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((((FAceP))))

I have an ADHD/borderline Aspie, who had some physical devel delays. He has been a challenge from day one. Fussy baby, rebuked any change in routine, and thrived on good routine. At 16, still engages in behaviors that he knows will get a rise out of me. But for the most part is a good kid.

I have found that you have to be consistent consistent consistent with these kids. Now with changing schedules, I get the difficulty in keeping them, when mine were small I worked 12 hour shifts, and had 3 days a week off, talk about difficult to keep things consistent.

He is old enough to understand expectations, and follow through. This is where you and your H have to absolutely work together, and make sure that you do things the same.

He drags the towel? Fine he gets to either, A. Wash all the towels and fold them or B. Not use a towel next time, and drip dry (only recommended in summer). Seriously giving a chore as a consequence is a good thing. I have done this with him, and it does two things, keeps him busy with a task, so he is burning off some of that energy, and teaches a consequence to an action that has been forbidden.

Chore Charts were our friend as well.

Checklist of what he needed to do each day, and very simple stuff, get dressed, brush your teeth, tie your shoes, eat breakfast.

I also found giving time warnings helped. "you have 5 minutes to get dressed" Are you dressed you only have 2 minutes left" and so forth. It takes being very on top of them, until the habits get built.

If it seems like you are struggling more than usual, it may be time for a drug change. I found everytime he had a significant growth spurt, we had to switch up meds.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a day where it is all just too much. Those are the days that you tell the family I'm going for a walk, and then you go and walk hard and fast, and sing at the top of your lungs, and when you get home you feel so much better.

(((and strength)))

I guess where it really starts to become irksome is when we're on any kind of schedule where we needed to leave *5 minutes ago*, you know? Getting ready for school, to go to the sitter, etc.

Ahh yes....this is always fun. My SOs boys (twins 10)both have challenges in this area. One is ADHD and the other mildly autistic with some other developmental delays. I always tell them the deadline to be in the car is 10 minutes prior to leaving. If they make it there is often some sort of reward. Stopping at the park, getting a cookie at the store. I don't tell them its a reward for being on time. They just sort of associate it with getting in the car on time. It just happens...sometimes but not always. It never happens if we are late.

One time, one of the boys got in the car late and with out shoes. We were on our way to the park (small neighborhood park) I left him sitting in the car sobbing while the other kids played for 30 minutes. He was hysterical. Sobbing and wailing. I sat in the car and watched the other boys play while he did this. Boy did that hit home for both of those boys. They do not mess around with getting out the door on time and properly dressed. Direct and meaningful consequences are key.

Another thing that I use sometimes is too much of a good thing. You want to play that video game and do it when you're not supposed to. Fine. That is the only game you're going to play for the next 3 months. No TV. No internet. Just that video game. Enjoy. Its really fun for them for few days...then they want to watch sponge bob or something equally awful. "nope. sorry. just that game you wanted"

And totally pick jrc's brain because she has a lot of experience and insight in dealing with SN kids.

But don't pick it too hard... sometimes it bleeds!

But seriously... You're getting a lot of good advice and you can contact me anytime.

However, when it comes to personal contact, we have the exact opposite issue. My son climbs into our bed and nestles under my arm every single night. He's a hugger and a kisser, and we have actually had to talk to him about being affectionate with his friends at school and letting them have their personal space.

Just wanted to point out, FP, that this can also be a sensory thing. I call my DD a heat-seeking missile - she craves physical contact. Always leaning, touching, cuddling, hugging, etc. When she was younger, she always wanted me to stroke her hair, rub her back... Very tactile.

When my DD now 11 was 4 she was diagnosed OCD. I was at my wits end trying to handle her fits. It was hard I felt it was from having my DS 23 months apart from her. It wasn't it was genetic. She was diagnosed ADD last year at her teachers request I had her tested. I was shocked she didn't have the hyper piece so it is often missed. She doesn't like to be touched and as a baby hated being held and rocked. She is still very tactile. This is the first I've heard of a correlation. It makes sense to me now. Thanks everyone for sharing the knowledge. My DS 9 was tested for IQ he was off the charts smart but 50% in attention span. The dr said most likely he also has ADD and might need to be medicated later. Glad I read this thread!

