SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hang in there SWAT. I remember having the "talk" with my boys. Their reactions weren't as sad and impacting as with your kids, but it was the questions that followed that day that made them slowly realize the new "reality". Just give them plenty of hugs and assurances that you aren't going anywhere from their lives.

You've started the D process so think of it as just sitting in the inner tube on the lazy river now and letting the D process "current" dictate the pace while you handle IC/D business/work/time with the kids/etc., one by one. At the end of that ride, you'll know what you want for certain.

[This message edited by Jduff at 8:50 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

I feel for you SWAT. I remember the talk oh so well. So many things around that time were a blurr but I remember talking to the kids that it was over. Once they started to cry I lost it too. It was rough. My XWW was too much of a wimp to even stay during the talk. She walked away when I broke it to them. But remember this SWAT. My kids are fine today. It hurt them at the time but they recovered just as I did. Yours will too. Believe me they will. Just keep being the awesome Dad that you have been and they will be just fine in no time at all.

I can't help but believe she wanted him. There has to be something he had that she wanted

thats a logical conclusion and its one i made at first. my post may be a bit uncomfortable to read and will probably hurt BUT in the long run it will save you months of trying to puzzle it out. jjct (another poster on this site) told me something very similar when i was first finding out about my wife's affair(s).

you think ...

well, our marriage wasnt perfect (whos is) but it had some value. assuredly i valued it. i wouldnt just throw it away/kill it over "nothing" and without deeply considering what i was doing first. who throws away something of value without even a passing thought. i even have PROOF she thought about it because she was concealing it and the fact that one conceals it is proof that they did consider it, after all ... why hide something if it never even occured to you to consider getting caught and the consequences ... right? there MUST be something about this guy she liked or wanted or desired that i didnt have because otherwise why go to all this risk, why toss the marriage otherwise. right? why throw something away if you arent getting something "better" ... neh? all of thats perfectly logical thinking.

but thats faulty thinking. its trying to put some form of logic into a basically illogical thing. he didnt have anything you didnt. you think "if only my wife hadnt gone near this guy, given into him, hadnt been exposed to him ... or whatever ... that she wouldnt have had an affair. that gives him WAY more importance than he deserves.

she wanted and craved the excitement, being pursued, the lure of the forbidden, the secret life, the synergy one gets from being in a "new" relationship, being desired by someone new, having a form of power and control, etc.

none of that was possible with you because you have been her husband for awhile (an established relationship), there is no forbidden or secret life possible, nor the burst of dopamine from a new relationship or being desired by someone new, and an established marriage with norms, responsibilities, bills, kids, etc just can NOT provide what she wanted.

something inside of her is wrong, broken, or out of kilter. what doesnt matter right now. but its there, 100% and the proof is that she had an affair because that is NOT a healthy choice. so she had this broken, damaged part of her that made her ripe for an affair. that doesnt excuse her, but it just tells you what you already know ... shes broken inside and hid that from you (if she hadnt hid it ... well, then there wouldnt have been the possibility of an affair and you could have helped her or seen to it that she got help ... neh?).

so, not really looking for an affair but still ripe/vulnerable for/to an affair. it just took some guy ... not necessarily OM ... but just some guy to come along and pursue her, make her feel the things she wanted to feel ... and she would have given in and had an affair. if not to that guy then the next one.

so in some ways that is liberating. hey, there is nothing special about OM. all he did was give her ego kibbles and she gave him sex to get more. hes nothing special. in fact, all he has/had to offer were meaningless ego kibbles.

in some ways that is terrifying. if there was nothing special about OM then just keeping her away from OM doesnt really solve the problem. sooner or later this will be another guy coming along who will offer more ego kibbles to her. if she hasnt fixed what is broken inside of her then she will be what the waywards call "white knuckling" it ... imagine an alcoholic trying to quit drinking while hanging out in a bar all day - not the easiest way to quit drinking, neh?

the four really big questions are:

1: do you think your wife is willing to fix her shit.

