SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by SoSorry17 at 6:05 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]

He's home and has spent time with the kids. That's a good thing. His broken heart needs these moments. You have to find ways to quietly and daily show how much you love him. And I'm sure he knows that you love him. He just has to process all that's been placed on his lap. He has the added pressure of an idiot, unpredictable and mean AP. It takes time.

Watching your emotional growth in these last weeks is pretty awesome. You were given 2x4's when deserved, and rather than get defensive you used these moments as opportunities to look inside yourself.

These last days you were served with pain and fear that I cannot imagine. Knowing that you played a role in that must have been very difficult. If you had a pity party, you did it quietly and remained strong for the children and remained available to SWAT (even though at that moment in time he was not wanting to share with you).

You have learned much. You will continue to grow. I hope you stay on this board as people here really do care about you and SWAT, individually and as a couple if it comes to that. Your self-realization can be shared with newbies to the board down the road, just as many have shared with you.

Your story has tugged on my old heartstrings.

Everyone was very happy to have him home. We all had dinner. After eating he and my brother went for a walk. I don't know what was said. He then talked to my parents, again I don't know what he said.

He then talked to me, he looked like a kicked puppy. He said that he is supposed to be monitored due to his medications. He asked to sleep in our bedroom with me.

The kids went with my brother and SIL. We went to bed early because he was tired. We did talk some more. He told me he was going for treatment for his PTSD. He said he loves me and wants to make this work. We cried a lot and he fell asleep.

God, I love this man. He is sleeping about a foot away. He is handsome, strong and honest. He is also the most generous person I know. He loves me and has given me a gift. One I will cherish until the day I die.

No advice to offer, as you both have been getting lots of great advice and support. I just wanted to voice my support for the both of you, and let you know that your family has been on my mind a lot lately. Sending many kind thoughts and well wishes towards SWAT, you, and your kids.

Glad to hear that SoSorry.

No matter what, do not stop working on yourself. I once told you that you need to understand your 'whys' so that you can make better choices in the future.

If you are saying that you two are moving toward R, then from an R perspective, you also need to know your 'whys' so that Swat can know you will make better choices in the future.

He may not say it, he may not even know it yet, but he will need to see you working on yourself. He will need to know, without any doubt in his mind, how you are going to never let this happen again. "I don't knows" won't cut it (not that you've used them that I'm aware of). You need to know yourself backwards and forwards, why you made decisions, and why you will not make them again. If you can do this work without him asking, the message sent will be all the more powerful.

Keep digging SoSorry. Read books mentioned here. Keep going to IC. Let us know of your discoveries. Let Swat know of your discoveries, and how they contribute to you never hurting your family in this way again.

We are rooting for you.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 10:29 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]

^^^^ agree with Saturnpatrick 100%

Very happy for you both. Your post brought tears to my eyes.

Keep working, SS. Make yourself safe for him. He deserves your best effort. Glad you're both doing well tonight.

OK...seriously. This just made my night. It's good to hear good news once in a while. Like everyone else, I'll keep praying for you two and your family.

This step is huge. This is not the first time I've had tears in my eyes for you two;. It's like a good book, but the fact that it's real makes is so compelling.

You're still enroute to healing, and the tough stuff is still ahead. But you are now on the same road, the same page.

He did give you a gift. Just keep growing, and never ever ever go back to your old selfish manipulative self. You've already made yourself a better person. There is a difference between pretending to be a different person and actually become one....are not the same thing. Make him never believe that this gift was a mistake.

You are on a honeymoon period right now. So happy and probably very grateful. Remember, it won't be this way everyday. There will still be angry days :( But somewhere down the road life will be normal again...drama gone....with peace filling that space.

I am so happy for all of your family including SWAT's inlaws.