I have a SN son who is almost 12.

Have you had your son tested to see if he an central auditory processing disorder? Just a thought.

My son's occupational therapist has worked amazingly with my son to improve his memory recall.

Lists are also my son's best friend. I have a board in his room with a list of the things he has to each morning listed and what he needs to do each night. He ticks them off as he goes. For some people a photo/picture list might be better suited.

If I give him more then one instruction at a time he fails every. single. time. It's frustrating and painful! But it is what has to happen to be successful. He is improving as he gets older but ages 5-10 were the worst.

For example - go have a shower. Break it into steps, go get your pjs out, put pjs in the bathroom, go take your clothes off, run the shower, step in the shower, put soap on the wash cloth, wash your body, etc. Step by step is what works. I have now trained my son using this process it has taken many years but I can now say to him go have a shower and he knows what he has to do

My son is still very disorganised but he is learning every day to improve this. But absolutely pick your battles.

Goodluck.

Thanks, everybody.

I love this place!

I'd like to offer a suggestion regarding the towel dragging/puppy teasing.

Is the pup crate trained?

Can you just put him in his crate (or in a closed bedroom) until after bath time?

It changes the dynamic a bit.

t/j to flourgirl

She doesn't like to be touched and as a baby hated being held and rocked

^^^THIS was so hard for me to wrap my brain around as a new mother. Most parents can relate to each other's kids' quirks - you know, eating issues, sleeping issues.... so I couldn't believe that every time I tried to tell someone that my infant didn't like being held they looked at me like I was insane. It was a scary feeling - I thought I was doing something wrong. She would scream and cry and twist in my arms when I tried to hold or rock her. I'd lay her in bed and she'd zonk right out. Every time. If I tried a sleep sack she'd howl - and forget loose fitting pj's. OMG feety PJ's? You'd think they were electrified.

Nope, feetless, snug pants and a snug t-shirt, no stuffed animals or blankets in the bed, and she'd sleep soundly for 11 hours.

I think that something that has really benefitted our dynamic is me learning to let go of my expectations about how I think I'm supposed to "love" my daughter. We meet each other now. I'm gentle with her and know her needs for hugs, bathing, sitting on the couch, bedtime etc. In turn I can see her try to give hugs because she knows I ask for them sometimes. She takes a big breath, squinches her eyes, and puts her arms around my neck. For a sec. I always let her be in charge of the hugs.

She's so brave - I hope I can teach her that she doesn't have to go mainstream and behave like other kids to fit in. She is kind and smart. I have hope that everything else will be manageable as we work together.

an aversion to being touched that she has had since infancy. The fact that she seems overwhelmed by things ranging from hugs to the texture of blankets and tags on her clothes are pretty significant.

SID or SPD now - Sensory Integration/Processing Disorder:

http://www.spdfoundation.net/about-sensory-processing-disorder.html

Seems often comorbid with ADHD/OCD/ODD

I married into an 'alphabet' family ...

[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 12:29 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

This has been a very educational thread! Thanks so much FP for posting it, and thanks to all who have responded.

I have no great words of advice, but I can relate to SO MUCH. So many things to consider and implement in our house with DS9 - Aspie/ADHD/OCD. Totally relate.

an aversion to being touched that she has had since infancy. The fact that she seems overwhelmed by things ranging from hugs to the texture of blankets and tags on her clothes are pretty significant.

My son was this way as an infant as well.

He didnt/couldnt nurse (which was heartbreaking). He still dislikes hugs to this day. Even the way he holds a pen/pencil is "odd" in that he tries to have as little contact with the pen as possible.

@Jrazz - it was really hard when he was younger, but though it isn't perfect, my DS has grown into a sweet, caring young man with a ton of friends. Most people find him EXTREMELY charming and wouldn't know right off the bat that he's a SN young man. It is only as you talk with him more and observe his mannerisms over longer stretches of time that you can see some of the quirks.

DD seems to work at being ok with touch. She adores her aunt and will allow her to be close for longer periods than anyone else in the world.

Looking through all her pictures, you can see in so many how she's having a good time, but very tense when in close contact. Thanks for the link, TR. We are lucky that this does not really affect her functionality at all. She finds her own way to participate most of the time.

