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Furious I have read all of your posts. Several have broken my heart and tugged at my own childhood demons. I've felt your pain. I have lived some of your pain. That said, this one really pissed me off for you and I finally had to comment.

You've been praised for your strength by others here for your childhood and your actions now and you should be. You are a strong woman. In fact, you are much stronger than your husband and unfortunately he knows it, hates it and has worked to demean you and bring you down for years because he is not your equal and he knows that too.

This was his way of passive aggressively punishing you. It was not forgetful. It was not an accident. It was classic abusive behavior and today he's cycled into the love bombing and forgiveness part of the abusive cycle to draw you back in and under his control after breaking you down yesterday.

I know you aren't ready for it. I know your heart is breaking and I ache for you. He is not worthy of you. He is not remorseful at all and I think he will continue to work to tear you down.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you. You deserve to be with someone who thinks you are AMAZING for all that you are and for surviving and going on to shine through all you've been through.

It is time to draw your line in the sand and demand to be treated with love and respect. YOU are the prize here, not him. You say you want to be loved and he uses that against you. That right there shows you he wants power over you instead of actively loving you. Find your inner bitch. Go 180 on him and get your ducks in a row.

I had the same thing happen on my birthday. I brought it up at MC. She gave him a do over. Told him we had to have a special treat that I didn't make, and gifts that I didn't buy myself and that he had to get our kids involved. He needed to make me feel loved and appreciated. What he figured out in the process is he has not taken the time or payed attention to what I like. My kids could tell him all my favorite things he had no clue after 17 years of marriage. So he got depressed and withdrawn a fun party! Hopefully someday we will both get the parties we deserve.

Part of me feels like I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but another part of me feels like if I don't stand up for myself now on even the little things, things will just go back to the way they were before.

I think you're right about that and you're not making a mountain out of a mole hill. You told him what you wanted. He had every opportunity to give you something so simple but instead he blew you off and now he's all apologies. Has it always been like that? Him letting you down on the simplest of requests, acting disrespectful and blaming you, and then trying to make amends with some apologies and flowers? It really does sound like he doesn't have consequences and he thinks he can hurt you, blame you, then apologize and everything goes back to normal. Don't let him get away with this otherwise expect next year to be exactly the same. If he's really sorry, he'll do more for you than just bringing home some flowers. You deserve more than being an afterthought he can just apologize his way out of. Clearly letting you down and hurting you is not a consequences enough for this man.

I would tell him to shove those flowers up his ass. They aren't mind readers, even though they should fucking know when our birthdays are, you actually warned him and gave him a list of the easiest thing in the world to do, order flowers, and get a cheesecake, Not surprise me, and bake me a layer cake and decorate it. Nope you asked for easy peasy stuff, and it was on a Monday for Gods sake. He had all weekend to prep. Yet he didn't

He either did it intentionally (I think) or is so emotionally stunted he should not be allowed to drive, operate machinery, or walk around without a helmet on.

I agree don't be home. Go do some nice things for yourself. Remind him just how strong you are. Sorry my ass. Oh I'm very very mad for you. This one hit close to home for me.

Correct me if Im wrong, but doesn't he post here on SI?

Im just wondering, since he is "all apologies" today, if it's because he read this thread?

This is your first birthday after he shattered your heart. He should have made you feel special. He should have taken the day off work and made the entire day about YOU. he should have done a lot of things..instead he did nothing. It shows a lack of consideration. And he missed an opportunity to really make you feel like you mattered. Im so sorry.

((((Furious1)))

tushnurse stole my words.....

I wouldn't accept anything from him.

I would still buy my own flowers.

is so emotionally stunted he should not be allowed to drive, operate machinery, or walk around without a helmet on.

LOL! I can't get the image of him walking around with a helmet on and bumping into walls.

Before now, I have never asked for anything for my birthday. I haven't asked for much of anything ever. I'm leaning towards him just being a thoughtless, selfish, lazy jerk who use to get away with whatever little he wanted to do.

NOT ANYMORE! He even brought home the cheesecake that I wanted, but I told him that he is not out of hot water with me by any stretch of the imagination. I told him he is a day late and a dollar short. The flowers and cheesecake would have meant something to me had he done it yesterday.

I kind of like the idea of a do over. Instead of making it a birthday "day", it has now become a birthday weekend scheduled for this coming weekend. I told him that he has one chance to make this up to me so he had better make it fantastic. I had better be wowed and I had better feel how sorry he is for messing this up. I told him that he better nail it or I would lovingly pack his knick knacks in our finest Hefty luggage.

WH doesn't post here yet that I know of, but he reads here a lot. I have no doubt that he is reading this post. I realize that I am night and day different from what I was like before and that he is struggling to keep up. He swears up and down that he got busy and forgot. I don't care about any excuses at this point and he better not ever forget again. I told him that it was his own fault for waiting until the last second to begin with.

I reminded him that Mother's Day was coming up and I expect to be spoiled that day too. I told him he had better keep the florist on speed dial. He's on the phone making reservations now so we'll just see what he manages to come up with.

