SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As a BS I have got to say this: if there is anything else you have "forgotten", get it out NOW!!!

The picture thing, are sending sexually explicit pictures so common to you that you would forget doing that? Really? Saying that you "forgot" told your BH that you think he is stupid, that he does not matter, that your secrets are more important than him and negates his trust issues.

The journal? Why keep it after DDay? Why didn't you destroy it? Surely sometime after DDay you thought of all you had done, recalled all your actions, and remembered the journal. Are your secrets and fantasy more important than your BH? Still? It looks like it.

Get over your own pain and find every little scrap of the A that you can find. Give it over. Set it free so your BH can make an informed decision about his life. He cannot find his way out of this without a correct map and you keep giving him detours and dead ends.

I'm a FWW who sent pics.

Whirlwind A. Boatloads of communication. Hours of chat logs. And while I could not tell you ever sentence I typed, I could give general ideas. And I knew every single image I sent him.

QS asked. I told him all but one. That one was something I knew would crush him. I swore I hadn't. He found out otherwise 1.5 years later. To say he was gracious to me is an understatement. His gut knew the truth. Actual proof was additional validation. I lied to cover my butt. It only hurt him more.

Get real SoSorry. Get honest. Otherwise, your life will suck. You happy with the girl in the mirror? You happy with the drama? You like the languishing in bed, crying like a soap star? What's it accomplishing? How's it improving your life?

When you're done boohooing about the state of your life and ready to do something about it, we'll be here.

Gotta be honest here, can't say I'm surprised. You can't bullshit a bullshitter, SS17. That said, if you were honest about continuing the much needed work on yourself, D or no D, you will stay with us so we can help you. Should you decide to leave, then my first inclination about you (that you are in a panic mode and will do and/or say anything to keep SWAT but should that not work, you will disappear) will be correct. The hardest part of this journey is to remain committed to yourself despite the looming threat of D. The work you should do isn't for SWAT, it's for YOU. So YOU can become a better person, a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, etc. It's not for the sole purpose of saving your marriage. It's so you can save yourself and in turn, hopefully save your marriage. The choice is yours.

And for the record, I totally, wholeheartedly agree with FRM. I TT'd, BH found a journal, found pics, etc and I too tried the whole "I didn't remember" bullshit line. It is what it is - bullshit. You remembered but you went into protective mode, which requires you to lie. I get it - that used to be me. You can change, but only if you want to change. The choice truly is yours.

Keeping you in my prayers and sending strength.

K

There is no remnants of my affair. Everything is out there now. I can't explain why I kept the journal, because there is no good reason.

The pictures are what hurt the most. I believed AP when he said I've known and cared for you for years, your so special, blah, blah, blah...

Swat and I have some tattoos, we actually have a matching one. It is a distinct design and while his is plainly visible, mine is not. I also have some piercings one of which Swat had custom made for me. I'm sure most of you have heard of "past,present and future" jewelry. Well combine that with "cops wife" jewelry and it is very distinct.

Well several of the pictures clearly show its me and my jewelry. My engagement and wedding bands are clearly visible as well. For some reason I couldn't send pictures of my face, but the rest of me, it didn't matter at the time. At the time it didn't even register with me that anyone would recognize me, stupid I know.

I've written out a time line of my affair with everything that I remember and left it for BH. There really is nothing else.

Swat is again out of town for yet another police funeral. This makes three since the end of March. Swat has been a part or attended numerous funerals for police and military since I've known him. He was always the stoic and strong one. But these have shaken him. The three were all in the county he grew up in before moving further upstate. I am worried about him, he has changed. I know that he is strong and will be fine, but I'm upset he has had to become a different person to do it.

but I'm upset he has had to become a different person to do it.

What does this mean? The funerals have changed him? I certainly hope you don't believe the funerals are the reason why he's changed....

Swat is again out of town for yet another police funeral. This makes three since the end of March. Swat has been a part or attended numerous funerals for police and military since I've known him. He was always the stoic and strong one. But these have shaken him. The three were all in the county he grew up in before moving further upstate. I am worried about him, he has changed. I know that he is strong and will be fine, but I'm upset he has had to become a different person to do it.

I have followed both of your posts for many days.... But your latest post triggers me as a BS. I am not a spouse of an LEO, however; I am a spouse of a retired SO soldier.