Oh, another interesting thing is that she has issues with certain types of sounds. You could pop a balloon near her and she would slowly turn her head with barely any interest or fear. Dog barking? No problem. BUT - if there's a lasting, consistent sound, she starts to get really upset and the sound either needs to stop or we have to get away from it. Soft, loud, it doesn't matter. Something about the duration and consistency is unsettling for her. She loves music, but it has to change constantly. If there's one note played over and over I watch her body still, and she will ask for me to make it stop.

Oh, and if anyone with an infant who doesn't like to be held is reading this, we found out a little later in the game that she really enjoyed her Bumbo. That way she didn't feel overwhelmed by touch. I think the cool, smooth surface was comforting. I also think she thought this seat was her mommy for a few months. (Always put on floors - never on a table or chair or raised surface.)

Oh, another interesting thing is that she has issues with certain types of sounds. You could pop a balloon near her and she would slowly turn her head with barely any interest or fear. Dog barking? No problem. BUT - if there's a lasting, consistent sound, she starts to get really upset and the sound either needs to stop or we have to get away from it. Soft, loud, it doesn't matter. Something about the duration and consistency is unsettling for her. She loves music, but it has to change constantly. If there's one note played over and over I watch her body still, and she will ask for me to make it stop.

My son also is not a huge fan of noise, thought that's lessened as he's aged. He still doesn't like some noises, but it's mostly confined to the same stuff none of us like: babies crying, tornado sirens, fire sirens, etc.

Oh how I relate to this.

an ave

rsion to being touched that she has had since infancy. The fact that she seems overwhelmed by things ranging from hugs to the texture of blankets and tags on her clothes are pretty significant.

My son was this way as an infant as well.

He didnt/couldnt nurse (which was heartbreaking). He still dislikes hugs to this day. Even the way he holds a pen/pencil is "odd" in that he tries to have as little contact with the pen as possible.

My son was like this he loved to be papoosed but hated being held an snuggled It was so hard coming from a family where it was considered abnormal to not be constantly touching and hugging. We figured it out though. And when he was sick he really didn't want anyone to hold him. He would actually put himself to bed and sleep until he was well. Still does but thank god he loves to hug now an at 6'2" it's wonderful.

Even my DD had issues with being snuggled. Still isn't a big hugger, except when she is sick. And if you tried to papoose that baby she would wiggle, rootch, and fight to get her hands free and as soon as they were out she would go sound asleep. Lol.

My mom thought I had the weirdest kids ever I'm just happy that we were smart enough to not fight hat they needed to feel good.

Oh and the bumbo we didn't have those but my aspie boy loved his walker and I think it was for the same reason. Allowed him to be upright and engaged without the need of being held.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 8:26 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

Our son is 11 and it's still a fight every night. I have discussed it with his doc (who I like a lot) and basically it's about accepting that this is how life is going to be until he's a teenager and developing coping mechanisms and strategies for us to deal with it.

Unfortunately that doesn't make it any less exhausting.

If you haven't been there, check out additudemag.com, it has a lot of useful resources and suggestions. Though it's soul-draining to look at the long list of shit to try and realize you've already gone down through almost all of them.

He will take over an hour to wash face and hands, get changed and brush teeth - with clothes provided. Unless I stand there and count at him. I don't want to do that, I want him to do it on his own - but the fact is, he is not capable, even though his little brother will get all of that done and a bunch of other shit besides, in five minutes.

It's really just a hard road that is going to go on for a long time. I wish I was better at it, myself.

My little ADHDemon (jokingly, of course)

[This message edited by FacePunched at 10:04 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

He's beautiful.

(Which is probably a good thing, otherwise most parents would eat their young, LOL!)

He will take over an hour to wash face and hands, get changed and brush teeth - with clothes provided. Unless I stand there and count at him. I don't want to do that, I want him to do it on his own - but the fact is, he is not capable, even though his little brother will get all of that done and a bunch of other shit besides, in five minutes.

Right. And for me the mental struggle is always, "Well, he'll never learn if I always help him." vs. "It cannot take an hour to do this. It's just not acceptable."