SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My blood is boiling again. My friend here in town just sent me a message asking what my ex's name was because there was a guy looking at her profile on OLD and he looked familiar to her. So I pulled up his profile. Not that it freaking matters why I'm on there, but I reactivated my profile one night when I was feeling lonely to check to see whether he was on there or not. He wasn't. But he definitely is now. He has listed himself as strictly monogamous. His profile says that he always keeps his promises. His profile says that he's always open with his feelings, and he tries to listen to the other person's point of view. He said that he would never date someone just for sex. WTF. Yeah, I'm sure monogamous includes sleeping with two other girls while being in a relationship. He told me that the second OW was just sex for 4 months, and he never wanted to actually date her. Promises? He broke every single one of them to me. Open with his feelings? That's a bunch of BS. He claims he cheated because he didn't know how to be open with his feelings. But you know what, if I didn't know him I would totally contact him. Girls are going to eat that crap up online, and he'll get to be the perfect guy again. And the girl will tell him what an amazing guy he is. He's trying to date while swearing his love to me. He told me two days ago that he couldn't ever imagine ever being with someone else again. And he's got a freaking dating profile. What a freaking hypocrite.

I have never cared when exes start dating in the past. My last relationship was 4.5 years, and the guy started dating one of my friends probably 3 weeks after we broke up. It didn't faze me at all. I was happy for them! They're engaged now. Why in the world is my xwBF dating again bothering me so much? It's not like it's the first time he's been with another woman since me since he cheated on me. So why in the world does it bother me this much? It is abnormal feelings on my part. I have not been like this in the past. This relationship was a year of happiness and a year of trying to make it work after Dday. Why is it hurting me so much worse than my prior longer relationships?

I'm so sorry you're hurting, it is such a horrible helpless feeling. When WH and I separated after his first A, I found him on POF and was LIVID. I know what you mean when you say you don't know why it bothered you so much, cause yes its not like it would be the first person he would have hooked up with, I think it got to me so much because it was horribly unfair to think of him moving on so quickly and getting to be happy with someone new after wrecking me! When I found his profile, I tried all of his old passwords until I picked the winner and edited his profile LOL. I changed his status to Man Seeking Man and added some humiliating things to his personal description HAHAHAHA!

You just ended the relationship 2 months ago. It is obvious that you still have some mourning of the relationship to do and at 2 months I think many people would be still mourning.

So maybe start by not checking up on him. If he is online so be it. If he is lying, does that surprise you? He is what he is and you know what he is so time to push him aside and move forward.

Not that it freaking matters why I'm on there, but I reactivated my profile one night when I was feeling lonely to check to see whether he was on there or not. He wasn't. But he definitely is now.

I know that you are drawn to find out more, like picking at a scab. But don't. Delete the profile--don't just deactivate it, delete it fully. The sooner you accept that he is a liar, that he is going to act in this way as if nothing in the past mattered, that he is and always will be a hypocrite looking for his next victim while tormenting his old one, the sooner you will be free.

I'm sorry. But you have to let go. NC=No new hurts, and looking at his profile is a type of contact here.

Why is it hurting me so much worse than my prior longer relationships?

Because you keep picking the scab off to reveal fresh new pain.

What you are doing is the opposite of NC. You wallowing in the pain of it. Yes, you should feel what you feel, then move on.

Knowing this stuff hurts you. You have said it many times. Stop looking. Stop reactivating accounts to find him and see what he is doing.

BLOCK him. On your phone, your email, etc.

Change your user names. He knows yours. You know he knows yours. You post knowing he knows and may possibly be reading.

The best way to allow healing is to create space and distance between that life and your new life. Turning around and looking at your old life all the time is not creating distance.

DETACH. NC.

You'll say, "But HE contacts ME." Shut that down. Stop it. Block his number/email. Change your number/email.

The same answer will continue, DETACH. NC.

When I found his profile, I tried all of his old passwords until I picked the winner and edited his profile LOL. I changed his status to Man Seeking Man and added some humiliating things to his personal description HAHAHAHA!

Oh man I wish I could do that. That's great.

I just hit hide. That way he can't see me and I can't see him. And then I'm going to deactivate mine again after work. I thought maybe dating would help distract me. But I very strongly feel like he's a huge hypocrite for dating. He claims that he changed and blah blah, but he's moving on to another girl so quickly. Just like in the past. He shouldn't be dating while he has feelings for me. And the moment those thoughts went through my head, I realized I'm doing the same thing. Just because I'm the BS doesn't give me any right to do something that I think makes him look bad. I shouldn't be dating either as long as I have feelings for him. Sigh...my friend said that I've been slowly disengaging for the past year even though it's only been official for 3 months. But I clearly still have feelings for him if seeing his profile makes me feel this way.

