SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hoosier - I hit my husband head on with the question:

In what scenario did you dream up being able to stay married to me and having this thing on the side? How did you figure on God's Green Earth, that I would ever agree to that?

He had 30 minutes to give me a clear cut plan and start acting on it before I went to work, or he was to be moved out by that night when I got home. Period.

He had a plan - it took him two weeks to completely cut ties but I never agreed to stop the divorce process either. I basically said, "we're married now. I can't guarantee I'll give you enough time to end it because I'm not putting on the brakes on this. You have only as much time as it takes me to get through what I have to get through to demonstrate you're doing right by me."

He got the message I was dead serious and there was going to be no way to negotiate with me to keep the side-piece. And he got clear I was perfectly content to be alone, as compared to being married to a cheating lying scheming spouse.

read the previous post.

She could not have said anything better for you to hear and do.

I think she just wants MC so she can have more time. time to decide between the two of you. If she was serious about MC with YOU, she wouldn't want to be contacting him anymore. The reason she's saying she can't guarantee no contact is because that's what she intends. She's stalling to see if this guy really wants her and she's using you as a backup. I'm sorry, but that's what I think is going on.

You've told her no contact or its over. and she's contacted him three times that you're aware of. two phone calls and one email. I'm pretty sure there's been more contact.

So basically, you're her back up plan.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You don't deserve it.

I am sorry for your pain.

However, in the nicest possible way...

You started this thread May 12th. It is now 3rd June.

Almost a month has passed and she still hasn't made a concrete decision. This is unacceptable.

This should have been dealt with ages ago. By now this affair should have been brought out into the open (exposed) forcing her to choose between him and you.

If this was me she would have had 5 seconds then and there after confrontation to choose between her husband or her boyfriend. No decision would mean choosing her boyfriend.

Would i have been going through a crapload of emotions - absolutely

Would i have had doubts crossing my mind - absolutely

Fear of rejection - absolutely

Fear of having to restart my life - absolutely

Fear of never being comfortable in another relationship again - absolutely

Trust issues - absolutely

But there is no way I'm spending another second with someone who truly does not want to be with me.

After having been caught contacting him again, you could have phoned her family and told them that the marriage is over and asked them to take her in for a while (whilst you sort your own life out.) End of.

Ironically your fear of losing this marriage is what may eventually kill it.

VAR from last night's ride would tell what she had to say to him. Which, if I were in this mess, would be VERY interesting. You'll know who is pursuing whom, the depth of her professed feelings towards him, and maybe some comments about H and why she wants to leave but can't just yet.

K81a's question should be called the fogcutter. Her later comment sure addresses any backsliding.

I'd listen to the tape and maybe play it as your trump card if what is on it is unbearable and wholly inconsistent with the professed desire for counseling.

Note-- I assume VAR is in the car.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 8:54 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

VAR is in the car, but I haven't been able to get to it yet.

I am still very confused, but have not slowed down the D and have no plans to slow it down. The ball is in her court. It kills me that she has the control now, but at least I know I tried everything.

I'm not sure if I'll go to MC. I def will NOT go if she is still telling me she doesn't know if she can stop talking to him.

if she swears she will never contact him again, I think you should go to MC.

don't go if she can't guarantee she won't contact him. that's bullshit. That's a license for her to continue exploring her feelings with him and stalling you from your decision.

Iu Hoosier

The ball is not in her court unless you let it be.

You cannot believe she will tell him no contact no matter what she tells you unless you hear it with you own ears.

if she is serious she will call him with you sitting there. How can possibly believe she has done anything.

You are online now,. Where is she. Out talking to him????

She isdprobably telling him she has you going to therapy so they are cool for now.

Pl;ease read the post from k8la. Do you think her husband thought he was in control after she told him that.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 9:06 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

Here you go:

This is the attitude you need to have and you will stop thinking she is in control

Hoosier - I hit my husband head on with the question:

He had 30 minutes to give me a clear cut plan and start acting on it before I went to work, or he was to be moved out by that night when I got home. Period.

He had a plan - it took him two weeks to completely cut ties but I never agreed to stop the divorce process either. I basically said, "we're married now. I can't guarantee I'll give you enough time to end it because I'm not putting on the brakes on this. You have only as much time as it takes me to get through what I have to get through to demonstrate you're doing right by me."

He got the message I was dead serious and there was going to be no way to negotiate with me to keep the side-piece. And he got clear I was perfectly content to be alone, as compared to being married to a cheating lying scheming spouse.

The ball is in her court. It kills me that she has the control now, but at least I know I tried everything.

Nope, ball is all yours. She no longer dictates whether you offer the gift of R. Stand your ground.

