SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What a loser, a very broken one at that.

He is only deflecting his own unattractiveness on to you and his self-worth is obviously non-existent to say something so cruel.

Look at what he is saying and see it for what it is: his lack of love for himself.

You deserve someone who loves you for being you and the sooner you get rid of this loser, the sooner you can focus on finding him.

(((((BrooklynLove)))))

@Jrazz - Thanks for the hug. I just need to get to a place where I get my self esteem back. I wasn't skinny or media beauty either when our relationship turned sexual in late HS and college. I was a size 12 when he proposed.

@Simplydevastated - He is so cruel to me that onetime I saw the hate in his eyes when we were arguing. He blames me for his failures and feel that I trapped him with baby number 2. Thanks for the hug.

@SoVerySadNow - He is no GQ material and has been also gaining weight. He is a asshat and is nowhere near the sexiest man alive. LOL at cheating because BS was late for thanksgiving .

@Silentscream13 - He has become so unattractive to me because of his attitude and doesn't even know it. I use to worship the ground he walks on and when he said jump I ask how high. Now I just see a cruel man that really like you said doesn't deserve me.

@Weeping Willow - He is such a liar now that I wonder how long has he been lying. He has become so selfish that I wonder why didn't I ever see him for what he was. I am trying to not fall trap but it is hard.

I really want to lose weight for myself and really if I want a new beginning I want to start fresh and new.

These type issues bring out such emotion, yet they still happen in marriages. Is there anything about a spouse's appearance that is open to comment or suggestion that will not hurt a spouse?

Haircuts? Beards? Tattoos? Drug usage? Alcohol? Diet? Tanlines?

Maybe that makes no sense. Not trying to be inflamatory.

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 2:06 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

There's a thread in our I Can Relate forum for people who want to get healthy and support each other through it... I'd join but I'm still just outside the realm of eating accountability. I really should check in there.

I encourage you to do so if you want the company of others who share your goals. Remember, you should only do this for YOU. Love and relationships shouldn't hinge on empirical biases.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=491355

I don't know. I think if my WH told me that I would have to tell him I was divorcing him because he is a cruel, selfish, shallow douche bag.

Is there anything about a spouse's appearance that is open to comment or suggestion that will not hurt a spouse?

I think that sensitivities can only be gauged on an individual basis.

Conversation about appearance? Of course that's normal.

Basing the relationship on it after making a committment? Selfish.

Telling a partner that they are unattractive and unworthy of faithfulness because of the way they look? Cruel.

I actually do have a friend whose marriage began to unravel due to a fight about the wife's usage of tanning beds.

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 2:17 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Telling a partner that they are unattractive and unworthy of faithfulness because of the way they look? Cruel.

Exactly.You don't go out have an affair and say you cheated because you're fat and I find you unattractive.

Is there anything about a spouse's appearance that is open to comment or suggestion that will not hurt a spouse?

This is a conversation you have with your spouse with kindness, sensitivity, and empathy.

I think that sensitivities can only be gauged on an individual basis.

Conversation about appearance? Of course that's normal.

Basing the relationship on it after making a committment? Selfish.

Telling a partner that they are unattractive and unworthy of faithfulness because of the way they look? Cruel.

^^^^^ This. Absolutely.

My XWH (1st M)gave me that excuse. I was unattractive to him because I gained weight while pregnant. Whatever. (I actually have a pretty funny story about that situation that I may tell sometime)

JM has never, ever made me feel bad about my weight or like it matters to him, other than the health ramifications. He and I have both had some pretty wide weight fluctuations, usually when one or both of us was in the process of blowing up our life one way or another.

Last fall, though, he and I sat down together and committed to a program to help us lose weight and make healthier choices for food and exercise. We go together to our weigh-ins as much as possible, and have been encouraging each other. I love seeing him lose weight. He is the sexiest man I know regardless of how much he weighs, but knowing that we are working together just adds to that. And the fact that he makes it very clear that he is attracted to me= off-the-charts very horny HFSSC.

