SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He hasn't decided if he wants to R yet wants more time

If he is actively on dating sites then he doesn't want to R or is in his own BS FOG. As a BH, the last thing on my mind after DDay was dating someone. Maybe it's because I found SI 1 day after Dday. You do get a say in this SSM. Regardless of what you did you do get a say in this. Do you want to stay married or not and if so then you also need to set some boundaries for you and your BH. Yes, he has every right to completely ignore you but that does not mean you sit around the house watching him self destruct. You need to have a candid conversation about what he is doing and ask him if he wants to work on the M or not. If both of you are not 100% in agreement on R and pulling in the right direction you are both wasting time. It takes 2 committed people to R. If you want to remain in limbo that is perfectly fine but you can't control him so focus on you.

As a BH myself I "get" what your BH is thinking. He has a choice just as you did. Your discussions won't be easy. Based on his take on your M and the A's his view of things is very different from your own but you do need to have a discussion. Your M may not survive this but either way don't forget to keep focusing on you. Just as a BS can't actually control the actions of a WS, you can't control the actions of your BH. that saying also applies in reverse. So take control of the only thing you can which is yourself. You need to have a candid conversation with your BH then make some decisions on what you want to do. Keep posting it helps.

When I was done and filed I didn't consider dating at all until I was officialy Divorced. That meant I had to wait an additional year after I filed because of the waiting period in my state. I have 2 months to go and I do believe I am ready to date but I am technically still married. I honestly have no interest in dating someone that would date a married man whether I had filed or not so I will wait until I am officially divorced. That's just my personal choice but why invite additional drama into my life when it's not necessary.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 11:29 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

I'm a BS and no matter how hurt he is, if he has not filed, moved out, and has not said "no" to R, he is cake-eating and being as wayward as anyone else. The idea that you now have to shut-up and take it because you cheated is not true. Sorry, but if he wants to see other women, he needs to make the decision...to leave immediately. Because right now he is cheating, if he was the WS here and was wanting more time to decide on R and was seeing the OW, we'd be telling you to hefty bag his crap. I feel little difference here.

We always say here there is NO EXCUSE to cheat, NONE.

... and your not really separated if he hasn't said no to R and if your still doing things for him as his wife...that isn't separated. That is getting shit on.

Texting other women right in front of you...if your separated why are you right in front of him?? He is totally cake-eating. I would insist on an immediate out of house separation. He wants to date and test the waters, he doesn't get to do it while you sit at home and play wife.

What you did was horrible, but you have choices here too.

Bad hurt : I admit I am in no position to critisize.

Neither of us put the work into R the first time.

Neveragain : he has not filed for divorce we are just seperated while taking time to figure out what we each want. At this point no decisions have been made.

I have no idea what he is telling these woman other than he is seperated . He is a good man I doubt he would lie to them.

Flushed ; I plan on having the conversation with him tonight . I make no execuses for what I did . It's my fault we are in this position but we also agreed to take 6pnths before we decide anything .

So I guess I still see us as M.

I'm working my ass off to hopefully get to point of R but realize I may have caused to much damage for that.

Mean while we are here in house together with kids .

Just hard because I know it's wrong what he is doing but struggling that I hve a right to say anything .

However in IC I have been working hard on communication so I will talk to him because I now no longer hide any of my feelings. Good or bad

You've mentioned a few times that neither of you put in the work to R after your first affair. If a WS isn't putting in the hard work to R, then why would a BS? You seem to be blaming him for not trying to fix what you broke.

It sounds as if your 2nd affair was a deal breaker for him.

If he wants to date, then he needs to be honest..and you need to make some hard desicions.

I'm really sorry you're hurting.

You are right confused : I didn't put in the work!! I never came out of the fog . I don't blame him for that but wish both communicated better.

Sorry I think you are getting a bad rap here sosorrymom.

You get that you failed at your first attempt at R. And from what you state it sounds like the first A was rug swept by both.

