SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I mostly lurk and rarely post but wanted to share something weird that happened today.

It started last Wednesday when I was riding the elevator back up with a guy who works on my floor. We don’t know each other well but sometimes make idle chit chat. Anyway I had a drink, a bottle of iced tea, in my hand and he commented on how much of a mark up the building cafeteria put on it and that he doesn’t buy it anymore. I nodded and agreed. Then he said he liked that brand of iced tea but drank the regular one; not the diet. I said, “I have a whole case of regular at home that I don’t drink. I just bought it because my friend’s daughter was doing a fund raiser. I’ll bring some in for you”. He said, “OK, great. Thanks.”. By that time the elevator reached our floor and we went our separate ways.

So this morning I remembered the iced tea and brought a few (4) into work to give him. I found his desk and was dropping them off. He said, in a serious tone, “Just so you know, I’m married”. I just looked at him not knowing what to say but then said, “Sooooo, does that mean you can’t drink iced tea?”. And he said, “No. I just wanted to make sure there were no strings attached”. All I could do was laugh and say, “No. No strings”.

I mean, really? I can’t do anything nice for someone without the presumption I want some sort of sexual favor, or any favor, in return? If that is the case then I must have been hot and heavy for the guy I let into my lane of traffic this morning. Or perhaps for the elderly lady at the grocery store who needed something from the top shelf.

So now, when I pass this guy in the hallway, I feel all weirded out inside! All I can think of is that his ego must be highly inflated.

<Cabin crew...prepare the plane for take-off>

Hmmm...on the contrary, I think he has awesome boundaries.

ETA: His approach and tone may have been a bit harsh but his message was loud and clear. I for one love it.

JMHO.

AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 2:30 PM, March 31st (Monday)]

All I can think of is that his ego must be highly inflated.

Or he has some first-hand experience with infidelity and is working hard on boundaries!

I agree that the exchange was a little strange, but I think I'd put this one in the "one never knows" column.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 2:31 PM, March 31st (Monday)]

I am actually impressed!

He might need help with his delivery, but his message left no questions behind.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:42 PM, March 31st (Monday)]

Nothing wrong with that. Just try to remember most guys (NOT ALL don't jump on me about generalizations)are emotional retards, so his delivery might have been off.

Wow! Thank you all for that perspective! You'd think that would be my first thought after he made that comment but it wasn't. (Hence me posting in OT)

I am going to assume that's what it was and now I have a new found respect for him.

Nothing wrong with that. Just try to remember most guys (NOT ALL don't jump on me about generalizations)are emotional retards, so his delivery might have been off.

^^^ at this.

As an almost divorced guy that does have great boundaries, I have said something similar to women before. I don't think I had the same tone but the point was to make sure they knew I was NOT on the market. I can see him being a little surprised especially if he didn't actually expect you to bring in the drinks. Please don't take that as a slight even if it did seem harsh. He may be a douche but at least he seems to actually respect his wife and M.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:59 PM, March 31st (Monday)]

IrishGirl -

OT is infidelity-free. Would you like me to fly this to Gen for you?

Yes please feel free to move. Thank you.

And I apologize. I didn't think it was related until I started getting responses. Then it morphed! :)

Or he has some first-hand experience with infidelity

That was my first thought...

I think it's great that he has good boundaries... and a wife who will probably never join us here (not as a BS anyway). As for his tone - probably not a bad thing either because he left you in no doubt that he wasn't just playing hard to get.

Perhaps he went home to his wife last Wednesday and told her about the very kind lady who offered to bring him iced tea - only to be told 'well you had better let her know you're married!'

...or perhaps he just wanted to make sure that there is no misunderstanding. So, don't be bringing him home cooked baked goods or asking him if he wants to go to the opera. Oh don't you even think about letting that senior citizen go ahead of you in the supermarket checkout line. IrishGirl, you better watch it! His elderly wife will kick your butt.

I'm a BW and I have made it known I was married. Anytime I sensed a guy might be talking a wee bit too much and other just off vibes. I did it long before WH cheated on me. I tended to change the delivery of it depending on what was going on or the vibe I got from the male. My favorite use to be," I'm very married and loving it." Cheesy but it got the point across.

So people aren't use to having to put that out and are direct and to the point about it.

Yeah, I think it's possible that his boundary-enforcing technique is his first priority, and other opinions of said technique a distant second.

And that's a really, really good thing.

That being the case, being firm but polite is fine, but sometimes being a dick works just as well. We tell WS all the time on here to stop worrying about 'being nice' or others' perceptions when they first start to begin to learn to enforce boundaries.

Sounds like he is being proactive and that's a good thing. I'm not saying this about you OP, but there are men and women who tend to read too much into casual gestures like this.

I had a roommate in college who took any type of male attention as an indicator that he wanted to have sex with her.

She was convinced our mailman had a crush on her because he smiled whenever he dropped boxes off at our place!

I do the same thing whenever I sense a someone a tad bit friendly--except instead of saying it that way, I start gushing about how my husband and I this, my husband has this funny saying, my husband bought me such and such . . . It's never failed to get the point across. Nicely. Win-win!

This reminds me of the male resident who wouldn't travel with me for a recruiting trip.

Resident: I can't travel with any woman who's not my wife.

Me: would it help if I told you I'm gay, partnered and ten years older than you?

Resident: nope

Me: alrighty then

We got another resident to go. I found this remarkably odd at the time but now I really appreciate his boundaries and moral fortitude.

As a wife whose husband has a serious problem with always being Mr. Nice Guy, I think this guy did fine. If my husband came home and told me some woman was bringing him tea from home, I'd want to know how he got so close to her that she knew what kind of tea he drinks and that she felt comfortable bringing tea to him. And then I'd rip him a new one for being too personal with yet another woman and not saying no thanks to her offer in the first place.

While you were being nice and meant nothing by it, on this website we've learned that often the people who are nice DO mean something and there ARE strings attached. I don't want any woman thinking my husband's choice of beverage, favorite sandwich or the car he drives, jeans he wears, etc. is a way in to get friendly. He just doesn't have a clue when someone is just being nice or trying to get a foot in the door so I'd rather he just keep the door shut unless it's a mutual friend whose motives I've vetted.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 10:22 PM, March 31st (Monday)]

My WH is a "nice guy" who works with a lot of females and has been completely oblivious in the past to things that set off warning bells for me. He didn't really think anything of his coworker who asked him "ummm, you are happily married, aren't you? " - emphasis on happily- while leaving his office after he helped her with a work issue - something she didn't really need help for but had sought him out for.

Since his A ( with a "friend" he was being "nice" to when she started confiding in him about her marriage problems....,) and reading NOT Just Friends, he has awesome boundaries.

He is so much more aware of things and takes precautions he never even thought about before. And it's not about his ego - it's about doing his best to stay on the straight and narrow. And he stays as far away from the coworker I mentioned as possible.

Maybe this guy read the book.

I think it's great.