SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

SoSorry,

I just wanted to say I have read your story and I am chearing for you and SWAT to heal from this and find your strength. Whether that is together in marriage or by yourselves working together to raise your children.

You have received great advise and I can see the progress you have made. You have made major mistakes along the way but it is clear your are committed to not making those mistakes again.

With all the great advise you have been given, I don't have much more to add with the exception of one observation. You are getting close to 100 posts on SI, but if you look all but 2 of those posts are all about you. This post is all about your insecurities and how it feeds your selfish actions - I think there is a connection.

One of the really great things about SI is even though everyone here is hurting on some level from infidelity, we are still able to remove ourselves temporarily from our situations, read someone elses stuggles and offer our support and help. I think you would be amazed at how much strength that simple action provides you personnally even though you are trying to help someone else. You may think you are too new and don't know anything that could help anyone yet but I can assure you that is not the case. Even if you read someone else's post and don't feel you know what to tell them - simply telling them they have been heard and you wish them strength is so helpful. Also by reading and posting on other peoples stories it will provide you clarity on your own situation so that you can work towards your goal of no more drama and lies that you posted above.

There is no requirement to do this to be on SI, I only offer this as a suggestion for you because I think in the end you will see great benefit from it.

I wish you well Sosorry.

The OM was a very "classy" guy. Now that you've been NC (if you have) He seeks to humiliate YOU and SWAT by those pictures being sent to his buddies and who knows who else. Your private parts are no longer so private. Imagine if SWAT's private parts were being circulated amongst your peers. I don't think you could handle that seeing that you get jealous even if a woman casually talks to him. You spent a long part of your life being a person you describe as "blunt" and "rude". That person has caused you to lose your marriage. If you have a chance with SWAT or not, that blunt and rude personality is going to need a character makeover. One that can use those same traits to be a help to their partner instead of using them to destroy them.

SS17

Have you talked to the DA about OM spreading the pictures?

I have a feeling that despite everything SWAT might say then it would be a clear message to him if you showed initiative and made that call.

People are jumping your shit because you haven't had your "lightbulb moment" yet. We keep thinking, maybe if we phrase it *this way,* your switch will flip. (Granted, I'm not the SI spokesmodel, but that's my impression.)

I know there are probably still too many "I's" for some of you, but it is just how I talk

Seems like you've gotten the impression that we're discouraging you from talking about yourself, and I don't share that interpretation. You're just so externally focused. Personally I'd like to hear more about your feelings, the introspection you've been doing, the books you've read, the epiphanies, big or small, you've had in the last couple of months.

seeing what has happened to him and what he is doing to cope makes me sad

Cue me jumping your shit, because you're blaming your sadness on an external source. Nobody, not even SWAT, has the power to "make you" sad. You are choosing to feel sad.

Aubrie: When you're done boohooing about the state of your life and ready to do something about it, we'll be here.

Yep. Waiting for the light to click on.

Hey SoSorry,

Glad to see you are still hanging out here at SI. Someone said earlier that it isn't easy so kudos for that.

So, one of the things your IC will probably work on is really working out why this happened. This will take a lot of introspection. Not so much reflecting on your situation, but more so reflecting on who you are and what drives you. Your IC is best for this but the folks here will try to help nudge you in the right direction also.

I really believe that is what a vast majority of the folks are doing here.

Knowing why is important. You need to know so that A) you can prevent repeating similar actions in the future, and B) knowing why will give you confidence when you have a better understanding of yourself.

A tempting answer is "I don't know" or "It just happened" or something similar. But things don't happen in a vacuum. There IS definitely a reason why. Also, avoid the temptation to blame the why on something external (IE: he / this made me do that.) Just as you can't control anybody, nobody can control you.

Also know that each 'Why' that you solve may lead to another realization that has it's own 'Why' to solve. And so you'll dig deeper and deeper into who you are, why you do what you do, and hopefully, gain an understanding of yourself so you can make better choices in the future.

Throughout all these posts there are little hints. I'll try to corral them back together for you.