You state that SWAT has participated in several funerals of fellow LEO's in the last several months and "these have shaken him". While all of these would have been traumatic under normal circumstantial situations, are you so blind to see how your behavior has caused him to react, and to behave, differently than his "normal behavior"?

PTSD is common among BS's, but damn.... Your husband is not only a BS, but also a LEO, which facilitates that dynamic!

Under "normal situations" he most likely would have "soldiered up" and not shown any "change in behavior", but your affair as "shaken him".

Your affair has created a stumbling block to his character. My WS's affair knocked my feet out from under me...I withstood years, literally, of not being with my husband due to his service in the military.

Stop crying about your pain...think of SWAT's. All I hear with you post is me, me, me, me.

This makes three since the end of March. Swat has been a part or attended numerous funerals for police and military since I've known him. He was always the stoic and strong one. But these have shaken him. The three were all in the county he grew up in before moving further upstate. I am worried about him, he has changed. I know that he is strong and will be fine, but I'm upset he has had to become a different person to do it.

He discovered your affair in March, didn't he? Are you really still this far in the fog?

SoSorry,

I have been a frequent poster to SWAT. I am a BH. I want to commend you for coming back in order to help yourself. That takes courage. Keep it up. Keep working on you! Let go of the outcome, fix you first!

Strength

Wow. Thanks for the support. No I don't think the funerals have changed him. Me fucking OM,lying and the tt did that...I get it.

I do love him and seeing what has happened to him and what he is doing to cope makes me sad. So if that is wrong I'm sorry. Jesus everyone says how do you think he feels, but when I try to touch on it everyone jumps on my shit.

Jesus everyone says how do you think he feels, but when I try to touch on it everyone jumps on my shit.

What you can't see right now is that we're all actually rooting for you. This IS support.

We're all rooting for you to be healthy and happy. I get why you're defensive, but when you feel attacked and misunderstood here is EXACTLY the time that you should look very closely at what you're writing about and what we're saying.

Swat is again out of town for yet another police funeral. This makes three since the end of March. Swat has been a part or attended numerous funerals for police and military since I've known him. He was always the stoic and strong one. But these have shaken him. The three were all in the county he grew up in before moving further upstate. I am worried about him, he has changed. I know that he is strong and will be fine, but I'm upset he has had to become a different person to do it.

I think it's in the way you worded this. It sounds like the LODD's are what changed him in this paragraph. Probably not what you intended, but....

Again, I'm glad you're back. It won't be easy.

Strength

Hi SoSorry,

Rooting for you. Have you taken any action against OM?

Also, I think everyone here knows you are hurting. You don't need to convince anybody of that.

I do think the posts are kind of shouty-aggressive, so I'm going to dissect what I think a lot of people here are commenting on. I also think that the tone in a conversation is lost in text, so keep in mind I'm just pointing these out, not really attacking.

This makes three since the end of March. Swat has been a part or attended numerous funerals for police and military since I've known him. He was always the stoic and strong one. But these have shaken him. The three were all in the county he grew up in before moving further upstate.

This is something that happened.

I am worried about him, he has changed. I know that he is strong and will be fine, but I'm upset he has had to become a different person to do it.

This is how it affected you.

Try this: write out how SWAT discovered your journal. Write it like you are writing a chapter in a book, with SWAT as the central character. The word 'I' is forbidden in this. An example would be something like "SWAT came home from another tough day and opened the fridge to get a glass of milk." Be sure to describe any feelings he felt. Ie: "He was surprised and peeved to discover the milk had expired."

If you don't know all the details, fill them in with how you imagine it went. The point is to really imagine how he felt, with the sole focus being on him.

There is no remnants of my affair. Everything is out there now. I can't explain why I kept the journal, because there is no good reason.[

I'm not trying to be difficult, cruel, or hit you with a 2 by 4; but I disagree.

First, a remnant is:

the part of something that is left when the other parts are gone;

or,

a small piece of cloth that is left after the rest of the cloth has been sold.

There is always a remnant of an affair - it lasts a lifetime.

The affair is a remnant;

The pictures are a remnant;

The remnant is: loss of innocence;

loss of trust;

loss of love;

loss of vows/covenant;

loss of morality;

loss of virtue;

loss of respect;

loss of honor...........

