SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

what a mess!

So, I guess he "rugswept" the whole incident with me and now has had all this anger this entire time. But I do not know if he is using this as a cover up for everything that has happened this summer.

He hasn't said ANYTHING about that at all! About that girl who asked him for dinner. Which is what we went for therapy for that day. No, I did not ask him to go back to therapy that day.

I am still in teh other bedroom. Tried to sleep, but woke up at 2 am and reading the boards - but I can't find anyone in my situation ...

Ok so let me tell you about today. He texts me "good morning babe". I text back. "Good morning." I hear nothing from him all day. I come home and there is a note on the counter saying that he fed the dog, he is at his parents and then he may work late at John's.

On the one hand I was dreading coming home when I thought he was there and then on the other was slightly preturbed that he wasn't. I ended up calling him because I was thinking of going over to the parents, but I wasn't sure what kind of reaction he was going to have and I am pretty shaky as well. But I call anyway, he is there eating with mom. John called and cancelled. I started to say that I was coming over, but he said he was on the way home. So, I said ok, I will see you home then babe. (I almost kicked myself for saying babe)

He comes home and I am sitting outside on the front stoop, with coffee and smoking a cigerette. I quickly put the cigerette out when I recognize his truck turning down the street. Gee wiz! LIke I am a teenager caught smoking!

Anyway he comes up the walk and I can see he is insecure - says, Hi. I say Hi. I get up and move towrads him and he immesiately hugs me. He kisses me on cheek and then lips. He then tells me about my dog who pooped everywhere and peed in the ouse when he came home. ANd I am looking at him, like THIS is what you want to talk about?

I don't respond, I just listen and say no. I didn't know. And then I just hug him again. He hugs me back.

He says, "I really need to pee Annie." (back to the Annie not babe).

I sit on couch with coffee.. ok I"m getting tired.. just highlights now...

hows day he asks - i say hard.

How's yours - ok more progress then usual, he says.

He says, a lot of work today? I said, I was thinking a lot of you.

He says what did you think?

I said, I was wondering if you thght of me today?

He says.. "he regins himself in as if he was going to be angry" Yes, I did.

I said, "Ah. well I am glad you told me and that's a good start."

He said, Yeah I didn't want to ask you stupid questions.

I said what do you mean?

He said, YOu probably roll your eyes at me when I ask you how you are feeling.

I said, I never do that. I said, if you are unsure of what to write, you can always say that you are thinking of me.

He stays silent - I am not sure what he is thinking.

He says, He says, what else did you think about me.

I said, I thought about whether you still loved me or not.

He said, What did you come up with?

I said, I didn't know. On the one hand and then the other...

He didn't reply. (hello .... guess he didn't get the hint!)

I continued on I think after a pause or so.. I ask him what else did he think abotu me today.

HE said, " What? Now I am suppossed to be thinking - what?"

i told him, "I was asking to be sure that you were finished talking about the things you were thinking about me."

He says: "Just that. How you were doing."

I was dissappointed. I'm sleeping in another room and that's ALL you thought about? Not, how you could fix it or ANYTHING?

I say, "ah ok." Then he get defensive and says, "what? What Am I suppossed to be thinking

I don't really remember in which order it came in.

At one point he says, "I know you are still mad at me."

" We need help for this." I said.

Nothing back...

I told him. "I'm sorry for blaming you. I shouldn't have."

He said, for what?

I said "for breaking your heart like I did. I blamed you and I shouldn't have."

He said, "it was my fault."

I said, "no it wasn't. I did it. I am at fault."

Then he says, "I know I keep hurting you - my anger keeps hurting you because I say things you don't like." I say, that's why we need help. He shakes his head.

I go out for a smoke. He comes to door and says he's going to bed. I go walk dog, and go to sleep in the spare room. My wedding ring still lays there on the coffee table.

I so wish you would both go back to counseling together. I think you discovered so much in the one time he went with you, more than you have over the last 6 months. Its so difficult when people dont, cant, or wont communicate their feelings because the other person is left to just guess. See if he would be willing to go, I know he shook his head, but you really do need to know where you stand and where your M is headed.