Today he got hit on and I had to watch her flirt with him, and it hurts. I know he isn't doing anything wrong and he probably didn't even realize she was flirting. Well maybe he did I don't know.

Why did you feel this way?

I've mentioned numerous times in the past I was not good enough for him.

Why?

I always thought he would be the one to just walk away.

Why?

I was seeking attention

Why?

For example there were some women floating around him and I admit I was jealous.

Why?

There were several times I was mean and spiteful.

Why?

But he always stood by me, and I was often left wondering why?

Why?

In the whirlwind of d-day and the meltdown that was my marriage I lied and lied to try to protect myself.

Why?

This one is from outtamymind:

You need to figure out why you don't want people to see the "real you". Why are you so afraid to show your true self?

I cheated on a kind, loving, generous and all around great man.

Why?

I believed AP when he said I've known and cared for you for years, your so special, blah, blah, blah...

Why?

This one is from stillstings:

Why has it been about you? Are you ready to start doing the work to wonder why you chose such a path? Why you were willing to happily sacrifice the people and life you want and feel you deserve so badly? In what part of your thoughts were they when this was going on? I know where your BS was but what about the children? A couple of many hard questions that will be asked.

I contacted the DA's office and am meeting with an ADA later today. My mom, dad and brother stopped by yesterday afternoon and visited BH. I'm not sure what they discussed but everyone seemed alright. I made an appointment with a different IC. After reading through this entire thread I realized something isn't working.

After my family left Swat left as well. He said he had to go some place. The kids and I had a nice dinner and we went swimming. It was nice. He came home after dinner and saw we were outside, so he played with the kids. I just sat there and watched them, made myself some memories because it just seemed like the right thing to do.

I sat there and just thought that this was really awesome, but I felt that for the kids not me. He is taking steps to end our marriage and he has every right to do so. If the roles were reversed I know I wouldn't be a gracious as he has been. He informed me that since we have to be separated for six months before D can happen he is moving out of the house into the garage/barn. There is a small bed and shower there. He said he wanted to be close for the kids. The kids have an appointment with their therapist friday and he suggested I take them, and I will. This is painful because we are being painfully polite, when I just want him to hold me. But before everyone gets mad, I know he can't fix this. I can't fix it either. I can only be the best person I can be. It will take time and no one can predict what will happen. So I just said "Ok, sounds good." No tears or pleas, I just agreed with what he said he needed to do.

saturn, that sure is a lot of why's, huh? Right now I would normally be getting mad and shooting off some nasty reply, but that is just me validating my bad behaviour. I've tried to justify my actions way to much and it kind of boils down to this. I've behaved this way because I could. I always got away with it and I always got what I wanted. No one,not even BH ever called me on it. I kept getting away with more and more so I pushed the boundaries. Looks like they finally pushed back. Did I know about the pictures and journal? Yes, did I want to, no. So I easily "forgot" them. I've portrayed myself as a nice person and I always believed I was. But I'm not and that realization just sucks. I'm not whining or anything, I'm just talking to you all. Because honestly I just need someone to talk to, that isn't family or friends. They don't want to take sides and it is difficult in a situation like this.

But I want and need to be a better person, for me and my kids. I don't want them to think how I have acted is acceptable. My kids deserve better and so do I.

I don't know if I'm right or wrong, I'm struggling with all of this and I'm scared. I'm scared because I became the type of person that could this and I'm not sure how it happened. I'm scared to find out why? I know I have to, but it is how I feel. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I feel like I'm in a sinking boat and I just can't stop the leak. I feel like I'm failing at so much. You all have given great advice and support, but I just feel like a failure.

Your 'failure' or 'success' will depend kn what you do NOW, not what you have done in the past.

Yes, it is scary. Bloody terrifying! You have to go down a dark tunnel to figure it all out and fix your shit, but on the other side is a better life.

You can do it SS, I have every faith in you.

SS17,

Just another member here that is encouraging you to continue this path. Recognizing your problems, past and present, is difficult enough on its own. But changing a lifetime of behavior is an entirely different animal.