I hope for you that you get someone in your life who deserves you and who is so into you that it doesn't matter what you look like or how much you weigh.

It's not your weight. That is just what he sees as a very convenient excuse that he knows will hurt you and he hopes will inflict guilt and shame within you.

If you show or accept guilt and shame then he will use that as a source of justification for doing something to you that he would never want you or anyone else to do to him.

Pose this question to yourself. Pose it to him. If he was overweight and you were having sex with other men, do you think he would accept the excuse that you did it because he got fat?

No, he would not accept from you the very excuse that he wants you to accept.

Don't accept it.

His adultery/infidelity has nothing to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE. Adultery is not due to a marital failure. It is due to a PERSONAL failure.

Remember that always.

He did it because he is insecure with himself, selfish, and believes validation of self-worth comes from women willing to have sex with him.

He needs to face himself. Unlikely he ever will. Most waywards blame and run. They are excuse machines and cowards who will never face their issues. It will always be someone else's fault.

Hopefully he is one of the rarer ones who becomes self-aware, acquires some compassion and wants to earn back a little integrity.

But, that's completely up to him. You cannot help him in that aspect. Either he does it on his own or he does nothing.

You can help yourself and your children.

Do that.

@painpaingoaway - He is a class A asshole and I need all the prayers I can get. I try not to retaliate about his looks because when I expose him he tends to say but she said this too .

@Melian40 - I know looks have nothing to do with it. Supermodels and actresses get cheated on all the time. Many of my colleagues are dealing with infidelity and they are thin, beautiful and successful. I want to lose the weight for myself but also deep down inside I still want to be desired by him .

@dindy - He is so broken and really is deflecting his own unattractiveness to me. He hates his job and hates NYC because of all the bills we have. Resents my career and says I trapped him with baby # 2.

@Justgreatnews - I understand what you are trying to say. I do thinks one spouse should be ale to tell the other what they want look wise. But it's the way it's done that makes all the difference. He is not saying baby I would like you to lose some weight. He is not saying lets go to the gym together (he has a membership that he doesn't use). He is not saying lets eat healthy as he can afford to lose some weight too. He is being mean about it and has gone as far as offering me carb foods when he knows I'm doing a low carb diet.

Btdt.

Got the same speech. Got it when I was 5 ft 8 in and weighed 135. Since I knew at that point I was not overweight, ended up giving up and gaining weight. Fast forward 15 years, still in the same boat. Have lost weight, no difference. Gained it back and a lot more, no difference.

I also make more $$.

Your h may like thinner girls and ok. I like tall guys with dark hair. But for some reason, I fell I love with my h who is neither of those things. I do not think that gives me permission to cheat on him, nor to try and make him feel bad for not dying his hair or wearing a shoe with a little height to it.

It has taken me YEARS to figure out this is not about me or my weight. I truly believe that a) they are shallow and b) they are insecure about the $, so they buld themselves up by tearing you down.

Please let me serve as your horrible warning. He is telling you now that he is shallow, that he will use sex as a weapon, that his opinion is worth more to him than your feelings. I would like to tell you he may change. From a Christian perspective I never want to discourage someone in their marriage. That said, don't wait a year or five or 15 for him to pull his head out of his ass. Walk or run. Let God deal with his shallowness IF your h chooses to let Him. You, protect yourself and those babies emotionally.

BrooklynLove

You are right, it does hurt when the one person that is supposed to have your back doesn't.

Get your ducks in a row. Just do your best not to listen to him anymore.

I had a lot of very serious health issues a few years ago. In the course of 3 years I gained over 80 pounds. I went from trim and athletic and cute as hell, to overweight, extremely overweight.

I have my health back. And I'm working my way back to trim and athletic.

He didn't cheat on me when I was fat, he cheated on me after I had lost the first 35 pounds. He left me for her when I lost a total of 50 pounds.

If you hadn't gained weight, it would have been something else. Hell you could have lost 50 pounds and he would have been complaining you lost too much weight.