So how do I get over him? How do I reach indifference? And why is this breakup worse than previous ones?

You'll say, "But HE contacts ME." Shut that down. Stop it. Block his number/email. Change your number/email.

I have blocked his email and phone number, and I'm changing my phone number this weekend.

I get NC... But I didn't need NC in prior breakups. I don't understand the difference.

I'm sorry I'm complaining so much. We weren't married, and I imagine it's a lot worse if you were married,

I think this breakup is worse because he's making it worse. Because he won't let you heal. Because his lies have made you doubt yourself. Because his hoovering feels on some levels good and validating.

He is clearly an expert at this, at manipulating the feelings of others to get off on his own power. It makes perfect sense to me that he has done such a number on you. You keep on saying with other exes, you've wished them well, with other exes, you've stayed friendly. Well, those exes weren't aren't sociopaths. They treated you with respect. They didn't yank you around. This is not a normal relationship or a normal breakup and it is more difficult as a result.

You are still in the thick of it. Time, and distance, will give you clarity and the peace to heal. And you will heal.

Right now, it isn't really over. It's not two months out from the end--it's still the death throes. That's why the pain is so fresh and stinging.

I did it wrong when we separated, I looked back constantly and checked up on him, it was only hurting me though and delaying my healing. I agree with everyone else, even though I was doing it wrong, the right way would have been to stop looking back and NC.

I do still chuckle though and am glad I got to burn him a little LOL

Also...I wasn't married, and I complained here tons, and was really suffering. Don't apologize. It doesn't reach the awfulness of a contentious divorce or co-parenting, but for me, it was a truly searing experience. Just because you were only dating, doesn't mean you don't still hurt to a huge degree.

Ok, LG. I've read your posts this past week. I think you need to use your head. You are clearly a very intelligent woman. Act like it. (Gentle 2x4)

This man was arrested for stalking a woman prior(during?) your relationship with him. I know you have defended him, saying he wasn't stalking her. Um....HE IS STALKING YOU!!! First with the first support site you found...then here..(still here, Im sure)...now he is trying to get close to women who are YOUR friends...women who are in this social group of yours...he refuses to respect your many demands of NC. He creates email accounts to get around the blocks you've put in place.

This man is abusive. He is dangerous. HE IS STALKING YOU.

I get that you don't want to file a RO. You feel you would be embarrassed. Um..better embarrassed thank stalked..or dead..or raped..or whatever else his crazy mind comes up with.

He is unstable. He is unpredictable. You need to stop worrying about how the other lawyers or judges may view you(which, BTW, I would imagine these people have come to "know" you and respect you, so I would guess they would have compassion for you and would be willing to help you get this crazy man away from you). Start worrying about how your parents might feel if you disappear. Seriously. This guy has given me a bad vibe from your very first post. Nothing you have said, or that he said, has changed that.

You need to protect yourself. If you won't do it for you, do it for your friends and family who love you. Keep YOU safe!

(((((LG)))))

Read these and you'll start to see why *this* relationship is so different from your others:

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/category/because-youre-special/

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2012/04/17/psychopaths-and-stalking/

I read those articles, and I do identify some with them. I just bought a book about ending a relationship with a person who has borderline personality disorder. It's called boomerang love. I'm hoping maybe that will help.

I just feel angry at the unfairness of it all. I have to live with the betrayal and mistrust issues now, and he gets to just be the perfect guy again to some new girl. It's unfair. And I know, life's unfair.

Reading his profile also scares me for when I do start dating. People can just lie so easily. He's going to get a ton of responses to his profile. It's one of the best ones on there.

He won't be the perfect guy for ANY woman. He is a liar, a cheater, a stalker, and has NOT looked at fixing his issues.

The next girl? Will wind up just like you. Every girl he is with will wind up just like you...until he works on himself.

Feel sorry for the next girl. He will hurt her just as he hurt you.

ETA: I can't help but feel he feeds off of your posts here. He knows he is getting to you. It's all a game to him..and your heart is paying the price. He is manipulative and cruel. I don't think you should stop posting..but you can speak privately with a mod and maybe they will change your name for you..it might make it harder for him to find you.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:57 AM, March 21st (Friday)]

ETA: I can't help but feel he feeds off of your posts here. He knows he is getting to you. It's all a game to him..and your heart is paying the price. He is manipulative and cruel. I don't think you should stop posting..but you can speak privately with a mod and maybe they will change your name for you..it might make it harder for him to find you.

I considered that, but it feels like letting him win. I have an identity on here. People know me, and know my story. He's taken so much from me. If I change my name, it feels like that's something else he's taking from me. I don't know if that makes sense or not...

