of the paternity picture. Of course, if she chooses him, it does muddy the waters, but since so many affairs (more than 90%) fizzle and do not turn into long term relationships, the odds are in your favor that after a while, you will no longer need to deal with him.

Completely agree! I pointed out all the obvious factors. That they really don't know each other well. That I can't compete with a thrilling and clandestine lunchtime affair. That she's never had to get mad at him after our son's diaper leaked because OM didn't make it tight enough. Etc. Fantasy trumps reality when one is not thinking clearly. Maybe I'm not the man for her but that doesn't mean that he is. I gave her that 90% stat (is that accurate, btw?) and she shot back, "Well, 50% of marriages fail, too." I was like, ummmmmmm, I'm not sure you understand statistics.

What transpired at MC?

I told her all of the above (reality vs. fantasy). I told her that I won't be a convenient and comfortable dishwashing and diaper changing placeholder while she does everything she can to find a way to make it work with this OM whom she has stated isn't quite ready for the responsibility. I told her that she needs to respect me while I am in this limbo. This means no resumption of the PA (which has not been renewed) and an end to any flirtation that might be going on. WW denied that flirtation was happening but of course I have my doubts.

My questions for next week include: Are you trying to determine which is preferable. . .a life with your sons but w/o the OM or a life with the OM but with only 50% of time with your sons? Because that's the choice she is facing. Of course, I know that she could actually have 100% custody of ALL of her kids by staying with me but I don't want to dangle that as a carrot. For multiple personal and legal reasons.

FYI, I would not divulge anything about the attorney visit or what you learned. Not now, and not for some time. You must (although it is hard) treat your WW as the adversary she is. She is not on your side.

Agreed.

What happens if you stay married to your wife, you play father to OMs child for say a year. Then you find out she is still cheating with OM. At that point you file for divorce and the court may look at it that for a year of this child's life you have supported financially and emotionally even knowing the baby is not yours, now you could have to pay support for a baby that is not yours and your wife is with OM.

If you take on paternity of this child, make sure you understand you will pay support if down the road you get divorced.

I know. There is a certain length of time after which I could be held liable for child support in the event of a divorce. Part of me doesn't give a f*ck about the money but I know that's just my angry and emotional side speaking.Part of me says shame on them if they accept a single dime for that kid. Who knows. I'll get all the facts I need but I won't let them get in the way of reconciliation if I feel that a true reconciliation is possible.

Thanks, Rainbows. . .you're the best. Someday I'll go back and read through my mess of a roller coaster in this thread and see how classically clinical my different stages have been. At the moment I'm just trying to keep myself together.

With regards to OM playing stepdad to your kids, it could happen. What is most likely to happen is that the relationship does not last. That is exactly what happened with my ex and his OW. They discovered they were not quite the prizes they made themselves out to be. You see, an affair is like a three legged stool. It balances rather nicely. Take one of the legs out of the picture and it is a whole different ball game.

What is very bothersome to me in your situation is that your WW is doing nothing yet reaping all the benefits of marriage. Many of us BSs wish we had been a lot harder on our WSs when it came to the kinds of behaviors we needed to see to show their commitment to the marriage.

Since she is unwilling to remove herself from the affair, even with the PA suspended for the time being, maybe the best course of action is to take the leg that is YOU off the stool.

Thoughts?

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 2:29 PM, February 16th (Sunday)]

Since she is unwilling to remove herself from the affair, even with the PA suspended for the time being, maybe the best course of action is to take the leg that is YOU off the stool.

I hear you, Cat. Makes sense but it's just so difficult to do. With her not thinking clearly anyway she probably won't even notice the instability. She didn't notice it before when she thought SHE had removed me as the third leg.

Double post

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 4:50 PM, February 16th (Sunday)]