SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lots of good advice here jipt. Glad to see blakesteele weighed in. Your stories have some similarities. He has bee posting for a while and has done a great deal of introspection.

Finally, I recall another guy who was here. I recall his name but won't name him. He was pandering to his WS, back-pedaling and making excuses for her. She was trying to pin the blame on him. He doesn't come here anymore but if he does I suspect it will be to say that a) his wife is still not remorseful or b) she has had another A. Bottom line: what he was doing was not going to work - ever. I do think you GET this. Its now a matter of implementing. We are rooting for you!

LA44 what is jipt? Thanks for the encouragement. I unfortunately know what I have to do to preserve myself. I have IC tommorrow and will discuss how to stay focussed. My counselor got me to realize I needed to inform my wife what I needed. I went home and said "I love you but I have some unmet needs as your husband physically (not sex though she thought this), emotionally, and mentally. I said I need you to come back to church and I need you to start IC."

We didn't talk for 3 days and then she said she refused both to which I back pedalled. I know I know don;t say it: Bad Call. No courage. I am seeing from the posts that if I do nothing the M may survive but I will suffer or if I stand behind healthy boundries: the M may survive with a lot of work or the M may fail but I will be allowed to keep my sanity.

I'm getting closer. The advise and encouragement are helping. IC tommorrow should help me formulate my thinking. I just am not sure if I should file then place boundries (again) or place boundries and then....never mind, I've placed boundries 10 times to no avail. My only option is to file and let my WW response decide the next move.

LA44 what is jipt?

Sorry! jipt is your "handle" - initials only, JustInPainToday! I do it to be quicker. But I don't have too if it bothers you.

Okay...no lectures from me. I hope tomorrow's IC's session will be very helpful for you. I recall my IC being somewhat....skeptical about me posting on a site dedicated to A's but I assured her that it was very helpful, that I am aware that some people project and that I get a lot of "aha" moments from it. Excellent reading material too in the Healing Library.

Keep us posted justinpaintoday!

Thanks....jipt works for me. (ceretainly been called worse :)

Courage.

I lacked this too.

God has and is usug this trial to make me courageous.

I pray for courage a LOT. Looking back, I see God was at work within me all along.......sometimes through other people, sometimes by presenting another trial I had to "courage up" all in my own.

While, as LA44 and my PM to you indicated, we share a similar start to this journey......you are finding truths and being honest months ahead than I did.

This bodes well for you.

Your wife? Pray for her but don't enable or take the burden of her sin on your shoulders. You have your own to shoulder..... Suspect you will uncover things about yourself you need to repent from. Your energy is better spent on things you can change and mature.....you.

If you have a good IC they will guide you to healing.....but you will need regular courage to do this as well.

Keep in check and analyze every choice you are thinking about making. Feelings aren't right or wrong.....choices made based on those feelings are what determine if it is sin or not.

(Sin = destructive). (Healthy = constructive).

Might help to think about what each of your actions are "fighting for". Actions that minimize your pain and enable your wife's sin are NOT worth doing.

I am still working in forgiving myself for my actions immediately following my DD's. (Yep, plural.).

Also helped me put my oldest daughter in my shoes......how I would feel if my daughter "fought for her M" in the way I started to. Talk about making it real!!!! Watching my daughter beg her husband to stay with get while he tells her he just doesn't know what he wants. Dreadful! .......and that is part of me now . A part that I choose then, and will not chose again. I know this. My wife knows this. It is how we are called to serve.

God is with us all.

I had to focus on the actions, not the words. My WS showed no remorse, talked like he was on the fence, but he told me to leave when I confronted him on the affair, he refused to go into counseling and was blaming it all on me.

I filed for divorce about 6 weeks after Dday. His actions told me there was no reconciliation. My hand shook and I cried when I signed the papers but I know, for me, it was the best thing I could have done. Not easy, and very painful for me.

I do not consider myself a very courageous person, but somewhere there is a core of strength. You have it too, trust it.

So glad you are working with a counselor and have found this site. You are not alone and there is so much support here for you.

For many it is simply too emotional to look your wife in the eye and make demands. Often she sees through your sadness and recognizes that your heart isn't in the demands.

As everyone has stated, you need to put yourself back in the driver's seat. There's only one way to do this and it is to take a solid stand that defines what YOU need. It may be too difficult for you to do this effectively through words.

Write out exactly what you need, your requirements for reconciliation. Begin your list with absolute, 100% no contact. Transparency. Independent counseling. These are non-negotiable. You don't need to make the list exhaustive but it should be clear.

Then, have the divorce paperwork in your hand. Give your list to her and simply tell her that these are your requirements. It is what you expect of her and the list is non-negotiable. If she wants to save the marriage and do the hard work necessary then she needs to agree. If she reads through the list and says, "No," then hand her the divorce paperwork. This only means that things are proceeding toward divorce - but she isn't going to recognize that it can be stopped if necessary.

Then walk away and see what happens. Maybe she takes an hour, or a day, to think it over. Maybe she packs her bags and leaves. Maybe she curls up in a ball and realizes that she's just thrown her marriage in the toilet. Whatever it is that happens - YOU DO NOT COME BACK TO HER! You continue with the 180.... you're not there to console her, make her feel better, be a shoulder to cry on.

It is now on HER. It is HER time to run after you. To beg. To openly offer your transparency. To ask you if her no contact letters are sufficient. It is HER time to commit.

It is time for you to turn the tables and begin showing her that she no longer determines the fate of the marriage. She's either in or she's out.

I know how hard it is. But it is time to man up, grow a pair and stand up for yourself.

You know what? You might be surprised by her reaction.

I wish you luck.

Thank you everyone...I saw my attorney and he is beginning the paperwork. I absolutely do not want this in my heart but my mind has made it pretty clear that with no commitment around transparency and IC from WW I woul dbe destined for a life of pain. Her desire to rugsweep and not truly work on the issues is sad but reality.

Blake: Thank you for the wisdom:

Your wife? Pray for her but don't enable or take the burden of her sin on your shoulders. You have your own to shoulder..... Suspect you will uncover things about yourself you need to repent from. Your energy is better spent on things you can change and mature.....you.

I do pray constantly. Even though I filed does not mean I am not hopeful for R. I hope it will knock her out of the fog but either way it is the healthy thing for me and my children.

I filed knowing I was honorable until the end. I forgave (w/out full disclosure), I supported and encouraged. I was and still willing to do everything "I" can other then begging and pleading for her to do the honorable things.

I have read Codependant know more and will check out Dobson Tough Love book as well. Thank you to all and I will keep you posted on progress. I still stay in this forum because I am so new and raw, and the D has only just begun.

You are doing great JustinPain. This is such a hard road to walk but at least we, the ones who have been betrayed, can walk it knowing we have done our best.

Stay strong, know your own worth, and accept nothing less than respect and remorse from your wife. If she can't give that to you, it will hurt, but it is not about you in the end; she will be the one who has failed.

Hang in there.