SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well the laywer is on the list to call today. I've researched the law on the internet and from what I can tell He will have to pay ailmony - but it could be quite some time before it gets to that stage.

I believe he found and read my journal because the Trip Wise thing from our insuance company has stopped reporting his milage for ysterday and this morning.It could be a computer glitch, but at this point I don't put anything passed him.

I told two of my WH family members this weekend. One already knew I was having problems. The family knows because they see my face that something is wrong. I told his olderst sister and she says I need to sit him down and be strong and threaten divorce. She says He knows what he is doing is not right. She was there for the Niagra Falls discussion and she said she would go too. He did not mention a time line. Both told me to do basically the 180 as well.

This is not a life anymore - this is hell. Suppossedly he went to a job yestserday evening and din't come back till 1 am. No call. I was up went he came home on the porch staring into the night. At one I came inside and there he was on the couch - in his work clothes. I said you are home. He said, I thought you were in bed. I said, No, I waited up for you. I've been going crazy with worry. He said, "I'm sorry" - but in a kind of angry way. I said, You could have called me - he said, I thought you were asleep you are going to bed so early these days." I said, "you could have called me earlier when you knew that things were going to get late." He said with true remorse -"i lost track of time." I sat next to him - he was sticky like he had been working. We went to bed. I curled up next to him. He held me tightly. I told him "Kiss me goodnight." And he did most earnestly. He held most of the night until I had to stop and put on my mask and we were close all night. My alarm went off. I woke him up. My neck and shoulder have been bothering me since last night. I was stiff and I sat up waiting for him to come out of the bathroom. He got his shirt on and came over to my side of the bed, put the nA/C unit on again (I had taken it off because I wanted to hear the phone if it rang). I told hime he could leave it off -he said "I'ts going to get warm" and asked me with sincerity - why are you up and hugged me. I looked up and told him that my shoulder and arm were hurting since yesterday that I did something to it at work. He kissed me, and hugged me and after a bit asked me if I wanted him to go get me a pill. I said, no I was coming downstairs. I asked him what job site he was going to today and told me the school. I asked him what his plan was and he told me that the other side job with a co-workers friend still hadn't paid him and that she suppossedly wanted to have him paint, but that she was never home for him to finish the job and he needed to call and see about access. Then he said, that he also needed to find out about "J"'s job from last night in regards to the plumber so that's my plan for the week." I was stunned. "I said, oh I just wanted to know about today after work, but thanks." He gave me a hug and a kiss. and said, " I have to go." We walked to the door, and he hugged me and said, "You will see me later." He walked down the steps and said, "At least it's cool out." I believe the A/C has conked out in his truck or maybe he was actually thinking about me and the A/C. He got in the truck, I waved at the door he waved from the truck as he drove out the drive.

All I know is that I can no longer live this way. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. This has to end - either way. I need to sleep before I go to work today.

Well, I just called for my mortgage payoff information. They will have to send it to me. They used to do this stuff over the phone. So, that will take a week. I have a feeling that we are "upside down" or right on the line for what the house is worth.

I just researched all the forms I will need for divorce. It's a lot of stuff! WoW - It's pretty funny the forms are simple but getting all the information together that's a lot of work. It's just like all the student loan deferment crap. I've got to find our marriage certificate. God only knows where that is. I still have so much stuff in boxes when we moved here back in 2005. lol Not like I thought I would ever need to find it.

I also found out from the WH family last night that his mother called my WH that Sunday at 11 pm because she was worried. She had not seen him in over a week. The sister told me she thinks that her mom is going to talk with my WH about what is going on b/c she sees me over at her house without him and that I always look preoccupied now. She does not like what is going on at all. He was back to the same aloof self last night. We did not talk to each other all while we were there. Not that I wouldn't talk to him, but he was generally occupied with the other family members. Catching up with them.

The insurance milage indicator is up again and shows his trips. I googled the place where she lives and the distance from my town to there and the milage is practically exact. It is just circumstancial but coupled with the phone logs - it could provide "opportunity" as specified in adultry divorce law in my state. What I don't have is the intention of affection evidence. Questions for the lawyer I guess. What I really want is a boot disk b/c his old laptop which finally stopped working has a boot error and he used it before I knew what was going on. I don't have a boot disk for it. I think it's Windows XP I will have to check it again. If I could find something on there - then I would be good to go I guess. If I could prove adultry, I believe the divorce process is WAY faster and I can just get out and move on quickly with ailmony and get my life back together.

I need to start siphoning off money anyway I can so I have a little something to tied me over. lol what a joke. We are just surviving month to month - just literally ecking our way through the bills each month. I need to get back into his truck and photograph the phone logs that he pulld out of trash and stored in his briefcase. So, I have a hard copy of my "evidence" I guess. I also need to get a print out of the FB page via screen shot of "my version" and the rest of the world's version.