2: do you think your wife is able to fix her shit.

3: what are you willing/going to do if your wife fixes her shit.

4: are you able to accept (acceptance is NOT forgiveness, its slightly different) that your wife made a series of disasterous decisions while a deeply damaged and broken person?

dont answer those questions now. think about them. watch your wife. see what she does. think about them. frankly you have between now and whenever to decide (a purely arbitrary time line because you can decide pre-divorce, post divorce, or whenever). if any of them are a "no" in your mind then the potential of R isnt there, if all of them are .. then the potential is there. what you decide is up to you. you make up your mind when you want. dont let anyone force you to commit to anything. think. watch. evaluate. judge. decide.

good luck bro!

I am not a divorce hound but with that said, divorce will not stop you from loving your WW, or R'ng with her someday if you don't lose hope.. D will just protect you legally..

For the rest of your lives, until there is divine intervention and/ or both of you decide NC, there is always hope for some kind of amicable relationship or R..Even after D..

But William hit the nail on the head for me..The thought process that made me decide that my M was well done..

The amount of time it takes between deciding one is done with the M to physically separating varies too, depending on the person and circumstances..So be kind to yourself..As William stated the time between now and then is completely arbritary.........

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:40 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

I can't help but believe she wanted him. There has to be something he had that she wanted

No doubt, otherwise she wouldn't have done it. My WW says her OM offered an "escape" and took her back to when she was 20 years old (see MLC). They knew each other briefly back in the day. Although they didn't date back then, they ran in some of the same circles. Single, wild and free. He had a built-in nostalgia advantage. Sounds like SWAT's WW's AP had some of that going for him as well.

But whatever, there's no good excuse. Strip away the wants, and the needs, and the excuses, and you're just left with really despicable, immature behavior. It's a lot to overcome. For SWAT, there's no wrong answer. But I like this advice from Jduff:

You've started the D process so think of it as just sitting in the inner tube on the lazy river now and letting the D process "current" dictate the pace while you handle IC/D business/work/time with the kids/etc., one by one. At the end of that ride, you'll know what you want for certain.

One of the purposes of SI is to indirectly encourage reconciliation

Is it? I never thought SI was that destructive. I always thought SI was all about encouraging people to make healthy choices. Reconiliation may be the healthy choice some of the time but given how many stories I read here where the BS does all of the work and finds themselves in the same boat a few years down the line, I'd have to say that reconciliation is not the healthy choice a lot of the time.

SWAT, please proceed with your divorce. You can stop it at any time, and that might end up being what's best for you at some point. Right now, though, I think you're doing exactly what you need to do. There is life after divorce and this pain does fade. You're going to be fine.

Swat, I can remember, vividly, the day that my parents told my sister and I that they were divorcing. My mother broke the news to us while my father sat, sobbing. I remember that a lot of things suddenly made sense to me, that had not before. I remember the shock and bewilderment that this was actually happening. I remember wondering if I was extra good, extra quiet, did more around the house, made all "A's" in my classwork, if I could cause this to change. I so remember that day and the days following. I remember that I, an introverted child, went completely inside of myself and probably seemed to be coping well, while my sister, an extrovert, acted out wildly.

I also remember that my parents never allowed either of us to express the slightest disrespect towards the other parent. That they both assured us of their love and that the divorce was in no way our fault. Being the person I am, I found all of my parent's divorce correspondence and regularly read it, as well as the on-going custody issues between my step-father and his ex-wife. My parents never brought up any issues to my sister and I. They kept it all Adult business. My step-father's XW told their four children all kinds of lies and blatantly did all she could to alienate "her" children from their father. Today, my sister and I lead pretty normal lives and are compassionate, decent people. By contrast, only one of the 4 of the XWs children live a normal life, and only two have a relationship with their father, and it is pro-forma, at best.

