SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry to hear of more games and this could be a game...

Anything's possible, and of course if this was just a sick, twisted, CRUEL game my WW was playing with me then

She very well could have been testing you, to see if you would stop her.

From what I gather, you did not check to see where she was all night. So she could have been about anywhere.

Obviously the game playing is over. I think you should tell her parents at this time, considering it sounds like you and your MIL have a good relationship.

Your wife really has gotten away with a great deal of "Stuff" without any real consequences.

She continues to say we need to talk, and then you never accomplish anything in these so-called talks.

I would say the time for talking is over. The time for games is over. If she talks, you need to do all of the listening. Let her tell you of her plans and then you tell your lawyer of her plans.

She is treating you with extreme cruelty at this time.

Just stay strong and remember, all's fair in love and war. Do what you need to do now.

Saveus, you should quit "reading the tea leaves" with every bit of her deceptive actions, behavior, and words towards you. She is trying to manipulate you into a position of weakness to HER advantage. You need to think and act according to you and your son's best interest. Don't save her a seat on your train. She already left the station to go on the OM's train.

I’ve been away for the weekend and just caught up on this thread.

I’m so sorry, saveus. This really is out of the handbook – a classic case.

Please, don’t bother having a “talk” with her tonight. What is there to talk about that can’t go through the solicitors? She is only intent on pushing your buttons to get what she wants. If she has something to say, she can email it to you.

You are continuing to have very good advice – I don’t have anything to add other than PLEASE take to heart what is being said. Get those ducks lined up and protect yourself and your son.

Pull back from your in-laws. Lovely as they may be, their concern WILL be with their daughter. It doesn’t matter that you have been the most wonderful son-in-law they could ever wish for and that they view OM as the lowest of the low; as soon as those solicitors start the letters flying, they WILL side with her. Do NOT involve them in any way whatsoever in anything to do with your legal proceedings. Be pleasant, but they have to understand that you cannot allow them to be too close to you right now.

You’ve had the best advice as to how to explain to your son. He will be okay. Be his constancy in life. That is probably the best thing you can do for him. Pay heed to mommamountain’s and RSN's words.

From now on – document and keep everything. Others are right – she IS the enemy now. View her as someone who has been taken over by aliens. She is NOT the woman you married. Repeat this until you believe it.

To emphasis a previous post – separate your finances. Do it tomorrow. Take half of whatever you have and put it in your own account. If your WW is a named person on a credit card – take her off it. And that goes for anything where you are the primary account holder. You do not want to be responsible for her debts from now on.

my WW text me at 11pm last night: 'Please let me know you are ok x'

She wants you to know that she is not a “bad person”, that she cares about you. Once again this is about HER, not you. This is how it starts, until she grows multiples heads and turns into a hydra when she realises you are actually (gasp!!) going to divorce her. And not give her the house, the maintenance, the car, the savings, the shirt off your back and a few pints of blood as a farewell gift which she feels so entitled to if only because she was the love of your life for so long. Ignore it and concentrate on the path she has forced you onto. This is HER CHOICE. She has stuck a knife in your back and asks if you are okay. Really? She can f**k off.

Listen to those who have been on this same road. And those of us who have seen this so many times it makes us want to scream out “get off the train, get off the train, get off the train….” as we watch it gather speed and crash into the buffers. Saveus – it is time to GET OFF THE TRAIN.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:40 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]

my WW text me at 11pm last night: 'Please let me know you are ok x'

Been there, got that too, Saveus. Please see it for what it is--a cruel, selfish attempt to keep that bakery open. She is playing with your emotions in the most vile way. What if you knew she was texting that to you before, during or after having sex with her OM? Because she did. After all, at some point before writing this she'd had sex with him, or she was planning to in the near future. Remember this and keep acting accordingly.

There is zero remorse. Zero empathy. She is counting on your "love" (in her child-mind framed as weakness) to keep you hanging around.

What I see going on is a tug of war between Saveus and the rest of the patrons here. I think this is a dialectic--there is truth in both positions. I think it would be beneficial for Saveus to arrive at a synthesis. Therefore, Saveus, hear what people are saying here--all anecdotal, personal, biased accounts of how people went through their situation. There seems to be a collective wisdom about how to handle this situation. You know your situation best. Try not to block out everything of what people say; rather, come to your own conclusions based on your personal experience.

