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I really don't think Old Soul is endangering 30 years or marriage here. I think it's clear he loves her. I think it's clear she loves him.

In a healthy relationship, they should turn towards each other. OldSoul's turning towards her. He wants to know the truth to fill in the hole of his relationship. He has that right. She's withholding that information and as a result their relationship is incomplete. She needs to turn towards him and strengthen their relationship. OldSoul has repeatedly said that regardless of the outcome he is not going to leave her. This is not about that. She needs to reciprocate and not let this fester. The longer she does, the more damage to OldSoul, the more damage to the relationship.

Thanks for the update OS. Keep going. You're doing great.

yop

Could we support OP please?

It doesn't mean shit that this affair was 30 years ago. He just found out about it so it's new to him. He has every right to question his wife. He has every right to get the truth.

He has been betrayed..just like you...just like me.

She may..or may not...have been faithful ever since. But the cold facts are that she lied to him. Every single day that she didn't tell him the truth was a betrayal.

Oldsoul, you know she knows his name. Would she take a polygraph?

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:59 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

I repeat. What is his plan of action or inaction if and when he receives the information he seeks? The OM will either be someone he knows or someone he doesn't know. He should plan for both.

If I were advising WGF/nowW, I would tell her that as a condition of disclosure, she must know what he plans to do in response to the information. She is being asked to walk the tightrope blindfolded or to take the proverbial leap of faith. If she's fearful that the information will end the M, or cause severe problems in it, the equation may solve on the don't tell side. Or she may simply tell him the name of some now dead guy to satisfy his need for information. Remember, she told him this was a ONS, so she won't have to make up details. Just his name.

If the answer to my first question remains "I don't know" then what's her incentive to tell the name? Is he going to go beat the guy up?

Is he going to beat her up? Is he going to retract into a shell?

I've told my analogous story, and I know the window for cross examination of W closed long ago.

No, a polygraph would be out of the question, I think, as she might even leave and we would have to go through all of that mess. As important as this is to me, I wouldn't ask her to do that. I may be on the right path, knowing her, it might take a little time. Today is TBT on FB... I wonder if someone put up a skiing pic... (wink).

By slowly making him the enemy of "us" and "understanding" her feelings at the time and not vilifying her in the process is probably the only way to get to the answer. I do think she remembers his name, though. Why she won't tell has me utterly perplexed.

One of the things said during last nights conversation that I didn't include in the original post was: (Me) Thirty years later and this guy is still being protected after all he did to "us" - still being protected and I still don't know who he was. She did not even once state, during this entire conversation, that she did not remember his name. Not once. Do you think if she really did not remember his name, she would have said that somewhere during the course of this conversation? She knows. And, if I get my way, soon, I will, too. Muhahahaha

I understand that she needs to know the outcome of divulging the name. If it is hard on me when I learn the name, I will have to deal, cry it out.

My next course of action is how disclosure can ultimately strengthen a marriage in the long run, as I truly hope this will be the case with us.

By certain things she has said I do believe there may be a bit more to the story.

You appear to have a sweet relationship with your wife, and she seemed to respond to the storyline you created (us versus him), but in my opinion you are doing too much talking. I think you should simply reiterate that you need to know and that you are unable to let it go. Then start listening. Maybe ask a few questions, and make them open-ended. Let her choose her own words, and give her space to talk. The answers you get will be more revealing.

Also I wouldn't recommend sneak attacks. Don't blindside her during a romantic moment, just be upfront that you need to talk to her about this.

I can definitely understand wanting to know. And I think if she remembers she should tell you. This is obviously causing a wedge between you because you are not able to move past it (most wouldn't). It sounds like it was possibly there before, since she came out and told you after being together 28 years. Did you ask why she told you after that time? that's quite a secret to have digging into you for that long.

Is there a chance that there was something dark that happened that night? Young woman on the beach with a friend, two males - possibly drinking involved - and she described it as awkward and painful. I am not saying something dark did happen, it may have just been a standard ONS, but I would be cautious of the possibility of that when talking with her.

I think it's well-intentioned that you are trying to not set this up as an interrogation. I would worry,t hough, that she is feeling blindsided by these set-ups and reminders for these types of discussions, and she may begin to question or second guess your intentions behind romantic moments. That furthers the wedge as you both become suspicious of the other. And as she knows you're circling back around to ask again, it'll put you both on edge.