I really like the idea of the voice activated thing - but his truck is like his office and I have no idea where to hide it. I rarely have a chance to get in it. Although, I realize that this information would be just for my personal edification. Anyway, I'm tired of thinking and writting about this crap. It's time for me to take a break from this in my head. I'm actually thankful for this pathetic job, at least it gives me something to do eventhough it's pretty mundane and doesn't occupy my brain for very long. Ok time to walk the dog, take a chower and head to work.

Shifting sands, I am very sorry for your pain and confusion. You are doing your best, that is clear. It is also clear how much you love him.

You want so badly to make this work. As I read your words, I am reminded of myself back in 2009, when my WBF started his affair. If there was a 1% chance he was innocent, I was going to grab for it. But it was not to be. He later admitted to me he had cheated.

My WBF criticized me non-stop. Was so unhappy with me, no matter how I tried to please him. I thought if I can give him more, more, he will begin to like me, approve of me! I may have gone even further than you in trying to please him. Didn't work, or only temporarily at most. In a loving relationship, when you do nice things for somebody, it usually makes them closer, like you more, right? (I am not sure anymore. I am struggling with co-dependency too). But when the other person is pre-occupied with another, those rules do not work. It makes them respect you less.

I am sorry to say, but it is clear he is cheating. And in your gut, I think you know that too. I so much want to be wrong, for your sake, but I suffered in so many ways, and tried to tolerate the suffering in the same ways you are trying to tolerate your suffering now. Just like my WBF, your husband is being CRUEL to you. He is being a SHIT! He does not deserve you lift one little finger to make his life pleasant.

Focus on yourself. I know it is hard to do, believe me. it is what everybody in here tells me all the time, but I obsess about him.

You speak so much about HIM in your posts. You have education,you have I am sure a full and interesting mind. Care for yourself, and don't give yourself to that jerk to care for you. He cannot see you. He cannot know you. He is too involved in his own little world, and probably keeping you there for security for himself.

I am sorry if I sound cruel. I have said these same things to myself about my WBF, and wept as I said them, so I know the pain such words can be.

You have a big loan, and a PhD that does not bring in a high-salaried job. Me too. I am older than you, and I managed. You will too.(and your little shit husband, if he truly loved you and had half a brain, would not be critical of you for having a Phd and not able to get a job, but respectful of your choice to follow your love and do what your heart tells you to do. My first husband respected my education, regardless of it's monetary value. How crude and stupid and unwise a perspective to have -to see education as a means to monetary gain. Yuck - how neanderthal!!) Yes, Hamburger Helper can taste terrific when you are happy and at peace in yourself. And the best steak can taste like crap when you are eating it across from a person who is being cruel and hurtful. I know from first-hand experience.

Please, for your sake, try to focus on yourself. Do not waste years in unnecessary unhappiness, as I have done. Your WH's good days may mean nothing, and not worth interpreting.

Listen to your gut. And it's true - would you accept such behaviour from a friend? He is supposed to be your best friend, and look at how he treats you - no wonder you feel like crap!

Make yourself your best friend now. She is still there, inside of you, saying 'open the door! Let me out of here! I want to be your friend! So much fun stuff to do! Let's do it!'

I hope something I have said helps. I have been where you are. I know the pain you are in, and confusion. All the best to you.

Thank you for your continued support and words of wisdom. I will try to stay focused on myself. He is being a little shit. And I hate myself that I've allowed him to treat me this way. I'm so crushed. I have to find myself again.

Today is going to be a good day because I was able to pay the last two months of the tv/internet able bill. I have plans to take the next door neighbor's mother who is here for the first time to get her hair cut by my sister-in-law and we will stop by my in-laws today as well.

I need to move on, grow a pair as they say. On small step at a time, remember wht I was like before. Remember girl, remember and be.

Had a good day Wed. spent most of my time with my inlaws and my nieces. Thursday had an ok day, felt much better when my phone battery died at work and I didn't have the cell phone. Had a lot of triggers last night when he had to work late. I used the time to clean the coffee maker which was filthy, wash the floors, walk the dog ect. Spoke with a dear friend last night and caught her up on my situation. I am looking forward to my IC appointment at the end of day. I didn't sleep well last night and had nightmares. Thankfully I don't know what they were, but I'm definately exhausted and have an early day today.

My emotions are up and down, sidewise and back. One moment I'm ok, focused and then the next I am spiraling down in depression and feel hopeless and stuck. Then I pull myself back up, but it's getting slightly easier these last couple of days. But this morning was rough and got emotional. I also think that this is triggering all of my childhood trauma and the PSTD I had. I also try to remind myself that although my body feels like I am in a "State of Emergency" I am not - I am not dying, I have not lost a limb and there is not blood squirting all over the place, I am not awaiting a lung transplant as a good acquaintance is, I have survived worse (I was beaten, starved and psychologically abused as a child) and this will not defeat me.

