SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I applaud and appreciate your compassion towards your WW, SWAT70. You really are going to come out of this ok, no matter what path you choose.

As staff, we are consistently monitoring and encouraging members to support each other through compassionate means. You and your WW can come to any of us at any time if you need help.

If any of you BS's talk with her, don't beat her up. She deserves some criticism and advice.

The only people that should in any way criticize her should be other former WWs.

Other than that, it is against any protocol I have ever seen here for any BS to "beat her up", and most likely would get kicked off of here.

R ranks right up there with the hardest tasks ever accomplished. Mainly because there are so many facets to it. You have to deal with the lies, the truths and the partial truths and the wondering.

Then there is your own mind that you have to deal with. You wonder and you second guess, which makes it hard to concentrate on the task of R.

I cant believe youre actually considering getting back with her.

ShiningAutumn - I'd urge you to rethink that last post and delete it or reframe it so that it supports SWAT.

ShiningAutumn...

You have a PM.

Home wrecked as much as I would love to have custody of my children. I am a realist and see custody issues everyday at work. After divorce I'm a weekend dad at best. Unless WW knocks over a bank and goes to prison she will get primary and residential custody. There is nothing I can do about it. Everyone talks about equality and fairness but the truth is fathers do not get custody in general. Obviously there are going to be exceptions to this, but the majority of times the children stay with the mother. This is the system we have and nothing I do will change that.

Shining autumn. Why can't you believe it? I love her and she is the mother of my children. Am I going to reconcile? I'm not sure, shit is all messed up now. I've done what I can do to protect myself financially and with visitation for my children. I've retained a very good attorney and she is looking out for my best interest. I have had her served with d papers, but as a lot of other posters have said. It takes time and things do change. I don't expect a pity party and I welcome all advice. I don't know your story and I'm sorry if anything I have posted upset you.

BS's are not allowed to swing 2x4's at WS's in their forum. They are protected. She is safe.

[This message edited by confused615 at 4:20 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

Hi Swat,

I've been following also but haven't posted until now.

How are you doing physically? In the days after DDay, it's so vitally important to take care of YOU and make sure you are getting plenty of rest, sleep, fluids and eating regularly. We like to call it the "infidelity diet" around here as one this roller coaster starts, weight loss, sleep deprivation and overall mental exhaustion can become commonplace. PLEASE seek any help you can if you start to see any of these symptoms. It's vitally important you are taking good care of YOU and focus on your well being and health.

"I know I said I was done and I still maybe. There is so much pain, sadness and anger going through me and it is constantly changing."

Remember, you don't have to make any decisions now. There is no expiration date on how you are feeling at any given time.

You've been greatly wounded so it's more important now to stop the bleeding, bandage the wound and get your bearings straight than try to identify the culprit or press charges, know what I mean?

It's also perfectly natural for you to feel pain, anger, sadness, then back to pain again this close to DDay. Your mind and spirit are in a sense of shock and in a form of PTSD so it's natural AND normal to be all over the place spiritually and emotionally.

Good on you for your trip to DC. Please read-up on the 180 and definitely put the focus on you, your healing and your health. You're going to need every last bit of strength from this roller-coaster.

On your WW and her posts- decide for yourself what you need. Not what she needs, not what anyone here tells you... what YOU need. Also, don't feel any responsibility either since she'll get nothing but correct, fantastic guidance and help here. Rest assured the waywards here are wise veterans and the mods carry a big stick for any unruly shenanigans.

Lastly, please believe this will fade and things will improve, no matter what happens. A year from now you'll likely be on here pointing at new JFO posters "Ahah! Sounds just like my situation a year ago!" like so many of us are saying to you now. There are usually so many constants and so many things similar in this terrible infidelity train... and as much as you never wanted to join here, you are in good company with so many of us that have been through this together. You will learn and see so many things that prior to this experience you likely never even dreamed were possible. Confusion and things that cause frustration and inability to understand will become more clear over time.. it's just going to take that time and patience. It's just not on a BS's radar the things this experience reveals until after this terrible event.

Take care of yourself and I hope you continue to have a great time in DC!

SWAT, I might have missed parts of your story. Do you think there is more to this entire story than you already know. If so, making decisions might be hard until you have the entire truth of the whys and the recent bar visit.

If you do have the entire truth, and you believe your wife will not have other affairs, than R comes down to if you can forgive her for this or not.

If you can forgive her for this, than you can most certainly R and get past what has happened. A lot of people on here have done just that.

Medium rare. I am doing well. I've been taking care of myself and even brought my running shoes. I've been jogging a little but I don't know the area. The weight room is kind of nice here too.

I don't think there is anymore. I had lots of evidence I presented her with. Nothing I found indicated prior affairs or even a deep connection with OM.

My wife is selfish and self centered. I know this and thought it was a minor fault. Meaning she would pout a little and eventually get over things. Her affair blew that thought right out of the fucking water though.