As horrible as it is to be a BS we have to take some accountability of our own, and work to heal ourselves, and become stronger. If he didn't do that work then he needs to, and yes a second A may be a deal breaker, but if that's what he believes it is, he needs to definitely say that and move forward with appropriate actions other than being a cake eater. He is on the slope to MadHattery. Not a good place, esp if there is inkling of R.

When you confront tonight, I would try not to be judgmental and just say I know what you are doing, and would like to know if you are just done. If you are then lets move that way. If not please don't do this. Then encourage him to come back. Posting here can help so much, and give so much support and help clarify things.

Thank you tush nurse !!!

I'm trying I'm really trying. Maybe too late but that's something I will have to live with but for now I can't live this way.

Going to see my IC then later tonight will talk . I waited to talk until after my appt to make sure I approach it the right way .

Thank you again for all the support it has really helped me today .

Maybe a small bit of insight based on a small suspicion when I read of what your BH is doing. So take this with a grain of salt.

Part of my fear right after Dday was that I would be alone forever if I D my WW. She had after all demonstrated the ability to find someone else. And that I was disposable. This wrecked my self esteem and I felt completely worthless.

Add to this that the best compliment Ive ever gotten from a woman friend was *your no brad pitt but you have nice eyes*.

So as I said I was worried that if I D WW that I would be alone. So I did look on line at singles dating sites. I never made a profile or joined anything. I just looked to see what was out there. I wondered if there was any potential for finding someone else if my WW left.

So my weak suspicion is that MAYBE that is what your BH is doing?

What do you think? Is this possible?

Razor : in my heart I feel it's what you are describing and I TOTALLY get that !! He needs to feel worthy . I get it !! I damaged him and he is trying to build himself back up.

However looking and doing are 2 different things . He joined a site paid money to be on there and is texting right in front of me an my kids . So I feel that is different . And all the things he hated I did !

soosorrymom.

yeh I get that. Hes taking re-validation much too far. But sadly I have to admit that in the depths of my pain and sorrow I was tempted to do exactly what your BH is doing.

Temptation does not mandate action though. We each have a little voice that screams in our ears at times and tells us what we are doing is wrong. Sadly many ignore that voice.

We all have the power to turn away from temptation. Even when we feel justified. But we have to LISTEN to that voice and heed its advice.

Im sorry to say that your BH probably is not listening. And he is busy justifying what hes doing. In the end what he is doing will only make things worse.

I feel for you. I really do. And it hurts me to know you are going through this. Your BH has no valid justification for what he is doing. But I have no advice.

Thank you Razor I appreciate your words and opinion .

I'm a BS and no matter how hurt he is, if he has not filed, moved out, and has not said "no" to R, he is cake-eating and being as wayward as anyone else. The idea that you now have to shut-up and take it because you cheated is not true. Sorry, but if he wants to see other women, he needs to make the decision...to leave immediately. Because right now he is cheating, if he was the WS here and was wanting more time to decide on R and was seeing the OW, we'd be telling you to hefty bag his crap. I feel little difference here.

We always say here there is NO EXCUSE to cheat, NONE.

... and your not really separated if he hasn't said no to R and if your still doing things for him as his wife...that isn't separated. That is getting shit on.

Texting other women right in front of you...if your separated why are you right in front of him?? He is totally cake-eating. I would insist on an immediate out of house separation. He wants to date and test the waters, he doesn't get to do it while you sit at home and play wife.

What you did was horrible, but you have choices here too.

My sentiments exactly.

Doesn't cheating involve deceit or the breaking of a contract?

If he is contacting other women right in front of you, that is not deceitful. He is showing you what his choice is.

Is it breaking a contract? Can he not say, "What contract? I have no contract of fidelity with you now. You tore it up."

So, I don't see any cheating here.

Is he being self-destructive? Maybe yes, and maybe no. But if yes, how does anyone, especially the wife who was most destructive of him, have the right to interfere with the conduct of his life. He is an adult. But more probably, no. He is withdrawing from a former intimacy in which he was hurt deeply and sees a big risk of being hurt again. Isn't that a healthy thing for a person to do?

Is it wrong to the women he communicates with? Only if he tries to deceive them. But you think he is not doing that.

Just one person's take on it.