I am looking forward to my IC session on Wed. IN my first session last week. Therapist of course wanted to see us both for MC. I was tasked with asking him to come and finding out why he didn't want to come if he didn't. I almost had two anxiety attacks over that but was able to manage them down. I keep thinking about what I would say and what would happen if he said no and if he said our relationship was not repairable. All of these high anxiety questions. Over and over in my head, I had to keep shutting it out during the two days at work. Thankfully I was busy and had to make a lot of arrangements. I kept reminding myself that I was still going to go to therapy regardless of the cost or his decision. Unfortunately, the way my insurance is set up - by blue cross mental health covnerage is covered by another group of which she is not a part of. So, it's like I am going out of network and have to pay 75 a visit. Ouch! Luckily she only charged me 50.00 because that's all I had.

I was very proud of myself that I was able to ask him to go of course he didn't want to go. Not even remotely interested. I told him how she could help us with tools to communicate and ways to make our relationship better. I told him to think about it before he made his decision as I needed to get back to the therapist on Monday with his insurance information so she could check it out. This was Friday as we hadn't had a moment with each other b/c he has been working two side jobs in the evening. He was perturbed but I would not feed into his negativity and continued about my evening in a light hearted manner. So that was Saturday evening. We both worked on Sunday and sunday evening I knew that I was going to have to broach the subject again. I was not looking forward to it, but it had to be done. I asked him if he thought about it and he replied no, I asked him why he didn't want to go. He said, "All I am focused on is getting enough money so that you can have heat." I replied. What I thought that we have heat it was just the A/C that broke. He said "they are part of the same system". I said, "Oh, I dont' know about that kind of stuff. well don't you want to at least know about the insurance stuff. He said, I already know, my insurance doesn't even cover my primary care and we are reimbursed so it would be really expensive. Why do you think I don't go to the doctors?" He said, I will work extra hours so you can go because I know that I am the cause of all your problems.

I really wanted to pursue that but I was too afraid to ask. I need to be more confident in myself. I am proud of myself that I haven't taken a Zanax this whole week eventhough it has been tough. I am proud that I am concentrating better at work. I am proud that I can concentrate enough to watch a whole t.v. program. I am more relieved after seeing my mortgage payoff information that I am not completely upside down- might break even if it has to be sold.

Just wanted to give you guys an update. I am in a different place now in my head now - much of the time. I am more calmer and not so obessive. I am spending time with friends. I do not initiate text contact anymore, in fact I do not initate conversation. I've stopped logging on tyo facebook and watching for stuff there as well as looking at the car logs. Because it only freaks me out and is not healthy for me. Basically we haven't really seen each other for about week and 1/2 - as he has been working 2 jobs. I spend my time away from the house, visiting friends, swimming and doing things. It has been good for me, I feel more grounded - more like myself. Not quite there yet, but working on me now. I'm looking forward to my therapy session on Wed. as each time I go I feel a little bit better about me. I sure wish that I could go twice a week. I journal everyday to get the days events, my emotions and thoughts out. No more questions, dialogue about "us", I've stopped it all. I think of myself now and what I want to do for the most part. I do backslide sometimes, but I snap out of it WAY faster. I tell myself "Nope, not going there girl - not productive, it's HIS SHIT - not MINE, stay focused, what you going to do for you, what's going to make you happy." Every time I do a little something for me - I feel better. SO, that's where I am. And I believe this is my 50 post - wow...

Hi Shiftingsand you sound so much better! I know it is very difficult especially when you live with someone to not try and be what use to be your usual normal self. I think if you can take some of the focus off the WS then you can start concentrating on you. Glad to hear that you are spending time with your friends and getting out of the house and doing things that make you feel good. I followed your story from the beginning and hoped that you would pick up emotionally. It is really soul destroying when the person you love and trust does the unthinkable to you. Happy to see that you are feeling better.

Hi well having a rough one today. Had bad nightmares last night. Strange, twsted dreams, like childhood monsters and most which I can't remember. My best friend texted me this morning just saying she was thinking of me and it made me cry. Feeling really alone and sad. I know that I am not alone in reality but it's hard to shake these feelings.

Thank you Amanda123 for your kind words of encouragement. Yes, I think I'm feeling so crappy today because I tried to engage him last night because I was feeling so centered. I had to talk to him about the roommate situation as the roommate asked to have his daughter with granddaughter spend a couple of nights because her apartment building had a fire. He asked us if she could rent our other spare room. So, we had to engange in a conversation about that. And we were invited to dinner with my friend and his mom. So, at least I know that he will be working this evening and then taking his dad to the shoe store by us on Thursday. I told him it would be nice to have his dad over and maybe do barbeque with him here as I would love to have his dad over for a bit. Anyway it's so frustrating to talk to him and at this point I really don't like to, I really don't like being around him at this point either because he can't give me what I need. so it's best to stay removed like I was doing. So, I'm back on track again.

And I appreciate you reading this crap - and now I don't feel as bad as I did when I started this entry. So, for the next 45 minutes I am going to look at some more jobs which I haven't done since early this week, then I am going to drive over to my therapy appointment, and then I have my primary care appointment at 3 pm. and dinner with friends.

