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blakesteele (original poster member #38044) posted at 12:36 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
...and I wanted to post that I am sad. I feel like a little boy that needs a hug. Yes, this post is me looking for attention.
In the past I would seek out unhealthy means to feel better....starting with denying that I felt sad in the first place.
About this time last year I chose to turn away from porn....to sit with my feelings, to examine them, to expose as much of the roots of motivations within me as I could.
It has been time and energy well spent. It has come at a cost....I look and feel much older than I am, I still spontaneously cry, anger is much less part of me...and I kind of miss it as it did make me feel better but it, like porn, was a temporary band aid that prohibited real, permanent growth to occur.
But the price of NOT doing this would have been much greater. My M would have limped along at best, my family would not have reached the potential I see for it, and I would have remained blind to feelings that needed healed.
I have always been an out-going, life of the party, funny guy....still enjoy being that guy. But I see a new part of me coming into the light. A guy that desires real connection...both with himself and those I choose to interact with.
I see real value in honest fellowship......both virtually here on SI and in real life with my wife and a very close friend.
Thank you for the support and comfort you have regularly provided me.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:39 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]
ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.
MrsDoubtfire ( member #24786) posted at 12:46 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Happy Birthday and enjoy this sinless cake 
I hope your WW comes up trumps and you have a great day.
BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†
olwen ( member #39759) posted at 12:58 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Happy birthday! Hope you have a good day.
It's my 36th tomorrow so nearly birthday buddies lol
[This message edited by olwen at 7:44 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]
Crushed15Feb13 ( member #38846) posted at 12:58 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Happy Birthday, Blakesteele!
And many happy returns of the day!
Me: BH, 56
Her: WW, 56 5+ yr LTA
Married 34 yrs, 2 DS
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - OBS phone call
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - TT, length of affair 1.5 yrs longer than admitted.
Trying to understand
deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 1:02 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Happy birthday! Mine was yesterday and I felt sad most of the day, so I hear you on that. Enjoy your day and many more!!
Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.
byefornow ( member #41992) posted at 1:26 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Happy birthday! I hope the year ahead holds many blessings for you!
BW- me
WH - him
married over 25 years
1owner ( member #41157) posted at 1:28 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Happy birthday Blakesteele!!!
Your posts are always very insightful and I enjoy reading them.
I know what you mean about looking and feeling older, this infidelity crap does take it's toll, that's for sure.
Happy birthday and many happy returns!
bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 1:30 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
I have always been an out-going, life of the party, funny guy....still enjoy being that guy. But I see a new part of me coming into the light. A guy that desires real connection...both with himself and those I choose to interact with.
I admire you BS. And, here is a virtual hug ((Blakesteele)).
What a great b-day present to yourself. How lucky are you that at the (young) age of 40-something-ish, you were able to figure out what many spend a life searching for? Living an authentic life. . . that is a gift. It is a gift to know it is possible, and to strive for it. It is a gift to be self-reflective and aware.
I recently celebrated a birthday too, and it was bittersweet. I am both better, and more hurt than I have ever been. I think this is the year (or two, or five) that I am most fully living the human condition in all of its flavors. We don't get these opportunities that often: to have a crisis that rocks us to the core. I have already lost a parent, and I have actually learned far more from this.
I am grateful to be alive, and looking forward to more ups than downs in the future. Hoping for the same for you as well.
me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.
Sadmumma ( member #42192) posted at 1:31 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Happy birthday. Hope it's a great one 
On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014
ItsaClimb ( member #37107) posted at 1:55 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Happy Birthday {{Blakesteele}}
You're such an inspiration to me. Hope your sadness lifts and you can enjoy your day to the full.
BS 52
Together 35 yrs, M 31 years
2 daughters 30yo(married with 2 children) & 25yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later
creativecat ( member #41728) posted at 1:55 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Happy Birthday, blakesteele! You deserve tons of attention!
I send you the gift of gratitude, for all the wisdom you have posted on here.
God's blessings to you today and always!
openedupmyeyes ( member #27871) posted at 1:58 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Me:55 BS
Him:55 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:37
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.
petite71 ( member #36475) posted at 2:01 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
1st DD 03/24/2012 2nd DD 07/13/2012 TT A. in 2002 same girl when we were dating.
Status:Getting Stronger...we can get through this & are healing together
BS(me):41
WS(Husband):40
LTA 10 yrs EA/PA 9 times. friends with benefits.
Us..Together 12 yr
StillStanding1 ( member #40144) posted at 2:14 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Happy Birthday!!!!! I hope the sadness will dispel and that you can find joy in the littlest things. I always enjoy your posts and keep you in my prayers as we all weather this journey.
Me: BS50s Him: WH50s
M 25 years - DD DS DS
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday - 2/13, S for 1 year, now R
stunnedin12 ( member #38141) posted at 2:15 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Lawyers involved.
PinkJeepLady ( member #37575) posted at 2:34 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Congrats on giving up porn! I appreciate you standing up against it.
Hey, the day isn't over yet.......you never know what might happen! I hope at the end of the day you look back and can say it was a Happy Birthday! Hang in there!
Me: BW Him: FWH
DDay June 1st 2012
cheated with prostitutes overseas
Reconciled - thought so, but now divorcing
lordhasaplan? ( member #30079) posted at 2:36 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
BS- Me (45)D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10). Currently in R.Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.
Loadsofchocolate ( member #40708) posted at 2:37 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Happy Birthday blakesteele hope you have a great day!!
Dday1 - 2013 admits EA
Dday2 - Dday5 (end 2013) breaks NC 4 times admits PA
Dday6 - November 2014 breaks NC
Dday7 - 2014 EA with COW
Dday8 - 4/2016 discover 2yr EA from 2009-2011
Dday9 - 8/2016 discover cheating from 18 years ago
SoVerySadNow ( member #36711) posted at 3:16 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
Have the happiest of birthdays!
I think I remember you and your wife had the weekend away at Retrouvaille- what a wonderful rebirth there too.
Enjoy your day with your family. 
Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.
MovingUpward ( member #14866) posted at 3:18 PM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014
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