That being said, I cannot help but to agree with the masses that as long as you are hanging onto hope for your relationship, your relationship is lost. It's quite the paradox. Only when you let go do you have a chance. When you cling to hope, you lose her even more. Now, whatever it takes to convince yourself to let go.........whether that's to let go to save your marriage or to let go for your own strength. Whatever it takes. Let go.

I just read through all 22 pages.

Here's my my advice based on my experience.

Work your way towards the thought that you are going to heal from this and you are going to rebuild a good life for yourself. Work towards thinking of that as a certainty.

I came home from a business trip to a note on my bed and an empty closet. I didn't know know it at the time, but my wife had an exit affair (which is what yours has done) and left me.

We were divorced barely more than three months after that day with the note.

I spent a good month crying in my best friends office at the start of every working day. I get it. I get the pain and misery. Yours has different twists and turns, but I get the pain.

Eventually I decided, with or without her, I could choose to have a good life and I went about making that happen. That's when I started to get better. That was when I started to rebuild my life.

My most fervent wish for you is to reach that state. Know that your happiness is in your control, not hers. It takes time. But you are going to get there.

In the meantime, there is a lot of good advice from folks here and I can see that you do work to listen.

I'm suggesting that you view that advice from the perspective you will heal, you will rebuild. It takes time, but believe it will happen. Hopefully knowing that you are going to heal helps you to start taking some of the meaningful actions folks here are suggesting.

hang in there

Saveus

Act quickly now and go see a lawyer.

Protect yourself and your son.

Deal your wife some consequences.

And make her understand just how "sorry" she really should be.

And for gods sake stop listening to her lies and act immediately.

HM

Hi everyone. I was struggling a bit yesterday to summon up my energies (though still did my best with my DS and took him out for his dinner whilst trying to be 'normal').

Let me try to update you on 'developments'.

Sunday morning my Dad took a drive to the street where the OM lives. No sign of either his or my wife's car. After a call from my WW at around 9am, asking (yes, I think she did ask this time) if we were going to talk later and saying she wanted to see our son (I said she was welcome to come by the house a little later), I took my DS on a little drive past the house of the 'friend' I mentioned (the one who my wife at first claimed she was going to stay with) and, sure enough, my WW's car was on her driveway. The relief was incredible. But short-lived.

I spent the morning with my boy, took him through the car wash (a rare treat with money so tight but he loves it) and then - bizarrely you may say! - washed the car by hand, the two of us, on the front driveway. He loves doing that and soaking his daddy

Eventually my WW turned up sometime around 1pm. I was polite but firm and resolute, and I could tell she had tears in her eyes. So as not to say anything in front of our DS, we went upstairs where we talked for well over an hour I'd say (checking on our boy all the time - he kept calling me down for one reason or another ). It started about the practicalities (as, far as I was concerned, that was all that was left), which seemed to really get to her. She started crying, saying she didn't know what she was doing etc etc. I showed very little sympathy and pressed on with the message - 'is your boyfriend happy with you being here discussing things with your ex?', 'do you need to get back?' etc. Of course, all the while, I was thinking she'd not spent the night with the OM, and was torturing me (again) for some reason. Anyway, cutting a long story short, she told me she did, that he'd picked her up from there and she'd left her car at the friend's overnight, as she'd had a drink or two. I was crushed... again... though tried not to show it. She claimed however that whilst they slept together that night, they didn't have sex. I found myself asking my WW to reconsider one final time (last night), removing from her head any notion that there is no way forward for us as a couple, knowing what we both now know - this has been her standard 'excuse' for going to him and not giving us a chance (or allowing me to). She said we'd talk again tomorrow evening (tonight) after taking our son to the fair (we promised him and do this every year) - once more, talking on her terms. She cried and cried. We left on an 'up' note (cough). Or rather I left to take our boy to Pizza Hut as a treat (he's is the most patient, best behaved little boy I know, and amused himself all the while we were talking).

