SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I again want to thank everyone for your support. It was a very rough night for the kids and I. They are troopers though. Cried a little and everyone snuggled on the bed until we fell asleep.

I woke up this morning and checked SI first thing. I've gotten several PM's but one really hit home. It is from a BH. I've read that message at least ten times. Others have eluded to it but this person spelled it out for me in very graphic terms and detail.

I "thought" that I really understood what Swat was going through. I understood pain, the lies, manipulation, confusion and anger. But after reading that over and over. I don't know shit. What I have done to my husband was probably beyond my comprehension. Men and women think differently. I knew words and actions have consequences. I thought I knew how Swat would react and would be able to deal with it. Having the issues that I do, I never understood something. My husband has been attacked, by me, AP, my family (in a sense) and several of his coworkers. I fired the first shot and I kept pulling the trigger again and again. When I was done AP started in. After he got done, I reloaded and went right back at it. Was it on purpose? Not a chance, but being reckless and scared doesn't condone what I had done during the affair and continued to do after it.

This probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I'm not even sure I understand it. But I know I'll never be able to make this right for Swat. So I will do what I can to help him and my kids heal. I'm stepping aside though. At this point what I want has no bearing on what must be done.

I'm still going to need a lot of help, so keep it coming please. Right about now I would be saying its a bad day for me, but honestly who cares. This was never about me.

((((SS17)))) ((((SWAT))))

This whole situation breaks my heart.

I will stay away from advice because I have zero BTDT to offer. Just know I'm thinking of you. There is no right answer here. I'm glad you were there so that you could call the paramedics. And I totally hear you that you're willing to let him go, but you still want him to be around (as in alive & able to have a relationship, not necessarily living with you) for your kids.

Depression is a beast. I do hope he gets the help he needs.

I can't speak for the Reconciliaton aspect, but I'm worried about you.

Is there a chance you might be slipping into depression as well? Be on the look-out for that as well...

Right about now I would be saying its a bad day for me, but honestly who cares. This was never about me.

We care. Really, us caring about SWAT doesn't mean we can't care about you as well. We do!

And this is about SWAT, you, your kids and everyone else. It's not just about SWAT. You all need and deserve our help and support.

SS17, I am sorry you and SWAT are going through this tribulation with SWAT's health at the moment. My heart goes out to you.

I "thought" that I really understood what Swat was going through. I understood pain, the lies, manipulation, confusion and anger. But after reading that over and over. I don't know shit. What I have done to my husband was probably beyond my comprehension.

This is good, you are starting to 'get it'.

Was it on purpose? Not a chance,

Your actions were very purposeful.

I think you might be confusing chance with 'giving a shit'.

You did all those things because you wanted to. You did it without caring one iota of how it would affect anyone else including SWAT and your family.

However, I think your starting to care now and not just about how it affects you, which up until now has been the case.

Your getting better. Peace

SS17

Both of you will be in our thoughts and prayers. Tell SWAT that he is wished a fast recovery.

Also, remember that "It" is about both of you. You both need to work on yourselves and each other so that you both heal.

Do not give up hope!!

I'm still going to need a lot of help, so keep it coming please. Right about now I would be saying its a bad day for me, but honestly who cares. This was never about me.

The SI community will always be here for both of you. For what it's worth, very much worried about you in addition to SWAT. Take care of those kiddos first and then yourself as much as you can.

yop

Hobbes, no I'm not depressed. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry for what I did to him, to my kids, to my family and our marriage. I did this knowing that it could have devastating consequences. The worst part is I can't even say it was for love. I wanted this dark fantasy and I sought it out. Did I know the consequences, I thought I did. I'm sure that the consequences I thought about were pitifully weak compared to the reality of it all. Did it matter, I would like to say yes. But my actions show otherwise.

I just didn't want to believe I slipped so far. I know I did and that hurts. So much pain and devastation, just because I was a little unhappy and majorly selfish. I could have taken so many positive steps and talked to BH, but I didn't. I stepped into my fantasy world consequences be damned. I just never fully understood what those consequences would be.

You have hit on one important issue; that men and women look at adultery in different ways. To SWAT you were his woman, he owned you; he was the protector and you gave the right to give you children to him and him alone.

