SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

SAF,

There is a saying about the advice given here; Take what you need and leave the rest.

Stop addressing the posts that bother you. Just ignore them. Start answering the questions from posters who are genuinely trying to help you.

Just wanted to say that I really do admire you- I worry about you too, but I think you are working things out in your own good time. Best of luck as you continue on this painful journey.

I've been following your posts and I understand the need to do things your way, following what your conscience dictates.

While I respect that, there are some areas where I think you are doing this at the expense of practicality, and security for ALL of the children involved.

It is my understanding that your goal is to keep your family intact and raise OC (provided this is even an OC) within the family unit, your actions and directions support this for the most part.

What I don't understand is the resistance to apply firm boundaries around your nuclear family. To insist on this, in order to prevent an ill-prepared, immature OM from doing further damage.

You can not raise real children to adulthood while simultaneously trying to raise a WW into a responsible wife/mother, along with an OM into man/fatherhood.

Aside from the fact that it's not your responsibility, it is simply beyond your control.

The role you took on at this meeting shows the path before you.

What happens when he decides to rebel against your authority? He will. He is an adolescent wearing adult skin.

How will this affect the OC? What kind of push and pull will this child experience at the almost certain manipulations to undermine your authority.

Please consider that many children develop personality disorders when only ONE parent causes this kind of psychological upheaval within the family unit.

He will be a Disney dad, coming and going while you are the father, just as he was the Disney boyfriend with all of the fun and zero real responsibility. He has shown this by virtue of his actions and indicates that has not changed on the basis of his words during your meeting. You can not coach him into or through fatherhood. He will rebel. One day in the near future he will want to do things "His way" not yours. He already indicated that in your meeting. He doesn't have the maturity to do this. He has the maturity of an OM living in a fantasy, who wants what he wants and will use deception to get it.

This unborn child, just like the COM need consistency, stability, and protection. If you are willing to provide this, do so, and do it ALL the way. I think it is a disservice to this child and to your COM, if you allow these wishy washy boundaries to form the structure of their lives. They need protection and safety from this storm in the form of strong, well defined, predictable boundaries.

Cat has pointed out how this child will be viewed in the eyes of the law...and you could use this to your advantage, while you determine how feasible R with your WW really is.

I realize you have so much on your plate and that none of us are walking in your shoes. I think you have been stubborn enough through all of this and continue to do things "your way". Unfortunately you have a WW who wants things her way, and an OM who wants things his way. They may not be fully sharing with you exactly what their way entails.

I think you are getting to a point in the is horrible process where it would be in your best interest to take some of that logical, sensible advice. It won't undermine your ultimate goal, but help increase the likelihood realizing that goal.

Wishing you the best in a truly horrible situation.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 4:39 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

I had to reschedule the legal consultation from Thursday to Friday. The first time I called...no big deal. This time, I lost it when I hung up the phone. Everything is just hitting me hard today. Moving the meeting to Valentine's Day just seems cruelly ironic, too. It's not a day we really celebrated but this year I'm afraid it will feel like a punch in the gut.

Legal consultation and marriage counseling on the same day. Two great tastes...

Hugs strange, I wish you strength. Keep your head up, it won't last forever.

Hugs strange, I wish you strength. Keep your head up, it won't last forever.

Thanks, Chipped. Need all I can get.

Moving the meeting to Valentine's Day

Ouch. I'm so sorry......

It's upsetting to me that the OM is already assuming he has a right to have a relationship with the COM.

And I don't remember if this has been addressed before but, is the OM living with his mother?

Has anyone thought about what is going to happen when/if the OM finds and falls in love with another lady? Or is it being assumed that the OM is going to remain single and available for your WS if she decides to divorce you? Or are the OM and your WS going to carry on a clandestine relationship?

This is going to be a very interesting social experiment to watch.

k9

I've just been lurking, but to buoy you up after some negative comments--you are a stand-up guy. Your WW is getting a big benefit of the doubt from you here, but as far as your attitude to her unborn child? That is amazing. Since she is mother to your children, whoever this OC is they will always be part of your and your kids lives, and not only accepting but welcoming that is really special. You set a good example for your kids that way and spare the OC a lot of potential trauma. It is not their fault and you can and should have a loving relationship with them.

I really wish you the best.

SAF,

How you doing? Are you able to get some time for selfcare?

SAF, I have been following your posts for a while, I could not imagine being in your shoes and I commend you for how you have handled things so far.

I hope your WW realizes what a great man you are and does everything in her power to get your forgivness. Your kids are lucky to have a dad like you in their life.