"There is no remnant"? Please, reflect on that.

Do you mean? There is no more TT?

There is always a REMNANT.

My choice of words and how they are coming across seem to be a problem. I know I'm selfish and when I speak I'm very blunt, some would call me rude. I've tried to temper what I'm saying but it isn't working and I realize it isn't honest either.

Everyone here has been in my place and one time or another. The stories maybe different but our actions are the same.

There is nothing else about my affair that Swat doesn't know about. There are no more pictures, emails, letters or journals hidden anywhere. Everything is out in the open.

My BH is devastated and hurt beyond words by my actions. It is actually visible to the naked eye, if your willing to look close enough. He doesn't stand as tall and straight, he doesn't smile and laugh like he used to. He doesn't look right and he is tired. He is this way through no fault of his own. He has taken blow after blow and stood against it all. He has bent but he never broke. There are hundreds of cliches to describe him and probably most if not all of the BS's here.

So no more drama and lies. He deserves better and he will get it. It isn't as easy as it sounds, there is a lot of work to be done. But at least in my tiny piece of this world there isn't a more worth while cause.

Saturn, I thought about what you said. I didn't write it out but I visualized what he and my kids went through. It made me sick. This entire thing was always about me, not anyone else. There are several people affected by my affair and the four most affected have been neglected by me. My kids need me to be a better person so they learn to be a good person. My BH needs me to be a better person just because I wasn't. He gave me a chance to be that person and I wasn't. That is his choice to make and I will do the best I can to support his decisions and needs.

I know there are probably still too many "I's" for some of you, but it is just how I talk, or in this case write.

I speak as a BSO so I am trying to be gentle and I've read your thread more than that of your BS.

I know I'm selfish and when I speak I'm very blunt, some would call me rude.

Not rude. Selfish with lots of worries about making sure you have lots of attention and support on your terms.

There are no more pictures, emails, letters or journals hidden anywhere. Everything is out in the open.

You lied quite a bit and admitted to lying to yourself and admitted to believing deep lies of denial. I'm in the camp that nude pictures are things you do not forget sending.

This entire thing was always about me, not anyone else. There are several people affected by my affair and the four most affected have been neglected by me. My kids need me to be a better person so they learn to be a good person.

Why has it been about you? Are you ready to start doing the work to wonder why you chose such a path? Why you were willing to happily sacrifice the people and life you want and feel you deserve so badly? In what part of your thoughts were they when this was going on? I know where your BS was but what about the children? A couple of many hard questions that will be asked.

I know there are probably still too many "I's" for some of you, but it is just how I talk, or in this case write.

Stop pouting. This is a large part of what is wrong here.

one thing to keep in mind is that people are posting on your thread to HELP you. if they didnt think you were capable of being helped they wouldnt bother. helping you doesnt necessarily mean "saving your marriage" (thats outside of your control) but literally means helping you to become a better person, to get out of the wayward mindset, to wipe out the last vestiges of the "fog", and to allow you to help yourself to become a better person.

thus much of what comes across as criticism is indeed criticism but is meant as constructive criticism. i know it has to be hard to come here and get called out repeatedly on each post, it feels like you are getting body slammed each time. that you are coming back says you DO have character. it would have been easier to not bother. yet, you DO come back.

i may be the minority here but i DO believe you are trying. i also dont think you know how to go about it. i suspect that you have a lifetime of bad habits to unlearn and some (such as a whole thought process) are very difficult to change - you know you want to but yet you dont even realize that you in the same thought process even as you are trying to change it.

so take this as an encouragement. being willing is well over half the battle. in fact, in my opinion, it may well be the most difficult part.

i do want to address trickle truth (TT). NOW you know why everyone kept telling you to make sure that truth gets out there - dont lie, dont hide things, dont minimize it, dont justify it, dont, dont, dont, and dont. its poison.

ive been through it, i know.

not to thread jack but i want to share something with you.

in june 2013 my wife told me that she had been having an emotional affair with a guy for about 6 months, that they had kissed 3-5x, and that it had ended. she looked me in the eyes, re-committed to me, and swore she had told me the full truth. i agreed to reconcile with her not really knowing what that meant, how to go about it, or even what was essential.

