SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

..(((((((melzee)))))))))

sending strength and hope to you during this 'worst of times'..

..33 years!!!.. is so many years to be fooled.. too many years!!!

smy

Hit send on that email. It's a very well-written message for JFO and your WH needs to see what you think of him as a long-term husband.

Let us know what his response was.....

((((melzee)))) Sending you strength, honey.

Melzee, I'm so very sorry for your pain. I am disgusted that your husband is capable of throwing away 33years of love . I'm praying for strength and healing for you.

Melzee, welcome to our group you will find the best support in the world here. First off this is all very painful we have all been through it and we will all also tell you it gets better.

Don't send that letter, keep writing it and posting here as it is therapeutic. If you send it it will come across to your WH as weakness.Realize your WH is not the man you were married to, he is some other creature that you never new existed. Also it is important to understand this is not your fault, you did not cause this, you can not fix this (only your WH can). I was married for over 22 years and was 51 when I got divorced and my life is wonderful now. If this winds up being a deal breaker and your marriage ends there is a better life out there for you and you can find it.

Also your WH is in a fantasy land and you can not reason him out of it (another reason not to send the letter). If you want to try to R then he needs to get out of the fantasy. You have been advised of the 180, it is critical to follow that.

Follow through with your plan to meet with your children to let them know. Get to an attorney ASAP (not a word to your WH) find out all your options and file for divorce. If that doesn't bring him out of his fantasy nothing will, if he does wake up and prove he truly wants to R then you can always put the D on hold.

I didn't find SI until it was too late, and I tried to be nice. For normal people your first instinct is to be nice, play fair, and try to woo the wayward back. That will only get you more pain. You need to think only of whats best for you, do not worry about him he made his mess and he can wallow in it. As the BW on this site say "it is time to put your bitch boots on!" It is the only thing he will respect and the only chance you have to protect yourself and possibly break his fantasy.

BSB

Hugs to you.

It was all I could do the first few weeks after Dday, was just breath. I just try to breath through the intense waves of pain that washed over me, that literally brought me to the floor. I was devastated.

I took a lot of hot baths and drank a lot of hot tea. I called my family and cried. I saw an attorney to find out my rights and get advice. My thinking was not clear so I sought good advice.

I wrote letters to him and the other woman that I did not send. I screamed in my car. I started therapy to learn how to move through this. Posted messages on here and read the Healing Library.

As time went on, I started the 180. He kicked me out of the house when I confronted him and I moved to the vacation home. I blocked his emails and ended up changing my cell phone number to avoid his text messages. I stopped calling him, stopped all contact with him. Someone once told me no contact = no new pain, and I found that was true for me.

I joined support groups and sat in a room full of people who's marriages were shattered by affairs. It seems that I met so many people that have walked through this.

You will find a reserve of strength that you never knew you had.

Be truthful with your adult children. Do not take responsibility for his affair, it had nothing to do with you.

Dear Mel,

Many of us here have found out in our late 40's and 50's.

You will make it. You will survive and thrive.

{{{{hugs}}}}

k9

I agree too...dont send the letter. The truth is that anything you say or do will go through his infidelity filter and come out with a complettely different meaning. The very best thing he can hear from you is CRICKETS. Not a peep...not a sound. If he shows up to get his clothes...just get in your car and leave. Let him get a big, powerful dose of life with Melzee! If he comes back whining just say, "Im so hurt by your betrayal of this very good family." Dont say any other words....just repeat that sentence every time he asks you a question. Make him leave. Do not let his crying and begging earn him anything except the truth, "I am so hurt by your betrayal of our very good family." If he is TRULY sorry and he does actually realize his mistake he will not give up on you. In the meantime do NOT worry about where he is or what he is thinking. Focus on yourself and your kids only. Print out the 180 and choose a few steps to get started on TODAY! Focus focus focus. We are here for you girl.

So sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't send the letter. You will only hurt more by him either ignoring the letter or by him giving an answer that isn't what you were hoping for.

See an attorney ASAP! In my state since you (like me) are in a long term marriage, half of all assets and debt is yours. It's basically a business and split down the middle. So that may set your mind at ease if it is similar in your state.

Practice the 180, breathe, and stay calm. You have many years ahead of you.

Keep posting.

I am so sorry for your pain.

I too was 51, M 25 years, living in a State with no family, when I learned of my WH disgusting A. I, however, did hate my WH...with ever fiber of my being...and made that quite clear to him. It was the most devastating experience of my entire life.

I am 3 1/2 years out and am in a much better place. Yes, my M survived this nightmare but it was a long, difficult, journey.

I am not saying that this will work for you but here is what I did:

1) On dday I told him to go and live with MOW. He never left.

2) Never once did I beg. I always believed, during our entire M, that he was lucky to have me...because he was/is.

3) I agreed to give him a 2nd chance but I immediately started to plan for the worse, D.

4) Within days I contacted more than one attorney and asked many questions. Learned my rights, what to expect, actions to take.

5) Within 10 days I had set up IC for each of us.

