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adding, (((HUGS))) to you, this is new and you are being thrown into the deep end without knowing how to swim. KUDDOS to you for not totally flipping out. You have kept your head and your dignity.

You have a lot to decide. I hope that our advice is helping and not making your head spin.

You can and will thrive following this. You will be ok. You will not feel that just punched in the gut feeling forever.

Not to be harsh but I think you are in denial about the reality of this whole situation. Are you going to babysit OC and your children while your wife is out dating the OM? How far are you willing to let them walk all over you, because that's how far they will.

I hope you can get good advice and will follow it and protect your children because this no matter what spin you put on it is not healthy for them.

What's your wife saying to you at this point? Can you detach from her for a little while, at least to give you some clarity? I found that once I left, which I was very scared to do, I found that even without all the other terrible things he had done, I didn't even like his personality. Even when he was normal, not raging not cheating I didn't like him. Not saying that's what will happen to you but I think backing off a little, especially after talking to the lawyer, may really help you. Good luck tomorrow, write down your questions so you don't forget something.

I wish you a very productive meeting with the attorney tomorrow. It helps to write down your questions.

Are you in IC? Unless and until your WW commits 150% to your marriage and healing the damage she has caused, MC is ineffective. You need someone who is concentrating on you and what is best for you and how these potential decisions affect you.

Good luck tomorrow. I hope you get what you need.

Cat

I'm sorry for your pain. Your attitude toward this is admirable but I fear you are setting yourself up for more hurt. You are dealing with two devious people who have no remorse - guilt perhaps - but not remorse and they will not hesitate to deceive you further. Please, don't let them.

Are you going to babysit OC and your children while your wife is out dating the OM?

No. And for the record, I will not watch them have monkey bar sex while I bottle feed the kid, nor will I valet the Audi (which I will go into debt to buy them as a congratulations present) outside the fancy French restaurant where I reserved and paid for the chef's table.

Any more ridiculous questions?

Wow- this thread has generated a lot of emotion. I would just like to stick to the facts that stand out for me.

1. Your WW was obviously still foggy when she admitted her A -as she was hoping it would end your M and she was already trying to get pregnant by the OM too.

The fact she now sees the OM is not mature enough to be a full time dad to their and your children shows she is starting to realise the A was based in fantasy land.

2. We see here so often that the WS admits the A and then they are expected to immediately have no feelings for their AP? Your WW is still in the place where she is seeing the reality of their A more now BUT she still has feelings for the AP... these are probably being compounded by the fact she is (may be) pregnant by him.

This is something that may or may not cloud your future... will she look upon him as the father of their child only or will the emotional romance still linger on and will she also view him as a potential love interest? Only time will tell on this one actually.

3. She COULD have lied to you about knowing it might be his and/or she could have lied to you throughout by saying she thought it was yours- obviously, once the child was born then the truth would out but she at least admitted the truth to you from the off so I commend her for this.

4. For all intents and purposes THIS was not what she envisaged happening- she said she thought the M was over and that you would be S and heading for D right now so the fact you ans she are contemplating a life together is because of one of 2 things:

She realised the OM would not be able to support yours and their kid so she stayed with you in the hopes you would allow the child to be born

OR

She sees something in you that she is still drawn to and THAT is something that can be worked on.

IF you both go into MC and IC with your eyes open and you both put the hard work in there is no reason why the spark cannot be reignited and your M can get back on track.

5. The OM wants to see his child and be recognised as the baby's father- He has every right to do so.

Can you act as the go between more than your WW?

In the years to come you could make this work BUT how would you feel if, say, (I am playing devil's advocate...please bear with me) OM buys OC a HUGE Christmas present that you say the child can't play wit until after dinner and the OC says, "But MY Daddy says I CAN!"

But- he has a right to see his child if the outcome is that the child is his.

(As an aside- I KNOW he shouldn't have been having sex with her in the first place but that is by the by now- he did and she is pregnant... and he is not scuttling off and leaving STF to pick up the financial and moral responsibility!)

Can you agree ground rules that will stay in place for ever?

6. Hopefully, your children will just see OC as their sibling- end of! They will have to deal with the aftermath years ahead of this but, if you deal with this right from the off, there is no reason why they cannot accept their 'different' family.

(I am not advocating adultery as a way of bringing children into the world but, hell, if you guys stay together you HAVE to make this work for all of the family)

7. You say adoption and abortion are not an option and I really think other posters need to back off on this point. This is your life and you have both agreed this point so we need to stop throwing these option into the pot as though they are something you need to seriously consider.

I do think you need to look at your situation from a point of complete clarity but I admire what you are trying to do. I really do admire you- you sound like a good guy and I can see why your WW is confused about what to do as your qualities mark you out as a strong character not a wimp!

My advice to you?

Get your ducks lined up just in case.

Watch your wife to see if she is working on remorse and if she is gradually understanding that she has right, royally, f****ed up- and if she is putting in the work to try to make it up to you? Then work on the M.

Has anyone read the book From Rape to Restoration?

If you want a stranger than fiction read then go buy the book- A woman gets raped> keeps the baby> her H accepts that INNOCENT child as his own!

I know the story is different but guess what?

This is a unique story here too... and STF wants to keep his M together- who are we to judge?

I am not saying anybody here is right or wrong- what I am trying to do is support a guy who is in the middle of so much f***ed up-ed-ness his head must surely fall off!!

