SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please let me know you are ok

I got the same text from my now xww when I moved out.

fight, fight, fight, fight.

she is patting you on the head while she's planning on taking everything from you. Good doggie, it will only hurt a little while and then you'll be gone. That is what she is doing.

get a fucking bazooka and blow her little fantasy world apart.

quit feeling sorry for yourself. you can do that after you take action. file for divorce immediately. allege abandonment.

mike7, I WILL fight, no matter what you think. I knew from the moment my son was born I'd have jumped in front of a train for him. I don't need much more incentive than him.

But I guess I am in shock. Last night hasn't sunk in yet. I don't feel much at all to be honest. Bit like on D-Day 1. Blame me for that all you like, but I can only tell you how I feel.

I'm not you, mike7, I think you know that by now...

you don't have to be. i don't have all the answers.

but...... if she is leaving you, you have nothing to lose by playing hardball now. and you have a lot to lose if you don't.

i know it's sounds like i'm beating you up. i am. i'm trying to wake you up to what is happening.

if you sit back and hope she changes her mind, at the very least you will have months of pain. and if she doesn't change her mind, at the worst, you will lose everything. i don't want that for you.

if you act aggressively now, and she asks why, you say because you left me and have been lying to me for weeks.

i may be wrong, but i really think you need to come to grips with that today.

but please understand, my words are harsh, but it doesn't mean i don't understand what you're going through. i do. i have not lost respect for you. quite the contrary. you are a man who loves his wife and family deeply. a man who can't fathom how the impossible is happening. i respect that. but i'm also trying to wake you up.

good luck my friend.

[This message edited by mike7 at 12:02 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]

I guess I just need to know where she spent last night. But at the same time I am not going to ask (though it'll kill me). I believe she is coming back after our DS is in bed tonight, to talk. Not about R or anything like that, but about above all else, arrangements for our son.

mike7, once I DO accept she is leaving me (or has left), then believe you me I will fight for everything that matters to me.

saveus,

She walked out the door and chose the POS. She left HER(yea, I know, yours too, but,,,) son with you to be with the OM. What does that say about her as a mother, let alone a wife?

No Mr nice guy,

I'd have jumped in front of a train for him

4

it's time. She left him(and you) to fulfill her desires.

Strength.

Not criticizing brother. Hopefully goading you into action.

Strength

mike7, I just read your last two paragraphs. Thank you. I mean it. And I appreciate your help and advice.

I know I need to wake up. The only 'progress' I've ever made is when I've worried about myself and gone off on my own for a bit. Her levels of paranoia have got out of control (from me getting the neighbours/people at our son's club to spy on her, to hacking into her email account, to telling people I haven't breathed a word to). What does this tell me?

It tells me that presenting her with signed divorce papers might finally snap her out of it, but as I've said all along, I won't play the D card as a strategy/tactic.

But don't misunderstand me, I don't see what other option I have left now. And even if D did wake her up, would I want her any more, as much as I still love her??

[This message edited by saveus at 12:15 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]

Thanks 5454real. Whatever else, something is going to happen on Monday. What I mean is, I am now forced into action.

[This message edited by saveus at 12:12 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]

Your question, what does that tell me?:

it should tell you that your WW does not want other people to know the inconvenient truth, that she cruelly replaced you.

It does not tell you that there is still a chance. She is gone. I am sorry, but that is my take on this.

Now you need to accept your reality and protect yourself.

((saveus))

I'm going to give you a little information, not to force you, but just so that you know. Try and put this meeting off until you've been to your solicitor on Monday.

Here are some things my solicitor told me, in the uk....

Although she has left the house, she can return at any time, even if she is not paying the bills. Even if it's a year later.

Child residency usually falls to the mother, with contact being arranged for the father afterwards. This is where you need advice. This sucks, but get your facts before you sit and face her.

www.justice.gov.uk

Search for the form D8. It's the application for divorce. Read it through, and the advice leaflets. It will save you time and money with the solicitor.

Keep posting.

[This message edited by CantSeeInTheDark at 12:48 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]

Yes, you have to act on Monday. But be careful. I would avoid talking to your wife tomorrow, because she's been planning this for a while and may well know the legal end better than you do. She may try and goad you into a costly mistake.