I think being upfront with her that you need to know. Don't write the story for her. Let her tell you it, and offer a safe space for her to do it where it is open, transparent, and upfront.

Good luck, this must be incredibly difficult

[This message edited by Lark at 5:02 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

I will definitely chill for awhile over bringing it up. Definitely not wanting to jeopardize our reconnection(s) since the anniversary last month. The seed has been planted as per last night's conversation, so I will sit back and see if it festers with her.

When she came home from work today, she mentioned how much fun she had yesterday and went back to change into comfy clothes. I followed her back, shut the door behind us and let the fun continue.

I wonder if the women here could answer a question. I see many female posters on here talk about falling back in love, especially after the ILYBIANILWY stage. Is this true? Moreover, in your opinion, if she would fall madly back in love with me, would that perhaps make her want to come clean about the past or drive it further underground as to not jeopardize the new beginnings?

What are you doing? Devising plans, posting old pics, saying things like 'that girl died last night' as if she's a victim.

This will be my last post in this thread. Before I go"

No, a polygraph would be out of the question, I think, as she might even leave and we would have to go through all of that mess.

Your wife, your partner for 30 years, knows you don't believe her. She doesn't care. YOU won't ask her to take a polygraph, because she might leave. That's just ridiculous. If she refuses, you have your answer - she knows. If she takes it, you have your answer.

These games are silly, and you won't get an answer by playing lovey dovey nonsense. She didn't tell you yesterday. She didn't tell you last month. She hasn't told you for 30 damned years!!!

If you won't come clean, tell her you demand an answer, or things between you won't be the same because you know she's not interested in being honest, then just drop it. These games are foolish, and my guess is she's seeing right through them. She knows what you're up to. Why the F would you bring up her having sex 30 years ago when looking at a picture of your first weekend together, and then act so understanding, playing "Us" vs "Him". This is a fool's errand.

Why are you afraid of your wife? You know she's lying. She knows she's lying. Tell her you need her to take a poly because right now, you don't feel secure because you don't feel like you can trust her.

She's not going to divorce you because you call her out on her bullshit lie. That's just ridiculous. Just as with an affair, you cannot nice her back, and you cannot nice the truth from her. She's carried her lie for 30 years. You really think you're going to be prince charming for a few weeks and she'll just tell you? That's just not living in reality.

If you won't demand the truth, like I said, you should drop it. But those lines you were saying? They wouldn't fool a 5 year old, sorry, but they're as obvious as anything I've ever seen.

I wish you luck, but honestly, cheaters lie until there is no other alternative. 30years later, when discussing this topic, yes, she's a cheater. That is the reason anything to discuss exists, right? So, cheaters lie to protect themselves, and they do so until they are completely out of options.

Do your lovey dovey thing again. Bring up her cheating again. Then say, "I know you say you don't remember, but I really have trouble with that. It's causing a huge wedge between us. I really wish you would tell me his name." When she says she doesn't know - tell her the only way you can believe that, based on what you've seen, is if she takes a polygraph. BAM! You'll get your answer right away if she's lying or not.

If you're just going to play games, I suggest going to a hypnotist to see if they can make you forget all about this event. You're not going to get an answer this way.

And to answer your question, If she falls 'back' in love with you, she'll be more protective of her secret, because she won't want to ruin the 'specialness' of the relationship in it's current state. Admitting to being a liar would ruin it, so no, she won't be more willing to tell you. She'll bury it deeper and never admit a damned thing.

People only fess up when they're about to lose everything. If you give her everything, knowing she's lying, she has ZERO reason to fess up, ever.

Stop the games. Tell her you want a poly to see if she's being honest. Tell her at this point, it's not who it is, but the fact that you feel like, after 30 years, you can't trust her.

Let her sit on THAT, not on some lovey dovey romance that will only prove to her that shutting up was the right thing to do.

I've read this whole thread and my heart hurts for you, OldSoul.

My question is: Would you have married her if you had found out about this ONS right after it happened?

I feel your W is minimizing the damage because so many years have passed. But that is like saying that a deceased person is no longer missed if they died a certain number of years ago, ya know? It doesn't work that way.

Yes, I do believe she would have stated to you (during your exchange) that this person was so random at the time that she doesn't know his name. She really should be bending over backward to convince you instead of trying to get you to shut up.

Let's assume that she would be open to telling you who if she knew. Could you find a yearbook from the high school he went to and go through the football players?