(Question about Fetzima at end of post for those who don't want to read through my health inventory at the moment)

Had a rough day yesterday emotionally- I had a couple of panic attacks. I did manage to cut them off before they became full blown. Yippie! My appointment with my counselor went well and I have home-work for me in regards to my career goals, job search and getting me on the right track so I can financially support myself. Took an anxiety inventory - hmm guess what I scored there - lol severe anxiety.

Almost didn't make it to my primary care appointment because of this raging muscle tension headache that I had all day. I also didn't want to deal with that I had a balance there which I can not pay. Luckily the front counter woman is so kind to me and let me see the doctor.

The doctor changed my meds to a newer antidepressant that works better for anxiety. So, I started on that one this morning. It's funny just changing my meds provoked anxiety. He wrote me a script for Zanax until I get to the higher does that he wants me on. So, I don't have to struggle as much. I did take one after I got out of the doctor's office with that assurance. I struggled with two bouts of anxiety in the waiting room. I don't know if anyone else experiences this but after I fight down the anxiety with breathing and such and feel a bit more calmer, I get sweats.

My blood pressure a little high, which under the circumstances is pretty normal, but I have ben fighting that for a while. Considering that I've now lost 47 lbs it should be lower - but given my high state of anxiety is understanable - at least to me.

Both the doctor and pysch are concered about my eating habits. The fact that I have no appetite concerns them but I've also spent a week swimming, as well as walking. I tend to eat in the mid evening rather than during the day. But I guess I can eat some fruit and whatnot during the day - in between my little 14 minute breaks.

But I do have a goal wieght of 140 (I'm 5'5) so that's reaasonable. Don't want anyone to think that I'm becoming too skinny and wasting away. I'm 179 now, so there's still plenty of fat to go around! It sure feels nice though to wear my cute underware again!

My smoking though has gotten out of hand I'm about a little less than a pack a day. But hell I'm doing the best I can at the moment. It's a freaking expensive habit, but the thought of not have any cigerettes provokes anxiety! Gee what doesn't these days! lol..

My current situation has brought up a lot of my childhood issues that I haven't had to deal with since I got out of college and went to therapy. I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. These nights waiting for him to come home are very hard for me because I feel like a child. For many years I lived with my father and the real deal wicked step mother on a farm. My mother who was mentally unstable had weekend visit rights. My brother and I would spend hours waiting by the window looking to see car lights pass and hoping one would turn into the long drive way to the farm. Many weekends she did not come. So, as a child I spent many hours waiting for a mother, someone who was suppossed to love, protect and nurture me to arrive and although, I know my H will be coming home at the moment, all these feelings arise in myself unbidden. That he took off on July weekend without call has really fukd me up. Would mess up a normal person, but with my horrid past really fuk'd with my head. My hyperviligance and high startle reflex has returned = many of the signs of Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome that I dealt with. Also at that time I had horrid nightmares as well. last night I didn't have any that I remember - I do remember waking up at 3 am, but thankfully do not remember why.

Ok out of smokes, time to start my "To Do List" to help me get my mind straight for the day.

Oh, the name of the new drug is Fetzima. Anyone been on this for anxiety? How did it work for you?

had a rough one yesterday. It's been kinda rough week for me. Everything feels surreal.

Wow it's been since Thursday since I've last written. The new med changes haven't been the best for me in some respects. I was really able to get in touch with my anger Friday. In fact, I was so angry that I had take a break from him - even though I saw he was waiting for me after work to get our evening started. I popped a zanax and had a glass and 1/2 of wine and journalled the hell out of my anger. In the meantime he went and got supplies for a job - that I didn't know he was working on Saturday.

Part of my explosion was that:

1. he didn't text me back that day,

2. I didn't know if he was going to take off again since he said he wasn't working this weekend,

3. I'm so pissed off at him at everything he has done, and

4. I'm pissed off that he hasn't stepped up and given me the things that I need - an honest remorseful apology, open and honest communication, an acknowledgment of my hurt and a plan to make it not happen again.

So he finally asked me: What is the matter? What have I done now?

I told him the immediate thing the text thing - but that this was just a minor thing and it really wouldn't have bothered me if everything was going ok with us, but it's NOT. What's happened is that all my anger is coming out over this because we have not resolved anything!

I told him, I don't even know if you love me anymore! Do you? he says, "I still love you. I'm still here. Do you really think that if there was someone else that I would still be here?"

I told him "These rhetorical questions do not help me. I need to hear that you are sorry for what you have done, that you acknowledge what you have done is wrong and actually be resmorseful. YOu took off and coulnd't even give me the decency of call to let me know you weren't coming home that night??? Come on! I'm your WIFE for god sake! The one you are supposed to love, respect and spend your life with!" He starts to go off on some aspect and I say, no.

(somewhere in there he said "I have to ask permission" in a sarcastic dersive manner - I ask not permission a DISCUSSION! An agreement! ).

He is just staring at me like I just threw him a bag of hot coals.