What I want to say is you have admirable qualities- as long as you are not being hoodwinked or letting your WW dictate the pace of your M- then I hope you get through this and I hope yours is a story with a happy ending.

Your wife and the OM did you wrong and they should be punished for that but.... the fact you are willing to forgive and try to make this awful situation work in some way? I take my hat off to you.

Thinking of you today...I know it will be especially hard (as if all the rest isn't!), and am sorry for your pain.

Good luck today Strange. May you find strength, to ask for the love, and respect you more than deserve.

I appreciate the well wishes. Today is going to be rough. While I'm meeting with the attorney my WW will be receiving flowers at her office. I don't expect that to change anything but at least the OM will see them. Then we have MC in the early afternoon. I have some questions for her regarding respect that might blow the whole thing up.

She told me last night that she didn't get ANYONE something for Valentine's Day. We never cared much for the day anyway but it still kinda sucks.

Sending you MOJO today SAF....

Thinking of you today SAF

Why would you send flowers when she hasn't committed to the marriage?

You cannot out-nice someone back into the relationship, and this is NOT a contest between you and the OM.

If you don't respect yourself, why should she respect you?

Flowers to her tell her you aren't going anywhere, which invites her to continue to stall.

I realize today is a very stressful day and you are just trying to do the right things. But the more messages you send to her that her behavior isn't meriting any consequences, the more you are teaching her to disrespect you and your marriage.

You deserve a partner who is 150% committed to you and the relationship.

You deserve a partner who will not disrespect your relationship with inappropriate relationships with others.

You deserve a partner who shows you via actions that they are committed and have your back.

You deserve a partner who will communicate with you and commit to working through problems and issues together.

Good luck today. And stop and think before you send more "your behavior has no consequences" messages.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 11:43 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

Good luck today, SAF. You're in my thoughts.

Praying for you. I hope you got some good solid info from the attorney

SAF

She told me last night that she didn't get ANYONE something for Valentine's Day. We never cared much for the day anyway but it still kinda sucks.

Don't you think your wife has given you enough surprises for a lifetime?

And when she passes the "anyone" comment I hope you stop her and make her realize how "f'd up" that sounds from a wide to her husband.

Draw her out of he fog any way you can.

HM

She told me last night that she didn't get ANYONE something for Valentine's Day. We never cared much for the day anyway but it still kinda sucks.

And when she passes the "anyone" comment I hope you stop her and make her realize how "f'd up" that sounds from a wife to her husband.

I'm not giving her much credit here. I think the point was basically to say, "Don't worry, I didn't get the OM anything." I was going to ask her if she did, anyway, so I'm glad she brought it up herself. When she is pregnant with the OM's child the issue of a Valentine's Day card seems so trivial. Still F'd up, though.

Attorney synopsis:

1. My WW has done an awful thing.

2. A divorce would be legally very simple.

3. There are no grounds for anything other than full joint legal and physical custody of our two sons.

4. Staying together as she and I have explored is legally quite complicated. There is no way the state will recognize the OM as anything more than "bio-dad" if the child is born within our marriage. As soon as my WW answers "yes" to the question "Are you married?" the OM's legal standing becomes almost non-existent. The social security clerk won't even ask who the father is if the answer is "yes". A court will not mandate any kind of joint custody but might set up visitation. This is good in the sense that if in two years from now my WW decided that the OM is being poisonous in any way it would be pretty easy to shut him out other than possibly visitation. My WW and I would have pretty much full legal authority to make decisions regarding our sons as well as this "child of the marriage" (as the state sees it...but obviously not a child of the marriage in any other sense).

5. I wouldn't say I feel better or worse for having seen the lawyer. I was oddly detached and clinical throughout the meeting. It's good to have the facts, though. I'm pretty sure my WW and the OM would flip out if they understood the legal barriers I described above and I have no incentive to clue them in just yet. I don't think my WW has seen an attorney.

Then we have MC in the early afternoon. I have some questions for her regarding respect that might blow the whole thing up.

It's really good that you talked to the attorney. How did the MC session go?

So legally it sounds like the burden of proof of paternity lies with the OM. Is that correct? He would have to challenge paternity (and assume all it entails, including child support) in order to have a legal position in the child's life, should it be his. Is this correct, based on your consult.

Then, in my opinion, your path is clear. I would determine paternity and give your WW a choice should it be his: NC. 100%. She does not divulge this information to him (and you will need to set an enormous consequence if she does). If the child is really important to him, he can challenge paternity and assume the burden of the same.

Before you tell me this is not fair, step back. This puts the choice of parenting squarely in his court. If parenting is important to him, he can file. You are letting him choose.

Of course this all depends on if your WW wants the marriage and is willing to do what it takes, including those. If she is not, prepare for a cluster-f*ck.

If the child is yours, then it is much more simple: your WW needs to choose. The OM is permanently and completely out of the paternity picture. Of course, if she chooses him, it does muddy the waters, but since so many affairs (more than 90%) fizzle and do not turn into long term relationships, the odds are in your favor that after a while, you will no longer need to deal with him.

What transpired at MC?

FYI, I would not divulge anything about the attorney visit or what you learned. Not now, and not for some time. You must (although it is hard) treat your WW as the adversary she is. She is not on your side.

Cat