In my desperation to find answers and healing, I stumbled upon this site. So, I thought I would sign up, and tell my story, and see if anyone has any advice. So, here goes:
I was a very happily married man, and very in love with my wife. I thought I had a perfect life, and couldn't wait to see her every day. I am a police officer, and work at night, which is a big cause of my failed marriage. I believe its also a reason why I refuse to seek help or counseling. My marriage lasted 5 years, and I was blinded by love and denial as to what she was up to.
It all started about 3 years ago, when my wife took a six day trip to Barcelona with her girlfriend. All was well when she left, and when she returned, she was different. We went from being the happy couple, to not speaking. She would never give me a reason for the change, and I had my suspicions, but buried them inside. Shortly after returning, she tells me she wants her own bank account, and that I can tell her each month what the bills are. She said she just wanted to feel more in control of her money. She then, started to work "overtime" each day. She would normally come home from work at 2:30, and we would hang out until I left for work at 5:30. All of the sudden, she was coming home after I had already left for work. Could have been 6pm, or 2:30 am. This is why she needed her own bank account. Otherwise, I would have seen that she was not making extra money working overtime each day.
A few weeks after she came home from Spain, we were supposed to do something on a Saturday night. She went to the store, at 6, and disappeared until 3a.m. She claimed she was at her gf's house talking and lost track of time. She then proceeds to tell me that she is going to NYC with the gf over Memorial day weekend. I begged her not to go, and told her we were on the road to divorce, and she basically told me tough crap, and that she was going no matter what.
So, after 5 days in NYC, she returns. She immediately advises me that she is getting on birth control, and that she was moving out on Aug. 01, 2011. She said she needed space.
July 31st rolls around, and I come home to find half of my stuff gone, my 2 dogs gone, and my house empty. Like Hall and Oates said, shes gone. I felt like it was the right thing to do to let her move without a fight, because I loved her enough to sacrifice my happiness, knowing she wanted to be with someone else. I had no idea, almost 3 years later, I would still be suffering.
3 months pass, with little contact. I was in a great state of depression, (still am), and was not dating anyone, or doing anything. On November 12th, a Saturday, she calls me out of the blue. We have a nice talk, and she tells me she wants to come home. I tell her that I can forgive her for anything, and that I know in my heart she was having an affair, so if she wants another try, she needed to own up to it. She tells me that she was but doesn't want to say with who. Now I know its someone I know. She tells me to not contact him if she tells me. I agree. She tells me the name, and it turns out its a guy she had introduced me to in the past. I never contact him, although I want to very badly. We meet that night for dinner. The second I see her in the parking lot, I fall so in love again. I know I can forgive her and move on.
After dinner, we come back to our house. Things obviously happen, and it was a great night. She leaves to go to her apartment, and we talk about when she can move back in, etc. She asks if we can have dinner Monday and hang out again. Of course, I say yes.
Monday rolls around, she calls me at 3, and says she is coming over early. After she arrives, she tells me she told her aunt that she would have dinner with her, and that she has to leave at 5. Instantly, I know she has a date with someone. I am happy to see her, and I try to put the moves on her. She tells me no, and now I know she is saving herself for her date. So, as she is leaving she asks me if we can go to dinner on Thursday because its our 5 year wedding anniversary. Of course I say yes.
Wednesday afternoon, I receive a text from her saying she wont have dinner with me. I call her and ask her what's going on and she tells me she felt trashy on Monday when I tried to have sex with her. I say " your husband wants to have sex with you and you feel trashy, but you are cheating on me in hotel rooms with a guy you barely know, and that's ok?" She shuts me down right away. I tell her that her date on Monday must have been really good. She tells me she never wants to speak to me again, and hangs up on me.
So, months and months go by. We do the divorce through the mail. She came over to pick up the paperwork and I ask her how she is. She says she misses me. I tell her we should fix things and she agrees. She leaves with the paperwork, and 7 days later I get a manila envelope with my copies of the divorce papers. I ask her why she sent them in, and she acts like she doesn't know what I am talking about.
Now, Its coming up on 3 years. I have dated several women. As soon as they start liking me, I run for the hills. I have lost the ability to care about any other woman. I am blocked from being able to contact her. I send her text messages daily, even though I know they wont go through. I send her emails, just asking to talk. I know how pathetic I must look to her. I know she brags to her friends, shows them my emails, and wallows in the fact that she treated me so badly, and I still love her.
I feel like something was triggered in my brain when I lost my wife to another man. I feel like some primitive thing happened that makes me feel like I have to get my wife back to be happy. I also feel like I may be punishing myself for my failed marriage. I miss her every second of the day. But, I have no outlet. Being in my line of work, the other guys don't understand what I am going through. Everyone says Get over it, or that I should hate her, but that's just not possible. Sorry this is so long. Maybe someone can help me.