So, then I waited, just stood there for him to respond. He says "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything." I say, "Ok, for what are you sorry about? Because a blanket sorry doesn't cut it because I don't know what you saying you did wrong." He just looking at me. And am like you are a f# child. I lay it all out: 1. identifiy what is it you are apologizing for, 2.an honest remorseful apology which means that you actually regret that you did it, and an acknowledgment of my hurt and a plan to make it not happen again.

well, I got half of it. Then got him talking about his anger and this deep pain he can't get rid of that prevents him from doing it. I told him that why we go to therapy. anyway too much crap for now. Sorry to leave you hanging but friend invited me to go help at a animal shelter this morning. I love that! They are so crazy cute these weasles! Have therapy this afternoon. Didn't sleep much last night - am so tired but won't rest now. I will I promise! Have to do dentist today as well. Cavity in front tooth - thank god finally something is covered!!!!!

I popped a zanax and had a glass and 1/2 of wine

Just a caution - Xanax and alcohol can be deadly. Please be careful.

You really are doing a lot to improve your situation. Be proud of that. Continue to focus on you and things will fall into place.

Hugs to you.

Hi Shiftingsand, please DO NOT take any meds with alcohol, particularly benzo type meds such as Ativan, Valium, Xanax, it can be lethal.

Your WH is saying he is sorry, prompted by you, I think if he wasnt at least a little bit sorry he would flat out refuse to say it all. He definitely is still hiding his affair, and I fully understand your frustration. I get the feeling that he is in a state of confusion. I think it is a good move to spend time with his family so that they can see that you are there and he is not. Well done with looking out for yourself in regards to the loans, lawyers and finding the info you need for D if it ever goes down that path. In one way you probably feel like your life is in limbo, hinging on what may or may not happen with your WH.

Yes little furry creatures are very cute and I hear weasles are pretty smart as well. Have fun.

Thanks guys! Yep, not going to do that again! I felt drunk - like wasted and that was only 1/2 of a Zanax.

The weekend is coming up and I my spidey sense is on full alert. I think he might be up to something although he told me he will have to work this job Saturday and Sunday because they are WAY behind. Yesterday he washed his truck and put the top on for the flat bed part- when he had it off all week. In fact, I mentioned to him that he could trash the book shelves that we have in the basement since we accidentally threw out the shelves when we moved. But the top was on when I came home from swimming.

That's another thing, my friend as an outside pool and I have been going over and swimming. I LOVE it! So, I told H that I wanted to work out three times a week now. And he looked at me like I was crazy. I asked him if he wanted to go excerise and it was obvious that was a no, so I said Well, then I am going swimming then. I still want to do something with you later - so I will be home around 5"30 then. This time I brought my googles so I could really swim as I had been getting neck aches because I was holding my head up while swimming. Anyway, had a fabulous swim, got some sun too it seems.

Came home, with pasta for dinner as my mouth was a little sore from dental work. Texted him that I was on my way home with dinner around 545. That's when I saw him washing his truck.

I am glad that I have not put a VAR in his truck because he went through a rampage of trying to find this paperwork yesterday (right before I left) for a job phone call. He literally went through all of his truck trying to find that stuff.

Anyway, I'm really suspicious. This is his birthday weekend. He birthday is tuesday, which is why I told him I was planning to call out sick on Saturday so we could drive to the beach- this was on Tuesday. Yesterday he told me that he was working on the weekend. Usually I find out on that Friday.

We took a walk with the dog as he needed to go. And H was distant, like he had a lot on his mind. I had an startling thought earlier in the day going to therapy - it was like a light bulb going off. One of our major problems I guess for him was all this time I spent on the computer, gofing off, looking for jobs, smoking downstairs in the basement I believe he took personally liek I didn't want to be with him; which is where all this anger ect comes from. But anyway, on the way to therapy I realized that he had asked me like twice- 6 months ago and once before that to move my computer upstairs into the sunroom. I didn't agree for two reasons : 1. the basement was the only place I could smoke in the house and two the sunroom was his "man cave' it was supposedd to be his one room of the house - so I didn't want to intrude on his space. It finally hit me that he had been trying to solve his issue but hello didn't tell me the REAL reason he wanted me to move the computer up. The funny thing is that now I really don't care where my computer is! lol .... It's too funny. Now, on the walk I am going to test my theory out and I ask him does the sunroom have the internet cable? He says it has the t.v. able. I say is that the same thing as the internet one? We can't decide. I tell him that I was thinking of moving my computer upstairs to the sunroom like he asked me before. He said, I never asked you to do that. I said, actually you did twice and I realize that you were trying to solve your problem with me being downstairs all the time. He replied "That's where you do your work." Hmm. so he finally gets it. Me being down there had nothing to do with him. I said, "Well that's what I am thinking." Whether my computer gets moved up stairs is really not the point for me - as I don't care where it is - as I've been smoking outside for awhile now. lol except now. The point now, is that I get where he is coming from. Now, whether he moves on with me - that's up to him. I can only work on me and that's what I am doing.

later on in the walk, he told me that his cousin P called and asked if we were going to the wedding in NY. he said, he said he needed to find out from me. Of course the wedding is on a Saturday, next month. But I told him, Sure let's go, I'll call in sick. Because I had another realization that this is a crappy job and I owe them nothing. They can't fire me for calling in sick - so wtf. I have to stop living scared all the time. ok gotta run to work.