I will keep this short, but, like William, would like to give you some hope:

Look at my tagline, and look how long that I have been a member here. The "Heading towards D" will probably never be removed, if for no other reason that I learned that I can survive infidelity. There was a long time that I believed the opposite, but (1) this site has been extremely helpful, and (2) it is amazing how resilient people can be.

Like SWAT, I was willing to try to move forward with my WW. I thought that we worked through many...if not most...of our issues, and started what I thought was real reconciliation.

Then came my last D-day---The Marriage Killer.

A light finally switched in my head. That burden that you talk about SWAT carrying---was finally dumped off of my shoulders. I KNEW at that moment that I did not want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. Whatever fears and self pity I had about divorcing, and leaving the marriage that I had, were easily outweighed by my new revelations that I would be better off without her...and I made that painfully clear.

I also made the same statements to my WW that so many others are telling you--that she has to get better for herself and the children, because there was NO WAY that I was staying any longer.

So, as I emotionally detached even further(almost totally checked out), I had the divorce procedures running full speed. And I went about preparing to leave my life as I had known it for the last 20+ years.

That will be three years ago tomorrow.

And I am still here. And why?

It is hard to put into words, but my WW really "got it" at this point. Never once from that day did she ever beg for her marriage, or to give her another chance. She simply went to work on herself---with motivation that she never showed before. Three years later, and she still questions her actions that may have caused disruption/annoyance with somebody or something. She still goes to counseling. She is a recovering alcoholic(sober since final D-day), and attends daily meetings. She helps others in her group that are as lost as you are/were. In a nutshell, she has taken full responsibility, found her remorse, and continues to take actions DAILY to ensure that she does not falter again.

If you would have asked me 3 years and a day ago, up until 2 1/2 years ago, I would have told you that there was no chance on Earth that I would still be here. If you asked me a 1 1/2 years ago, I would have told you that I don't even understand myself, why I am still here.

But I can tell you now, as a nearly reconciled BS, that it was the actions that she took to better herself that somehow won me back over....without ever asking me to stay.

Please look at Bigger's last post:

Some will suggest that precisely focusing on YOURSELF might be what led you to having an affair but I think the exact opposite is the truth. Once a person starts thinking about themselves with the right mindset then the decisions we make tend to be centered on how we can maintain our integrity

Agreed. Put the focus right where it needs to be.

But before everyone gets mad

No one looks for something to get mad at you about.

People just point out behavior that is not conducive to your healing.

We see it because we did it ourselves.

About your former IC, you don't have to answer me, have you been completely honest with them?

Can you see where you may have tip the counseling in your favor?

SoSorry,

I kept getting away with more and more so I pushed the boundaries. Looks like they finally pushed back.

Thanks for saying this. This is something I've struggled with a lot as well, the "entitlement" that stems from years and years of always getting what you want, never being told no, etc.

Because honestly I just need someone to talk to, that isn't family or friends. They don't want to take sides and it is difficult in a situation like this.

# 1, we are here, and you can talk to us. Don't let people calling you on your bullshit sway you from talking to us.

# 2, I am encouraged to see what you wrote there. In the past, even as recent as a week ago, you might have talked to friends & family anyway, even knowing it was selfish. NOW, you are here talking to us instead, sparing them from having to take sides. In my opinion, this shows progress that you're starting to understand.

I congratulate you on this - because even 2 years out from our DDay(s), it's something I still struggle with - the selfishness of wanting my W to know everything.

Again, just IMO, I think you're on the right path. I don't want to make you think something is happening that may not be, such as R, but I want you to know you're doing some things right.

Even though you have a long way to go, sometimes we just need a little encouragement that we're on the right path.

Still hoping for you, SoSorry. Keep it up.

SoSorry17

I'm struggling with all of this and I'm scared. I'm scared because I became the type of person that could this and I'm not sure how it happened. I'm scared to find out why?

Oh gosh yes I remember this feeling. It all seems like such a big scary pile of ick that can never be untangled. It can be, though, and you are the only person who can do it. It takes a while and it is a lot of work but it is WORTH it.

Keep reading and posting. You will get much support here.

