SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're doing great, BBM. Just keep up the no contact and keep ACTING. Tushnurse is really being an EXCELLENT trauma nurse! You can do this if you WANT to do this. Her advice is spot on and it's all stuff you can do.

[This message edited by WeepingBuddhist at 3:03 PM, June 20th (Friday)]

16 days today...this weekend was awful. My son left at 6 on Friday to spend the weekend with my Dad. I did not leave the couch until he came home Sunday, except to talk to him Saturday.

Friday we had the worst fight that we have ever had...a lot of things that were said by him that I will never be able to forget. Saturday, he came to get stuff but he only took the things that belonged to his dad out of the garage. Nothing of his from the house. He told me that he had to leave to go work on a car to make his truck payment. Another lie. He went to a dance recital of a friend of his whores...but couldn't go to his nieces 2 weeks ago or to any of his own sons ballgames. Such a happy little couple.

Yesterday was the first full day of absolutely no contact with him. I realize now that my marriage is over. The things he said, which are absolutely untrue, will affect me and my child forever. Even if I do what he wants, he will still have the things he said in the back of his head.

I have to let him go, he has already let me go. Our marriage is over. He goes today to his parole officer. I told him to change his address. If his whore is good enough to leave his family for, good enough to stay with, good enough to post pictures on Facebook to hurt his wife, then she should be good enough to use her address (or her parents because that is where they are staying!).

What parent of a 32 year old woman lets her married boyfriend stay with them? Doesn't anyone have any respect for marriage anymore? Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter. It is over.

BB Mom - It's a hard reality that you are dealing with. We all get that.

But sister he has done you a favor truly. He has shown you exactly who he is. He couldn't keep the act up forever, and now he has given you permission to accept it as what it was an act.

Now you have one wonderful gift as a result, you son. It's time to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and start making some real changes to your life, your thought process, and your ability to heal.

Start making those positive changes today, right now.

Every day when you look in the mirror start making affirming statements to yourself.

"I am smart, I am strong, I am a great mom, I will be smarter and stronger than anyone ever thought I could be."

Say it over and over.

I know it hurts that he can't be bothered to be a dad right now, but given his level of addiction and his behaviors right now, he is doing you a favor because he has no business being around him.

Love your son, use him a source of strength. Everytime you look at him remind tell yourself "this is why I have to get my shit together, this is why I have to continue on, no matter how bad it hurts. My son needs a strong healthy parent, and that has to be me."

You got this girl.... We got your back.

(((and strength)))

I am trying but I sure don't feel like I have this. It is a very hard reality. I never thought this would happen. But I guess nothing is forever. He has until tomorrow for the truck....but I just heard it is parked at his dads garage. I guess he has decided he can't pay for it. I guess his little whore will have to drive him around. He has lost everything. I don't understand at all how he thinks this life is better.

I will get better, it may not be today or tomorrow or even next month, but I will. He won't. And then maybe he will realize that our life wasn't so bad. And by then, maybe it will be too late.

BBM, your last post doesn't sound like you get it. You need to put your energy into you and your future. The continued concern about your H, his actions, and the possibility of getting back together--"maybe it will be too late??? FFS--if it isn't it too late, now, I can't even imagine what it would take for you to start paying attention to the future--are not getting you where you need to be which is taking care of your self and your child.

He has lost everything. I don't understand at all how he thinks this life is better.

Did he tell you he believes his life is better? Cause it isn't that's obvious, but what is obvious to us as outsiders, and people who have dealt with addiction, it that he can't care, he doesn't care, all he cares about is his next high, drunk, or stone.

YOU have to stop thinking about him, as the person you believed he was. He was never this person. It was an act. He has shown you in the past few weeks who he really is. An addict, that only cares about his addiction. This is not a person worth having around, or included in your life.

PLEASE - Tell me you are going to go to the Alanon meeting this week.

PLEASE - Tell me that you have figured out a way to get to the Dr this week, you need help. Stop worrying about him, and start worrying about you. Start taking care of your son.

