SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Divorce is a real touchy topic for religious people as our parents believe marriage is forever and that remarriage is adultery.

Do they not see the irony in the fact that remarriage is adultery but your husband committed adultery in the marriage he is in? The current one?

And honey, he didn't cheat because you got fat, he cheated because he's an asshole.

You make good money, you deserve better and he's an asshole.

I don't know if this helps, since the sexes are reversed, but my XWW's current husband, the one she had her affair with almost two years ago, is.. very very very overweight. I'm not. (I mean, yeah, I could stand to lose a few more pounds..)

I don't think weight entered her mind. I think the affair fog is what drives these things.

I don't know about NY, but here in IL we have the option of filing for Legal Separation instead of Divorce.

Legal Separation is specifically for people who for religious reasons do not want to divorce, but whose relationship has become toxic. You have reached that point. You need to get your emotionally abusive WH out of your home, set custody and visitation of the children, and protect yourself financially.

You can reassure your parents, pastor, and whoever else feels like they can run your life that you will still be married. You and WH will not date other people, so it won't be adulterous. Oops! Too late. WH already did that.

Also, here in IL, adultery legally falls under the heading of "Intolerable Mental Cruelty." You need time and space to recover from the intentional emotional trauma your WH has inflicted. Someone here once said that you wouldn't expect to recover from a bullet wound without a doctor's care and plenty of rest and recovery time. Your self esteem needs the same level of TLC to recover from WH's cruelty.

Good Luck ((hugs))

My STBXH, right before DD went the same route as your WS.

THIS is why I know it isn't about weight. He didn't cheat when I was obese.

However, when I had lost over 35 pounds, I asked him if he could tell how much weight I had lost. Now keep in mind he had been in Afghanistan and hadn't seen me on a daily basis for over 5 months. He gave me this weird look. I now know that look is the one he is going to give when he is about to say something mean and hurtful.

He told me no he couldn't tell. Then he told me that we should save up for liposuction so I won't be so disgusted with myself for being so overweight. Almost his exact words. Up until that point, I had gotten my self esteem back and was feeling pretty good about myself.

Yet now he tells me I've lost too much weight. So let me get your story straight, I look disgusting and need liposuction one minute, but the next minute you think I've lost too much weight. He was so confused his dumbass didn't know what he was saying to me from moment to moment. He was constantly contradicting himself in order to find a reason to stick as to why he was cheating and how it was my fault.

Your WS is reaching for an excuse to hurt you and I'm so sorry he is doing this. As partners in M, we know our other half's buttons to press. He knows you are probably sensitive about your weight gain, and he is pouncing on that like a mouse on cheese.

Please hang in there. If you feel you need to lose weight, do it for you and for your health so you will be around a long time for those precious babies of yours. Don't do it for his stupidity.

FTG. He is blowing smoke up your ass. IF my STBXH had said that shit to me, I would have pointed out his limp dick (ED), his wrinkled dick, his wrinkles, his balding, and his being almost as overweight as I was! Fucker.

I am so mad for you!

[This message edited by StillLivin at 4:56 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

This woman was cheated on:

This woman was cheated on, too:

This woman was cheated on:

Any of them look fat? Any of them ugly? No?

But they still got cheated on.

Do you understand the point I'm trying to make? Doesn't matter if you are gorgeous, talented, and an actual super model. Cheaters cheat because they are the ones with the problem, and it's on the inside. Their souls are broken.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 5:01 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

IF my STBXH had said that shit to me, I would have pointed out his limp dick (ED), his wrinkled dick, his wrinkles, his balding, and his being almost as overweight as I was! Fucker.

You beat me to it StillLivin.

So, Mr. Perfect is without blemish, hugh?? Hmmm . . .

Does he have a six pack or a dicki doo? Does he chew? Breath stink? Have a flat or saggy ass? Not quite got a full head of hair? Some grey there? Does he have chicken legs? Maybe a crooked toe or two? How are his bicepts? deltoids? pecs? Firm, muscular, or just so-so or flabby? Does he have too much back hair? Maybe not enough chest hair? Are his nipples shaped weird? To big? Inverted? How about his weiner? Long enough? Thick enough? does he keep it trimed?

Anyway, you get my point. If he has any thing that is less than perfect . . . you get to sleep with another man.

He is using your weight as a weapon to hurt you and justify what he did.

You can always loose weight, his shallowness and cruelty are part of his character.

I know, it hurts. I am so sorry for your pain.

Would it be ok for his daughters husband to be cruel to her if she got heavier? These assholes just do not think.

[This message edited by shiloe at 5:28 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Oh. My. God.

I was actually feeling sorry for myself until I read this.

