SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lately I have been having a real hard time dealing with my wife's affair. She ended it right after I found out and has been good as gold since. At first I was dealing with it however I did drive her crazy according to her by always bringing it up. Even A therapist I was talking to told me I have to lighten up. Well it's been about 6 months and all of a sudden I'm thinking about it 24/7. I didn't do this before and actually felt I was making progress. However just recently, everything bothers me about it and all I think about is them doing it and it makes me sick. I have bitten my tongue quite a bit as my wife makes comments such as when going for a massage that she doesn't like a man because she doesn't want a male touching her. Of course under my breathe I say yea that's why you let some scum bag do anything he wanted to you without using protection and letting him cum in you. Is this normal? I'm really gettinbg pissed. It's worse now than 6 months before when I found out.

3 1/2 years out here and I still have days even weeks like you describe. It's all part of the rollercoaster ride. They become fewer and farther apart with time. I am sorry you are having a tough time.

Well, first of all,I'm several YEARS out from MY last dday,my SAFWH has bent over backwards to prove he is remorseful and trustworthy, and I STILL have to bite my tongue when those snarly comments come to mind! They are oh so justified! Just not conducive to long term reconciliation. Lol.

As for talking about the affair too much! God man, you are only 6mos out! You only got your feet wet? Did she answer all your questions fully and honestly? Did she do the work to figure out her reasons for cheating and how she'll avoid the same stupidity in the future? Did she share that with you? Most of we BSs need to ask the same questions over and over and over. Sometimes it's because we don't think we got the whole story, sometimes it's because we are trying to make sense out of insanity, sometimes we think of a new way of asking. But, you know what? That's our prerogative. We have been traumatized by the one person who we trusted to have our backs, the one we trusted with our most intimate

Selves. We are entitled to ask questions for however long it takes.

We aren't entitled to be verbally, physically, or emotionally abusive while doing so. But we are allowed to express our own pain. You will stop talking about it when you have healed sufficiently to do so. Five years is the average.

Your MC has it wrong.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 2:46 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

She ended it right after I found out and has been good as gold since

She doesn't sound very remorseful. She ended the affair immediately which implies little emotional involvement; why did she have the affair? Just the excitement and sex? Now she wants it rugswept and you just can't let go of it. Its no big deal according to your wife and she wants to move on.

You need to do something to rock her safe, secure world. Its better than just waiting for something to happen and the memories to fade. Your wife's matter of fact "well it happened, nothing I can do about it, lets bury it' approach will eat away at you as you attempt to face the humiliation she has visited upon you.

She really needs to fully understand what she has done, even if it means talking about it for the next 6 months. With true remorse maybe you can begin to heal.

I have to admit that she claims she answered everything. She told me there is nothing I don't know. While she has told me repeatedly that she doesn't know why she did it, she has let it slip a few times that it was all about the sex, being with someone different and new and loving the attention from someone else. I was her only one as we met when she was 17. She claims it is so out of her system and she has broken down a number of times telling me how sorry she is. She tells me everything, calls me everytime she is some where so I can see where the calls are coming from. While she is on the lets move on path, her reasoning is that I know everything and asking the same questions over and over looking for different answers is not helping. She even said that there is no reason to lie about anything anymore as she was pretty graphic in what they did and she says why wouldn't she tell me about the other stuff. Like I said, she seems to be doing everything right but she constantly tells me that I am not the only one hurting, and that she is embarrassed and disgusted for what she did and talking about it is like me rubbing salt in the wound. I tell her welcome to my world. SHe constantlly teels me she is sorry and it will nec=ver happen again. One point she keeps making is that if she diodn't want to be with me , shge wouldn't, because if she was not being honest it wouldn't be fair to me or her and we both deseve to be happy and she is happy with us being together. Thank you for the thoughts.

I use to do this day in and day out. It didn't even matter, I was always getting at him no matter what he was doing. I tried to bite my tongue but realized it only lead to me lashing out at him eventually. Now what I will do is wonder why I want to say the "mind remarks" that come to mind. It's almost always from a place of pain and reminds me of what he had done. So now I will look at him and say "when you just said___it reminded me of the A and how you_____which made me wonder____." Usually he doesn't even understand how it all "connects" in my mind.it helps us both communicate. He is now more aware and careful about what he says and I get to be authentic and true about my feelings. When I don't give in to those emotions and i understand that those emotions are coming from something much deeper I like to address it. It feels better speaking from the heart. It has helped him understand me a little more also. Sometimes now he will say something, even if it's a joke and he will immediately apologize and say that it came out wrong or should have said it differently.

