SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are in house seperated . 4 months from DDay 2

BH has joined dating sites and texting OW.

I don't think it's right but also feel after what I've done I have no right to say anything .

I have been working hard to try and make up for what I've done but know its probably too late.

All I can say is I now feel a very small fraction of the hurt I caused him .

However we are still in house with kids and I don't think going out dating is right either . Maybe he needs it for validation maybe for payback I don't know .

Hurt and confused . And yes this is what I get for what I've done .

For a time I was on a dating site after DDay #2. I wasn't there to make any dates, I was there to find someone to talk to. It was clearly posted in my profile, and I told my WSO that I was on the site and why. I was attempting to find what I have finally found here at SI. Just someone to talk to that would understand and not be biased either way (meaning towards my hurt or towards my WSO's betrayal). I don't know your situation, but mine is that I have no friends that weren't my WSO's friends first, so it's pretty difficult (if not impossible) to get an unbiased ear from them.

edited to add (and to fix a typo)

I also felt very emasculated, your BS very well may feel the same way.

[This message edited by justasinger at 8:09 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

Are you separated with the intentions of divorcing? Or are you just giving each other space?

What are his plans?

Either way...you are still married..and living in the home with children...if he wants to date, then he needs to file and the two of you need to live separately.

Or you can decide you won't tolerate this disrespect..and you can file.

I strongly feel that you need to completely end one relationship before you start another. You're either married, or you're not married.

You are married, as is he.

But, that's just how I feel.

I agree with Williesmom.

This is wrong. No matter what you did it doesn't make his choices ok.

If you are still M, and still under the same roof it's wrong to be dating, and texting OW. If you are attempting to R, this will ensure failure. If you are going to D then he needs to wait. His need to find/be involved with someone else so soon, tells a lot about him. He needs to figure out what he needs to be happy all on his lonesome. If he jumps from one broken relationship right into another, guess what it will be just as broken.

I feel very strongly about this. I was horribly codpendent prior to dday, and a big part of MY healing from my H's A was realizing I didn't need him or anyone else to make me complete and happy. I think when we depend on others to make us happy we are setting ourselves up for failure.

((((and strength))))

He hasn't decided if he wants to R yet wants more time . I am giving him his space and trying my best to help hi

Heal but this makes it very hard for me .

So yes we are sti M . And I have been going out of my way to do everything I can . IC Reading, doing all the things I know he wants me to around the house . Anything I can do to show I want to R and that I'm sorry .

I don't think he is on site just to talk but who knows

I don't think it's right but also feel after what I've done I have no right to say anything

I am sorry, but this is completely untrue.

You chose to have your affair, it was wrong and takes a big person to take the steps needed to try to right the ship.

As a BS it does not give me an open invitation to gut my spouse, for revenge or whatever motive I have.

He needs to respect himself and his children and you.

If he isn't, then you need to respect yourself enough to call him out. I would demand he move out and I would file.

Not knowing if you want to R doesn't mean you get to run around and test the waters while your spouse sits by with their life on hold.

Being the WS doesn't mean you have to sell your soul.

He needs to find a productive way to address his need to heal. Signing up for a dating service, no matter the excuse used is wrong if you are married.

Be good to you.

Yes, you breached his trust and behaved badly. And it's hard to handle that emotional upheaval; trying to date or wanting to, as revenge, or distraction, or ego boost, is common. But it is not healthy.

Your BH should be focusing on his healing. That means not dating. It's disrespectful to you, too, but that's a harder line for you to argue at this point.

It's hard to feel the pain and sit with it but it's the only way to handle this properly, and he's avoiding it. That's no good for him. And with kids around...presumably he's keeping this secret from them, but it's a bad use of his energies and may mean he ends up creating his own insta-family, which is so, so stupid.

It also hurts, as someone who wishes I had been with someone as willing to do the work of R as you are, to see him disregarding that. It's a waste. Of course, you caused the initial waste too...but, it is what it is. His acting poorly is not helping to fix that and is only causing more damage, R or D.

He needs to stop this and get into IC. I advise you to tell him that his stopping this is a requirement for R and that you will file for D if he doesn't stop. The filing can be stopped later if he gets it. And if he agrees to stop this broken coping mechanism, then you can keep with in-house S and mutual IC and work to a place where MC is possible.

Thank you for all the advise .

His dating site profile says new to dating scene after long term marriage .

He was in IC but think he stopped going . I see mine tonight and hope she can help give me insight as well how to handle this .

I was supposed to go to his family for Easter with kids but now don't think I want to go . His family knows about my A's and I haven't seen them since He told them.

I wanted to go for kids but under circumstances if this is how he is acting why should I go ?

Funny how first few days after DDay he said he was better than me and never do this .

SSM, can I ask? When was your affair?DDay?

Your dday and join date are so long ago, but I feel as though all of this going on sounds recent...???

sorry didn't update my profile . DDday1 2009

Never worked on R so Dday2 January 2014

So I know it's still early .

I never did work after DDay 1 never got it but after DDay2 I came out of fog and realized everything I did wrong and committed myself to healing us both

so was your affair from 2009 - 2014?

Then he is just 3 months out. Ugh a second dday and he is cracking. My heart goes out for his pain, but he cannot add this layer of shit on top of an already huge sandwich. I wish there was a way to make him see the mess he is creating.