Ok strange evening with H., Maybe hte guys will have a lot of insight cuz it's definately guy stuff. Most of this post will be about our conversations last night. I haven't processed all of it yet and I am hoping writting it down will help me do that. I started to implement my therapists advice that I ask him for his "feelings" as he tends to just hand me statements but without that part so I can understand just what the hell he is trying to tell me. This is definately his SHIT and it's twisted thinking that will be covered in the later half of the post. Ok so here goes. I also tend to do this because I've been trained to make exact conversation field notes.

First part of the evening. I am making salad, boiling corn and he has got the grill fired up for chicken that I bought. He comes in and says, "If you want to go to the beach with your friend you can because I am working this weekend." I say, "oh you mean "Sarah", well no. I wanted to go to the beach with you." He said, "well, you can even take my truck if you wanted to." I say, "Babe, that's so very sweet. But really the whole point was to go to the beach together." He says, "Well I know you said you'd call in sick and I don't know if you've done that." He walks away to the grill. (That comment doens't even make sense to me, b/c when you call in sick you do that - the day of).

He's grilling the chicken, I go outside to front porch with the new Community Classes catelog and look through all the offerrings. By the time I come back in chicken is done, so I fix myself a plate and ask him if he wants a plate "He says I will get up and do it." OK. That's been happening for awhile. Anyway, I take my plate to the living room and select a movie to watch on TV. He comes in and joins me on couch. No conversation that I recall. Dinner is done, he starts on dishes. I join him with mine. I go back to t.v., dog wants to go out. He comes back in and asks if I want to go for a walk. I said, Sure ok. I have to walk dog. He doesn't come for that. Get back. We go to lake.

I am calm and detacted, enjoying walk.I make no attempt to hold his hand. Part of the lake path goes through a residential neighbrohood. One of the cars there looks similiar to the new Jaguar commericial I saw. I mention it to him. He tells me that he rode in one once. I say really? Wow, when? He said, "This was before I met you, I was on a job with R and he took me in his Jguar to the place." How was it?, I asked. " I felt like I was riding on the ground." Really?, in what way? I ask. "It was very low. The seats were comfortable though." a few minutes later I ask "Did it make you feel rich, riding in a rich man's car?" As I had visions of him in the car and people staring as they drove by. He said, "No". He asked, "Did it make you feel rich when you were at the dealership with your grandfather?" I pondered that for a moment and said, "No, I was just a child back then. I don't think children have an idea about that kind of stuff. I just remember talking with the mechanics and having fun." I paused, "When I was teenager I was already living with my Aunt then, and all I had was a bed in someone else's house." He interrupted me and said, "I didn't mean to get all that. I know your story." I was like - Whoa put my hands up to deflect that. I was irked, "it's not my STORY - it's my F# life," I thought to myself. I was sharing, I thought.

He slowed down by the retaining wall and sat on the wall. I was like - "OK, I guess we are stopping?" I hate when he does that, HELLO say "Let's take a rest" or something! Drives me crazy! So, I'm standing there and then say, Well I guess we are resting? And take a seat about 3 feet away from him. Some minutes pass by, I'm enjoying the lake and the ducks.

He says, "I am sorry. I didn't mean to bring up your past and make you feel like that." I ponder this and say, "Ok. I was just sharing. Sometimes I forget that not everything is a serious conversation (which is true. I often take things very literally) or question. And I don't feel bad, that just the way it was then." More minutes pass and I said, "Well, I did feel rich on Wensday because I was able to fill my tank with gas, pay for my therapy bill and buy food for dinner. It was a good day." Hoping to lighten the mood - nope. Here is his reply.

"All this time... I know I'm a minimum wage guy, you knew that. I can't provide for you." (What I wanted to say was that you wouldn't have to if I had a good job which was the plan originally, and he is NOT a min. wage guy he makes 50,000 a year.) I kept quiet for a beat and said, "Does it matter that you actually have been providing for me? That you have been paying the mortgage all this time?" He shook his head. I said to myself. OK I need to validate him. so I said, "You've been shouldering this financial burden a long time." (oh yeah I thought feelings.... ) I said, "and that makes you feel ...". He said, "It makes me feel Bad like I'm not the guy for you because I can't give you the things you want. That I shouldn't be living in a white man's house. How do you think it makes me feel when you tell me you feel rich to put a tank of gas in your car?" (I thought, It tells me not to tell you those things so you don't feel bad and WTF you are not the guy for me? and what have I asked for??? a white man's house? Um, first the neighborhs directly across the street are spanish (2) and the neighbors right next to us on right are spanish.)