The very act of sex with the OM was in effect giving the OM a chance to make you pregnant; to SWAT on a primitive level you were no longer exclusively his woman the OM had established rights to you, including a chance to give you his child.

I'm not surprised SWAT has taken this very hard. He is intensely masculine and reading your 'diary' and all of his workmates poring over your naked pics, has just driven him way down.

I can only hope he can recover and allow time to dilute the pain. I am certain you and your extended family will be there for him during this critical phase in his life. You in particular seem to understand the issues more and more as the situation unfolds. I am sure there will be a very different SoSorry by the time peace returns; and it will.

I know that you have apologized to SWAT, many times.

Have you actually said the words "I'm so sorry" to your family members. They've been with you, loved you, supported you. Their lives are in upheaval as well. And I know you are devastated by what they too are going through. Have you taken the step of telling them how very sorry you are for what they are going through? If in all of this turmoil you didn't take this step, maybe it might help you and them, in some way, to put it out there.

I've advised you in a prior post that you need to be there for SWAT should he decide he needs your help. I forgot to say that you need to watch out for your own physical/mental health as well. You're going through the toughest of times right now. This can do great damage to you. Get to a Dr. and get a check up, watch for blood pressure, watch for signs of depression. You certainly are in a prime position to fall prey to these maladies.

In some small way I'm also hoping that AP breaks the PO again (in a small way, another letter for example) and end up in jail for a longer period of time. You've got enough on your plate it'd be nice to not have to wonder if AP is nearby.

Best to you and your family.

Janet

PS: you should maybe apologize to your brother specifically for ignoring his good advice when he told you that meeting up with AP at the bar was a bad idea. You ignored his good advice. I think that had you not gone, AP may have given up...but even if he continued, it'd not be on your shoulders. You would still be healing from an affair, but this meeting started a new trajectory for this mess. The out-of-control started on that day. Let your brother know how you know that you should have listened to him that day instead of blowing his advice off.

[This message edited by JanetS at 9:31 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]

SS17, I'm very sorry for what happened and I wish SWAT peace in his mind and heart and a speedy physical recovery.

That said, and I mean this in the kindest possible way - SWAT was clear with his doctors that he wanted privacy, and that he didn't want his medical information shared with you. I feel like you got this information anyway by sending your family in to gather info while SWAT was weak and probably not up to being as insistent as he might otherwise be about making his needs known. But you do know that he asked for privacy from you. You know that. So sharing the details of his medical information here with us feels pretty invasive when he expressly asked for privacy.

I know you do this out of worry and love and I'm guessing a lot of guilt, and because so many people here follow your story and have come to care about you both. And of course we all want to hear about SWAT's health and recovery because of that caring. However - his needs have to come first now. Whether you think he should have those needs or not. Whether it interferes with your need to care for him or not.

It feels like your need to take care of him and know what's happening with him is being put before his need to be by himself for a spell and have some privacy. He 'knows' a lot of people on this board now, and I just feel like he should decide how much medical and psychological info to share with us when he's ready. I don't know, maybe I'm alone in thinking this, but it's what I'd want in his place.

My family is coming over shortly. SIL went to the hospital with some gifts for Swat. I haven't apologized to them yet, but today is as good as any day.

Circe, thanks for pointing that out. I'm worried but his wishes are more important.

Swat did call a few minutes ago and talked to the kids. He did talk to me briefly. He didn't say much but said he was alright and would be home soon. I just want to hold him and tell him how much I love him. It isn't what he needs or wants, I get that.

OK now, as much as reading that hurts. I know its true. I was thinking how awful it would be if Swat had a child with another woman.

Praying for you and Swat

Could perhaps your brother stay with you until SWAT comes home? I think it would be beneficial for several reasons:

1. Safety in case AP hears that SWAT is in hospital

2. Reassuring SWAT that you didn't/couldn't contact AP in that time (he's probably triggering right now because being in hospital reminds him of the last time)

3. Reassuring you, since you'll have constant support

4. Distracting your kids, since uncle will be there to have fun with them etc.

Best wishes!

Sweetheart, it is about you, too. You MUST be sure to take care of yourself--to eat properly, get enough fluid, get enough rest, exercise each day. It's critical. You need to be physically strong and healthy for yourself and your kids. You need to continue the internal work.