She might want to take your son to the OM's with her. There are any number of actions she can take.

Can you simply not be there tomorrow night? Take your son with you to your parents' house, and throw a wrench into her plans? I have a bad feeling about this, and I don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone with her right now. At the very least, buy a VAR and keep it with you at all times.

Remember your statement last week that if she left, you told her not to come back. Well, she's gone now. She heard you and she went anyway.

You could also ask her not to return tomorrow night, just based on that. Obviously, legally she can return if she wants, so this would have to be a request, not a demand.

Be careful. I know you will - you've been very pragmatic about this, and not prone to dangerous outbursts. This is hard, and it won't get harder as long as you don't do anything stupid. I just don't think talking to her tomorrow gives you anything, and carries a rather high risk.

Oh saveus. It is despicable the way this has turned out. You are worth SO much more. I have no additional advice worth writing so I'll leave you with a favorite quote of mine by another poster...

You've been handed a free pass by all of God's creation to do the unthinkable: to stop being who we expect you to be and become the thing you've always yearned to be deep down in your soul.

Do you have the courage to take that chance? Do you have the courage to dream new dreams?

Right now you have hurt and confusion and loss...but you also hold the universe in the palm of your hand.

You're at the crux of creation, and the universe is groaning after you waiting to see what you will become.

And no matter what you decide, anyone who hears the story of you will be saying to themselves good for you.

Make your DS and yourself proud! Best wishes brother.

@MC_Jack: I admit I'm struggling to accept my new reality.

@CantSeeInTheDark & Red Sox Nation: You're singing from the same hymn sheet. My DS has school in the morning - though that's not to say she might not try to take him today anyway. I'll try to avoid seeing her but if she turns up this evening it could be difficult - especially as I know she'll arrive before our son goes to bed. And I know I won't be able to resist engaging in conversation with her. I wouldn't agree to anything though. God knows if we would talk about childcare arrangements or anything 'grown-up'. She may not have actually said that. What she did said was she'd give me 'the truth', whatever that means (when I said all I've ever asked for is a tiny bit of honesty) but not last night - we'd talk tomorrow (Sunday) night, after our son goes to bed (she definitely said that). Again, all on her terms.

Thank you Mercilesslynuked

Remember your statement last week that if she left, you told her not to come back. Well, she's gone now. She heard you and she went anyway.

@Red Sox Nation: Yes, I did say that I think though I said if she went to HIM. Right now - naive as I know I sound - I don't know where she spent the night.

Saveus, I was where you are and you won't make the pain go away until you stop clutching at straws. Focus, focus, focus on being a tactician in what is now a war between you and an enemy. In which you need to protect your relationship with your son.

@crazynot: I know you're right but I can't help it. Not right now. Not this morning.

i understand my friend. three and a half weeks ago you had been with the love of your life for 15 years, married for 7 with a beautiful little boy. all was right in your world. and now, three and a half weeks later, without warning, your wife is leaving you and your world is crushed.

it's hard to believe that life can change so suddenly. it's ok to mourn. and your world is not over. someday soon you will realize that you're ok. even if it doesn't feel like that now.

she has not destroyed you. you still have your son, and will always have him. it doesn't matter what your WW or OM think. he is yours and always will be. and you are and will be a good father. always will be. these things will not change.

given the track record of the OM, and your WW's fog, it is almost certain they will not last. They're brief fantasy that caused so much destruction will be over. And you will be ok. you will have rebounded and become a better man because of it.

you will be happy. of this i'm certain. but begin to take precautions. you will need them. i'm certain of this as well.

[This message edited by mike7 at 3:38 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]

saveus, I completely understand how heartbroken and incredulous you feel right now. Please excuse me if I sounded harsh and just try to protect yourself. One of the important parts of that is not letting yourself think about her and OM, where she stayed that night etc. It was doing that that led me to some of the most hysterical and damaging behaviour of my life, and memories that I'd take back if I could.

@Red Sox Nation: Yes, I did say that I think though I said if she went to HIM. Right now - naive as I know I sound - I don't know where she spent the night.

Not strictly true, you had someone offer to drive around to see if your WW's car was there at OM. You declined.

So now you're using plausible deniability to keep that shred of doubt in there.

It's not naive. It's just burying your head in the sand with your fingers in your ear singing lalala.