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sodamnlost ( member #37190) posted at 1:30 PM on Thursday, February 13th, 2014
I needed evidence, I was so deep in denial despite my gut KNOWING for YEARS something was wrong. I just couldn't wrap my head around him having an affair. Once I saw the texts, I needed proof of everything. He has lied and gaslit me for so long, I often feel brainwashed.
Now that we are back at square one with the latest Dday, I went back into that crazy making needing proof mode, BAD. I finally stopped. Addicts lie. Why do I feel like I need proof? Does it REALLY matter I know he didn't just "talk" to the two actual prostitutes? Does it REALLY matter how many massage parlors he went to? Nope. Does it even matter if he's sober now or not? Nope. If he is - I will see the difference soon enough. If he's not - he will continue to self destruct and you can't hide that.
Me - BS original Dday 10-2012, separated June 2014, divorce Fall 2016
Grief, loss and pain taunt her - "you will never be the same." Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, she rises and spreads her new wings as she brushes off the ashes an
tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 2:10 PM on Thursday, February 13th, 2014
After reflecting on this a little more, I think I really needed the evidence because without he would have not changed his behavior, and I would have walked, and I think it would have taken me a long time to be ok with that, because had I walked without proof I would have been the bad guy.
Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
TS68 ( member #40211) posted at 2:35 PM on Thursday, February 13th, 2014
Cannot drag my kids through hell with a divorce unless I know for sure. I have been looking for a witness. Reached out to his old employee who would definitely know. So far, silence.
Like other posters, I need to prove to myself I am not crazy. Still looking, but am afraid I might not ever get it.
Me: 48
Him: 50
Married 22 years too many
DS19, DS17, DD10
Divorced
Know your worth.
StillLivin (original poster member #40229) posted at 5:17 PM on Thursday, February 13th, 2014
Thank you everybody. All of you cleared up some issues for me.
I didn't have all of the evidence, just accidentally found out with the phone texts and calls on the phone bill that definitely didn't match up to his phone when I checked it. To me, THAT was proof enough. A friend of mine told me that wasn't proof. She tried to convince me I was crazy and couldn't throw away all those years of M w/o definitive proof. I'm glad I didn't listen to her. To me, there was no possible other explanation, even if I didn't want to believe it.
Later, I dug for more when he wouldn't tell me anything and wanted R. I needed THEN to know what I was forgiving.
I won't say happily on my way to D, but I'm confidently on my way to D.
"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014
cl131716 ( member #40699) posted at 5:31 PM on Thursday, February 13th, 2014
I didn't need evidence, I just stumbled upon it and even with it WH lied and denied. His favorite line is "it's not like that" but he can never explain exactly how it is. It was obviously inappropriate but because he had feelings or never slept with them it was all "harmless" and was absolutely "nothing". Ironic, however, that he often accused me of doing the same things and made it seem his ex-wife had committed the ultimate act of betrayal when she did the very thing he had been doing for over a year.
I used to doubt myself and at times I still do until I decided I didn't care how he viewed everything. What I know is he lied, hid things, and acted inappropriately. I don't need to know anymore to know I will never put up with even questionable behavior again.
Me BS 33 Him WS 37
Together 6 years, married almost 4 years
D-day: 07/23/13 EA with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out about a past kiss
D-day: 05/30/16 Saw first text message from new COW
D-day: 09-08-16 Dr. Fone confirmed EA
cl131716 ( member #40699) posted at 5:33 PM on Thursday, February 13th, 2014
I didn't need evidence, I just stumbled upon it and even with it WH lied and denied. His favorite line is "it's not like that" but he can never explain exactly how it is. It was obviously inappropriate but because he had no feelings or never slept with them it was all "harmless" and was absolutely "nothing". Ironic, however, that he often accused me of doing the same things and made it seem his ex-wife had committed the ultimate act of betrayal when she did the very thing he had been doing for over a year.
I used to doubt myself and at times I still do until I decided I didn't care how he viewed everything. What I know is he lied, hid things, and acted inappropriately. I don't need to know anymore to know I will never put up with even questionable behavior again.
Me BS 33 Him WS 37
Together 6 years, married almost 4 years
D-day: 07/23/13 EA with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out about a past kiss
D-day: 05/30/16 Saw first text message from new COW
D-day: 09-08-16 Dr. Fone confirmed EA
hopefulmother ( member #38790) posted at 5:38 PM on Thursday, February 13th, 2014
He denied with the "just friends" until I saw text messages. I didn't tell him that...I just point blank asked him if he liked her? He couldn't deny that and look me in the eye.
Me-BW 44
WH-44 zugzwang
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 children
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.
LifeIsTooWeird ( member #42093) posted at 6:44 PM on Thursday, February 13th, 2014
One lesson I learned from all of this, your first evidence will always be your gut. The trick is after discovery pushing out all the paranoia and getting back in touch with your gut, so that if it happens again, you will be able to trust your gut. I'm still working on that part.
[This message edited by LifeIsTooWeird at 12:46 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]
Me - GF (38)
Him - BF (33)
DDay - 08/13
Together 8 Years
In R
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