a few months later we had an unplanned pregancy and our reconciliation collapsed amidst the procedure we had done to end the pregnancy. not because of the procedure but because we hadnt done ANY of the work to address the deeper problems or even her affair (which looking back now i can see we rugswept it).

in january 2014 we were discussing trying to make our relationship work again. i had found this site between june and january (but only lurked and not posted) and was better prepared this time with a much better understanding of affairs. i demanded "the full truth" about her "emotional affair". i didnt believe that she had seen him many times a week and only kissed a few times over a 6 month or so period.

my wife went ballistic, accused me of being crazy, accused me of trying to guilt and shame her (classic deflections), and then admitted that she had sex with him 5-6x. she then justified it using every wayward excuse in the book. she, again, swore that was "everything". i gave her 1 week to sh1t the full truth and told her that if anything came out later substantially differing i would reconsider my willingness to stay in the marriage.

the next day my wife came to me and admitted that one time, when i had been out of the country and she had asked if a friend could crash out at our house ... that it had been him. she had picked him up with our daughter, brought him to our house, they had eaten dinner with our daughter, put her to bed, but that nothing had happened between them. i was a bit skeptical.

two days later my wife admitted that when he had been over they had kissed on our couch, gone to our bed, and had various sexual activities in our bed.

a few nights later my wife told me that she had to confess some more stuff. this time i got to find out that she had also been sending nude photos to/sexting with a number of guys. she guessed about 5 but wasnt sure.

the next night was the last night of the "full truth" period. my wife spent the night vomitting in the bathroom and asked for a one day extension. i agreed. the next night she told me that she had also had two separate one night stands, both a few months before her (now grown to 8 month) affair. the number of guys she had been sending nude photos to/sexting with grew to about 10.

now, imagine how i felt after each talk.

she looked me in the eyes. told me "thats it" and it never was "all". each time was another betrayal that was (maybe) worse than what she had actually done with these guys. it ripped me to pieces.

im the kind of guy that doesnt even take asprin and could roll over and just fall asleep anytime, anywhere, anyplace. ive slept through bombs going off outside, incoming mortar fire, and slept in the helo on the way to combat missions. i dont only have to deal with her affairs now but also have to deal with the memories that i had shoved deep inside of a box of combat, etc. now i cant sleep without pills and i have to take medicine for the panic attacks, anxiety, and other emotional problems that leave me completely flatlined emotionally (i feel absolutely nothing emotionally while on it).

ive always been the guy that did my share and probably did a bit of your share too - happily helping out whoever needed a hand and never wanting or expecting anything back for it. for the first time in my life, i actually needed help. imagine how crappy it made me feel to admit that for the first time ever there was something that i couldnt handle on my own.

her affairs and particularly her TT has fundamentally changed me. i dont think that everyone has a personal honor code and is doing their best (part of why i helped is because i "thought" that some are just stronger than others mentally, emotionally, or physically and that the stronger should help the weaker) anymore but now believe that many are parasitic with no honor who try to get everyone else to carry their water because they are fundamentally lazy and morally bankrupt. i dont believe that the vast majority of us go through life with a "harm no other" outlook but rather go through life with a "do what you want as long as there are no immediate consequences and you probably wont get caught or in trouble for it". lots of people were involved in one aspect or another either by partipating, encouraging, or at least condoning what she was doing - despite it being clearly morally wrong. ive become cynical for the first time ever.

i also found that my values fundamentally are very different than those espoused by many and are actually believed by even fewer. my wife betrayed me - over and over - with lots of people - over a long period of time - and then when given the opportunity to tell the truth ... lied to my face repeatedly.

my wife and i are trying to reconcile now. have i "forgiven" her? no. heck, im still struggling with acceptance. i STILL dont have all of the details - we sit and talk every other night for a few hours and discuss one by one (chronologically) each of her betrayals of me. not just her affairs but each and every piece of bullsh1t she fed me for almost a decade (for example, this guy i said was a friend wasnt really "just a friend" but was a guy that i had been flirting with before i met you and i lied to you about our previous relationship and stayed in contact - albeit without flirting - for the entire duration of our relationship OR that night i said i went to place A with person X it was really to place B with person Y). its alot of crap. its not really pleasant to be (depending on the point of view) either 6 months out or 1 year out from D-Day and to still not have even the basic facts on everything.

but i am giving her a chance for a few reasons. it took awhile to get her head out of her a$$ but since she got it out ... i can see the difference.