Overall I think me being true about myself and letting him kinda understand me a little better has helped us both on reconnecting.

This isn't to say I don't slip up here and there but now I will apologize to him if I do. I will tell him that it came from a place of pain and hurt and not anger and hatred. He is also alot more understanding now when I do slip up and say something "passive aggressively"

[This message edited by kate0421 at 5:12 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

If what you are doing isn't normal than I'm right along side you. DDAY 1 year antiversary is coming up at the end of April and I still think about it so many times during the day it makes my head spin.

Its by far the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced. My ww wants to reconcile and I've been slowly coming around to give an effort but a lot of days I tell myself to just cut my losses. I Hope things get better for you.

I get that she is ashamed, but she needs to understand that if you are forced to stuff your feelings, the only thing that will happen is that you will grow bitter and angry. It's necessary for you to fully feel them and work through them in order to process this trauma.

There is a short book often recommended here.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From An Affair

You both need to read it.

Hey 99

First, you just found all this out in December. So about 4-5 months ago?

We are almost 7 years out.

We didn't decide to R until 5 months after dday. It was probably a bit soon even, who knows.

After dday your wife said it was over and ended it and has since been good as gold.

Yeah, sorry to be blunt or kind of a bitch, but you don't go from being a lying cheating wife to good as gold overnight.

It doesn't happen because there was no time in there for her to heal, for her to figure out her shit.

If she looks 25 and has guys that would want her why in the world did she go and screw around with a drug-addict who lives with his mother? If she was looking to find out how things were with other men I doubt he would be her first choice.

She latched onto someone broken, just as she is. She has something inside of her that tells her she isn't good enough or some other FOO issue at play that would make her have unprotected sex with any joe schmoe that asked.

She needs IC, IMO. She needs to dig and find out why she would be willing to throw her life in the air and take a shot at losing it.

The therapist you spoke with that said you had to lighten up has not enough experience dealing with infidelity.

You are the betrayed person here, just a few months out from dday. You have the right to ask, ask and ask again. You have the right to feel heard, to be consoled, to have your wife pick up and carry the heavy bags she has dumped at your feet.

Whatever your wife has going on isn't gone, I guarantee you , the feelings she had/the broken-ness is only a little more broken now. Not only was she broken before, but now she has to listen to the voice inside her head that says what a loser she is for screwing around, for allowing herself to be used, putting both of you in line to contract an STD. She has added more to her plate and unless she gets help, she is not a safe partner for you.

If you want to reconcile, not just for the sake of staying married, but for all it means. Trust, love, friendship, a partnership....all of it, then the two of you are going to have to stop the rug sweeping and start digging.

If you don't I can guarantee you the anger you have will remain, the sadness will slowly take over your insides until you have developed a coldness towards your wife to protect you from being hurt by her again.

I would start getting my "in order to R list" going.

What do you want and need to move forward?

I would at the minimum express the need for

1. Complete NC

2. IC for her and eventually MC for you both ( I got IC for me, I was pretty broken myself)

3. Transparent in all aspects of life, money, electronics, where-abouts etc.

4. Open and honest dialog about the A, any questions you have, need to be answered...until you are done asking.

and there's more you will think of...

Sorry I have rambled, but there is nothing worse than watching someone head into R with a spouse that doesn't seem to get it. I don't think your wife understands the gravity of what she has done.

I hope you consider putting your needs upfront for a bit, hers come a little later when you are more on level ground.

Be good to you, know your anger is justified and will not ever magically go away.

(((hugs)))

She was attracted by the attention and exciting sex so she decided to have an affair, involving the deepest intimacies and putting your health at risk. Obviously she has little respect for you and views the marriage as a vessel of convenience; she materially has a good life with no financial worries and her major fear is that you may leave her alone and find someone else.

That isn't love by any definition, only a selfish concern for her own needs. She doesn't care that you are now no longer her one and only; she had an exciting fling and satisfied her curiosity. You are left with the pain and humiliation.

Life isn't fair. All you can decide is to accept her betrayal or leave. Obsessing about it is like sitting in a burning house and not looking for the exit. So all I can suggest is to live with her adultery and modify the marriage accordingly, or end the relationship. Don't torture yourself for years to come; its too painful and you don't deserve it..

