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WH says he cheated because I got fat...

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Cally60 ( member #23437) posted at 7:32 AM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

He's not being horrible about your weight to excuse his infidelity. Or because he's unhappy with the way you look.

He's doing it because he wants to hurt you and he knows that being rude and unkind about your weight is an easy way to do it. Like all bullies, he's found your weak spot and is using it to his advantage.

He's jealous of your success, and unhappy with himself - and he's using you as his whipping boy to deflect his anger and unhappiness. I think that a lot of people do this occasionally. (My own weak spot is my chronic untidiness and when my husband is angry and upset he yells about the mess.) But from what you've told us, your husband's attempts to hurt you are constant. And he enjoys hurting you. This is not normal behavior - it's emotional abuse. And, as so many others have said, it's completely unacceptable.

Unless your husband is acting like this because he is suffering from major clinical depression, for which he might be able to get treatment, I don't think his behavior towards you will ever change. Please don't let others tell you that it will, or that it's your duty to stay. For your own mental health, I believe that you really need to leave this cruel and adulterous man.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 1:39 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

posts: 2478   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2009   ·   location: California
id 6671769
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painpaingoaway ( member #27196) posted at 2:03 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

I realize this thread is not really about weight, it is about her husband's assholery, and I hate to T/J, but I thought this needed a response:

Is there anything about a spouse's appearance that is open to comment or suggestion that will not hurt a spouse?

Not unless it is said with the utmost verrryyyy careful consideration. I don't know about other women, but for me, a negative comment about a woman's weight/beauty is akin to what I imagine a negative comment about dick size is to a man. For me, it is something I don't forget. Ever. It is extremely hurtful. You just do NOT go there.

So how do you encourage a woman to care more about her appearance, lose weight, whatever? Through love and positivity.

Trust me guys, those of us that have gained weight are PAINFULLY aware of it. We don't need anyone to tell us that we need to lose weight, all that does is make it worse, and will actually sabotage any efforts and desires that might already be occurring.

So how do you help/encourage someone lose weight? You tell her how beautiful she is. You tell her specifically what you find beautiful/attractive about her. Beautiful eyes, hair, skin, hands, whatever. You tell her all the positives you can think of...what a good mother she is, how proud you were when she got that raise at work, how proud you were when she made all the kids Halloween costumes, how lucky you feel to have found her, how blessed you were when she agreed to marry you, how wonderful it is to know she is always there for you.

You remind her of old times when you did this or that, and how much fun the two of you had, pull out some old pictures and reminisce together, talk about all the things you would like to do together in the future.

You suggest things that might help the two of you become more active. Bike riding on Saturday morning, taking dancing lessons together, going a hiking group, whatever.

Tell her you have decided to make some positive healthy lifestyle changes yourself, and do them.

You volunteer to cook. Make some healthy meals.

Ask her if there is anything you can do to help her out.

Love her.

And it will all come back to you a thousand fold. I promise you.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 8:07 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


D-Day June 2009
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

posts: 7192   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2010   ·   location: Coastal South
id 6671931
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Whalers11 ( member #27544) posted at 2:36 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

My ex never said that was his reason for cheating, but I believe it contributed because I don't think he found me attractive anymore.

I was an athletic 160 lbs when we met. Not stick thin, but that was a good weight for me. I started gaining weight after a couple years and I vividly remember when he told me he "didn't want a 200 pound girlfriend". I was about 180ish then.

Well, in time, I was over 200 lbs. And he cheated. Hard not to make the correlation.

Oh well. At least I can and have lost weight. He will always be an as whole cheater.

posts: 3358   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2010
id 6671959
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Gemini71 ( member #40115) posted at 4:20 AM on Friday, February 7th, 2014

BL, if the people around you are so into Christian Forgiveness, then they will forgive you for leaving WH. If not, then they will have proved themselves hypocrites.

Matthew 23:13

DSs 21, 16, 12
About my Ex:
IDK
IDC
IDGAF

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

posts: 3406   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois, USA
id 6674674
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4everfaithful83 ( member #41761) posted at 4:40 AM on Friday, February 7th, 2014

I want to hug you too!!