she tells the truth now, even on things that i cant really check up on and volunteers it without me asking. not "even" the truths she wants to hide but "especially" the truths that she wants to hide. shes hit remorse and is more worried about the pain she caused me and our daughter than the pain that she is feeling. that shes willing to do the work necessary to fix herself.

i was at the end of my patience with her and her bullsh1t. i didnt tell her that. she changed on her own. that change is why im still with her.

luckily for you ... well, you dont have as much crap to divulge as my wife does. you can get that stuff out in a few days. go over each email with him, discuss what you were thinking and feeling at the time, discuss the affair in depth, let him know how it went - or put it in writing ... but GUARANTEE that each and every "little fact" is there. all of them. period. skip nothing, no matter how minor.

there is hope. your husband reminds me alot of me in some ways and he and i share some of the same thought processes as well as a similar code of honor.

when you chose to have an affair and to TT you chose to give up on yourself and who you knew you should be. your husband hasnt rejected you, you rejected him by your actions (the affair) and your words (the TT).

i cant promise or even guess what your husband would or will do in his situation. only he can. but, i remember when my senior drill instructor said that he "wouldnt give up on us even when we have given up on ourselves". thats still inside of your husband. its how he is.

your only hope to have a happy life is to own and then fix your own sh1t.

your only hope to help teach your children to have a happy life is to fix your own sh1t.

your only hope to a possible successful reconciliation with your husband is to fix your own sh1t.

thats your motivation.

[This message edited by william at 5:27 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

Hey SS17.

Just want to let you know that I have been monitoring you and SWAT70 from day 1 and I am impressed by the progress you have made.

To me surviving infidelity is not really about saving marriages. Frankly then it does sound like SWAT70 has checked out. Who knows – that might or might not change. Surviving infidelity is all about us as individuals dealing with the trauma and finding cures to our pains and issues and then moving on as better people. If done correctly this also tends to make us more appealing to our W or B spouse but the focus HAS to be on ourselves.

Irrespective of that then your focus should be on YOU.

I think you are probably a very “normal” person (and I mean that in the best of ways!). I don’t think being in an affair is something you really want or would see as normal behavior. But yet you went there… I think any and all effort you place on realizing why and what made you do that and any effort you make on improving yourself will enable you to become a better person. Irrespective of whether that is with or without SWAT70 as your husband.

Right now then focus on YOU.

Your every breathing thought should be centered on what YOU can do to improve YOURSELF. And then taking the steps and doing the actions that are inductive to you doing exactly that.

Strange as it might sound then these steps should never be focusing on what you can do to help SWAT70. Any benefit he gets is a side-benefit to your progress. For example; getting the total truth out about the affair should be done so that YOU are no longer keeping secrets from those that are stakeholders in the marriage.

(IMHO a great idea would be to journal your affair from beginning to end where you simply state the “facts” (dates, actions, names) and try to avoid the “reasons”. You can give SWAT a copy of this journal but whether he reads it and/or whether it has any positive effects on your marriage is not the issue. The issue is that YOU are letting the truth be known).

IMHO you should talk to the DA about OM’s actions regarding the pictures. Not because they are causing SWAT70 pain but rather because they are causing YOU pain and by not taking action you are hiding rather than acting.

Some will suggest that precisely focusing on YOURSELF might be what led you to having an affair but I think the exact opposite is the truth. Once a person starts thinking about themselves with the right mindset then the decisions we make tend to be centered on how we can maintain our integrity.

I wouldn't give up on your marriage; you have 3 precious children and SWAT will always put their needs first. The idea of only seeing them every other weekend may be very well unacceptable to him.

One gesture you could make is to give him a check for half your inheritance when it becomes available. He might decline, but its a gesture that demonstrates your regret and your willingness to share your good fortune with your husband. He may still divorce, but there again it may convince him that you are dedicated to your marriage and have a strong commitment to SWAT alone. Just another expression of your sincere remorse.

I really feel for you with respect to those pics. In your place I would die of shame and you do not deserve to be humiliated in this fashion. I can only think you have turned the corner with all the crap that has happened and the situation will get more equitable.

Stillstings,

The WS forum IS for WS's to talk about themselves and their actions and feelings. Please don't call out the OP for doing so.

Thank you.