Guess what I'm trying to say is that as well you know, your children are going to be hurting. A lot. The more you and your WW can put their needs and support them, the better off they will be in the long run. Your instincts about being with them, getting them IC (wish I had had that), and supporting them are bang-on. It may not seem like it now, but the better parent that you are right now, the more it's going to help them later in life. Make sure that you are totally open to what they think, feel, and need to express, validate their feelings, and validate their love for you and your WW.

You continue in my prayers.

Never posted to you but support your choice.

I wish I had done the same thing. A HUGE reason I chose R, and this is embarrassing to admit, is that I know my WW would be entitiled to half my pension. She swore up and down she wouldn't take it, but I know what happens when lawyers get involved. The other reason is the kids.

I'm not saying I regret R, I just wish it was more based on love than pragmatism. I was never able to "let go of the outcome". Now it holds me back in R. Nothing big, but I live with this nagging feeling that I'm a chump for taking this AGAIN.

It's too late for me but I wish I had divorced her just to let her prove she wouldn't take my pension. Let her prove she wasn't going back to OM. Show me that she could be a co-parent. Then start over, preferably with her. She'd be quite the catch if she wasn't a cheater.

One of the purposes of SI is to indirectly encourage reconciliation

Um, I think that is YOUR purpose. SI has forums for D/S and NB too. The problem with encouraging posters to R is that it then is about the hidden (or not so hidden) agenda and not about the individual needs of the posters.

Its just part of a logical process and I regret that SisterMilkshake struggles with understanding the concept.

Well, that's unnecessary.

Sorry...end t/j.

[This message edited by nomadlady at 11:44 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

Look for a book The Unexpected Legacy Of Divorce: A 25 year study. It follows kids of divorce for 25 years. It's heart wrenching in some aspects. But like Skan said those kids who grew up feeling loved by both parents made it thru with minor blips.

Out of the deep. You got it. I'm supposed to believe that. It just doesn't add up for me. Is it possible? Sure anything is. But I trusted both of them with so much. It could have been going on for years and I just didn't know.

I think you may have to logically tell yourself that it likely was at the very least inappropriate during other times. This is something so so common. So often, the OP is someone known either through being a coworker, or a family member, a friend, a neighbor, something that has allowed that OP "into" the life of the WS and BS and life (and therefore, marriage). When we catch them, and realize all the years the OP was right under our noses and involved in our lives in some way.

In my first marriage, OP was exWH employee, she ingratiated herself to his brother, bil, and his best friend, her mother weaseled her way into being friendly with him, exWH had her taking care of me and my baby when I broke my leg!! she worked for him years then suddenly quit and moved out of state. 2 yrs later I knew he was cheating, but totally did not think of her at all. In fact, I all but practically accussed and suspected a couple of other women in our circles. Then finally, all the long distance daily 20 x a day phone call records fell into my lap. I literally almost had a heart attack. I'm not joking, I thought I was gonnna have to call and ambulance.

So, I know. How long did it go on right under my nose???? I feel you.

the kids, My kids were almost the exact same ages as yours, I have 3 kids also. yes they are the collateral damage of this shit that our WS do. Keep repeating to yourself that this not your fault, and NEVER let anyone guilt you into thinking you should stay for the kids. They WILL be okay, they will. don't get freaked out by "statistics" and all that. They will be okay, because YOU are a good father, and you would be whether you were sinking in hell or the sun was shining in rainbows.

btw, I feel like I need to add that my exWH OW did a really crap job of taking care of me, she is cold, stupid, doesn't have a maternal bone in her body, and I didn't even trust her to drive she is so freaking stupid it was like she could barely read traffic signs.

There has to be something he had that she wanted.

No, there's nothing he had and nothing you did wrong. She was bored, and bored women cheat. It's just that simple.

Other posters have said that it was all about the excitement of the affair, and they're right.