(((hugs))) to you both, this really sucks

[This message edited by karmahappens at 9:56 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

More than anything, I believe he is looking for validation. I came close of acting on impulses if you see my post about a co-worker that I worked with. The more and more I wanted to be with her, it was because I was feeling good, and not dealing with my pain.

After everyone here basically broke my noggin with the 2x4's of reality I came to my senses. He needs to go to IC and get down to the nitty gritty. You are committed to both of you healing but he really needs to get some help himself and stop looking for validation.

If it's revenge, it's wrong, if it's validation it's wrong.

Here comes a 2x4 from me to me. He has to find approval/validation within himself. He has to realize that your A's don't define him, as painful as they are. They are not about the marriage, or him, the kids, it's all about you and he needs to know that. He needs to know you had choices to make and you chose an unhealthy one and it doesn't reflect upon.

I'm saying this because I would love my spouse, if she was committed to R to say these things, day in and day out. And yes, speak your mind about how this makes you feel.

He shouldn't be doing this, and you can tell him "I feel that when you said you would never do this to me and now you are on a dating site I feel you are doing it to me now."

Edit after reading the DDAYS:

The wound is so fresh, and he is most likely looking for medicine, a doctor and healer. It has to be you and your going to have to sit down with the patient, tell them, the behavior they are doing is going to make the wound worst and you want to help him heal through this, and guess what, it's going to take a long time, but you are willing to do it.

Quick Glance of my story after DDay3

She told me october 26, that she had an affair. She left, and lived with her parents, took our daughter with her.

In MC counseling, I told the truth that I was having feelings for someone else at this time and I had to back away and pull away. I am still married and didn't want to break my vows like that. I loved the validation, the compliments, the feeling of someone believing in me, and then the dream of possibly someone loving me for who I am and not what someone wants me to be... Just another FOG...that's all it is. Masking the truth and the pain of the situation. He needs to go back to IC and he needs all the support and love you have for him to help him heal.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 10:14 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

No 1st A was in 2009

We were supposed to be in R but never happened because we never did the work especially me .

Second A was 2013 to 2014 .

I'm not proud of a 2nd A and just starting to see how I went about all my fears and issues all wrong but I can't change what I did just work on future .

That's what I'm trying to do

good luck ssm, I hope he finds his way in a more healthy direction.

No matter what choices you have made you do not deserve to live this type of in house-S.

He's making huge mistakes.

And you're not in a good position to point that out.

IF you're really separated

IF one of you has filed for D

IF there is no hope for R

IF he's in counseling and has done a great deal of healing from the trauma

THEN it might be time for him to start dating.

If he came to SI, we'd tell him that. Some of us would go further and say the divorce should be complete. Some would go further and say wait another year, or two, or more.

Someone should make it clear to him that:

He hasn't decided if he wants to R yet wants more time . I am giving him his space and trying my best to help him heal but this makes it very hard for me .

is not the same as going out and dating. To me, it says he's finished with the marriage altogether.

Do you have boundaries? Can you remain in a marriage with your H actively dating?

Also, this:

I came out of fog and realized everything I did wrong and committed myself to healing us both

You can support his healing. You can become the best person that you are capable of being. But you can't heal him. He has to heal himself, at his own pace.

When I went to my first IC session, she told me that at bottom, there's only one person I can change. Me.

One more thing I would like to point out.

Romans 12:17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.

1Peter 3:9 Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing.

I think these are obvious in meaning.

Not meaning to be mean, but you have had apparently multiple affairs, and now you are upset he may be dating or trying to. What were you doing when you were under the same roof. At this point he is just online looking for whatever, you were having sex with other men. Not quite equal in my book.

Whatever his motivations, I agree with whoever said you are not in a good position to criticize. It also appears this is not first attempt at R and I am guessing that your continued infidelity had something to do with the other failed attempts.

If financially or because of kids you cannot separate that is understandable. But right now if you are interested in R you should consider yourself very lucky that it is still even on the table, and you might want to figure out why you continue to get involved with other men.

I apoligize if my comments seem harsh, but why would he think you will change.

He has only had 3 IC sessions so not sure how much healing he has done . I believe it's just started . I know it takes time .

One of the issues I had is that I'm doing the work and hoped that he would take this time to do his own work and healing .

That didn't mean go on dating sites and the. Sit there and text right in front of me. Makes it so hard for me to try and help him heal. I truly want to do that . I owe that to him but can't if he is doing this .

He was on SI in the beginning but isn't on any more

You've had 2 affairs over the last 4-5 years, so I can understand why he's trying so hard to move on. I agree that he's probably nowhere near being emotionally healthy enough to start any new relationships with anyone. That's a no-brainer.

But I can certainly also understand that he's drawn a line in the sand because his self esteem is probably in the toilet right now. I certainly hope he's being honest with these ladies and telling them about the very undesirable situation he's in, right now. I know I sure wouldn't date some guy newly separated and still living with his wife - talk about dragging a boatload of baggage behind you.

Lots of people date after they're separated and still waiting for the divorce to be legalized. It's a matter of personal choice. I see nothing wrong with it, myself (that's MY opinion, I'm not speaking for anyone else) as long as the separated person is HONEST about their status with the people they date. I myself won't date separated people, but not because I think they're 'cheating' on their separated spouses, but because I just don't want all the drama that comes with it, plain and simple.

Your husband has chosen to date during your separation. You may not like it, but it's your reality.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:07 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]