Glad to hear you are fired up!!! I like the renewed attitude. Don't let up!

Furious - You are finding your voice. Good for you. Really. It may take a few missteps from him before he gets it.

I have learned that if I want H to make a big deal about something, I need to warn him, and let him know the level of celebration I expect from him. But my H is emotionally stunted to the point of needing a helmet on most days.....

According to him, it's MY FAULT that I didn't get flowers

He swears up and down that he got busy and forgot.

These two statements are contradictory.

So which one is it? Is it your fault? How so? This can't be the case- you told him exactly what you wanted in advance. Flowers and cheesecake. It's not hard to get those things together.

Did he really forget? How could he have? You told him what you wanted in advance so presumably he knew your birthday was coming.

Oh, wait. Silly me. He forgot because he dismissed what you said as soon as you said it because he didn't think you were seriously asking for what you wanted for your birthday even though the things you asked for were specific enough in nature to not be misunderstood. Why did he dismiss you? Sounds like this was about control.

I'm sorry. I don't know any of your backstory but I'm inclined to agree with KatyaCA based on the information in this thread alone. The blaming you part is blameshifting and manipulation- classic crazymaking and a hallmark of an abuser. The over the top love bombing to make up for yesterday is another hallmark of an abuser.

This was his way of passive aggressively punishing you. It was not forgetful. It was not an accident. It was classic abusive behavior and today he's cycled into the love bombing and forgiveness part of the abusive cycle to draw you back in and under his control after breaking you down yesterday.

If I'm talking out of turn here, I apologize. I'm going to try to catch up on your posts and if I need to retract my statements, I will.

(((Furious)))

ETA: I just read your profile. I am so sorry you've experienced the abuse that you have in your life. It's heartbreaking.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 10:44 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

According to him, it's MY FAULT that I didn't get flowers

He swears up and down that he got busy and forgot.

These two statements are contradictory.

I couldn't agree more. I called him out on it. He admits that he never should have said that it was my fault. Of course, he had a string of excuses (was caught off guard by me being upset when he got home, was tired after working all day, etc). I told him to shut up because I wasn't accepting bull crap excuses (I didn't put it that nicely).

I think my new name for him is going to be Helmet Head (WHH for short).

I will be the first to admit that I have never expected anything for things like my birthday or holidays before now. If there was something I wanted, I would always just get it for myself and put WHH's name on it as his gift to me. I can see where this time, he expected no different.

That was the old way. I don't like the old way. Now I am writing new rules and new ways of doing things. The old me would have just shrugged it off and kept going. I will not settle for what my life and my marriage was like before. It sucked for me. This is just as much new territory for me as it is for him.

I know without a doubt that WHH figured out that he messed up big time. Everyone's posts helped me. You all helped me fix the heel on my bitch boots and I thank you all for helping me regroup. I told him that I wasn't going to put up with his games. I reminded him that he made himself disposable and that I would gladly free myself up to find his replacement if he continued to not be up to the job.

I realize that he is trying to Hoover me. The biggest difference in that is ME. Even though I had a moment of licking my wounds, I will not back down from what I want and need in my life. All he did was piss me off more. He had better make this do over worth my while.

Just an update on my birthday do over this weekend.

I have flowers in every room of the house. WH bought me a Nerf gun along with several refill packs so that I can safely shoot the TV during jewelry commercials or him when I feel the need.

He took me and our daughter shopping and out to eat. While we were shopping, a woman wearing extremely short shorts basically gave the front corner of our shopping cart a lap dance. Our daughter was pushing the cart and she asked out loud "What is that woman doing?" I responded by telling her that she was acting vulgar and that was not how real women are suppose to act. WH told the woman "You're disgusting!" and took our daughter the opposite direction. I took over the shopping cart and might have accidentally bumped her with it as I was turning it around. She glared at me and I just smiled at her with a calm "Just try it" look on my face. She did her best to storm off in her stripper shoes, but they definitely weren't made for walking.

We went out for a late dinner. It started off really well. The restaurant turns into bar scene later in the evening with a live band so we were trying to hurry. The band came in early to set up and with them came groupies. WH handled it very well, not even giving them a glance. One was wearing a dress that was so short that it did not cover her lady parts. I'm just glad she waxed. I almost spewed my drink laughing so hard when her friend noticed that she was exposed and tried to tug her dress down to cover and almost exposed her top parts in the process. They left and she came back with a shawl wrapped around her waist thank goodness. It helped hide some of the cellulite.

After that, more girls dressed like working women came in. I had enough and asked to have our food wrapped up to go. At first, I thought I was being petty and jealous. Then I realized that it really saddened me to see such young ladies letting it all hang out. It just screamed that they were desperate for attention and way too easy.

It use to be a really nice restaurant, but they changed owners recently and have become a meat market. Sadly, it will be the last time I eat there.

I know I should be happy with the way WH handled things, but I'm not. I just don't feel anything about it all. All I keep asking myself is if this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. All I wonder is if this is as good as it's ever going to be. I can't help but think about how much easier it would be to heal and put all of this behind me by putting him behind me. Bring on the 2x4's.