Another couple of minutes pass. He says, "Look I know your parents woudlnt' approve of me." I said, "what parents?". He said, "Let's just say you did". I say, "ok". He said, "I'm an immigrant, make min. wage, and have no education. They wouldn't approve" I say,"You know that I have no parents for approval." He says, "this is what I think in my head." And I say, and that makes you feel like .... " And he says, "be with my own kind." (WTF? and be with your own kind - what a spanish girl like the one you are having the EA or PA maybe now with? Can't solve that for him)

Time passes as I try to digest that whopper. He says, "The worst for me is when you stopped talking to your Aunt because of me." (WTF? This was like 8 months into our relationship! uh, 17 years AGO!) I said, "Oh because she didn't even talk to you, ignored you, or invite us inside the house when we came over to meet her the first time? That she was rude and a bigot?" He said, "It didn't matter. You could still talk to her, visit her." I said, "Why would I want that kind of person in my life? In our lives?". He said, I was the cause." I told him, "No the last straw was when they didn't tell me my dear AUnt N died" (he was there with me when we walked in the hospital room and found her in a body bag because no one had a decency to call me and say she died. H was there with me for that visit and he held on to me while I cried my soul out in the parking lot.) I told him, "She was a cruel, sarcastic and bitter women. Even if we weren't together I wouldnt be talkign to her." I told him "It's not your cause to bare; it's her's. She is the bigot not you. You didn't cause it; she did." ( I kinda forgot the feeling part there.. lol Perhaps in his way he feels that I have no family because of him? IDK, but it's not true. I have no family bexause they are freaking idiots! But really from WAY BACK THEN???? WTF??? Can't solve that one for him either.)

He was done talking for the night. We left on the way to the truck I rub his back to let him know I knew that was hard for him and I stopped him and gave him a little peck and told him "Thank you for sharing." He grimmaced kinda like that was wierd. On the drive home he said, "I guess I am always complaining." I said, "It's better to get it out then letting it fester. It doesn't do you or me any good that way."

So that's the latest. Today is friday and that means it's a swimming day for me. Hopefully my friend S house is not being shown this evening and the weather holds because I am going swimming! If not I'm going for a very long walk in the park after work. And yep it's time for me to go to work. LOl only 1 1/2 to write all this crap down.

Had a rough day yesterday; had to take a 1/2 Zanax thinking about all that crap he said because it hit me like a ton of bricks that WHY would be the 'worst thing' be out of all the things we've been through would not talking to my aunt be his? Could it be that he's planning on leaving me and would be so guilty that I have no family left because of him? Is that what he is thinking?

When I look at it through this lens most of his behavior makes sense - that he is planning to leave. But I also need to be aware of my own deep set fears - which is abondonment. I see everything through that lens.

On the other hand, maybe he is just trying to work through his crap. It's like a cyle we met for a talk of heavy emotional stuff then back off for a bit, then emotional stuff and then back off. I do know that he suffers from heavy guilt.

Who the f knows at this point. It is evident that I start to deteriorate when I focus too much on him. So, back to the distance I need - which is so very hard to achieve.

On another note, I did go swimming yesterday and that was nice. But not as joyful as I would have liked it to be as I had too much on my mind. As my friend was yes he is planning to leave - like he is setting you up slowly for when he leaves. It's clear that he still cares for you, but probably not like a husband should. That sent me down into the depths.

Then I came home and went across to my neighbor's whos a gay spanish man - who can relate to the Spanish mentally and understands the "I can fix my own problem" mentally and how Spanish men have difficulty talking about problems. He didn't understand most of what my H was talking about, that the conversation was strange to him too. When I talked about the aunt and the take he was planning to leave thing - he thought maybe, but then he also said it's like you come to gether, get so far and then standstill. But I was getting ansty because it was near 11 and he wasn't home from the second job. We debated, call or not call. So, we said call, no answer. So, I gave a quick text. He returned my call and let me know he was still at job site, it was going to be still awhile, heard the other guy saw "we will be here a while" as the floor had to be done before the installation of a pedicure chair. Every thing was light and fine. So, I was able to walk the dog and go to sleep.

This morning he kissed me as I woke him up and then kissed me after he got out of shower. I told H that I hope it is a normal working hours because I made plans for us for the evening.

I have work today and also family barbeque at the in-laws for H b-day. So will be getting off work early to make a cake and heading over there.

Ok time for me to get ready for work.

Rant - The surprise Birthday Party that sucked mostly.

For CHrist sake my WH is such an immature child! WTF!

B-day parties are a big deal in my in-laws family - and there are a LOT of them (family members and parties). ALmost every weekend - so it was my turn to put one on for WH - eventhough I had mixed feelilngs about doing so considering where we are now. Every thing was going without a hitch and then we both ended up coming home at the same time with my car loaded with food. So, I told him. "well, surprise the cat's out of the bag. This is all the food for your surprise birthday at your parents! Happy Birthday!" He was shocked, wided-eyed and then said, "Why did you spend the money?". .. lovely response right?

I didn't respond. Waited a beat and then asked, "well can you help me get the stuff into the house then?" Which he did. I changed, walked the dog and found him swinging in the hammock with a beer. I joined him, just sitting quietly, being comfotable and stable with myself cuz i didn't do anything wrong.