I def will NOT go if she is still telling me she doesn't know if she can stop talking to him.

Good. If she cannot commit, the D goes through. That is YOUR line in the sand. You made the choice to nat allow 3 in your M.

Go dark. Run silent. Ironically, by filing for the D, you have made a stand for your M.

Good job.

Strength

i guess the ball is really in your court now IU. You know all you need to know. You threw down requirements. You stated that you would divorce if she contacted him anymore. Despite this, she did. And now she's saying she can't guarantee she won't continue to contact him. It is impossible to reconcile in this situation.

When I say the ball is in your court, I'm saying I'm not sure how to advise you. I think we all might handle this differently.

What she is saying is that she will not stop contacting him until she has decided that she wants you more than him. She hasn't decided between you and him. It's that simple. The threat of you leaving her wasn't enough to stop her from contacting him repeatedly.

I guess if she was my wife, I'd sit her down and have a reasonable conversation. I'd tell her that I can't believe she has done this to us. I'd tell her that I'm willing to go to MC to try to repair our marriage. but that I wouldn't do it if she was still in contact with her boyfriend. Ask her if she understands that it isn't fair for her to have a husband and boyfriend. Mention that she made vows to you. That you vowed to forsake all others as well. And then I'd tell her she has to make a decision. Either him or you. And that if she decides you, there is no guarantee it's going to work because of all the trust she's destroyed and the hurt she's inflicted. But that you are willing to try.

and then force a decision. If she can't decide, then that's the decision. And it will be over.

best of luck.

[This message edited by mike7 at 2:54 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

I guess if she was my wife, I'd sit her down and have a reasonable conversation. I'd tell her that I can't believe she has done this to us. I'd tell her that I'm willing to go to MC to try to repair our marriage. but that I wouldn't do it if she was still in contact with her boyfriend. Ask her if she understands that it isn't fair for her to have a husband and boyfriend. Mention that she made vows to you. That you vowed to forsake all others as well. And then I'd tell her she has to make a decision. Either him or you. And that if she decides you, there is no guarantee it's going to work because of all the trust she's destroyed and the hurt she's inflicted. But that you are willing to try.

and then force a decision. If she can't decide, then that's the decision

Her not making a decision is a decision.

She is showing you, crystal clear, who she is. Believe it.

She is saying to you: "I am not picking you."

IU Hoosier, your NOT taking action is a decision.

Please read this thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=514479&AP=1&HL=

if you haven't already, or again, if you have, & especially # 10, because that is what you are doing.

Ironically, by filing for the D, you have made a stand for your M

I would start by outing her. Did you talk to your BIL last night? How about her parents?

IU Hoosier

Yesterday you had another horrid day of the same bull shit and I know each day is getting harder and more frustrating . Constantly being told she wants MC but in the SAME breathe being told she will keep her boyfriend while all of that is going on.

Hopefully you did expose this last night to her family but you cannot give her a few more weeks with this guy and hope they talk some sense into her. I hope the conversation was telling them why she wi NOT be living with you any more and not begging them to plead with her for you.

My guess is the VAR when you get to it will give you nothing but more heartache and certainly not anything positive.

If you sit down or talk to her you need to be telling her again and again

THERE is NO MARRAIGE or R while she has a boyfriend

THAT YOU CANT GUARANTEE that after what she has done and is still doing to you that you can forgive her

And most importantly, that. YOU not her are deciding right now that she has to leave your home if this continues one more day

The Canadian WILL definitely be coming to see her if he has not already. If you sit by and let her do that you have just given up.

EVERYONE is basically telling you the same thing in different words that HER words mean nothing. Her actions do. Don't be pleading with her. She is not stupid and knows exactly what she is doing.

the problem is that IU appears to be plan "B".

Why is she still trying to communicate with the canadian with her marriage on the line? Because she thinks she has a "special" connection. Remember her comment to her friend? "I wouldn't even be considering leaving my husband if it weren't for this guy."

You see? IU is a fallback right now. He's the second choice. She keeps "telling" him he's her choice, but she's contacting the canadian to see what's up with that relationship. If there is anything there.

I'm really sorry to say that IU. But your wife is definitely hanging on to you while she see's if the Canadian is going to pan out.

I think she's in the fog of course. Canadian dude is really nothing special. The problem is, your wife is in fucking lala land. She's in a fantasy thinking he's the next George Clooney. There's no doubt in my mind that if you divorce her, this new relationship will fail. Something like 98% do. And why wouldn't it? You can't build love on someone else's pain.

You really need to have a calm, cool sit down. Discuss this with her and tell her you can't be plan B. She can't have you as a back up.

that is, of course, if you even want her now that you know she's essentially choosing Canadian and you're her back up.