Well, checked his phone last night and there were "chat" photos of naked girls on it.

Went upstairs and confronted him - his first response was "so." Then "you were on my PHONE." I told him "i am your wife, not a bimbo!"

He says "im not doing anything'. ..... Blah blah..

I said, "Yeah you are not doing anything to save this marriage."

He admitted that these so called Friendships have crossed the boundaries.

I told him "I feel that you have replaced me - I woman who loves you right here with strangers and pictures."

After much hoopla.. finally told him you have to make a choice- me and to work on our marriage or continue with the porn and these people. He got all wild, yeah like what if I don't stop ...

I calmly told him. If you choose the porn and them, I will honor that choice - I will not keep you in a relationship that you don't want."

This afternoon after work (no contact from husband all day - Came home and while he was excersizing (another new thing) I looked at his phone. He saw me looking and I told him I wanted to know if he had made his choice. I found out he texted and downloaded pictures from suspected AP in MASS (pictyures nonsexual) and then checked his internet browser history and pages and pages of porn sites visits today.

(went out and had a smoke) Came back in and told him - he was still excerziing ... "I see that you have made your choice. Please make the appropriate changes. I am going out to look for a part-time evening job." His reply was "what are you talking about?!" I went to the sink and washed my hands and he is still calling out "What are you talking about?" I told him, "Please stop saying that - it is insulting."

I left, put in two job applications. I came home. He bought dinner - it was sitting on counter. I went upstairs to see if he had moved to the spare bedroom. He had not. I came downstairs he said, "I brought you some dinner." I just stared at him. I went upstairs and moved my CPAP machine and alarm clock to the spareroom and came downstairs. He went upstairs with some trash bags. He is now removing everything from his bureau into trash bags.

I guess this is the end. I am completely dumbfounded ... I am a bit scared (not of him) for me - after almost 20 years together.

Please need support!

HI everyone,

Just wanted to pop my first thread back up as some have said that my story might be useful to others. I have posted more recently under the title "working on me" or was it "Doing the work - on me".

IN addition, I didn't want to lose this thread as I haven't printed it out yet and I know that it goes away after six months.

For those that would like an update. WH is still sleeping in the spare room with his phone. I am working on me now, attending Codependent annoymous groups, going to IC, and working hard on identifying all my issues and trying to stay focused on me.

please stay in touch..your story does help others.....when are you going to divorce the cheater...you deserve someone to love you ...only you.....be careful with std.....dpont let him near you.....stay grounded

In general today was just plain hard. There is sooo much that needs to get talked about but damned if he is NOT going to talk or iniatate any talking.

I did a little pain shopping today. Revisiting things that I have found, making sure that I don't revert back to denial. Did make it to my first Alanon meeting. It was ok. Not ground shaking... I am still alive, still going to work, still making it...

I really like this post from Bigger and have decided to copy and paste it here,, so I can keep reading it...

Tell him he’s perfectly free to date whomever he wants. But not as your husband. If he feels lonely and thinks it’s your fault. If he thinks it’s OK to flirt with others. If he really thinks someone other than you is the most beautiful woman in the world… then he should be honest with himself AND to YOU and you both simply decide to divorce.

But.. If that doesn’t rock his boat then he has to get on board with being a man and a husband. That begins with total honesty and accountability.

Had a rough day today earlier in the morning with lots of obessing thoughts. I am nearing the more difficult questions my therapist has asked me to really think through - "what is it that I don't know that is preventing me from making a decision" Here I have to put down all the stuff I don't know - LIKE THE TRUTH! ABOUT EVERYTHING He has done - the who, the what, the where, the lies - out right and of ommission, how many times, how long...

Because it leads to the next question - if I do not get these answers what do I do?

If I get these answers what do I do?

What are the ramifications of each decision for me.

Face Palm ... I get it... now..