Once there, the thought suddenly hit me. What the hell was I thinking??? I was basically saying to my wife, 'you go off and sleep with your AP again tonight and then dictate when we next talk, and I'll be fine with that'. So I sent her a text asking her to stay at home last night, give us 24 hours and herself some space. Her reply was telling:

[My name] I can't! My head is all over the place! Last thing I want to do is mess with your mind!! :( xx

I mean, you couldn't make this stuff up, could you???

I then got tougher and pointed out she was asking me (again) to accept her sleeping with another man while married to me. I told her to stop acting like she doesn't have any choices, when she does. I told her I meant everything I said earlier but that I COULD NOT accept this ('sex or no sex' - what a joke) and that if she had that little respect for me (I think by now that's a given) then she was forcing my hand. She replied:-

Don't [my name]! This really isn't helpful. Please look after yourself! X'

I tried calling her but she didn't pick up, so I sent one final, strongly worded text pointing out the irony of 'look after yourself' and her not wanting to 'mess with my mind'. I told her I'd be filing for D in the morning (perhaps unwise). I told her she'd made her choice (I think she knows that and I'm just late joining the party).

Yesterday evening, after I'd put our boy to bed, she sent the following:-

Look I don't want to argue with you anymore! Note: we didn't argue yesterday. I didn't hear my phone! I'm not coming back tonight, things are messed up yes! We will talk tomorrow after we put [DS] to bed. This is all messing with my mind! You think you are the only person this is difficult for and you couldn't be more wrong!

At which point I should've given up, not risen to the bait, but I'm only human and replied:-

But only one of us is still married & sleeping with someone else.

I also said if and when we do talk, there are now only the practicalities to discuss. I did however let my guard down again by telling her I loved her and that this was killing me. I followed up with:-

But I won't be abused/taken for a ride/disrespected any longer. Yes this is difficult for you but YOU CHOSE IT ALL! Not me! I didn't want any of it

I had a miserable evening, rattling around an empty house (well, my beautiful boy was upstairs sleeping, and that helped - I am so fearful of the day he isn't) and ended up texting my WW around 10pm, telling her how much I missed her and how low I felt. I know, BIG mistake. Why do I keep making this one? I am trying to vow to myself again that, from today, that is IT for the deep & meaningful (though completely pointless) conversations. I've been reading up on divorce, mediation and agreements over arrangements for children. I'm going to speak to my solicitor this morning. That might make me feel better/stronger.

Around the same time my parents popped out to see if my WW's car was at the OM's. It was. For the first time I heard the ANGER in my Mum's voice. She was fuming. And demanding what you all have demanded too, that I get angry and start fighting. I wish the anger would set in, I really do, but I cannot wait for it while my WW and her AP could be plotting anything, I know that.

I do believe my WW is messed up. That's quite obvious. But I've got to stop trying to understand HOW or WHY she's come to the decision to leave me - us - her family - and just learn to accept it. I'm just really struggling.

I think getting the ball rolling towards D will help even though my heart is yet to catch up with my head (and is way, way behind). I just feel cornered, like D still isn't what I want to do but I have no other options. I keep reading advice in other threads saying take your time/don't rush into anything in the first six months - but of course these are probably situations that involve a remorseful WS. Mine most certainly doesn't. And it hurts like hell. I need that hurt to turn to anger, so I can focus better on me and my wonderful son.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Yes, I would agree with the majority here that there shouldn't be any illusions about the choice your wife has made.

She's also low enough to make you do all the heavy lifting here. Part of her wants to eat cake, but make no mistake about it: she's gone now.

I remain quite concerned about her plans with the OM regarding your son. If it were just you, you could take your time - divorce is more a legal formality in theses cases. A means to divide assets.

But when it comes to children, divorce is also a contract. You need to wake up now because who knows what she is planning and you need to protect your son and your parenting rights.

Again, get a VAR and make sure it is with you whenever you talk to her alone. Make sure your son is never alone with the OM - especially make sure management at the club or clubs or whatever these things are knows exactly what is going on.

You don't need to be angry. You need to protect yourself and your son. And, right now, she is an unfit mother, leaving the home to have sex with some stranger. This needs to be documented, and perhaps you should see if full custody is a possibility.

I haven't believed you're a doormat, or that you have made mistakes by asking her to stay or engaging with her. But... yes, she had sex with him last night and tonight... and no, there's absolutely no point in discussing anything with her right now. You can't trust a word she says.