6) Purchased a VAR (voice activated recorder) and secretly taped our conversations getting him to admit and offer up details of the A. Attorney informed me that in my State this info was admissible.

7) Started to pull together financial documentation, legal documents, and proof of the A. Wrote everything down so that when he engaged in TT (trickle truth) I could show him proof of his lies.

8) I was mad as hell and was never afraid of showing that. Nothing silenced me.

9) Never lived in fear of him leaving. I did and said whatever I wanted (no brain to mouth editing for me). Asked anything and everything. Drilled him day and night.

10) I expected a lot. I received a lot. I was always fair...letting him know, sometimes daily, that if he did not like it he could get the f&*k out.

You are in a terrible place right now but please know, you will survive ~ with or without him.

Wishing you strength. (((melzee + adult children)))

What is the 180?

(((Melzee))). So sorry you have had to join our club.

The 180 is outlined in a post entitled 'Understanding the 180' on page 2 of the Just Found Out thread. There is also a lot of helpful information to be found in the Healing Library ( click on the link above Dr Phil's head.)

We all know how devastating this is. Try to take care of yourself.

Hit send on that email. It's a very well-written message for JFO and your WH needs to see what you think of him as a long-term husband.

Let us know what his response was.....

I have to agree with Gonnabe on this.

Don't be silenced at this point. Your voice was silenced by their deception. You deserve to be heard and he deserves to see the devastation he has caused. There is no reason he shouldn't know the gravity of what he has done BUT have no expectations of a certain kind of response. What he does with this information, will tell you volumes and help you decide what steps to take next.

It' will be important that once you send this, you shut off ways for him to hurt you further. After you send the email, start the 180, and only allow him contact on your terms.

((melzee))

OMG,,I am in a freaakin whirlwind. He called me last night, I answered suprisingly and he was sobbing, sorry,wanted to come home,yada yada yada..I said yes. He came in sobbing and explaining that he was so sorry,that he loves me, wants me, in love with me. He said that it was like his entire life flashed before him as he opened his suitcase to unpack and couldnt. He said he sobbed and was uncontrollable and knew he was not where he should be and he will do what ever it takes to make this work. Am I crazy, I believe him?? I dont trust him but I believe his feelings, in all the years I have never seen him like this, that is why I belive him. He wants counsling, I set up an appt for next week. He said what ever it takes,,i am willing to try, I cant let 33 years go, but my head is reeling. My entire life has been turned upside down in 48 hours. i did all i could today to get thru work. Then on the quiet times of driving,(my commute is 75min each way) I have all this time to think, cry,what does she look like? where did they go? what did they doo?? If he kisses me, is he thinking of her? If we make love,is he seeing her?? is she prettier?? skinnier?? OMG,,I am driving myself crazy!! I ant to ask, but do I really want to know?? Yes, No ,,I dont know!!! Do i want to see emails?? Texts? I asked what they did together, they went for ice cream, they took dance lessons,,WTF!! mini golf,,I see what he did,,he wanted the romance, he needed the romance, well so do I!! Yes,,it has been rough the last few years as we both have fallen into a comfortable , complacint relationship. by no means this is my fault, and I have told him that, but in my heart,i have not given the relationship my all,because I was too tired from work, uncomfortble with myself,etc. We both made decsions last year to undergo weight loss surgery so we could start our second half of our lives healther , happier and to be around longer to see grandchildren and do fun things,,but he started his journey earlier than me by a month and his tryst 4 months before his surgery. So now, I am feeling better this year,less 60lbs, feeling sexier and this! what an effin blow to confidence,,sorry for going in all different directions, my mind is so screwed up right now. I cant get out of my head that he was with her and me at the same time.. I dont want to be that bitch, but I want him to know and I told him, I will never be the same person ever again, he has told me I can ask him whatever I need to , want to and he will answer. But do I want to?? Should I?? Or get it out and move on to work it out? if i dont ask, will I always wonder??? HELP!! So, here I am up for over an hour at 3am because all this is in my head,,I ordered some books off amazon to maybe get a head start before the appt. My head is crazy, my heart is breaking because I dont know if it will ever be right again. Thank you all for your advice and kind words, it meaans so much to me

He needs Individual counseling to really get to the bottom of why he decided to dishonor his commitments, lie and step out of the marriage. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this. You were in the same marriage and did not make the same choice to lie and cheat. This is important.

Based on the letter you wrote, you addressed some serious issues that have plagued your marriage...yet you still chose faithfulness. This matters.

Make sure that the IC (and should you also choose an MC) is experienced in handling infidelity.

I get the feeling you are open to reconciliation, but it's still early on.

The most important thing is not to sweep any of these issues under the rug. Address them and hit them head on.

After all that has happened you will need time to heal and to really take care of yourself. This whirlwind of emotion you feel, can last a while, and it's exhausting.

It's ok if things feel completely out of control. Just take this one step at a time, eat, sleep and breathe.

You don't have to make any decisions right this second. You have time, and take as much as you want and need.

((hugs))

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 3:08 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

Get a post nup asap..

At our age it is harder to start over..I am in this mess after a 38 year marriage..

To some it is reassuring that a lengthy marriage earns each spouse 1/2 of the community assets..To me it is devastating because my WH is the cheater.. For me it is overwhelming to try to start over at 60 years old, to try to live off of 1/2 of my pension and assets...For sure I would have to unretire.. I worked all of my life for the chance to retire comfortably...

My WH doesn't have any savings or pension or anything to contribute in divorce..

You may have a chance of your WH agreeing to make sure you are protected legally and financially in a post - nup if he is a sobbing mess and his remorse isn't an act..

If you go ahead and make a financial/legal settlement a condition of R you will find out very quickly where your WH's true motivations lie before you waste time in a false R ...Anybody can sob, cry and make remorse an act, especially if he or she doesn't want to lose home, hearth, the comfortable livelihood of a marriage..

BTW I decided not to R, my WH was unremorseful...We are separated in house, separate finances..I don't have to worry about WH's schedule conflicting with mine, his laundry, meals,etc, but I know I need to file ASAP..

Of course I came out of post nup discussion realizing that my WH only wanted the rights, comforts and benefits of being married..

Keeping ME as his wife/ mate wasn't so important...He was unwilling to go thru the work and hardship in making sure I was secure and protected, should he be caught cheating again..KWIM?

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:07 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

What do you want your marriage to look like from this moment forward? Those are your boundaries.

Your entire life has been turned upside-down and it cannot be righted just by his declaration that he wants to come home. He has to do the work. HE HAS TO FIND A COUNSELOR. HE has to prove to you that home is where HE wants to be.

How does he do that? HIS ACTIONS. You are right this minute trying to make it better. You found a counselor. You are rationalizing, you are making things nice for him to want to stay. All totally normal things. But sometimes we need some boots with a little bitch in them.

He needs to honestly answer your questions. All those questions that are going through your head on your commute.

He needs to be accountable for his time and have total transparency with his electronics. He hid an affair, he doesn't get privacy.

NC with the AP! None. This is non-negotiable. They aren't 'friends', your marriage should come before anyone else.

He needs his own IC. How did he feel it was OK to run a wrecking ball through your life? How did he justify that to himself? - he has a lot of soul searching to do.

((hugs))Be good to you. Be gentle with you.

Wow, what a lot you have gone through in just over 48 hours. Fasten your seat belt because it is going to get so much worse before it gets better. You are in for a world of hurt, pain, anguish and anger. But, if you really work hard: if your WS is being truthful, is remorseful and honest and willing to work 10times harder than you, you can make it through this. Anything you can do to make it easier on you is what you must do. If you need him to transfer all the assets into your name, tell him that and follow through on it. Let him know if you want to reconcile that you now have boundaries and they are Non-negotiable. Then write down what you need and go for it.

You are now a member of a club where everyone here has your back. We are your new best friends. We will lift you up when you are down. Hit you with 2 X4's when we seeing you weakening in your resolve but most of all, we are listening to you and sympathizing with you and UNDERSTAND you. Hang it there and welcome to the best club that no one ever wanted to join.

I want to first say , THANK YOU ALL!! for listening and giving advice, it is so much to take in but knowing that you all are here to listen makes a huge difference.

So , he is home,,I let him come back after 5 hours away..am I crazy? I want to work this out,,we have an appt next week with a counsler,his wanting to do this that quick. i am all for it. so we have been talking, I have so many questions, but do I want to know the answers? Will it only make ME have more insecurites,questions?? The more i ask, will it hamper healing the relationship?? He has been very remorseful,,and I want him to hurt like I do, gut wrenching pain. Yesterday, he has had a headache and pain in his eye, I have been concerned thinking he might stroke out which of course I dont want. But he has confessed his feelings of what he is going thru (again, I want us to work thru this, I think we need to talk thru all honest feelings to make it work, maybe we should wait for counsling?) so he admits he feels bad what he did to her and us and is wondering is she is ok? WTF!! Yes,,civility went out the window,,I said if you are so concerned,go to her and stay,,you should be concerned with us , not my fault you and HER screwed up everyones lives. She will get thru it and over it, and what did she expect ?? She knew you were married,,but both of you in lala land that all is jolly!! So, my emotions are all over the place. Trying to keep negative thoughts out of my head of what ifs, what did they do? How did he kiss her? crap liike that,,did anyone else suceed doing this?? How did you keep the negative thoughts out of your head? We ordered some workbooks to maybe start this process and read thru some self help. Anyone else?? thanks for all listening,,this has been very helpful to reach out and hear from people that have/are gone thru the same .

Hi (((melzee))),

he admits he feels bad what he did to her and us and is wondering is she is ok?

I very strongly suggest that you make it a condition of R that he join this site & start posting in the Wayward forum.

I wish I had absolutely insisted that my WH did this.

He is not the first WH who had trouble giving up the OW. You are understandably livid. His #1 & only priority should be your healing right now.