I've been babying him, I've been wanting him to show his affection ect - it makes me appear weak. Now I understand. He may never come around, but I need to take control of my own life, of my destiny and just tell him simply what I expect - not what I need. The difference is in the language and the attitude. The things I need are what I expect. They are expectations and responsiblities.

I have to be the ADULT, MATURE, CONFIDENT, the PROFESSIONAL, the SELF-ACTUALIZED, STRONG WOMAN, SECURELY CENTERED and grounded in that knowledge.

Hi Folks,

Had a really rough night last night. I had back to back nightmares, with a little sleep narcolpsy thrown in - you know the kind where you think that you are awake but not your body.

SO many triggers for Valentine's. Extremey busy day in the flower shop and will be again today. I forgot to take my antidepressant yesterday and had two spells of virtigo. First thing I took this morning. Suppossedly WH is working today 0- I say that because who knows - he may take off for all I know. And I will not know about it till I get off of work. It doesn't matter anyway.

Just reaching out today for some general support. I will remind myself that the meaning of the holiday is actually for a priest who was jailed- who sent letters signed "your Valentine" . Perhaps it will be a gentle reminder that eventhough my heart is in a self imposed "jail" right now, this too shall pass, and perhpas be remembered as just a F'd up time in my life. I will try to appreciate that for today my task will be spreading joy to many others today because they will receive the flowers that I have made.

A lot of people dont believe in it as it has become too commercialized. My H did give me flowers but it was 2 weeks ago and said the mark up they have on Valentine's day is ridiculous. I have heard others say why wait for one day to show the person you love how you feel.

Was there any exchange of gifts or even sentiments between you?

I can't believe that it is May already! And mother's day is right around the corner.

Let's do a recap a little bit later:

just had a re-root canal and onlots of drugs...

a. WH is a WH. Still sleeping in the spare bedroom.

b. Just found out from his sister who overheard his conversation with their mother that WH lied to her about his whereabouts on July 4th when he spent the night in MASS. He said to her that he was mad that i went through his stuff, and that all the sudden I was jealous, that I didn't want to come and visit the family, and he was here for 4th of july when she pointed out to him that I was with the family that day. (of course, all untrue - i love them, i wasn't jealous I was furious/devastated and everything else you can imigane.

cc. thank god i confided in the sisters about my WH behavior otherwise they would have believe him and thought me the looney tune.

ok got to go... WH home.

I know he is still doing something and I think at this point I am going to have to put in a VAR and a GPS tracker.

He is doing strange things. His underware was stained 3 days in a row and he didn't think I saw him put his automatic shaver in his truck this morning as I way laying on the couch in my drugged up state from this horrid tooth abcess. Whatever he is caught up in. I can not help him. But I need to know for my own peace of mind so I can move on.

I wish I had the money to hir a dectective right off the bat so I can get it over and done with.

May I ask, what good would hiring a PI do? You already know he's been cheating for years and you already have all the evidence you need to know he's at it again.

But I need to know for my own peace of mind so I can move on.

You already know. He isn't willing to give you what you need nor is he willing to be a safe partner for you. He's just rugsweeping and as soon as his infidelity came to light, he turned it all on you and made it seem like you needed a second chance to R with him. How does he not think you're the one giving him a gift of a second chance AND LOOK WHAT HE DID WITH IT! It's madness! It's been time to move on for months.

Also, it's not a failure on your part if you D. It's a failure on his part. He broke his vows to you. He ruined the M. He can moan and whine about how you not being able to find a job as the reason he is doing this all he wants but it's all a deflection. It isn't real. You know his perception of q

May I ask, what good would hiring a PI do? You already know he's been cheating for years and you already have all the evidence you need to know he's at it again.

But I need to know for my own peace of mind so I can move on.

You already know. He isn't willing to give you what you need nor is he willing to be a safe partner for you. He's just rugsweeping and as soon as his infidelity came to light, he turned it all on you and made it seem like you needed a second chance to R with him. How does he not think you're the one giving him a gift of a second chance AND LOOK WHAT HE DID WITH IT! It's madness! It's been time to move on for months.