(((and strength)))

Tush is 100% right. He prefers lies to truth. You said it yourself in a simple three three word sentence: it is over.

No he hasn't, he has told me that he isn't happy with his choices. When I saw him on Saturday, I could tell he wasn't using. He looked awful though. Surely, he was able to clean up before his appointment today. I haven't heard a word from him. And I am scared. His phone is shut off, but he was supposed to be getting a cheap Go Phone to contact me. I guess he hasn't or doesn't want me to have that number. It is probably fro the best.

I don't know how to stop thinking about him. He is on my mind 24 hours a day. I am constantly replaying our conversations in my head or thinking about what he is doing with her. I don't know how to turn that off.

He has told so many lies that I have no clue where the lies end and the truth begins. I doubt he does either at this point. I have to make him believe that I am okay, rather I am or not. He has to see that I will be okay. He is at rock bottom. He has lost EVERYTHING. No wife, no family, no marriage, no home, no job, no vehicle, NOTHING. I have all of that. I have our home, our son, my job.

(((BBM)))

Its good to see you back, I looked for your responses over the weekend.

It will get better for you. I understand your pain and shock.

At this time, there is nothing you can do EXCEPT make things good and right for you and your son. What other choice do you have?

You know, as you become stronger, it will show in your face, your body language, your activities and determination to move forward. No, it may not happen today or tomorrow, but any little step you can make in the right direction is a positive. And man oh man, dont you need one of those now?

Dont worry about thinking about him all the time. That's normal, why wouldnt you? Just remember to shut that off and think and do for you!! You'll get more used to that and think of him less.

If you cant get to al alon now, research addiction on the internet. Get your self educated so you can feel better about yourself. Really, in the case of addicts, they're on a down ward spiral before we even become involved. Nothing you could have done differently would've changed the outcome.

Keep posting BBM, keep reading, keep moving forward, little by little. We're here to help you out and back you up.

hugs,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Simple to follow, yet extremely difficult, advice ; shut the conversations off. You should assume EVERYTHING he tells you is a lie. If he says its Monday, check the calendar.

Of course he'll tell you he's sorry for his bad choices. He's playing for your sympathy.

Cut him out. Talk only about financial obligations and your child.

He is utter poison to you, and you're so poisoned right now you can't really see it and act to detach.

I'm sorry for your situation, but YOU are responsible not only for you, but for your child. You don't need an adult child to mother, too.

Sometimes you have to fake being strong even if you don't feel it. Now is one of those times. Instead of saying things like "maybe it will be too late" Try saying, "it will be too late." Have you looked to see if maybe a church around you has a support group. Many churches have Divorce Recovery groups. You may be able to get some free counseling or support there. Some day you will be happier. Just keep moving forward.

Baseball Mom, the reason it hurts is that the fabric of your connected spirits has been torn apart, therapists say the pain of cheating is far worse than if a loyal spouse died, that's right died. You are mourning your spouse, and the other writings are correct, the man you married is gone and will not return. If you can fix this marriage somehow, who you stay married to is someone new, someone you will need to learn to love. The pain will last years, trust me my wife's first affair in 2001 still sits hard with me, you can try to forgive but the forget is impossible, IMPOSSIBLE. I suggest you get a therapist quickly, like right now a go talk to her ASAP! Get emotional support. Breathe...you and not in this alone dear. So sorry for you.

I took a huge step yesterday...I got the truck back. He parked it in at his Dad's garage...he had already taken his radio and stuff out. It was completely cleaned out. He even took the Flowmasters and air intake off of it! He parked it there, knowing I would get it. His uncle died on Sunday. I heard that through the grapevine. His dad had said he would get his truck when that happened so he didn't need his anymore. It was empty on gas that I was afraid I wouldn't make it home in it. Someone was in front of my house today at 430 squealing tires, but by the time I realized it was really happening, they were gone. It may or may not have been him. I don't know.