[This message edited by mike7 at 5:51 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

Mike,

IU Hoosier has been having sit downs with her since May 12 and has been in Sherlock Holmes mode for almost a month and his reward has bed she is now not eve trying to hide her relationship with her boyfriend from him, but is telling him it will continue. That is why he feels she is in control. This is not complicated. It is PAST the time for sit downs. How many times should he let her tell him that. The only sit down should be either when she will be out of the house or when she tells him the Canadian is history and can prove it.

This guy is single, only two hours away, and I am guessing IU Hoosier will find out soon the guy has bed down to see his wife already since she got home from Mexico. How can he believe one thing she says to him at this point. Would you???

The VAR will reveal her true intentions. Either she's lying to the OM also by not mentioning the fight that had just occurred or she vents to him about it.

When she said she wants to work on marriage but can't guarantee NC, I'm thinking the OM is losing interest in all your WW drama and this is just her way of keeping the OM as an option.

You'll know for sure after listening to the VAR.

Regardless, your in control of your life, not your cheating wife!!

Going to MC with her still talking to OM is comparable to spiking your coffee at an AA meeting. It won’t work.

What I suggest is that you make one condition extremely clear to her:

Until and unless she commits to total and enforceable NC then you will consider the marriage dead.

Make it totally clear to her that she is free to talk to him anywhere and at any time. But not as your wife. It’s totally her call.

These two quotes from badhurt:

Joint therapy, hopefully with an expert on infidelity, if fine is you have the following

(1) NO CONTACT- not negotiable including a PHONE CALL IN FRONT OF YOU STATING THAT

(2) a COMMITTMENT THAT SHE WANTS YOU- Period

and mike7:

I guess if she was my wife, I'd sit her down and have a reasonable conversation. I'd tell her that I can't believe she has done this to us. I'd tell her that I'm willing to go to MC to try to repair our marriage. but that I wouldn't do it if she was still in contact with her boyfriend. Ask her if she understands that it isn't fair for her to have a husband and boyfriend. Mention that she made vows to you. That you vowed to forsake all others as well. And then I'd tell her she has to make a decision. Either him or you. And that if she decides you, there is no guarantee it's going to work because of all the trust she's destroyed and the hurt she's inflicted. But that you are willing to try.

and then force a decision. If she can't decide, then that's the decision

should really be at the forefront of your upcoming actions.

The first quote states the (2) minimum needs for attempting reconciliation--No Contact with OM, and a COMMITMENT to your marriage. You can't move one step forward without these minimums. But where I disagree with badhurt, and agree with mike7, is that part of helping clear her head, is to make the marriage look like it is worth saving.

No, I am not saying to be a doormat, and compromise on anything. Shock and awe is great, but there has to be a follow-up. The follow up is that if she commits to the marriage, then IU will ATTEMPT to save it with her. But until those (2) minimums come from his WW, then he has to press forward.

In my opinion, I would definitely expose. Ally yourself with the most influential people that still have a moral compass. Have the sitdown, like mike7 mentioned, and continue to press both your desire to save the marriage, but also your willingness to end it, if she doesn't commit.

I do agree with badhurt, that a commitment from her needs to be RIGHT NOW. The bullshit dreams going on in your WW's head are NOT your responsibility to correct. She either commits now, or you press forward. And that, IU, is NOT driving her to the OM...that is merely forcing her to stop this delaying tactic that is virtually ingrained in all waywards minds.

She already left the marriage. What you are offering, is a chance to let her back in.

JB

Agree with everything you said, but IU Hoosiers wife will NOT agree to either of the two points and is now close to actually flaunting it to him and telling him she is talking to OM

So how do you get to Mikes suggestion when that is her position? Like you said, she has left the marriage unless she can have it on her terms, which are not acceptable

I guess if she was my wife, I'd sit her down and have a reasonable conversation. I'd tell her that I can't believe she has done this to us.

I would do that also, seeing divorce as a very last resort.

It is not easy and sometimes impossible to discuss anything with any common sense to a WW, it might work with her.

I would ask/tell her why in the world she wants to go to MC when she is still talking to some other guy. That is another one of her big contradictions.

The latest VAR stuff should be the clincher though since it should have her phone conversation with the OM the other night after the fight. After the fight conversations can be very telling.

I would stop pussyfooting around with her and ask her just what the hell happened other than one kiss to cause her such confusion in life...all of a sudden.

I would ask her about other guys, other kisses and other affairs. Why, because I am really finding it hard to believe that one kiss started all of this.

If she continues the stalling with she needs more time, I would tell her she has had enough time.

I would not get mad or blow up at anything she said, that usually stops all communicating.