And, I'll add, what the hell is wrong with her friend? Providing cover for her affair? That's another person you don't need to have in your life.

[This message edited by Red Sox Nation at 1:34 AM, May 19th (Monday)]

one reoccuring theme that has come up is YOU NEED TO PUSH YOUR WIFE OFF THE FENCE. the longer you let her stay on the fence the less likely it is that there will be any options left that ever involve you and her together except with you as an open cuckold.

the longer shes on the fence the

more likely it is you wind up with a D

that she choses to stay with the other man

that you get sick of it and decide to D

that your child get sucked into it all

your primary hope is to shove her off and do it hard.

-try to get OM fired. if he doesnt have a job he will be worrying about that instead of your wife. it creates more instability in their relationship. that favors you.

-change the locks on the house.

-file for a D and present the papers (you can change your mind later if you want too).

-out the affair to her friends, his friends, your friends, and family. ask for their support.

-move available funds to another account she doesnt have access too.

this exposes it all to the sun, affairs are like mushrooms and thrive in the dark.

its only when you can accept the idea of a D that reality will crash on her. the idea you can accept the end of the marriage and her understanding that may serve as a wake up call to her.

ended up texting my WW around 10pm, telling her how much I missed her and how low I felt. I know, BIG mistake. Why do I keep making this one?

Because you want to win her back. You want to open her eyes and make her realise this is the biggest mistake of her life. You want her to see that what she has with OM isn’t real love but infatuation. Unfortunately, you can’t snap her out of it – she’s too far gone.

I wish the anger would set in, I really do, but I cannot wait for it while my WW and her AP could be plotting anything, I know that.

You don’t need anger. That will roll over you often enough in the future. When it arrives, channel it into something positive and constructive, not negative and destructive. Always take the high road – that way you will have no regrets.

She claimed however that whilst they slept together that night, they didn't have sex.

The no sex doesn’t matter. Sex isn’t everything, as you know. Just being together would produce the oxytocin to confirm the bond between them. Cuddling and being together is just as important as sex in the early stages of a relationship. She is drugged up – literally.

I'm just really struggling.

That sick feeling we can all identify with. The feeling of being on the edge, wondering when you’ll fall or be pushed off. Limbo. Are you here or are you there. She loves me, she loves me not. Once you make the first step, the rest will follow. But remember – she can still stop this process any time - until the point of no going back has been reached for you.

The highly emotional texts from your WW are designed to pull you in, to reassure her that you will be her back up plan, to keep you in a holding pattern while she gets over her dilemma and makes her choice in her own time. It's not a deliberate ploy, it's subconscious - her emotions and hormones are all over the place. She has all the signs of a teenager falling in love – high drama. You have made your statement to her that you love her. You can repeat that as often as you like, but all that is doing is feeding her drama and her perceived "dilemma". If you divorce, it WILL be all your fault. Not hers. She will rewrite history. I afraid there is nothing you can do other than continue with the divorce process, if only for the sake of your own sanity.

Good luck with your solicitor’s meeting today. Remember to take notes as you talk, even though everything will be sent in a letter to you anyway. It helps to clarify things in your mind. Then, the very next thing is to separate your finances. If you don’t do it now, you will rue the days when you had the chance.

Just received this beauty from my WW (presumably tucked up in the OM's bed feeling sorry for herself, while I've got myself and our son up, given him his breakfast, made his lunch for school, taken him to school & gone to work - none of which am I complaining about, I should add):-

[My name] I haven't gone in to work today and also taken tomorrow off! I'm a f****** wreck right now! I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping and I feel like this is all taking on a life of its own! I know you don't want to hear all this, or about how it's making me feel but.. I have no idea how we ended up like this and it's also making me feel depressed, just like you said last night! I know you also don't want me to ask you but I need to know you're ok today? Well, obviously not ok, but surviving?? xx

"we're here because you decided to betray me and leave our family for your boyfriend. you know i didn't want this. you know it is your choice. if you can't be honest with me, at least be honest with yourself. you have chosen to destroy our family. please don't contact me anymore."

and then for heaven's sakes, go dark. don't answer her at all ever again. let her rot in her guilt. why you want this pathetic, manipulative, whiny, POS is beyond me. You can do sooooo much better. (sorry, i'm just not very impressed with her.)