One of the purposes of SI is to indirectly encourage reconciliation

Respectfully, I thought the purpose was to support people affected by infidelity. That's very different than 'encourage reconciliation'.

I hope a mod can clarify this, pretty please

SI's mission is healing, however you get there.

If that means reconciliation, we fully support that. If it means getting out of a relationship that is hurtful or toxic, we fully support that as well.

It's so hard to tell from just posts what a person truly needs, so we try to guide people in the direction that seems the healthiest for them based on what they share.

It's a delicate balance of reserving judgment but trying to shine light on hard truths.

How are the kids today, SWAT?

I like this:

SI's mission is healing, however you get there.

If that means reconciliation, we fully support that. If it means getting out of a relationship that is hurtful or toxic, we fully support that as well.

It's so hard to tell from just posts what a person truly needs, so we try to guide people in the direction that seems the healthiest for them based on what they share.

It's a delicate balance of reserving judgment but trying to shine light on hard truths.

My perspective when deciding to recover the marriage (still legally separated, btw, but letting wh work toward recovery and I participate but I will never lead this wagon back into commission again) was that I knew my husband's flaws. I knew his goodness too. And while I might meet someone else who was good, I could never be sure they wouldn't do the same thing to me as he did. I trusted my picker the first time. And I got a good but flawed man, who during a season of boredom and self-loathing turned selfish as well, without considering there were consequences for him, me and everyone around him.

I chose to give him time because I needed time to be less cynical about men out there. About myself. Frankly - this board doesn't help calm the cynicism down

Anyway - just giving you some things to think about. And cheering you on for peace and healing.

[This message edited by k8la at 9:06 PM, June 6th (Friday)]

Frankly - this board doesn't help calm the cynicism down

Maybe it would help to consider JFO the triage unit before the hospital? Usually when people come here they are hemorrhaging pain and confusion. Occasionally there will be threads, like this one, that grow outside the normal panic zone and into more complex of a conversation.

Our Reconciliation forum is very good for folks who are considering R to discuss their frustrations as well as successes with significantly less anger and general cynicism in the posts than from someone who has just found out.

It can be pretty hard to draw the line between sharing our experience and projecting it. I try to encourage members to share but not insist that someone has to take their advice.

ETA: Sorry for the t/j Swat. You're doing an awesome job. We're all here for you.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 8:58 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]

i'd get the polygraph. I'd want to know the true extent.

everything else you're doing is the right thing in my opinion. hang in there man. stay away from her. gather your strength. remember who you are. peace will come and it's a beautiful thing. you'll realize that no matter what happens you'll be ok. and you always have your kids.

Maybe it would help to consider JFO the triage unit before the hospital? Usually when people come here they are hemorrhaging pain and confusion. Occasionally there will be threads, like this one, that grow outside the normal panic zone and into more complex of a conversation.

I agree - actually I misworded my comment - it's not the JFO board as much as it is reading/contributing, empathizing/healing/comforting on the boards that sprang out of a crisis called infidelity.

Trying to survive infidelity triggers my cynicism. Speaking from a personal perspective, not necessarily a factual perspective.

I hate the idea that I walked into an emergency room yelling about all the blood making me cynical. Sorry for my bad manners.

What mind monkey wrote resonates with me..

Except that given the attitude my WH has, we don't have a marriage even though we still live together...And in time we will be physically separated..

At this point in time I cannot allow my WH to take 1/2 of my pension either , because that would leave me impoverished and struggling

So I feel that pragmatic thinking for some couples in the aftermath of A seems to be the only option for a period of time.

If the divorce laws were better, cheaters would have to face some dire and life changing financial consequences for their actions, for many people this would discourage the cheating...

I realize that the divorce laws may have been set up , once upon a time, with good intentions, lol.... These laws were meant to protect the stay at home LOYAL SPOUSE..They do nothing to protect the WORKING loyal spouse..

So don't feel bad if some practicality or pragmatism has to enter into your decisions...