SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If he were an alcoholic, you'd be the enabler as they call it.

Not meant as a 2 by 4, but as the truth.

Every famous actor has a tale of financial struggles, don't they? Why not him?

I don't know how old he is, but if he's beyond 35 and can't make it, maybe he should realize he never will in that field and move onto something else BEFORE he gets evicted and his car gets repossessed. Not exactly a good financial planner, is he?

Not answering his pleas is a good idea. Maybe he'll wake up and smell the roses now.

Hugs to everyone here. You guys always give great advice in real time. Thank you.

He just turned 38 two weeks ago. His birthday party was where he was cheesing it up shirtless with numerous women.

He just turned 38 two weeks ago. His birthday party was where he was cheesing it up shirtless with numerous women.

If one of *them* wants to help him out, more fool they. But you've already given more than enough. It's time to walk away.

((((Inalittlewhile)))

Don't help, you are only enabling.

These guys thrive on chaos, they don't take any responsibility for their choices because they count on others to swoop in and rescue them.

My ex up until 2 weeks ago was OK with working a PT(15) hrs min wage job -no child support taken out. He doesn't see the kids, has time for fiancée and oF course it's MY fault he is broke and is about to be evicted and has no gas $$ to visit kids, because finally cs caught up and they took all of $138 from his paycheck.

According to him, he owes landlord over 7k- works maintence around his apts to cover debt. Was over 8k in arrears and has his lic revoked..

Always my fault- because I am vengeful and keeping him down.

I must be playing a Jedi-mind trick that makes him not work, spend his $$$ on vapors or whatever else...it's my fault!

He won't help you, he will blame you because it's all your fault.

Let him go, focus on you. You have probably spent lifetimes $$$ on this guy- invest that$$ in u.

Don't give in to the manipulation! He's a grown man and must learn to solve his own problems, and solve them he will.

My XPOS tried the same thing with me..."I have no money, no place to live, I don't know what I will do..." blah, blah, blah. Though I had a brief moment of sympathy, I refused to let myself get drawn into his drama. Miraculously, he found his own place and has been taking care of his own problems without my assistance. He was put in that position by his choices so it is his problem to deal with the consequences of those choices.

Stay firm!

Seriously, I could afford to live on my own (well with 2 roommates) when I was 21 working at minimum wage. And I live in a high cost of living area. I ate mac and cheese and never went out except for splitting renting a movie at blockbuster. A grownass man can figure it out.

When my son started scouts, there was this thing called "Klondike Derby" - an overnight camp in the snow and cold of the nearby mountains. One of my coworkers relished this event - so I got a list of gear from my coworker to help him build "snow condos" instead of snow caves, and boots, snow pants and other stay-warm stuff. Then I made my husband join the adults supervising the young boys on the adventure - but I was rather stealth about all this. My husband had no idea how worried I was about a young barely 12 year old child not getting lost with all the other boys and winding up hurt. He thought I just wanted them to have a great father-son bonding experience (and I did that as well).

I waved goodbye cheerfully as they drove off into the waning hours of the January sunlight, and then went into my house and didn't sleep all night. My son never knew I wasn't totally thrilled and enthusiastic about his transition to manhood and self-sufficiency. Same thing when he went on his first week long camp, and eventual other scouts and high school stuff. College was the hardest - dropping him off at his dorm - I found my Klondike Derby-Mom face pasted in place and enthusiastically hugged my son goodbye, got in the car and waved as I drove off smiling. As soon as I rounded the corner away from the University I bawled for the next 150 miles.

Your X is a perpetual child. He is no longer anything to you. Yet he tugs on you like he was your own child, as if you owe him something. If you were really something to him, the only thing you'd owe him is a good swift kick in the ass and a 2x4 that says - you're a man - figure it out.

If you feel any guilt twinges or compulsion to rescue him, if anything, you must put on your Klondike Derby-Mom face, send him out into the cold and trust that he's over 12 years old and can find a place to stay if he finds himself cold. Because to hold him back in a nice warm soft place to land means he will never amount to anything of worth - better late than never, right? And if he doesn't, it's because he's found some other sucker to coddle and take care of him. Because true mothering means kicking the king baby out of the nest and letting him find his manhood on his own.

[This message edited by k8la at 8:57 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]

Would you feel obligated to help a man on the corner holding a sign about being homeless?

If not, then why even consider helping someone who hurt you so much?

I'd say if you really feel like doing something, donate some money to a food bank or homeless shelter.

And try to go even more NC with XWH.

Just another vote in the no column.

My XWS wound up in a similar state post divorce, even had the gall to ask me to ask my family to give him money after he had bled his family dry. He went so far as to say that I "could afford to buy our daughter a father". This from the man who had spent thousands on prostitutes and meth instead of paying CS.

I said no (actually I just ignored his requests), and yes I felt guilty. But, honestly, I would rather FEEL guilt than BE a sucker. But that's just me.

He attempted some lame custody threats after the initial requests, so watch out for ramped up asshattery if you don't hand over the dough.

He did eventually pull his act together, but he did it on his own. Personally, I think this is the only way it can be done for most folks. We humans tend to learn from pain, sadly.

Bottom line, he is not your child, and he is not your responsibility. Take the money you considered giving him and put it into a rainy day fund for you.... a deposit in the self esteem account!

No. It's a complete sentence. He's manipulating you and you should say no. Just no. No other explanation needed.

I am so glad i listened to everyone's advice.

My best friend put it to me in a way last night that I had not thought about. When I told her that he had been begging for money, she said, "well if he needs money to catch himself up, he obviously has not been paying any bills, so, basically, you wanna pay for all the fun he has been having all these months."

That resonated with me so much! She also reminded me that based on his track record, it is quite possible that once I lend him any money, I will see what he is up to and I will be crushed.

After having time to think about it, I am so glad I didn't do it. I discovered today that in all the begging he was doing, there were little lies sprinkled between the truth. I know that he is involved with someone else, and I believe that he is still trying to hide what a loser he is by perpetrating the idea that he is self sufficient. I would have been crushed by the idea that my money is supporting his whoredom.

Thank god for great friends and my SI family. You guys just don't know how much your words mean.

Whoop! Whoop! A hearty pat on the back to you.

Glad to see a happy, quick ending here. You did the right thing, and now he'll have to grow up.

Nope, don't do it...he made his bed, so to speak!

Hugs sweetie, xoxo

Pinky xo

Glad you didn't do it...Use this money that you almost thought about giving him to go on a nice cruise with friends or family...Something to nurture yourself :-)

[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:47 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]