This is soooooooooo not about YOU. It is about him and his utter fuckedupedness. I mean really. What the hell kind of shallow idiocy is this?

You do NOT deserve this, he doesn't GET to criticize you. After all, his infidelity doesn't make him attractive and you didn't cheat.

.... I am speechless....

Just... wow.

My WH is a really good actor. When everyone is around he is so kind and gentle. He convinces them that he wants to fix the marriage and that he didn't cheat and that all the proof I have is false/misleading. It then becomes BrooklynLove you need to be patient, you and your WH are young, you need to move on and forgive. When he questioned whether my baby was his this summer I told him to get out and that we should legally separate. Next thing you know his mother is calling and begging me to be patient with him and he starts putting on a show about saving the marriage. Nothing ever changes but I feel stuck and I know deep down he wants me to leave so he can look like the good guy.

Think about what you are showing your children. That their father can hurt you, that he can treat you badly and it's ok. That is what you are doing by staying with him.

You are not responsible for him, his choices (school, failing out of nursing, his drinking) but you are responsible for YOUR reactions to his behavior.

His treatment of you is inexcusable. You do deserve better. Your weight has nothing to do with him cheating. NOTHING. He's making excuses for his craptastic behavior so he doesn't have to admit that it was his poor judgement, lack of boundaries - HIS FAULT -, etc. that led to his affiar(s).

Get healthy for yourself, for your kids and then kick his ass to the curb.

Edited to add: Get a voice activated recorder, a good one, and keep it in a pocket or a couple of them and keep them in various room. Maybe even a nanny cam. Get your proof that he's a total dick. It might not be admissable in court, but it would make his mother and others see him in the real light.

[This message edited by Mousse242 at 6:19 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

BL, I think you're overweight....by about 257 pounds.....

Do they not see the irony in the fact that remarriage is adultery but your husband committed adultery in the marriage he is in? The current one?

That's what I told my mom but they have there double standards when it comes to men cheating and women cheating. If it was me he would have divorced me before I could say sorry. My father cheated and actually lived with the OW for 6 years (they have a child together that my father denies) while telling my mother she was just a church sister helping him out. At that time he moved to another state with OW to conduct his affair and pretended that it was for work. We were suppose to join him but every year he made and excuse. I was in HS and my mother became impossible to be around and she lost so much weight everyone thought she had cancer. They never divorce and when he came back around the time I was getting married she took him back (no questions ask) and he denies any affair or the child. Is she happy with him? I don't think so. But it's her husband and she says she won't compromise her soul and not get into the celestial kingdom.

I don't understand. I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian religion and the only accepted reason for divorce is adultery. YOU were cheated on; HE is the adulterer. He terminated the marriage with his adultery; you should have the right to remarry if you want to.

I just want to say, I'm a BH.

You know what they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Now, this is just my opinion, directly from this specific male. So I hope you don't get offended by it.

My WW was about the same stats as you, when we first started dating. 5'7" at ~180 pounds. I wouldn't call her fat, but I know some would, if they compared her to twig people. She's curvy with huge boobs and ass.

Anyways, as we dated and been married. Her weight fluctuates a lot. I don't know how you ladies do it? I've been pretty much the same weight, since 10 yrs ago, lol. Anyways, I think she maxed out at 205 for some time while we were dating. We were getting married in Hawaii on the beach. She was so excited about it. So started going hardcore on a diet, with a personal trainer at the gym for a couple of months. She managed all the way down to 155 lbs. She looked great to me. Still had all her sexy parts, but more energy and felt less pain in her leg joints. I think by the time we actually got married, she was at 160.

I loved/love her, don't get me wrong. But I've also told her, I did not want an obese spouse. 205 isn't obese for her size. I told her, there's lots of reason to get away from obesity. 1, the obvious health concern. 2, one just doesn't get obese, just because. It's on purpose. It's not an "accident". 3, in my eyes, it is definitely not attractive. I know there's others who will always love their spouse, no matter the size. And some are "chubby chasers". I will always love her, I just wont find her "sexy" or appealing. And unfortunately, I/we feel that should apply to our happiness.

I asked her if she'll be perfectly happy, if I "blew up like a whale" and you couldn't find my dick under my rolls. She laughed at me and said I'll never be that big, but that's not the point. She admits, yes, she wouldn't find me attractive at that size.

I'm not saying I would ever cheat on my WW because of her size. But we talked and knew about our physical acceptance while we were still dating. It does sound very shallow stating it here. I apologize if it's not something you want to hear. But this is coming from my point of view and just giving you another angle.

Even when we're out and about. I was never rude and compared her to other people. I did one time make a comment while we were parking at the local mall. It was quiet in the cabin and we drive past this lady with her big boobs hanging out. I yelled out, "BOOBIES" and she cracked up. But other than that, I don't stare and be disrespectful to my WW, IMO.

