SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have often wondered how all these shenanigans get started. From reading these posts and taking to others, it seems so common. Yet, I have never been approached or even felt an opportunity to engage in such behavior. I am an attractive, outgoing blonde who looks younger than my age... So I am told. But never has the opportunity presented itself, or has any man propositioned me.

Why is that?? How do these things happen?

How do these things happen?

People are looking for them to start with, and create opportunities. I don't believe the opportunity exists in isolation - not acted on it dies.

If you have strong boundaries, men, for the most part, won't go there. There are way too many easy peasy options. I believe that people send off a vibe and act in such away that others know who has weak boundaries.

When I was younger and in committed relationships, I was a flirt. If a man made an innuendo I would giggle or respond accordingly. It was a game to me, but if I wanted to take it a step further, I am sure most of these guys would have tapped that. And, some tried.

As I matured and got married and had a child, I finally realized that was inappropriate behaviour. It is just wrong for married people to be flirting. You are sending the wrong message.

TS68, if you started flirting with men, I bet you will be propositioned all. the. time.

Why is that?? How do these things happen?

This is the very reason why affairs are choices not mistakes. I've worked in places where cheating is a problem. It sometimes takes work. I watched some very aggressive men and women work on each other and it was disgusting. Sometimes opportunity drops in your lap, other times you need to push it. It starts as lunch. Goes to other things. It may be hard to explain but I've seen it happen.

Add that to getting a little too drunk during happy hour and it's way easier.

You don't send off the cheater vibe... The opportunities are there, you just don't let them get to you. You probably wear your boundaries on your sleeve. So that element doesn't approach you. Any hint of availability... And you'll get all sorts of propositions.

I made the mistake of mentioning my "ex girlfriend" at work (after my first marriage ended with infidelity, i tried that avenue - that also ended the same way... ) and some men heard it... And they took that to mean I was a "slut who sleeps with anything". And the propositions came in like gang busters... Single guys, married guys... It was disgusting.

TS68,

You have strong boundaries, and carry yourself with self respect. And you likely don't notice openings when they are present because you do not think the way that cheaters do.

If you have strong boundaries, men, for the most part, won't go there. There are way too many easy peasy options. I believe that people send off a vibe and act in such away that others know who has weak boundaries

I have noticed that now that I own my bounderies and maintain a certain distance, that I am not flirted with or anything like that.

Before I thought innocent flirting and banter was ok, it was normal for me. I felt good when I gave it and it felt good to recieve it. I didn't understand how distructive it was.

I'm also a firm believer in don't shit where you eat. I'm a career woman, while my marriage has it's issues I refuse to throw away both. That is way too much drama.

Cheating is a series of bad choices. People can stop whenever they want but choose not to.

I am exactly where you are...I have had opportunities, but is a choice! I never would have let any man take my life or family away! My WS, on the other hand, choice differently!

It started with a conversation between a struggling, needy, weak married man who was hiding his insecurities and a selfish, needy, weak single woman looking for a chance at romance, sex and a sperm donor.

I believe people who don't cheat, put up a stop sign that gets the message out there. I can spot a cheater, they are usually pretty obvious, boundary stomping they are. I've had men attempt, but.I don't bite the hook. My ws insists he doesn't flirt but he doesn't stop when it when a woman is with him. Looking back at our M years,there have been instances where a woman said, your married? I didnt know that. One was 2 yrs after we were married. A young girl that worked at a convenience store by our home that ws stopped at every mornig to get coffee. On a Sat I asked him to go get a jar of baby food for our son. When he went to the check out, she asked who's this for? He said my baby and then she said, your married?? After that she was not friendly anymore. I now get it, he had flirted with her every day and she felt like he was presenting himself as single.

I've seen very good looking married men that you would think would get hit on a lot, but they don't put that vibe out there so women just know, he's not biting.

I'm a firm believer in this.

Prior to dday I never say the opportunities. FWW saw a couple and pointed them out to me and I did not believe her, but now know that she was right. Since dday I recognize and see the signs.

As others posted, prior to dday FWW would flirt with men and loved the attention. For some it was just flirting, for others they were fishing.

If you have strong boundaries, men, for the most part, won't go there. There are way too many easy peasy options. I believe that people send off a vibe and act in such away that others know who has weak boundaries.

I agree 100% with this as well. There probably were men who dropped hints but you didn't see them because you didn't need them. Be proud!

I've got a married friend that I swear has a neon flashing light on his forehead. Some affairs, I assume, just "happen" because of circumstances, more stupid accidents than anything else.

Most are self absorbed people actively looking for it because, bottom line, they think they can get away with it.

I have had a handful of opportunities to cheat. I chose my morals and integrity over a cheap roll in the hay. I chose NOT intentionally destroy my marriage by cheating.

As I think back to the opportunities I had, it all stared with light flirtty banter, sexual jokes, compliments, invites to have a drink, go to lunch, meet for coffee, etc. Had I accepted the invites from these other men I would have no doubt that they would have considered it a sign of sorts to start up an a. But I knew my boundaries and decided that my marriage and h meant a lot more to me. I DID NOT ALLOW THE OPPORTUNITY TO LET IT GO ANY FURTHER.

That in itself is the difference between cheaters and BS's. The cheater chooses to allow the affair foreplay until they are so sucked up into it that all integrity goes out the window. Simply put, the cheater thrives on the opportunity that is there in front of them where the person with integrity and respect for oneself and their spouse can, will, and does walk away from it. I know this because I did walk away many times.

In my WH's case he actively sought out the opportunity. He convinced himself that he was a victim (we argued about politics and his porn addiction) and he decided to be selfish because he could get away with it. For him, I think it was all about ego, narcissism and delusional thinking.

I have never been interested in an A so I never put myself in the position to seek out the opportunity.

they are usually pretty obvious,

I agree, Ostrich. That is one of the reasons my FWH never introduced me to his ho-worker. Even though he introduced me to his co-workers all the time. He knows I have male and female slutdar. Except when it came to him.

It is about boundaries. If you set them, it can be seen a mile away. I ran track in high school and college. 1996 was the year track briefs hit the high school scene. A bunch of big booty girls running around in essentially panties and a tank top. I NEVER and I mean NEVER was approached and hounded like some of my team mates. They may have starred, but never came to me with anything crazy. During my high school reunion, some of the guys teased that I walked around like I have a tech 9 in my track jacket..and any boy that came to talk to me was gonna get capped, so they stayed away! LOL!! I never noticed. In my mind, at the time, I was tryna get to the 2000 Olympics, if you couldnt help me with that, then what do we need to talk for? LOL

I don't really think it's about opportunities. It's about who you are.

If you're broken, you create the opportunities, because of your stunted coping mechanisms, entitlement, whatever.

But if you have healthy boundaries, even if you're the most attractive, confident person there is--you don't send out a vibe of wanting something inappropriate, so it doesn't come your way or show on your radar.

Really embarrassing and showing my ignorance, but before DDay, I did not see many "signs" around potential cheaters. I never really looked around or noticed. Now, I see cheater signs over so many people. The look, the language, the leading conversations, and the desperate looking people in bars while you wait for a resturant table. Ugh, how did I miss this crap?