That's just not right! Please! You deserve better than this man!

I see you have two DD...imagine if they were being treated this way by a man! I bet you wouldn't stand for it! Take a stand for yourself! Set a good example for your daughters and leave this abusive asshole!

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL - and don't let anyone tell you different!

The truth is - there is NO excuse for cheating! I don't care if you got fat, shaved your head, lost your job, bought a cat, ignored your husband, stopped having sex with your husband...it doesn't matter!

When I found out my BF cheated, I was always looking for the "why?" but now I realize it doesn't really matter because A-I didn't do anything wrong, its all on HIM, and B-There is no excuse! And certainly not one that's going to make me feel any better.

And when I say the "why" doesn't matter, I should say doesn't matter to ME. It's for him to figure out! It should be important to him to figure out.

There's always the right choice to make, and its never cheating. NEVER.

Him blaming you for gaining weight is simply the cowards way out. He's got his own issues and until he figures those out, he'll continue to repeat these harmful actions, and continue to cheat on you.

[This message edited by 4everfaithful83 at 10:42 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 36
1 doggie
DDay: June 24th, 2013
DDay 2 : August 22nd,2017

Left him August 26th, 2017

posts: 818   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2013   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 6674702
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worried_lady ( member #27605) posted at 4:42 AM on Friday, February 7th, 2014

T/J but needs to be said. painpaingoaway Spot on advice, perfect. You said exactly what I was thinking. So even if it was a thread jack, it really is the answer for those spouses, if that can't do it that way they need to leave or keep their mouths shut.

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly.

posts: 575   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 6674708
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StillGoing ( member #28571) posted at 5:25 AM on Friday, February 7th, 2014

Odins Asshole, you actually want to stay married to that? He must be Adonis with a magic dick that changes size to perfection and ready to roll for the duration of your desire on command for him to spout off something like that.

Tempus Fuckit.

- Ricky

posts: 7918   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 6674742
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Dreamland ( member #40488) posted at 2:02 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2014

I am so sorry... I have been on he cubby side and even though in HS I was a 6 I never was skinny. Had a tummy pudge. Compared to my friends I was on the cubby side. I was 5'3" and weighed 116. In my college years around 120 in grad school 135. When I met my fWH I was around 130...during pregnancy I gained weight 205 when I gave birth.. So I never lost it back down to pre preg weight. I did exercise. I danced but really just couldn't get close so I bounced between 160-190. I got very depressed very overwhelmed paying bills and working full time and cleaning the house. I asked for him to help me lose weight. He was a runner. Marathons and cross country. Super fit. Weight was no issue for him. And he would say he loved me as I was. So I knew he would prefer if I were skinner but still he said he loves me.

Fast forward to DDay. I kept asking him and boom.

I am not attracted to you anymore... You are lazy and fat.. And mean.. Ok so because I tell you we need to pay these bills and clean up around the house and I cook and I pick up drop off and take our DD to the doctors, physical therapy and dance soccer etc... And I work full time after you had been laid off three times and have no insurance no full time work.

Yes I am mean fat and lazy...

So that cut me to the core. That wound is so deep because the slut was young much thinner than me and so sweet.

I will never forgive him for saying that and especially since he told me he wasn't interested in sex said it was early ED problems (but now I know why) no sex for years. Now he says he said in the heat of an argument and it means nothing. The good thing about the A. I lost 60 pounds still not at pre preg weight but closer. but I will never trust another man. I know now what I knew as a teenager. Men don't like fat girls and even if they tell you they love you "just the way you are" aka Bridget Jones... Sorry it's not true.. Ask we get older they look for youth and skinny girls..

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

posts: 515   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2013
id 6675036
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Sadmumma ( member #42192) posted at 5:35 AM on Saturday, February 8th, 2014

I'm a believer in true love, unconditional love. I still am.

If he had an issue didn't he owe it to both of you to perhaps initiate a walk together nightly, yo help shift the pounds.

By all means he's entitled to his opinion but he doesn't need to be so cruel and hurtful.

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

posts: 536   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2014   ·   location: Land down under
id 6676331
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