Oh, and same STBXH told me that the last time he saw me.

Go figure.

@Jrazz - I have posted in the "I can relate forum about weight loss" but because everyone is doing their own diet and exercise routine it makes it hard to relate. I will continue just to get support to stay the course.

@SisterMilkshake - When divorce was brought up because of his cheating, cruelty and shallowness, he manage to convince everyone that he wanted to fix this marriage. Our pastor and our parents were at our house counseling us about marriage and how I should forgive and forget. We are baptist and this particular sect doesn't believe in divorce or remarriage. I am dealing with a lot a conflict between my religion/beliefs and what I'm going threw right now .

@HFSSC - He refuses to lose weight together and thinks he's thin. He got on the scale and told me he was 200lbs at 5'8" but doesn't know that the scale records the last weighing done on it. He is 257lbs . I have to get my self esteem back in order to get someone better because I will just settle and make the same mistake.

@Keptmyword - It is about his personal failure. He hates that I make more money and have a better career but will never admit to it.

@Pentup - When we went to college the first time, I told him that his general business degree was something everyone was getting and that it would be hard to secure a good job. I encouraged him to go to nursing, physician assistant or surgical technologist and he refused. After graduation we got married and I got a job with no effort. Six months later he got a job at the bank as an account representative making way less than me. I was able to make six figures with overtime that year and that's when our relationship took a nose dive. Divorce is a real touchy topic for religious people as our parents believe marriage is forever and that remarriage is adultery.

@StillLivin - Happy you are feeling better and these WS are just too much .

If you were thinner, he'd say he cheated because your hair is too short.

If your hair is long, he'd say he cheated because you can't cook.

If you went to the best chef schools money could buy, he'd say he cheated because you don't pay enough attention to him.

If you cut the crust off his bread and iron his underwear, he'd say he cheated because you smother him.

It is not about you. HE is the one that is broken.

That is so just right out of the WS Cheating Handbook. Its in Chapter 1, 4th page, heading "Reasons that We, the WS Cheats", sub text, blame shifting.

1. She made Four Cheese Lasagna. (Obviously, everyone knows Lasagna should only have three cheeses so I must go fuck someone else.)

2. She didn't make her delicious Lasagna.

3. There were dust bunnies in the house. (I think (?) the WS was frightened by them?)

4. Was too slow ironing shirts. (Or was it too fast?)

These are some reasons I have read here. I am sure the list is endless and many can add.

you've gotten some wonderful advice and feedback here. let me add this:

if this is in fact his "reason" (cause some people are just that idiotic), is it really healthy for you to be with someone who not only judges you on your weight, but also treats you cruelly because of it, in his choices in response to how he "feels" about you?

My husband said the same to me - that the reason he cheated was because I got too fat.

That may or may not be true. But the reason we are getting divorced is that he is a shallow, self absorbed, cheating liar who is so immature that at 56 years old he has had to move back in with his mother so that she can wash and iron his shirts and make him soup and lasagne for his dinner.

Turned out the biggest load of excess weight I needed to lose was him.

Good luck. You'll be fine

What a jerk!

To make it quick, what everyone else here is saying...Please listen! I was with a man who did something similar. Once he knew I wouldn't tolerate his shit any more, he couldn't dig himself out, or push his way out with his cop shield, so he started an attack. I just laughed. It pissed him off more, but honestly, by then, I saw him for who and what he was... and by then my laughter was genuine.

I know church, family, and friends all mean well. Kindly....they aren't living with this monster. Please do what's right for you. You know what's right in your heart. Follow it. Stay strong. You're not alone.

(((Hugs)))

divorce him. i don't usually say that but he is cruel, manipulative, and just not worthy of further response.

now if you want to lose weight for yourself, do so in a healthy way. be the best you that you can be for your babies. They are going to need a healthy parent to get them through the years ahead, and we sure don't want to rely on parenting lessons from mr. brooklyn.