Sending you strength and a big virtual hug!

And I don't remember if this has been addressed before but, is the OM living with his mother?

He lives on his own. There was talk early on of him moving back in with his mother to save money and have support for the new baby but I think that might have been ruled out.

Has anyone thought about what is going to happen when/if the OM finds and falls in love with another lady?

I can wait for that to happen. I'd introduce him to eligible ladies but I don't know anyone I dislike enough to set up with him.

Or are the OM and your WS going to carry on a clandestine relationship?

Well, that's the big question. I'm going to need all kinds of assurances and verification measures in order for this to work.

Sounds like your WW get to have her cake and eat it to. You work, pay the bills, raise your kids and the OC.

She gets a stable home and gets to see the OM whenever he feels like seeing his kid. There's no way you could stop that.

All the OM has to do is pay some child support. The OM has it made.

Sounds like your WW get to have her cake and eat it to. You work, pay the bills, raise your kids and the OC.

She gets a stable home and gets to see the OM whenever he feels like seeing his kid. There's no way you could stop that.

All the OM has to do is pay some child support. The OM has it made.

I'd rather see the OC raised part time in our home than full time in their home. My WW and I both work and pay the bills. I want her to have a stable home. It's true that she and the OM would see each other, which is why we'd need to establish clearly delineated boundaries. I'd also need a commitment from her to focus on our marriage and a commitment from him to never pursue a romantic relationship with her. This will require some trust as well as some verification. If he thinks he has it made, good for him. But I'm not going to see my family ripped apart simply because I want the OM to change more diapers. Maybe this can't be saved but I'm not going to be punitive about it. That would be taking my eye off the ball.

I'd also need a commitment from her to focus on our marriage and a commitment from him to never pursue a romantic relationship with her.

Does your wife want the same thing? From what you had said (that she said), she was already checked out the marriage. It was part of her reasoning that a baby with OM was a fantastic idea.

But I'm not going to see my family ripped apart simply because I want the OM to change more diapers.

Very gently here, your family has already been ripped apart.

That would be taking my eye off the ball.

What does the end-game look like to you? What does it look like to your wife? Are you on the same page?

I'd also need a commitment from her to focus on our marriage

Wouldn't that fall under "original wedding vows"? She didn't do this before, what is her incentive to do it now? She knows you don't want to break up the family, so that means she knows she can pretty much do what she wants.

commitment from him to never pursue a romantic relationship with her.

He didn't respect you enough not to pursue her before, nor did he respect you enough not to get her pregnant. Why would he respect you now and not pursue anything with her? They have no reason to stop being involved. They have the perfect cover....OC.

1st Thing SF, good on you for not killing anyone or burning anything down, Second a lot of the advice here is keying on what you're doing won't work, reject the stuff you don't like, if anything is helpful take that and leave the rest. I admire your strength and depth of character. At some point your Wife will have to navigate the negative ramifications, you need not be the driving force of this process as time and reality will force your wife to handle the exposure when it comes to pass. If your Wife wants your continued support she will have to meet your minimum requirements.

The OM has it made.

Ha! The OM has (hypothetically) a child that he has to pay support for, and he has little say about that child's upbringing (let's be honest, noncustodial male parents don't have that much clout in the courts or otherwise).

OM will watch his child grow up in a household with another man, likely a much stronger "father figure" that OM himself.

OM may have to move in with his mother to support this child.

OM will need to explain to any future love interests that yes, he has a child, and that child's mother was married when the child was conceived (personally, when I was a young woman this would have sent me screaming for the hills).

OM does not "have it made". No one in this scenario "has it made".

Why haven't you drawn a line in the sand with regards to your WW and NC with the OM? At this point, there is no proof of paternity (he could be shooting blanks, for all you know) and there is no legal reason for him to be inserted in your life.

YES. She has to go NC with him immediately if she wants to R with you. If not, its over. She's not committed to R.

There is no reason that he has to see your kids (WHAT!!!) or be at your wife's ob appointments. Later on, after OC is born, sure, there will be contact. But now, nope. None needed. Like someone said, the OC is the perfect cover.

I'll know more after my legal consultation tomorrow. My guess is that if my WW and I stay together the OM will have at least joint legal custody and probably joint physical custody as well. That's doesn't mean 50/50 time necessarily but joint nonetheless. I'd prefer that he walk away and let me adopt but that seems highly unlikely.

All of this is predicated on my marriage remaining intact, which, honestly, appears to be an unlikely outcome.