Another thought I had is that she might be afraid you will confront this man and cause public humiliation or embarrass everyone. Perhaps you could let her know that you don't intend to take action but that your mind is working overtime wondering who this man is. Maybe let her know that every person you come in contact with in person and on FB leads you to question, "is this him?".

Could it be time to ask her to go to MC with you? Maybe in the safety of a third party she would be able to let the truth out.

I wish you the very best and I hope you can close that gap in your marriage because yours seems like such a solid union and one that should be treasured.

No, I would have broken up immediately upon finding out, she. knew this hence the decades long cover up. I beginning to think ignorance is bliss.

Talk about triggers. This morning I check my FB and get a message/video from her about a couple our age at a Shag Dancing competition. For those who may not know, shag dancing is very popular in this part of the country and associated with what we call "Beach Music." It stems, I think, from the simpler steps of the Lindy Hop.

Anyway, the club in question back in 1984 where she met Mr. Anonymous was a shag dancing club as she wanted to learn that dance. Has mentioned over the years about learning it, etc. Again, talk about triggers. First thing in the morning, too. I'm just ready to give up.

As to the second part of your questions, No, I would not confront him after so much time. I wonder if there would be an exception to that and the only thing I can think of is that if it were someone that I/we knew in social circles all this time and she never let on. It would seem such a betrayal to my heart that I, honestly, think I would raise a little hell. That's what eats at me, though. She could make up a name and I wouldn't be the wiser, but she sticks to her story.... of not remembering.

If you want to be in an open and honest relationship, let her know about your trigger this morning.

One more thing and I'll go away. It has been thirty years, but it feels very recent to me in my emotional mind. As, finding out so much later. It is a betrayal of trust, no other way to put it. But there is a solid history there of trust accumulated over those subsequent thirty years that count for something. I don't know how others might process this, but going NUCLEAR by threatening D or incorporating lie detectors may not be what is needed here. At least at this point.

I don't dwell on it all the time, but some days I get on SI for an hour or so and commensurate, in my mind, about the whole sordid ordeal. I don't know what else to say.

Years, I do intend to do that, as soon as our daughter leaves for the day.

going NUCLEAR by threatening D or incorporating lie detectors may not be what is needed here

IMHO it's not needed here. Discussion and opening up to each other is what is needed.

And of course you are going to feel as hurt as if this just happened yesterday. You have never healed from this and until you do, you will always feel this way. It will just fester if you try to bury it. Festering results in bitterness and anger. You need to deal with this and heal.

yop

A certain reply here was very uncalled for, so ignore it. Certain people here seem to take out their anger in replies.

No, I would have broken up immediately upon finding out, she. knew this hence the decades long cover up. I beginning to think ignorance is bliss.

And your wife knows this most likely. So I see no real way to get it across to her that you will not leave now if she tells you the truth.

Unless you can get her to believe otherwise.

Are you sure there is no other way to find out beside from your wife.

No, she is the only one at this point that would be able to name him. I do think making assurances of our marriage staying intact would help loosen her tongue. But as a few here have mentioned, I'd better be ready to do that no matter the answer.

At this point, I would like to thank all of the contributors here for their time and insight. It has helped me look at things in new ways. New catch words such a Triggers, etc. have become a part of my vernacular.

Having stated this, I now need to say that I am done with this. I won't ask anymore, I am tired. I am tired of thinking about it. I am tired of her actions when I bring it up.

Yesterday, she sent me a link on YouTube about a couple who are National Champions at Shag Dancing. I asked her why and she told me (I knew this from before)she had always wanted to learn how. Then she said she noticed my face took a strange look on my face. At this time, I explained what a trigger is/was. Then she knew I was referring to that night in 1984 when she hooked up with the guy at a Beach Music club where they shag danced. That triggered bad memories for me.

Well, she got all miffed again about how I can't let things go... again and again, how I am causing irreparable damage to the marriage because I won't let it go. Blah, blah, blah.

I AM DONE.

She can take her secrets to the grave. I have been a true partner for 32 years. Monogamous for 32 years. And this is the treatment I get from the women who claims to love me? The one who was to forsake all others? Except herself, I suppose.

Well, I can't be married to someone that I don't love with all my heart, and I can't love someone that I don't trust. And, since this, I don't trust her. She could have made it so easy.

We'll F'ing see who caused irreparable damage.

[This message edited by OldSoul at 10:00 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]

With that attitude, if you approach the rest of your marriage that way I can understand why she wouldn't ever tell you.