Welcome to the path of healing from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

FRM...thanks for that. I don't mind answering at all. I know I wasn't completely honest and I'm sure she knew it. But she didn't ever call me out on it either. It seemed to me like she was looking for excuses for me as well. Hell you all don't let me get away with nothing so why is she?

Regretful. Thank you as well. Entitlement is it exactly. Spoiled and selfish work to. I haven't heard "no" a lot in my life. I've pushed and pushed and BH allowed it. I'm not blaming him, he loved and trusted me. But every time I pushed the line a little further, everyone accepted it or I turned into a not so nice person. Always getting what you want becomes addicting. There is a rush every time the line moves.Lines moved let's push it just a little further. Well I stepped over the line and now I want to go back. I can't...but I want to.

I had my meeting with the ADA nice and early this morning. I'm getting sick of seeing that office. They are going to look into it, more along the lines of harassment or stalking, due to the PO. They didn't recommend a civil suit because I did send the pictures willingly. The ADA also said that civil suits are posted on the county web page and the complaint is all written out, so everyone could read the basis of the case. Not something I'm interested in.

So I've taken a couple of baby steps and it feels alright. I wrote a pretty detailed time line and one that is pretty much dates and times. I sent BH a message that he can have them if he wants. I'm not going to partake in the drama anymore. AP and I have done enough damage. It is time to stop the bleeding and start the healing. I know that we are going our separate ways and I can survive.

It will be strange seeing him everyday but not being together. We are going to tell the kids later today. He said he talked to their therapist and has it planned out. I'm glad because I would make a mess of it.

So I'm letting him go. I've signed the papers and leaving him alone. He has earned it. Its time to stand on my own feet and move forward. I'm not a little girl anymore, its time to start acting like an adult.

It seemed to me like she was looking for excuses for me as well. Hell you all don't let me get away with nothing so why is she?

Because not all IC should be IC. Being an IC doesn't mean they're good IC. There are stories all over SI about insane therapists. Those who find excuses. Those who condone. Those who push rug-sweeping. Find a good therapist. One who is experienced in infidelity.

its time to start acting like an adult.

And the congregation all said "Amen".

Oh..I almost forgot. I've read a bunch of posts and lots of people recommend a polygraph for waywards. I'm wondering what you all think. I'm willing to take one and I swear there is nothing else.

Thanks Aubrie.

So I'm letting him go. I've signed the papers and leaving him alone. He has earned it. Its time to stand on my own feet and move forward. I'm not a little girl anymore, its time to start acting like an adult.

If this is true, Why would you need to take a polygraph?

what would be the point of the polygraph?

I don't know if I'm right or wrong, I'm struggling with all of this and I'm scared. I'm scared because I became the type of person that could this and I'm not sure how it happened. I'm scared to find out why? I know I have to, but it is how I feel. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I feel like I'm in a sinking boat and I just can't stop the leak. I feel like I'm failing at so much. You all have given great advice and support, but I just feel like a failure.

^^^ This is you beginning to "get it." It's a bit left-handed, but this is intended as a compliment. It's the first thing you've written where I didn't want to reach through the PC and shake you.

Keep it up.

I have read a lot here and that is often a suggestion. I wrote some pretty awful stuff in that journal. I've never seen anyone look the way he did that day. I was thinking it would give him some peace of mind. If I'm wrong so be it, but it has been suggested so many times I thought it might be a good thing for him.

Congrats on moving to the next step, whatever that may be.

This website is very appropriately named - it's not "Reconciling infidelity", it's SURVIVING it.

And you will. Trust in that. Life will go on for you, and your H, and your kids, and it will be ok. It will be difficult for a while, perhaps a long time, but it will be ok.

One thing I do want to call you out on, gently...

I wrote a pretty detailed time line and one that is pretty much dates and times.

Not enough. Write the timeline with EVERYTHING you can remember. Let him choose if he wants to see it, and whether he wants to read it all, but "pretty much" doesn't cut it anymore.

An A is the picture-perfect definition of not giving all your your marriage. You had one. You didn't give it all.

Give it your all now, even if it's giving your all to helping your H move through this next process.

Be a better person for him and for your children, but above all, be a better person for YOU.

You can do this.