Today is day #3 with no contact. His phone is still off. I have no way to get ahold of him. It doesn't even matter to him that he can't talk to his son right now. God forbid, but what if something happened to him?!? I doubt I could find him. The no contact has been good, even though I desperately want to see his name or hear his voice.

I drove to work today with no tears. 1st time in quite some time that I can say that. Yesterday, wasn't so good though. Getting in that truck and smelling him, was horrible. Seeing it in my driveway and knowing he isn't there kills me.

I am hurting immensely...but I am taking baby steps.

Squealing tires. Wow, haven't heard that since high school days. I'll bet all the neighbors were really impressed with his maturity and his demonstration of displeasure.

You don't need to be Mom to a guy with a high school mentality. No contact.

BBM - Keep plugging along. You can do this.

As you get out from under the crazy it will get better. It won't be easy, but it will be better.

He is doing a huge favor to you with the NC. You don't need to contact him, in this f'd way of life he is living right now.

(((and strength))))

LOL everytime he has EVER pulled out of our driveway or pulled in he has had to squeal tires! Not to mention the stereo system that WAS in the truck. Yes, my 35 year old husband is VERY mature....

I agree the no contact is good for me. It just bothers me. I am sure he has gotten a cheap go phone to use...and yes that bothers me! But I know that it is the best....

Proud of you, so proud of you! Take it one day at a time and one breath at a time. We are here to help hold you up until you can do it yourself. If we seem to be getting at you sometimes, it's because we want the best for you.

Yay for you BBM! That is progress! I hope you feel this bit of accomplishment even tho you are still reeling in pain. I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you are taking steps to regain control of your own life. Your focus has been on your WH for so long I think you may not remember who you are and, it's time for that to change. You have a good heart so use that on the people in your life who deserve to be showered with your kindness not someone who takes it for granted. You just need to keep the momentum going. Any contact with him at this point will set you back and you don't need that. Stay strong BBM! There is a lot at stake if you allow yourself to be swallowed back up in the chaos of the life your WH has chosen for himself.

Your little boy deserves to get to live a normal childhood. Even tho this is far from normal, your focus needs to be on him and helping him how Draw boundaries with people who treat you badly. even the ones that say they love you. Don't let your WH constant need for your attention distract you from that.

Which of the Duke boys are you married to? I guess he gave up the General Lee Dodge Charger for a truck. Does he like you wearing Daisy Dukes? I hope he straightens out before Boss Hogg catches up with him.

Seriously, he is a bundle of issues that only he can try to resolve. Too often, the addict type doesn't want to resolve any of them. Life is just too easy high, drunk, stoned, etc. I'm sure current OW makes few demands on him. Hell, she probably gets free room and board. Talk about your dependent type.

Glad you're starting to feel a little better now.

I do feel a little better about myself and my situation...not good by any means but I have realized that I am the only parent my son has right now. I have to do better for him. He has to see that I am okay, rather I feel it or not, so that he knows that WE will be okay.

As for his homewrecking whore, she lives with her parents. So he is staying with them also. And yes, I would guarantee it is free. She has no worries so he has no worries. She isn't making demands on him because she is FUN. I couldn't be that. I don't run around and party, drink or do drugs. I have custody of MY child, she doesn't.

I absolutely agree with you, Outtanowhere. I lost myself somewhere along the line. It became all about him, and looking back at times, his needs came before our sons. I can't let that happen again. I have to find ME again, even through the pain.

Yes, I am very mad at HER and very bitter. I should be focusing that anger on HIM. But I haven't gotten to that point yet. Hopefully, that anger comes soon....

I am so glad I found this site because without it, I don't know where I would be. You guys have given me strength I didn't know I had. Even though at times, the advice is hard to swallow and even harder to follow through with, I really am taking in everything you say.

One little baby step at a time and minute by minute. It is all I can do at this point. I can't make him be the person he should be...no matter how hard I beg, plead, promise or threaten. That person is gone. He may hit rock bottom and come back or he may not. Of course, I want him home but I have to face facts.