Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: FaithGrace

Reconciliation :
Did I catch him in the act?

This Topic is Archived
default

 EB1541 (original poster member #42143) posted at 5:21 PM on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

Okay so last night he had to me he was planning on going to a friends house(a coworker) to play pool and drink. I simply asked, "who is going to be there?" He instantly got irritated and annoyed. He said, "idk who will be there.. it's hard to tell." I could tell he was upset. It was 9pm by this time. I asked if could go get some food for me really fast before he left and said "sure..."

So then he comes back with the food, sit on the couch, throws his shoes and hat off and said I'm not going anywhere. He said he doesn't want to feel like he's being accused of something. And pretty much gave me the silent treatment after words. It's now almost 10am and still haven't talked(he is still sleeping)

I feel like he was going to go out and do something wrong and I ruined his plans because I asked him to go get food. And that's the the real reason he stayed home? Idk. Any opinions? Or am I just nuts?

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 23 his age:27
One wonderful son together

posts: 90   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 6741468
default

Flatlined123 ( member #35862) posted at 5:26 PM on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

Sounds to me like he's definitely pissy over something.

Me: BS H: WS4 kids DD #1 7-11-08DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.Started R in 12-09"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

posts: 1084   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2012
id 6741473
default

deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 5:39 PM on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

Go with your gut here. Something is off or he would not have reacted this way.

Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.

posts: 3352   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6741486
default

 EB1541 (original poster member #42143) posted at 5:41 PM on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

Thanks. He was definitely acting weird... it just makes me upset we are supposed to be in R. I wish I could know the truth...

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 23 his age:27
One wonderful son together

posts: 90   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 6741488
default

brokensmile322 ( member #35758) posted at 5:50 PM on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

If your dday was Jan of this year, I would not want him hanging out with coworkers by himself or anyone else for that matter until we were strongly in R.

Is this person a friend of the M? Why weren't you invited? The cranky attitude is not conducive to R, IMHO.

Are you guys in IC and/or MC?

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

posts: 2040   ·   registered: Jun. 5th, 2012
id 6741503
default

 EB1541 (original poster member #42143) posted at 6:01 PM on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

Brokensmile. I tell him im not comfortable with him going out alone but he still goes. He never invites me to these types of things. His reasoning is that we wouldn't have anyone to watch our son. That's what he says everytime I ask.

I am in IC. He is not.

[This message edited by EB1541 at 12:06 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 23 his age:27
One wonderful son together

posts: 90   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 6741515
default

Morhurt ( member #40166) posted at 8:07 PM on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

I'm so sorry. :(

Honestly and gently, him going out to drink and play pool this soon after DDay is not a good sign. You want to R but I think he wants to rug sweep and cake eat. A remorseful WS is unlikely to think going out and drinking is acceptable never mind being pissy because you asked who would be there.

I would suggest reading up on the 180.

((hugs))

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

posts: 1127   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 6741605
default

 EB1541 (original poster member #42143) posted at 8:13 PM on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

Thank you! I will definitely have to read up one the 180. I tried before and it wasn't working so I quit.

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 23 his age:27
One wonderful son together

posts: 90   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 6741610
default

justme1264 ( member #42890) posted at 8:16 PM on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

I say figure out the best way to talk to him. I think us BSs really becoming experts at understanding our WS is vital to R (be it complete R or D) the more I see and hear about people's experiences. It has to go waaaaaay beyond trying to make "sense" of things. we have to understand. And to me, it literally means being able to see all reality. Only then can we make informed conclusions. Your gut is telling you something and you should really pay attention to it.

Thing is, we have to be so intune with our own self before we can hope to understand their reality. It is tough. I feel for you. But only you know your marriage and your spouse.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 2:18 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]

34 - BS - Divorced

posts: 872   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2014   ·   location: Southern California
id 6741614
default

dancinginthedark ( new member #32371) posted at 8:24 PM on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

The angry response seems to indicate guilt. So sorry. Can you find out if there actually was a gathering?

posts: 34   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2011
id 6741623
default

 EB1541 (original poster member #42143) posted at 8:25 PM on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

I just read up on the 180 again. I am doing the total opposite. I am going to try very hard to implement the 180 with everything I have.