You need to emerge on the other side whole---no matter what the other side looks like.

Of course your focus is on SWAT now, with the current situation.

But know that he is where he needs to be. He likely IS triggering, being in the hospital again. (I would imagine the last incident spawned some PTSD. And, of course, the nature of his illness terrifies on many levels--he has worries about family history, about the stress that contributes to the illness, about whether he will remain strong and healthy as your kids grow, etc. etc.) It is a HUGE HUGE thing to experience a serious, life-threatening illness; it's a life-changer. And this "life changing" requires introspection and work and ...well, it's just really hard. I experienced this personally after a serious accident in young adulthood that was a game-changer; it involves grieving and life redesign, and considerable energy. Don't take his introspection personally. It's not about you.)

I'm gonna post something I've already posted today, because it was so critical to my well-being--not just post-infidelity, but in life, in general. I do it with the disclaimer that "God" needn't mean a traditional God, but just a universal power greater than ourselves.

God grant me the serenity

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Let go of the things you cannot control. Be the best YOU you can be. Do the things YOU can do. Surrender what you cannot change.

This changes everything. It's something that requires a lot of mindfulness--which I lack sometimes (so I got the word "surrender" tattooed inside my left wrist to remind me). It's worth the effort.

I would caution you not to make the leap from physical illness to, "he needs a psych consult and suicide watch, stat!"

He has a physical illness. It may be related to stress. That he feels awful physically--while reeling from recent events--does not mean he is spiraling the drain. It means he needs to be right where he is.

Solus Sto makes a very valid point, and I want to apologize for being alarmist. I took him asking if you and the kids would be ok without him, him saying he wanted it all to end, and him posting that he needed to take a break from SI as alarm bells for someone contemplating suicide. And though I still feel with all he's been through the psych consult was a good call on the part of the medical staff, I think I was wrong to suggest suicide watch. That would be for his medical team to determine. He's a strong and proud man and I shudder to think what he would think of my posting that.

Sometimes patients who are experiencing cardiac events have an impending sense of doom. Perhaps his comments could have come from fear of what was happening to him physically and worry for who would protect and take care of his family if he died.

I am glad you were there to quickly get him the help he needed and I'm glad he's in the hospital being cared for.

I continue to pray for you, SWAT, and your family.

((((SS17))))

He's home. He checked out of the hospital and came home with SIL, who said he did so against medical advice. I told her to not talk about him, if he wants me to know he will tell me. She thanked me and said she didn't want to talk about him, but felt I needed to know and she was conflicted. He is with the kids right now and they all seem happy, and I even saw him smile a bit.

I talked to him briefly and he assured me he was alright. He said we would finish our talk Tuesday morning when he got home from work. I said I didn't think he should go to work and he needed to rest. He got angry and said that he was going to work and he didn't want or need my opinion. I didn't want to upset him so I agreed he could do what ever he wanted. He apologized if I was scared the other day and again said he was alright, and even had some prescriptions to take. I don't want to upset him, so I didn't argue with him. He looks better today, but I'm still worried about him.

I can understand SIL being conflicted. You did the right thing in backing off both her and SWAT. How are you holding up SoSorry?

((((SS))))

You have all been in my thoughts today. Despite what you think, you are handling this well. We're all here for you.

I think that I'm ok. My family has been great, and I did have a long talk with my brother. He has been great with me and the kids. He did say he was disappointed with me, but he said he loves me and will support me. I understand where he is coming from, I'm his baby sister and he has always tried to protect me. But Swat is his brother in all ways. They are very close and I've put a wedge between them, that is very painful for them. My brother wants to talk to Swat about what he is feeling, but he has refused. Swat has also distanced himself from my parents lately. The only person he is still fairly open with is SIL. Everyone is under a lot of stress because of this. It is understandable of course. It is upsetting to realize exactly what I have done. I've likely taken the only family he has away from him, or at least that maybe how he feels. We have talked about it and they do love him and want to help and support him. It is just no one knows how to do it.

SIL did say that she doesn't think he is suicidal, she said he is depressed and she thinks his PTSD from some previous incidents has gotten worse. She would not get into detail though.