I think she was pouting and in her selfish and self centered mind placed a lot of blame on me. I'm no doctor or councilor but I know how most people act. My wife's actions were not normal. I honestly believe she went to OM because she thought she needed to get some type of approval. When she is stressed she seeks out people to talk to. Me I work out or run. She tries to validate every decision she makes and puts a twist on it so she looks good. My wife hates appearing to be the bad person. She has tried to spin her affair and unfortunately I'm not buying it this time.

Sorry that got kind of rambling. Does any of that make sense?

Perfect sense. You are not rambling. Go out and do something and enjoy yourself if you can. You have advice coming out the ass here. It will be here when you get back. You know what's best for you. Go have a beer or something.

I think she was pouting and in her selfish and self centered mind placed a lot of blame on me

She might have or it might look like she is. I did read some of your wife's posts, and in a way I understand I think what she is trying to say.

My wife said something similar, that could have sounded like blaming me in the beginning, but it wasn't. It is almost as if in your wife's mind she feels she wasn't or could never be good enough for you. Which is similar to what I heard.

That comes from abuse in childhood or previous relationships or just low self-esteem. Too many times it looks like an excuse though.

I would hope your wife now realizes there is just no way to validate what she did. It would be best and easier if she didn't try to validate it. That is when meanings and answers start to look like excuses.

I am no therapists either and at times it is impossible to figure out what a WS is trying to say. Words and meanings get twisted and confusing and in the heat of anger, it just gets messed up.

Swat - I want you to rethink her having primary custody an you being an every other weekend dad. I think you see that primarily in your line if work because those are the people that get that. I have many friends and cohorts that share their time 50-50. Dad gets equal time. These moms work and share and it's better for the kids. It's definitely better for dads.

SWAT - I wanted to wish you strength to handle all that you are dealing with now. I have read your story and think you are handling things as best as can be expected given the circumstances.

I think she was pouting and in her selfish and self centered mind placed a lot of blame on me. I'm no doctor or councilor but I know how most people act. My wife's actions were not normal. I honestly believe she went to OM because she thought she needed to get some type of approval. When she is stressed she seeks out people to talk to. Me I work out or run. She tries to validate every decision she makes and puts a twist on it so she looks good. My wife hates appearing to be the bad person. She has tried to spin her affair and unfortunately I'm not buying it this time.

Sorry that got kind of rambling. Does any of that make sense?

Whether you R or D, your WW will need to really get to the why of her A to improve herself. That's on her, you keep focusing on you now.

However, I think you are just scratching the surface on her why above. Your WW had an affair with your boss, not some random guy but your boss. If she just was being selfish and looking for approval, why out of all of the millions of people on this earth did she choose to have an A with your boss. Her why likely has as much to do with putting you down as it did with her getting ego boosts for approval. That's just my opinion but don't overlook who she had the A with when you have time to process all of this.

Hang in there, this trip sounds like it is the perfect way for you to gain focus on things.

Swat,

Regarding making a decision on your marriage- NOT making a decision is still a decision.

I'm wishing you both strength for the journey no matter which way your circumstances turn.

K

Swat,

I would not look at your responding to your wife as right or wrong. There is nothing wrong with responding. However, it may not be in the best interest, at the time.

My thinking is this. She knows you're okay and has followed your posts. Yet she constantly tries to reach you. Even after you have repeatedly asked her not to. But she, after you have stated your feelings on the issue, completely disregarded it and did what SHE felt she needed to or wanted to do.

So, here we are. After DDay, OM continued contact. She kept that hidden from you. Only action taken after the public park incident, which you were present for. She continued to keep secret his additional contacts and did not report his violations.All blatant disregard for what you wanted, and what she claimed to have wanted as part of R.

Now, when you leave on a very beneficial trip that didnt include her, she huffs and puffs, as you have mentioned on your prior thread. Contact is still kept secret from you.

You come home, catch her in a lie and ultimately with her OM. Remember, "I cant" is not the same meaning as "I dont want to"

All of this comes back to her doing what SHE wants or thinks she needs to do. Disregarding your needs and wants. So, when you respond to her texts, even after repeated attempts to get her to stop, I think it gives her a green light to continue. Its not a show of concern as much as it is an indicator that after everything she has done, she is still willing to put herself above you.

Again, its not a matter of right or wrong that you respond. But is it the best course of action? Since you've repeatedly stated NC for now, I think your best course moving forward (for now) is to stop responding.

[This message edited by whipmorgan at 6:37 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

she is my wife and I love her. I don't want to be a source of pain for her.

This actually made me cry. It speaks volumes about the type of man you are. I'm so sorry for the amount of pain you are having to deal with.

SWAT...first off, I am so sorry for this. Be strong and take care of you!

Next, do not sell yourself short. You are entitled to a 50/50 parenting time with your kids. Ask for it! Most dads DO get that or something close in this day and age if they want it and are not an unsafe parent for some reason. Ask for it; fight for it.

Again, I am so sorry for this. One day at a time :)

Swat, whatever you decide to do, we are behind you. One thing I have come to realize is that I am the only one who can decide what I do in my marriage regardless of what advice I am given. You are the only person most qualified to make decisions for your life and your marriage. There is no need to feel as though you have to make that decision right now either. Enjoy your time in DC.