Just so you know, my expectation is not some twig model. I do like some curves on her and at least some meat. All skins and bones is gross to touch. May look decent with clothes on, depending on build, but not my style.

I also, want to point out, I don't believe 250 lbs is "obese" for your height. I don't really know what that looks like. I can imagine using my WW's size as a reference. But the difference is, I would be talking to my wife about it before hand. I would even work out with her to try and motive. Find reasons for outdoor activity. That's what I feel 1 aspect of marriage is about. You help your spouse no matter what and they do the same. Together.

[This message edited by UneasyFeelings at 8:14 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Uneasy this isn't really about weight. Its about justification and verbal abuse.

Her husband may as well have said he'd cheat because she has two eyes and one mouth.

Its a stupid excuse for a selfish decision.

I don't understand. I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian religion and the only accepted reason for divorce is adultery. YOU were cheated on; HE is the adulterer. He terminated the marriage with his adultery; you should have the right to remarry if you want to.

Every denomination just accepts and rejects what they want. When I bring up that adultery allows me to divorce, I get told that as a Christian I need to forgive. I husband still till this day denies the affairs. He tells everyone OW#1 is a liar and OW#2 they were just playing around .

There is a difference between forgiving and remaining in an intolerable situation.

Forgiveness does not equal staying in a relationship with a spouse who abuses you.

Boundaries need to be drawn with all of these extrinsic people.....pastor, his parents, your parents.

You are an adult. You come across as being very intelligent and reasonable. Your WH's behavior is unacceptable. He builds himself up by tearing you down.

All of this religious obfuscation is nothing but bullshit and it needs to be shut down. As there are many examples of God's forgiving grace in the Scriptures.....there are just as many instances where he laid his wrath down upon those who *sinned*.

You are stuck in a Catch-22 situation right now. You have mentioned that your self-esteem is in the toilet as a reason that you can't make any decisions about your marriage........but your self-esteem is going to continue to spiral so long as you remain with a husband who tells you that he's going to continue to ogle other women until you're *attractive* enough that he wants to ogle you. And really think about that. You just had HIS child 3 months ago....but he's telling you not to get jealous about him looking at other women because you aren't attractive to him?

Put your bitch boots on hon.

If he goes crying to his mommy about you, causing her to then call you and brow-beat you -- tell her to mind her own damn business and if you need her input you'll ask for it.

As to your own mom......she made the decisions that she deemed were right for her. Just because she was able to rugsweep your dad's total douchebaggery doesn't mean that YOU have to do the same with your WH. Her life = her choice. Your life = your choice. Your mom doesn't get to force you to choke on this shit just because she did, kwim?

And I'm with Meta on this one:

****Do they not see the irony in the fact that remarriage is adultery but your husband committed adultery in the marriage he is in? The current one?****

These people are mind-fucking you.

I just want to add my 2c.

My WH told me the day we were engaged that I better not "get fat" or "quit wanting sex."

We discussed pregnancy. He said that wasn't fat... I was 115lbs 5'6". Every child was born when I reached 175lbs. (Uncanny) BUT my WH cheated on me every time I was pregnant. Told me that he just couldn't "get into sex" with a pregnant woman.

Right now I'm a respectable 135lbs. Not a stick like I was, but ok.

He solicits hookers now.... Some are way older than me, some way younger, some are much heavier. I just saw one as he answered in CL that was a pregnant woman who said "I'm the safest sex, you can't get me pregnant because I already am!" He set up a meet with her.

It's not you, your weight, attitude, sex drive, or other excuse. It is him. He has issues to deal with and is broken.

If you can't do it for yourself just yet, can you focus on your children? This man sounds toxic and the pattern is going to be repeated in their lives unless you can show them that this is not how healthy and loving relationships work.

Your parents clearly have issues, please don't let them put those same issues on to you. You and your children deserve so much better.

You are stuck in a Catch-22 situation right now. You have mentioned that your self-esteem is in the toilet as a reason that you can't make any decisions about your marriage........but your self-esteem is going to continue to spiral so long as you remain with a husband who tells you that he's going to continue to ogle other women until you're *attractive* enough that he wants to ogle you. And really think about that. You just had HIS child 3 months ago....but he's telling you not to get jealous about him looking at other women because you aren't attractive to him?

I need to get some strength to walk away and I am just in such a bad place right now that I'm afraid to be alone even if it means I'm with this jerk. I want to get to a place where I don't care anymore and my love has started to die. I got pregnant right after DDay during HB and it has just complicated this whole situation .

WH says he cheated because I got fat...

My answer may be a little long, so bear with me here....

BULLSHIT!