SO happy for SWAT too. He made a decision that he'd analyzed and "emotionalized" for so long. It must be a huge release for him.

when i discovered my wife had been cheating on me it ripped apart the box that i had shoved my combat experiences apart. literally. id gone through PTSD before (without knowing what it was) but the adultry of my wife brought all of that back ... worse than before. id be surprised if its not done the same to YOUR husband. its ripped apart the walls he had built in his mind and all sorts of crap that he had "sorta" dealt with is now free falling through his mind.

that crap, the crap sandwich you gave him to eat, the stress of AP, everyone at work knowing what you did (which is assuredly deeply embarrassing to him) and having to face those people, the TT he got, the events that have occured AFTER the discovery of the affair, etc = a massive amount of stress, emotional pain, and heartbreak for him.

he doesnt trust you and rightfully so. you have proved you cant be trusted. yet ... he loves you. with all of his heart. that creates more than a little internal conflict as well. the person he would have gone to in times of trouble is also the person that stabbed him in the back. that leaves him feeling mighty alone and vulnerable.

i hope im not too forward with offering what seems to me to be two conflicting thoughts in your head. the first is that it is obvious that you DO love him. the second is that you have been so very manipulative for so very long that you probably dont even realize when you are doing it and its second nature for you and your "go to" response in any situation. we all deal with things differently. me, i tend to analyze everything for a long time with no real outward reaction and then when i reach a conclusion i act extremely decisively and then dont second guess the decision that i have made. i instinctively push back against being manipulated and resent not having all of the facts. my wife tends to react in typical italian fashion with a huge burst of anger that is usually faded by the time she vents it. my point is that we are all different and we all tend to react to stress and situations differently, so what i said isnt necessarily criticism but more an observation.

i "think" that swat feels conflicted.

he wants space. you trigger the hell out of him. when he sees you he thinks about you and AP, you and your lies, you and your affair, you and your betrayals.

at the same time he also sees the woman that he loves, the mother of his children, the one that he wanted to spend his life with, and wants your support.

at this point he has every reason to continue on with the divorce. you broke your vows. you killed the marriage. i "think" hes also seeking a reason to stay. it would be up to you to provide that reason and whatever you do may NOT be provide enough of a reason. but at this point pulling back wont provide that reason and will lead to a finalized divorce. offering him support, love, and showing him you care - even in the face of rejection - MIGHT change that outcome when combined with a serious attempt to improve yourself, your coping mechanisms, and to fix the broken part of you that allowed yourself to do what you did.

try to help him heal. not just because it might lead to R but also because its the right thing to do. you owe it to him.

my heart goes out to him, you, and your family.

I'm so happy to read this! Really glad you and SWAT are turning towards each other and going for R. I have so much hope for the two of you.

I agree with Patrick, keep working on yourself. SWAT needs to see you progressing more than ever.

This is great news!! I'm pulling for your family more than ever!

Keep up the hard work and continue to fight for your M.

So glad to read this update, SS17. We are all rooting for both of you, no matter the outcome, to be healthy and happy. If you can work it out together rather than apart, so so much the better.

I totally agree with this:

He did give you a gift. Just keep growing, and never ever ever go back to your old selfish manipulative self. You've already made yourself a better person. There is a difference between pretending to be a different person and actually become one....are not the same thing. Make him never believe that this gift was a mistake.

I imagine the children are over the moon. They don't understand the details, but for their Daddy to be in the home to talk to, to play with, is everything to them.

I'm SO happy for your family.

Thanks everyone. I had IC this morning and there was obviously a lot discussed.

I talked for about a half an hour. About how I'm scared. I'm scared of letting him and my family down yet again. I'm scared I will do something to hurt him again. I don't mean cheating, that will never happen again. I'm working everyday to be open and honest in everything I do. But I'm afraid I'll make a mistake and it will be horrible. I know that I will make mistakes, I just have a deep seated fear I'll make another unforgivable one. IC and I talked about this for some time. I left feeling better but now it is more nervous than scared. Baby steps I guess.