Also, it's not a failure on your part if you D. It's a failure on his part. He broke his vows to you. He ruined the M. He can moan and whine about how you not being able to find a job as the reason he is doing this all he wants but it's all a deflection. It isn't real. You know his perception is warped when he thinks 50,000/year is minimum wage when people on minimum wage make less than 20,000. Stop trusting his perception of anything because all he is doing is manipulating you like he has been since day 1 of this mess he created. It's time to dig your bitch boots out of the closet, see that lawyer again, and work on getting out of this toxic M he has created.

Quite simply because I need it.

Shifting I am in the same place. I don't know why I need it either.. but I feel like I also need proof. Not sure why. I have phone records and lots of circumstantial evidence but I need hard information.

Well I talked this topic over with my therapist today and really explored it.

I feel like I need it because I've been lied to, misdirected and my concerns have not been validated - that is my WH has not accepted responsiblity for his actions, denied, shifted the blame, switched topics, you name he has done it. So, my feeling is god damn it - look here are the photographs - you bastard - admit it.

So, she reminded me what are the choices - if you find out and have the smoking gun - you won't be able to live with the knowledge because you will ask some question and know he's lying and bam it's out, a huge srguement and either you throw him out or you leave. Let's say you throw him out, how ae you going to pay the mortgage? How are you going to support yourself? Are you emotionally ready to do this?

I am not, because I would have done it already with the evidence that I have now. Because the WORST thing would for me to have the evidence and not be able to throw his ass out - then I really would feel pathetic. I am not going to do that.

So, what I am going to do is what I am doing. Getting myself healthy. Today I applied for a tax ID number so I can start a side floral business. I've applied to the satate as well, and also for the whole sale/resale number to do a certificate so I can get my flowers at wholesale. The next step are cards and then a website. Then I am going to start going back to do the things that I used to do, that made me happy - like going to my crochet group, now I will start networking for my floral business. I will keep going to my support groups. Going to work and generally doing things for me. Because quite frankly I need to get myself straight - I don't need to give him anymore of my brain power. Because I can not make him be the man he should be and I can't be married to myself - which right now is what I have and god help me I don't want that anymore. Luckily, it's mother day's on Sunday and I will be super, super busy - no time in my head for him!

Super- Perhaps contemplating the choices, and whether you are prepared to follow the natural course of things. There are no rules that say you don't have to get yourself ready - prepare. If he/she wants you - he/she will make the effort because they have certainly made the effort for someone else! And damn it - we are not chopped liver!

I have an appointment with a lawyer for Wed. It can't come soon enough. What a fucking waste of a year.

WH took off for two days and was thankfully so stupid to leave his AIRPLANE ticket stubs to Boston, MASS in his "pack". I believe in my state I can get an immediate divorce for adultry. Hopefully with this latest evidence and all the stuff that I kept before it will be enough. But we will see from the lawyer.

I'm just scared about all my finances, all the bills, well hell about everything!

I just took my car to the shop and parts to fix it will be 338 dollars. Stupid me was saving for a weekend retreat for us! Now, I am NOT using that money to pay for the car. I am going to ask him for the money as much as it kills me to do so. But hey, don't you think I F* deserve it?

Anyway, my mind has been giving me lots of problems until I found the stubs this morning. I don't like this roller coaster, can I get off please? Exiting stage right.

Well, the trip to the lawyer was not fun. He advised me to file for banruptcy, lose the house or rent it out since I couldn't afford it by myself. I would get a small ailmony for some time, but it wouldn't be enough to live on.

Well, it was just plain horrid. So, it just reaffirmed my goal to get myself together economically. I managed to put in a couple of teaching applications which was really, really hard to do - in terms of my concentration. But just finished two tonight.

Some days are better than others. I look on those :)

It has been a long , long time you have posted.

How are you ??

How are things going with your problems.

Stay in touch with SI.

Good luck.