Probably you were 'stuffing' before--pushing the feelings down in an attempt to get back to normal. But you really have to go through all the anger, pain, confusion, obsession etc. before normal can return. You can't just skip ahead. That's why it's coming up now all these months later (and in the scheme of infidelity, six months is still veeeery fresh anyway).

Don't sweep the emotions under the rug. Let them out.

Sounds like she hasnt done any researching/reading at all on what you are going through and what you need from her now That is vital. When she realizes what is going on inside your head and what your very normal needs are in recovering from this deep painful betrayal, communicating with you and comforting with you will not be seen as rubbing salt into the wound. That is really alarming. She MUST learn what you need and implement. Your feelings are so ridiculously normal and I've never heard of anyone who was recovered 6 mos out. Please take former posters advice and get the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from An Affair!!! Seriously. She doesn't get it. She HAS to get it.

I just want to thank everyone for their responses. They do help alot.

Keep us updated. We're always here and want to help you get through this to the other side. You CAN thrive again!

I just want to add that before my husband did My reading my communications about what horrible oain I was in and the triggers etc. Felt to him like attacks. They made him feel defensive. After the reading and after I explained that I was communicating to him as I would talk to a best friend and sharing my grief/pain/hurt and that my motivation was that I so needed someone else to 'get it', to understand, sympathize and comfort me, he finally saw my communication about my hurt in a different way. Only then was he abke to be all in withthe ccompassion and consoling. A person who has suffered a trauma is a person who talks about it over and over this is our body's way of processing it. A person who suffers trauma akso needs to have their feelings validated. You absolutely are not being validated. You cannot skip this major step in healing or it wont work. And you can't rush through it. By that I mean, you can't have a few conversations and expect that to be enough. She has to get it. You need it. I hope you push for it. You wouldn't expect a victim from a building collapse or a bombing (for example) to talk about it once, get a few details about how and why and then move on easily with no repercussions and no long term negative effects. They have to talk talk talk about it, find out ever possible detail , many times repeating the same auesti ok ns aboit the event multiple times (the processing of info), go to therapy, cry, mourn, be with loved ones who comfort and console etc. Now consider her A a bombing..but by the one who, out of everyone in the world (aside from maybe your mom/dad) should be your biggest ally, the one who 'has your back', your r best friend. This is a real emotional trauma and you must treat it as such. Be good to you. ((Hugs))

Just an updtae. The other day I tried to tell my wife how it was still bothering me. She looked at me and said I have no idea what she is going through. I said i guess I don't as she doesn't like to talk about it. She said I know everything. I said I don't think so. My biggest concern is how she kept going to him for sex and it seems like it's not the same with me. She looked at me and said I don't know what happened. She kept saying I wasn't there, that I have no idea what went on. That I agreed with her and said no I don't, that's the problem. She looked at me for a minute and looked like she was about to cry. She then out of the blue said how about if I told you when I asked him to stop that he wouldn't. I just looked at her. She looked like was ready to cry. I asked her what she meant and she just repeated herself. I then asked if she meant that when they were doing it she asked him to stop and he refused. She said yes. I was shocked. I again said, you mean that while he was doing you, you wanted him to stop and he refused and again she said yes. I asked her what he said and she just said he said nope and continued. She then got up and went to the Lady's room. I just sat there. When she got back she said she didn't want to talk about it but I had to.

Apparently the last time they were together she really wasn't in to it anymore but felt scared that if she didn't do it he would tell me everything. Do I believe her, I'm not sure. But anyway I told her, he basically raped her and she just said yes. I was shocked. I then asked why she still talked to him after and why she was not mad. She said she wasn't thinking straight and it didn't hit her til this was all over. I also asked her based on that, how she could ever have thought about staying with him and again she told me she never was thinking of staying with him Whenever she thought about her future, I was always in the picture, that's why she was so confused.

Anyway, She told me more than she did before. she now tells me she is afraid I am going to wake up one day and tell her to get lost. I'm so f'd up right now. She told me the end with him before I found out was totally different than the beginning. She didn't know why she went back with him and hates him. She said for some reason she thought he was a nice guy and fell for his words. She now realizes what a loser he is. Again she said she is embarrassed and asked that we just start over.

I know she is not lying about asking him to stop because she went into detail about why she did so and how he acted during and after. she told me about what he said after wards and how he said he didn't think she was serious. She was pretty open about it not like before. She also didn't get mad like in the past and told me she understands why I need to know things.

Just an update as to my situation. Maybe this is what I needed to know she is finally opening up to me. Thanks

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 7:04 AM, April 14th (Monday)]