As part of my IC, I have been instructed to not to let "things"/comments/behaviors like this slide as I have in the past. Everything must be out, talked about, discussed ect., confront, confront, confront, since I have such a hard time doing that! Bad behavior can not be ignored any longer. you say something hurtful, well then face up to the consequences of your negativity.

crap soon to go to work. but here are some lovely snipets that I wanted to jot down for later elaboration:

- he had a hard time meeting my eyes as a I looked at him he said. "What am I saying?" I said, IDK what are you saying?" "When you look at me like that you say I'm saying something to you", he said. ( I believe he is talking about me reading his body language. Actually I said, "this time I was just looking at you, cuz I like looking at you."

Excuse number 1: "It will come back to haunt me."

How?, I say.

He said that because every check is earmarked for this for that bill and when you spend money from a check you will tell me that we can't pay that bill because you spent the money on me.

(I don't ever remember saying that - what I do remember xsaying was that I bounched bills because he ddn't tell me that he was putting less in the checking account that week.That is all I said. I never confronted him that he used that money to buy a grill for his parents.)

Excuse number 2: "last year you told me I didn't appreciate the party." I rememeber saying that everyone was here for you. Maybe I said that because he didn't tell me thank you or anything - I was probably trying to get him to express some sort of appreciation. But I really don't remember.

Evasion #1: "It's all in my head. It will go away if I don't think about it". Maybe because I didn't validate his version of things.

Telling him - I said please don't do that because it's not good for us, we need to talk about it.

He says, "we've been doign this for 18 years."

His denial/stuffing his issues, I guess who knows.

I say, we need to talk it out because it's not good for us. I don't know what's going on.

He says, "It's hard". and get s wierdf look on his face. He's having a covnersation in his head with out me.

What's hard? I say. Talk to me.

He says, now you want to change everything! I have no clue what he is talking about. I tell him I'm confused. I don't know what he means. He says, Yes you do!

I say I don't. Give me an example of what you mean. He says before when he wanted to go to lake, he's ask me and I say I'm really tired, my feet hurt and I understood. But now you ask for a walk and if I don't you get mad. Don't you think I'm tired?.

I dont know if you dont tell me. I say.

(In fact, I try very hard to stay happy, regardless of what he does - goes with me or not.)

Note this is that same example he used to tell me how he was always alone.

WTF? Disengangement agian for me.

Received apologies yesterday, not for A, but for not waiting to eat dinner together; not calling regarding he was picking up dinner. He came upstairs to let me know that he was home from second job.

Glad I have therapy tommorrow.

I know what I need to do, but I just can't seem to do it? Why is that? What is wrong with me? Fuck get off the godamn pot! Stop this shit and fix your life! Stop fuf+ whinning and get on with your damned life girl! Get your shit together! Focus! Get a f@ grip, so what your life seem like shit - fix it. Pull your shit together - you think this is rough? no, it's only rough because you stopped working on your life - what you think people hand you shit. No, life isn't handed to you, you gotta work at it! Get your head out of the sand - stop trying to beat your way through the wall and open the freaking door!

Good therapy day yesterday. Good swim yesterday. Did lots of stuff for myself yesterday. Went to the craft store- renewed my crochet latice project at the pool. Have started eating reasonably again, in the last week, and enjoying some chocolate that I was given by one of my sister-in-laws. Godiva! Yum!

I also started updating my LinkedIn page and started looking at jobs there.

Got some good news from work. I was able to get off the entire weekend for the upcoming wedding in New York! That's going to be fun. Haven't been to Long Island; I love going to new places. I was also able to have someone cover me for Sept Labor Day weekend. So, another issue resolved.

Going to be a busy day at work, thankfully. So, will have plenty to do. Next on my list is to start re-reading some of my discipline specific books as I have let that part of my mind lasp. So, I need to replace my "relationship obession" with something more productive like thinking about major therorectical issues in my discipline. Or current articles. Thank you JoMarion for reminding me of my mind needs!

(ack hot flash!)

ok time to go to work. "I am a work in progress".

Had a good day yesterday as well.

Funny antedote, the other day - I think it was Wensday came home after the swim and saw that H's truck was home, but he wasn't in the living room. I wasn't sure where he was and walked out to the deck - looked there saw him and said hello. Several days ago was making up the bed and H said "what are you doing?", I said fixing the bed, duh. Few more days before that, saw non-recyclables in trash and picked them out. He drove up while I was fishing in the trash - he said, "what are you doing?" told him. so, the other night, he said, "When you came home, you were sneeking out to the deck? You always think that you are going to catch me doing something." I said, really? What did I do that made you think I was sneeking? He said, you didn't say hello first. Well, I said, I didn't see you so I looked first. I actually wasn't suspicious then, but I have every right to be" and walked away.

Worked on my crochet last night. No emotional dumping last night - thank god. H didn't have to work side job lt night. Didn't sleep well, though. Early day in at work. Want to go swimming tonight but my girlfriend is out of town. I'll see if I can still swim though. - it's important to me now. Oh and caught up the water bill! Yippie! Next on the list is the electric bill ... urgh... student loans are calling four times a day .. urgh...