But I get home and his truck is parked next to the house. The kids are home(school is out for the summer) and they are all swimming. It sounds stupid but when I saw him, my being nervous and scared just kind of went away. Its 78 and sunny here, but it seemed cloudy to me until I saw him. He is really here and he looks happy. So maybe, just maybe this girl caught a break. One I'm gonna hold onto with everything I've got. I don't mean I'm gonna be clingy or anything. But I'm gonna listen and I'm gonna learn.

I made lunch and I changed into my swim suit and I am going to join them. Please accept my thanks and promise me 2x4's when I do or say something stupid cause its gonna happen.

You enjoy this beautiful day with your family. Laugh a lot (laughter is actually VERY healthy). (don't forget the sunscreen).

Make today a normal day.

There will probably be bad days, that is to be expected. But the more "normal" days you can attain, the easier recovery will be. SWAT will know, firsthand, that even after your affair he can enjoy his family, his life.

Work hard on your insecurity. You are afraid to make a mistake. If you worry too much about that you won't enjoy what is right in front of you.

Enjoy enjoy enjoy.....words for today.

You wrote:

I just want to hold him and tell him how much I love him. It isn't what he needs or wants, I get that.

OK now, as much as reading that hurts. I know its true.

You are wrong - though I think you know that now. It is exactly what he needs. And I think Swat has known that all along - that he was being driven away from the one thing that could make him feel better.

You know your husband very well - you saw he was not well. He needs to be with you. It's actually always been pretty obvious from your posts and his - though just how much he needs you is not something I understood. Maybe though you did.

This news makes my heart happy.

Hugs to you both.

I'm scared of letting him and my family down yet again. I'm scared I will do something to hurt him again. I don't mean cheating, that will never happen again. I'm working everyday to be open and honest in everything I do. But I'm afraid I'll make a mistake and it will be horrible. I know that I will make mistakes, I just have a deep seated fear I'll make another unforgivable one.

I totally get this and I think it's a really positive sign, believe it or not, in your healing and eventual R.

I'm a mad hatter, but I was first a WS and when I finally really --THUNK-- "got" my complete lack of boundaries, the realization was first something that I internalized "I have no real boundaries" and then on the heels of that I realized "my beloved husband is married to someone with no boundaries" - and I was so scared for him. I realized his love for me, combined with my issues, left him so vulnerable. I couldn't stand the thought. But it was one of the primary motivators at the time in me fixing myself in IC with complete, painful, humiliating self-honesty. If I felt like hiding from something, I realized the vulnerability my BH would have to that thing - and that gave me the courage to get it out and fill that void with something healthy. Therapy, self understanding, self forgiveness, painful change.

Keep up the good hard work! So glad to read of the positive turns in your road.

It sounds stupid but when I saw him, my being nervous and scared just kind of went away. Its 78 and sunny here, but it seemed cloudy to me until I saw him. He is really here and he looks happy. So maybe, just maybe this girl caught a break. One I'm gonna hold onto with everything I've got. I don't mean I'm gonna be clingy or anything. But I'm gonna listen and I'm gonna learn.

SS17 - enjoy your family today. One thing I want to mention. It would be very easy for both you and SWAT to settle back into old thought patterns and interactions once the shine wears off this second chance. You need to be vigilant against that.

Be sure that you are making changes FOR YOURSELF. That you are accountable TO YOURSELF. Make sure that you are looking INTERNALLY for your own happiness and validation. Those things are your job: not SWAT's, not your kids', not your family members', and not anyone else's. YOU are it.

Wishing you all the best.

Big cheesy grins today, I am SO happy for you guys! Enjoy your family SS. I'm really proud of you, you should be proud of yourself too!

I agree with NIK, read that post over and over. Also, you are not perfect. You are human. Accept that. You will have bad days, SWAT will have bad days. You will mess up and won't be the perfect remorseful wayward at times, SWAT knows that. As long as he can see you trying and working on yourself then that is what matters. This is a huge learning curve for you, don't be too hard on yourself.

Anyway, enjoy the day! I'm THRILLED for you all!

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:18 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]