I care too much and ask too much. I think the 180 will definitely help me move on and make myself happier. And if it checks him back into reality that's great. And if not, then it's not worth it to stay with him if he doesn't care..

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 23 his age:27
One wonderful son together

posts: 90   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 6741624
default

Alexisk17 ( member #39566) posted at 8:43 PM on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

Just remember that 180 is for you and your son, not for him. It's not easy but I found it a much more peaceful place to be xoxo

BS (me) - 30
WH - 30
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R since: May 2013
WH's EA lasted two months and turned PA once we separated.

posts: 189   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 6741633
default

Random thoughts ( member #2959) posted at 9:00 PM on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

Sorry EB1541,

But you can't be in a R, if your spouse is acting like he's single. He should be working on your relationship and not going over to his friend's house to hang out.

He doesn't get to go out and leave you and the baby at home with the excuse of who's gonna watch him..

He doesn't get it yet as to what he has done to your relationship, the lost of trust is not gained with an I'm sorry but with actions and from what you posted his actions with the childish silent treatment says he hasn't learn anything but to play the victim to your unforgiving heart.

Watch and listen to his words and action.

Those three words are said too much and not enough.Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.FWW

posts: 1684   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2003   ·   location: Some where in New Jersey
id 6741645
default

 EB1541 (original poster member #42143) posted at 3:51 AM on Monday, March 31st, 2014

Does the 180 make it easier for him to get away with things? Since I won't be texting him,,questioning him or asking for reassurance from him?

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 23 his age:27
One wonderful son together

posts: 90   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 6741983
default

 EB1541 (original poster member #42143) posted at 3:53 AM on Monday, March 31st, 2014

Like right now he said he is playing basketball with his coworkers. Should I not text him at all? And ask no questions?

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 23 his age:27
One wonderful son together

posts: 90   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 6741986
default

brokensmile322 ( member #35758) posted at 4:03 AM on Monday, March 31st, 2014

If you are going to do the 180, no, you would not contact him at all. And yes, he could be doing anything and getting away with things as you put it.

But the 180 is not to try to evoke a reaction from him. It is for you, to get strong.

If you are going to do the 180, you have to be willing to lose your M. You have to let go of the outcome.

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

posts: 2040   ·   registered: Jun. 5th, 2012
id 6741993
default

Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 4:06 AM on Monday, March 31st, 2014

I would at least be working on the 180 in this case... he's acting like a petulant teenager.

I feel like he was going to go out and do something wrong and I ruined his plans because I asked him to go get food.

That's exactly what this was. If he were doing something honorable, he would be relieved to tell you about his plans. I don't know what he was planning, but it certainly wasn't kosher.

(((EB1541)))

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6741999
default

 EB1541 (original poster member #42143) posted at 4:41 AM on Monday, March 31st, 2014

Thanks for that advice and explanation of the 180. That will really help me. I think that I actually understand the 180 now:) thanks for all the support guys.

The line that hit the most is that, "you must be willing to lose your marriage. "

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 23 his age:27
One wonderful son together

posts: 90   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 6742036
default

IWantDoOver ( member #39440) posted at 2:02 PM on Monday, March 31st, 2014

The 180 allows you to take a step back, detach, and look at your M overall.

His reasoning is that we wouldn't have anyone to watch our son. That's what he says everytime I ask.

Contact your neighbors, church, community resource center, YMCA, etc. and start to generate a list of babysitters.

Your babysitter list will become invaluable if/when the two of begin R. You need to have resources at your fingertips so "lack of babysitting" can never again used as an excuse to bail on Quality Time as a couple.

Also invaluable in case of emergency. Interview sitters now, so you've goth them when you need them!

Also strengthen your Mommy friendships. Do you have local friends and families who can trade off babysitting services. If you build a strong group of "Friends of the Marriage" (i.e. married couples with strong boundaries and values) then you'll have shared FoM, and he'll be less likely to go hang out with single co-workers.

Peace

posts: 221   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2013
id 6742255
default

Sadwife222 ( member #40050) posted at 2:12 PM on Monday, March 31st, 2014

If I were you, I'd 180 him, too. But I would also put a voice activated recorder hidden in his car and put tracking on his phone.

Even my gut is telling me he's up to something.

Me BW, Him WH (sosorry54)
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

posts: 167   ·   registered: Jul. 26th, 2013
id 6742265
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy