SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Time to get this all out and in the open. Strange but I understand how the WS feels bad for the AP. I know, this will probably put me in most peoples bad books. But, I do understand. She bought into his lies too. And if your WS isn't a full out selfish, pig and cad, he should feel bad. He should be going through all kinds of emotions. And he needs to be open with you about it all just like you need to tell him all of your feelings now as well. This is no time to rug sweep. Communicate. Even if it's stuff you don't want to hear. How can you get through this if you don't. There is a book out there call, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. It's available for free on the internet. Get it and ask you WS to read it. It will give him some insight into what you are going through. It helped us a lot. You have such a long road ahead of you. It will be many, many months before you will feel even a little better. Your WS thought one thing and was pretty sure that's what he wanted. But, it only took him a few hours to realize that possibly it wasn't. No matter, it hurts like hell whether they leave and stay away for weeks, hours or never return. The pain is indescribable hang in there. Fasten your seat belt because you are starting on the roller coaster ride of your life. Eat, drink and exercise. Look after yourself first. Everything else will and should come after that. I am so sorry that you have joined us, but we have an incredible contingent of wise people who really, honestly do care. Use us whenever you need to. If we can't support each other than why are we here? Big hugs!!!

I ordered that book on Tuesday morning on amazon along with a couple of others After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful,& Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

both with good reviews on amazon,,cant hurt right?

Counsler moved apt up to June 2nd,,I cant wait. breathing and taking it day by day,,I find it so hard to focus at work, I am consumed with "fixing" this or trying..

so he admits he feels bad what he did to her and us and is wondering is she is ok?

Those feelings are going to be there for some time as he detaches from his relationship with her. Which obviously we don't want to hear how he is tormented. My fWH did more damage in the months after his A than with the actual A as I watched him remain loyal to his two "woman". It has left a lot of resentment. Really? You want me? But are concerned about them and will apologize to them? Sorry...no f&*()ing way! Do not stand for this. He chose you. So there is just you and him. No room for him to bring up his concerns for her. If he needs to vent those feelings, tell him to do it with an IC. Stop twisting the knife in your back.

Make that a firm rule and demand. He must start showing respect and loyalty to you. No ifs ands or buts about it. No matter how conflicted he feels. Or you will be like me...18months later and still resenting the months it took for him to be more concerned for me over them and himself.

I disagree with Devasted30. You can discuss his feelings later when you have healed more and it doesn't destroy you to hear his torment. When he realizes that he is being a dumbass and sees the AP in a different light out of his fog. It will do you no good to know about how "in love" he feels for her and worried about her. Do discuss his reasons why. Do discuss what happened. Read "After the Affair". They strongly suggest the WS to NOT share those particular feelings. It will only result in you being alienated more.

If the AP knows he is married. Sorry, I don't agree with feeling bad that the AP was lied to too. They went willing into an A with a taken man. There are no lies there. Just dumb naive women. So don't feel bad for a woman that knowingly got involved with a married man. Do feel pity for their broken souls though.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 11:03 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]

Melzee, you are still very, very, very early in this process but I agree totally with those who are advocating communication not game playing at this point. No matter what happens in the end, and you are far from "fixing" this, talking to each other will help. If you've been together for so long, and 33 years is a long time, then you've got something worth trying to save. He has snapped out of his fog and that is a good thing. You are probably still in physiological shock--that can take weeks to wear off and just do what you have to do to get through it. Drink, smoke, whatever... Seriously.

The books do help--I thought the Shirley Glass book was really good and have your husband read them. It's early days. Be kind to yourself.

Hugs!!

Thank you,,yes I hate that he is thinking of her feelings too. I don't care, I told him that too , she knew what she was getting into. I want to see what the counsler says about him telling me about his feelings for her, maybe he can speak to counsler alone.

Someone recommended the boards on here for him WH??? I just cant imagine what they would talk about?? How to lie,cheat more and not get caught?? Sorry for the sarcasm,can you fill me in before I tell him about it??

The wayward forum is not about how to cheat and not get caught. The WW forum is about owning your shit and stepping up. A lot of times posters will get called out for their screwed up thought process. Its not always pretty in there because its coming from people who have been there and done that, they know the lies that people tell themselves and others to make things look ok.

For now though, triage for you. Are you sleeping and eating? Be sure to drink plenty of water. A lot of betrayed spouses have become ill in the weeks after DDay because we are engulfed in pain and eating & sleeping are non-existent. I ended up in the doctor's office twice and in the emergency room. It was not pretty.

Not to scare you, but not all counselors are good in dealing with infidelity. And reconciliation is HARD work that takes YEARS. Is your husband up for that?

(his headache behind his eye was probably from all that crying he did)

He said he is,,I told him if he wasn't "feeling" this reconciliation to let me know and he can go on his way, I will not do this again, I told him I am changed forever because of this, I will no longer be the believe all person. But I am willing to work on this. so again, we will see.

And thank you about taking care of me, it is hard to eat,sleep,drink,,but I am trying,so does everyone recommend that forum for him??

(((Melzee))) so sorry for you pain.

My MC at first session told WH that he would have to talk about any feelings of loss or sadness with or about OP with his own IC/psych alone. That he should not bring that into my/our healing MC sessions. I think it would explode your brain to have to sit there and hear him talk about what he is currently feeling for her, that he is thinking about her hurts. NOOOO She should have never been in his life to begin with and has to be cut out completely. As if she never existed.

But if you can withstand some, it may bring you closer together and may bring a sense of being together against this. Just not right now, you are too raw and your hurts should be the focus.

As for what to ask about for you.....I think you have an opportunity here to ask whatever you can and probably get answers. I think this window of opportunity may close as your WH gets his act together and goes into protection mode. So...

for me I would ask everything. I would want to know everything so I would feel like I could make my decision about what I wanted. I would not want to be be frustrated later when I realize I wanted information but he had moved past the disclosure stage and was wanting only to move forward.

I think that most on the WS forum are remorseful. So your WH posting there would get responses about how to be on a healing road. If he is amenable you should encourage that. It also would not hurt him to read some of the pain in the just found out and other boards.

Keep posting here, it helps so much.

And congrats on the weight loss! Keep being kind to yourself, you are worth it.

For me personally, this is 'my' space. He wrecked the 'us' that was and I needed a place where I could feel totally safe to have as my own.

You have to decide if you need a safe place of your own.

I'm sure in your relationship you've done a lot for your husband. It sounds like you are a woman who takes care of things. You probably make things really comfortable for him. And you are doing it now to a degree. You are making counseling appointments. You are researching how to 'fix' this. You are ordering books (probably for you and him).

What is he doing? What is he researching and finding out ON HIS OWN as ways to repair your marriage?

If you want to find out quickly how he 'really' feels, and what kind of work he is really prepared to do in order to win you back, tell him you need some time to sort this all out mentally, and for right now what you need from him is this:

1) the OW's name, her husbands name, home address and telephone number.

2) he needs to see his doctor for an STD panel, (you do too), and he needs to give his doc permission to have his results sent to you.

3) he needs to agree to a post-nup, in order that you may protect yourself from future infidelities.

4) he needs to draft a no-contact letter (with your input) to be sent to the OW immediately

Give him these 4 requirements right now, and sit back and see how he responds. (And in the meantime, you get yourself to a doctor for an STD check, and make an appt with a lawyer for yourself to find out what your rights are in the event of a divorce).

Hi melzee,

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. Please make sure you're taking the time and energy to take care of YOU! I found the best thing for me during my dark times were to take long walks. You will make it through this. Exercise is a wonderful way to deal with anxiety.

And thank you about taking care of me, it is hard to eat,sleep,drink,,but I am trying,so does everyone recommend that forum for him?? I think you should wait a while. Too many BS's have been burned by having non-remorseful WS's gaining access to their personal thoughts and using that info against them. You can copy and paste or print out things for him to read. That's what I did. I have never wanted my H on this site. This my personal 'safe place'.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 12:03 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]

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[This message edited by Ginny at 1:36 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]

Melzee,

Reading your posts here, I see that you are going through the whole gamut of emotions that so many of us have gone and are going through. My first reaction was to boot my WH out to the curb. Believe me! But, he too, was so remorseful right off the bat, that I chose to give him a chance - with a lot of rules (some of which are still unfolding after 3 and 1/2 months). The 2 books you are going to read are outstanding. I LOVED Not Just Friends. And I am reading the other one now.

If you still love him and he loves you, AND he is giving his AP up 100%, then by all means, give your marriage a chance. There will be many bumps along the way as details unfold and facts come to the surface. But hang in there! And come here - always know you can come here - for the comfort, support , and encouragement you need.

As many have said before me, this is a "club" no one would choose to be a member of. But, now that you are here, take comfort in the words of those who have come before you to this place.

{{{Melzee}}}

Ginny & Needsfriendshere, When I confronted him, the first words were can we fix this? He said no and then I went thru several hours of emotions and told him to leave for a few days, I didn't want to see or talk to him, he wanted her, he could have her,,so after 5 hours, he couldn't unpack his suitcase and was crying to come home. So ,here we are, and yes Ginny, I am not to blame for the affair but I have let my relationship go and flatline,,doesn't make it right what he did, but I did leave the door open for any C#@$ to walk in and he found it , the love,touching and newlywed stuff we had let go away after 33 years, so I am so willing to try to rebuild, I want that romance back too!!! So, call me crazy,,I ordered the self help books,,figured we are going to read them together,,which he wants to do,,I made a reservation in FT Lauderdale just for Saturday to fly down and be just us. Romantic, spontaneous and sit on the beach, talk,cry what ever,,that is my plan. I told him in no uncertain terms,,I don't know about intimacy , I am not sure about that yet but we will play it by ear. Holding, hugging, cuddling, I am all for it,,want it,crave it,,I am also trying to understand what he was lacking and why he was so easily astray. Then Monday is our appointment , we will have lots to talk about and see how the MC directs us.

Really gently here because this is super fresh.

The same newlywed feeling was missing for you too. Why didn't you go out and find some hot stud?

Your right, I didn't because I knew it wasn't right,,he didn't , he gave in,, I know,,and I really do not blame me, I am blameless for his affair. I had nothing at all to do with it, and that's why I am surprised my my reaction and his..

Don't take on the responsibility of him cheating. He cheated. That is on him.

You can own your half of any marital problems, but that isn't why he cheated. You were both in the same marriage and you didn't cheat.

It is disheartening to see how blame is laid on the marriage or even on the betrayed spouse. It isn't fair. You did nothing wrong.

ETA: I don't like the term "giving in". He gave into what? A constant battering of OW wanting him? What he did was seek out a relationship with someone else at the potential expense of his marriage and the life he created with you. "gave in" makes it sound like he slipped up on his diet.

[This message edited by brokenblackbird at 1:23 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]

Your reactions are so normal.

Its the hardest thing I have ever done. The pain is worse than my second trimester miscarriage.

I don't mean to give you advice because I don't have any answers. I just wanted you to know we hear you. You are not alone.

Eat, drink water, rest. Take care of YOU! Reach out to others that can help you.

I won't be posting for awhile, because I just found out about a family emergency and we are leaving in an hour. I WILL be thinking of you and sending you my best while I am gone.