I considered that, but it feels like letting him win. I have an identity on here. People know me, and know my story. He's taken so much from me. If I change my name, it feels like that's something else he's taking from me. I don't know if that makes sense or not...

I get this--but better loose your username than your sanity! You could pick something upbeat, like LonelyNoMore (well, not that, but you get the idea). Of course he may be able to figure it out anyway but if you changed certain details while keeping the essentials true that would be harder to do. I know it feels like defeat, but I don't see it that way--just as being willing to protect yourself.

I know it feels like defeat, but I don't see it that way--just as being willing to protect yourself.

It just feels like losing something else. I am changing my phone number so that he can't contact me again. He reads my stuff on here, but he's not contacting me on here. And it's not like I'm saying nice things about him or limiting what I say because I know he's reading. I guess I see it as me being strong and declaring that he is not going to take SI away from me... Maybe that's dumb.

I've been thinking about all this all day. I want to move on and reach indifference. I don't want to allow his betrayal to define me. I don't want to have a conversation in the future with a new guy explaining everything that my ex did to me. I want to put it in my past, and move past it. I want someday to be able to trust what a man says to me without wondering what his ulterior motives are. I used to be an optimistic person. My xwBF told me at the beginning of our relationship that he liked how I always saw the positive in people.

This isn't the first time that I've been cheated on, but it is the first time that I've been this bitter about it. When a guy has cheated in the past, I've just ended it immediately and said that's that. But even after that stuff happened, I still believed in love and I still believed that there was someone out there for me. I was an optimistic person. Now I feel bitter and jaded. I feel like I'm letting what he did define me as a person.

I want to be happy again. I have moments of clarity where I realize that he won't find another girl as good as I am. I'm not a model like OW, but I am very attractive. I'm smart, and I have a good career. I'm entertaining, and fun to be around. I have good morals. And I treated him really well. I listened to him, and I treated him with love. I am an overall good package. He said that it's my loss. But it's not my loss. It is his loss. He could have married me. And he screwed it up by having sex with other girls. It is definitely his loss.

I want to be happy again. I have moments of clarity where I realize that he won't find another girl as good as I am. I'm not a model like OW, but I am very attractive. I'm smart, and I have a good career. I'm entertaining, and fun to be around. I have good morals. And I treated him really well. I listened to him, and I treated him with love. I am an overall good package. He said that it's my loss. But it's not my loss. It is his loss. He could have married me. And he screwed it up by having sex with other girls. It is definitely his loss.

I realize that you intended this paragraph to be about you, but it turned out to be all about him.

You are focusing all your thoughts and energy on him. That may be what is different this time as opposed to other relationships you have had.

Take the focus off him. Put the focus on you. When even a thought of him enters your head, push it out, don't dwell. Don't get mired in the "he will never find someone" or "he will lie to these women". All of this is none of your business now. Focus on you. What do YOU want?

Focus on you. What do YOU want?

I want to reach a point where my heart doesn't speed up when I hear his name. I want to feel indifferent. I want to move on in the future, and get married and be happy.

It's still about him though... I don't know how to make it about me I guess. What do I want? I want to meet a good man that I can trust. I want to be focused at work. I want to laugh with friends.

I feel like I'm two people sometimes. I'm going through all the actions about what I should be doing, like hobbies and friends and meetup groups. But I feel detached from it all.

LG, he is a disordered person who has subjected you to abuse. I can tell this by the way you post about him -- you're always defending and justifying yourself against some crazy shit he's said to or about you.

You were in the wrong place at the wrong time and met a fucked-up individual. He did and is doing the same thing to you that he did to that chick before you -- right down to the stalking crap. And as C6 pointed out, he's going to do the same shit to the next chick.

I agree with NOT changing your name......he'll find you anyway. I almost think that he would see that as a *challenge*. (that whole control thing again) Fuck him. Change you name if, and only if, you WANT to change it.

As for the OLD thing.....I'll browse around (in hidden mode/with chat off/my profile has no pictures and almost zero personal information) just for kicks and giggles because a lot of those profiles and pictures are hilarious. But the day that I came across one for a guy that I actually know solidified for me that OLD is most likely not gonna be for me (once I dip my toe back into the dating world anyway). So the guy I mentioned. Had a *normal* profile and a picture that didn't feature a fish. Problem is that he *reads* as an okay guy -- but I know that he is anything but. He is an abusive, crazy asshole -- one of the last straws for his marriage was when he pushed his wife's dad, who then fell down the stairs and had to be taken to the hospital. I know that there are probably lots of good people on OLD, but I've had enough *cray cray* to last me a lifetime.