[This message edited by mike7 at 5:20 AM, May 19th (Monday)]

Ignore. She's having a personal pity party. Let her get on with it.

She doesn't want you to see her as a "bad person", just someone who is having SUCH a tough time right now. It's not her fault, you know..... She couldn't help herself. She is portraying herself as some sort of victim and seeking your sympathy. She is adding to your confusion to keep you dangling. Do NOT feed her drama.

Keep to the script, preferably mentally, not actually:

I'm sorry you feel that way

I'm sure lack of sleep must be very difficult for you

I'm sure you'll work it out how we ended up like this

I’m sorry you feel depressed

I don’t think how I feel is relevant to you right now

Blah, blah, >insert other platitudes<

There is NOTHING you can do to help her. but you can help yourself by D.E.T.A.C.H-ing

She doesn't want you to see her as a "bad person", just someone who is having SUCH a tough time right now. It's not her fault, you know..... She couldn't help herself. She is portraying herself as some sort of victim and seeking your sympathy.

exactly! She wants you to say, i know you can't help it, your love for him is just too much. I'm sorry you're wracked with guilt. it's best you go with him because you're soul mates. Don't worry about me. I will always love you.

However, if you actually told her not to worry because you don't want her anymore. THAT would wake her up. I know you have to do what you think is right, but man, I wish you would tell her you don't want her anymore, but mean it. If you did, and you meant it, I'd be willing to bet she'd start to second guess herself.

Right now she has deluded herself into thinking she's the only one with choices. He wants her, you want her. She's just having SUCH a hard time with two men pining for her.

she will not change until she finds out she's not all "that." And really, I know you married her, but is she something special? because she really doesn't sound like much.

[This message edited by mike7 at 5:30 AM, May 19th (Monday)]

Saveus,

[My name] I haven't gone in to work today and also taken tomorrow off! I'm a f****** wreck right now! I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping and I feel like this is all taking on a life of its own! I know you don't want to hear all this, or about how it's making me feel but.. I have no idea how we ended up like this and it's also making me feel depressed, just like you said last night! I know you also don't want me to ask you but I need to know you're ok today? Well, obviously not ok, but surviving?? xx

I had promised not to read any more about your situation because I feel so bad you are getting abused. I am now sorry I did not stick to my guns. If I understand what is now happening she goes to OM bed last night, you text her how much you miss her, she takes two days off and will probably be with him tonight too at some point

He text back to you is ridiculous when she says she does not know how you got to where you two are it. That one is simple. She decided to bang another man and continue to rub it in your face.

People keep giving you advice. I don't think anyone else can add anything until you stop using your son as excuse to put up with this and do something to defend yourself and stop this one way or the other.

Sorry to be so direct, but I hate to see a good person like you be a human punching bag

+1 to what badhurt said

All of her texts are nothing but her trying to keep the door open for her to come back home.

She has clearly chosen OM. But..just in case..cuz, you know, relationships that start as an affair don't usually last long...she wants you to hold out hope that she will come running back home.

You are Plan B.

You told her if she slept with him again it was over. You need to stand by that.

File. And don't look back.

[My name] I haven't gone in to work today and also taken tomorrow off! I'm a f****** wreck right now! I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping and I feel like this is all taking on a life of its own! I know you don't want to hear all this, or about how it's making me feel but.. I have no idea how we ended up like this and it's also making me feel depressed, just like you said last night! I know you also don't want me to ask you but I need to know you're ok today? Well, obviously not ok, but surviving?? xx

What is it, 48 hours after moving out, and already she's setting you up to be the new OM once the OM doesn't satisfy her needs?

Now you see how the affair started. She has a constant need to be rescued. She can't handle accountability.

From now on, you're OK, damn it. You're better than OK as far as she is to know. You have your parents to rely on - that's wonderful. They can help with the dark days. We'll always be a friendly ear here. But she doesn't get the reaction she wants.

I do think this would have kept me on the hook for a while if my ex had done stuff like this. Looking back, it's a relief that the limbo stage wasn't that long. There's more cruelty in contact when your wife is with someone else than just about anything.