Ok so he made up with the flowers and I gotta say I love te need gun idea.

I get your questioning if things wouldn't be être all on your own, but you have to make that decision on your own. It's ok to have some indifference in R as the BS I think it helps to have some power. I also think there is a certain amount of healing that BS have to do all on their own Learning they can be happy and complete with or without their partner. Learning their self worth.

This isn't any easier with or without a partner.

I do think R can be a great thing and rebuilding a whe new relationship. But you also have to grieve the one that has been lost.

Take some time for you. Let him keep showing how much he's trying and working. You don't have to decide today tomorrow next week or next month what you want. Give yourself time and let his ACTIONS help you decide.

((( and stength)))

Thanks tushnurse. I thought about you yesterday when I was shopping and passed some helmets. I was so tempted to buy one for WH.

I know he was hoping to really wow me, but it just isn't happening. I think his Hoover may be broke.

I normally keep a nice lawn and have several gardens (I use to own a greenhouse business), but I haven't felt up to putting any effort into it this year. WH has been outside all day putting down new mulch, cleaning up my beds, and sprucing everything back up. This is from a guy who use to never lift a finger around here for anything. Despite finding a huge snake skin in one of the gardens, he is still out there working on it. WH is terrified of snakes. Imagine grown man screaming like a little girl type of terrified.

I'm not sure I have ever let myself grieve my old marriage because to me, it was awful. I'm actually glad it is dead, but it was still 18 years of my life. It's something I need to think about.

Before now, I have never asked for anything for my birthday. I haven't asked for much of anything ever.

Have you ever explored why you did this? Why you did not think you deserved to be treated with love, concern, and care? Why you didn't ask for help?

Are you in IC? I ask because I could have written your post. Once, when I asked NPDx why he treated me the way he did he said, "Because you let me." There was a giant grain of truth in that statement as well as a look into his lack of character.

I spent a lot of time in IC, group therapy like Alanon, and here on SI.

I also read and one of my favorites is : Woman That Love to Much.

Have you ever explored why you did this? Why you did not think you deserved to be treated with love, concern, and care? Why you didn't ask for help?

Yes. I have been working on this in IC for about 2 years now. That is what has helped me get to where I am now.

I grew up as the scapegoat in a NPD family. I was severely abused by my entire family. Ever hear about those kids locked in closets being starved, raped, and beaten regularly with abuse so horrendous that grown men throw up? I'm one of them. Taken away and returned to my family more times than I can count. I have more scars than I can count. The only difference is that my story never made headlines.

Yes, I definitely have issues. I have worked very hard to reach this point where I am able to stand up for myself. To meet me two years ago and to meet me now, I am nowhere near the same person even though I know I still have a long way to go. It's still a struggle to get myself out of the house to go shopping in real life instead of online. Eating out is an exercise in fighting severe PTSD and the wonderful panic attacks that go with it. Nothing has come easy for me and this is no exception.

So yes, I own the fact that I put up with too much before now. I've paid the full price for that mistake so I'm not going to beat myself up for it. All I can do is stand up for myself now and make tomorrow what I want it to be. This is all new territory for me and I know I'm making plenty of mistakes along the way. But I'm learning everyday and I'm growing everyday.

Perhaps a helmet in the garden is a good idea so he doesnt bust his head open while he's running away from the garden snake.

Furious you should definitely spend some time figurin out you. What you want what you need and what makes YOU happy. Once you know that you will be able to move forward from there.

Let him work in your gardens and show you what he can do to make things better. Enjoy being treated like the queen you are.

((( And Strength )))

While we were shopping, a woman wearing extremely short shorts basically gave the front corner of our shopping cart a lap dance.

Huh? where did he take you to go shopping?

We went out for a late dinner. It started off really well. The restaurant turns into bar scene later in the evening with a live band so we were trying to hurry. The band came in early to set up and with them came groupies.

After that, more girls dressed like working women came in. I had enough and asked to have our food wrapped up to go. At first, I thought I was being petty and jealous. Then I realized that it really saddened me to see such young ladies letting it all hang out. It just screamed that they were desperate for attention and way too easy.

It use to be a really nice restaurant, but they changed owners recently and have become a meat market.

Ummmm.... again, who picked this restaurant? Did you end up going out for your birthday or just going out to someplace weird? This does not in any way sound like special treatment for you.

Bravo!!!!! Where is the standing ovation icon when you need it??

Furious1,

I commend you. You are one tough lady. You've been through more than I could even imagine, and you've come out so far ahead. Keep up the good work, and now, I'm waiting for my birthday next week. It's WS's on the 11th and mine on the 12th. I've been guilty of buying my own gifts too, or making them "Us" gifts because of the B-days being together.

You have made me realize, I need to communicate that it's his turn to make my birthday happen. Thank you so much for that. And if he fails, there will be several bouquets in each room of the house, maybe with all of the names of the possible partners he keeps saying I should be with when I leave him (ugh...like I'd want another).